Please can I have some outside perspective on this?

[Mermaidwithoutacause]

I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore.
Dh has always been a high earner, he’s always massively out earned me. If I’ve ever been short on money I don’t like to ask him for it and we have no joint finances so currently as a sahm parent I only have access to what I’m given.

When ds was about one and I had come to the end of my maternity leave, that was when I started to really struggle. At that point we had a budget for our weekly - ten days shop of about £120. Dh would give me his card to take to go and do the shop which in itself made me feel awkward because it made me feel like a child.
Anyway I used to find that if I spent the whole amount at once I would end up with some things going off before I went shopping again and also that we needed some things like milk, bread, etc in the interim.
This then came out of the money that I had - the allowance dh gave me.
So what I ended up doing was spending £100 in one go at the supermarket and using the other £20 to put petrol in my car and then I’d use more than that £20 over the next week to ten days buying pits and pieces we needed. Essentially I couldn’t afford to buy petrol plus another £20-40 on food each week and we were also wasting some of the fresh stuff if I bought all in one go.

After a couple of months dh was going through bank statements and demanded to know why I was spending £20 of the food budget on petrol. He was really angry and used words like ‘leeching’ and ‘creaming off the top.’ He said I’d stolen from him.

This reaction - amongst others - has meant I feel totally powerless and as though I have nothing, which I don’t. When I think about it I feel a great sense of shame and embarrassment.

[LilyLongJohn]

He's financially abusing you op

[feckthis]

OP, just catching up but recognise enough so far to know it probably doesn't seem even credible to you that this is 'proper' abuse but all these women can see what you can't ... you are in the middle of this and it's normality for you. But outside that bubble it's as clear as day.

You can go to a lawyer and they won't charge for initial consultation and will normally be ok with being paid afterwards (assuming no legal aid) from whatever you get from him. Get yourself somewhere safe and then get the lawyer to act for you to stop this abuse. It took me about 5 years to get away from my abuser and he's still holding money as a control over me despite divorce etc etc. I didn't believe it even when he was siphoning my inheritance into his bank accounts. Get. Away. From. Him. You can and will do it.

[VeganCow]

Get rid. He will soon realise what creaming off the top
means when CMS assess his maintenance payments, you will be rid of a twat and your standard of living will rise sharply.

[Feefifo9]

Adding to the chorus. This isn’t normal. He is being very financially controlling.

[janaus50s]

You have nothing to be ashamed of. He is the one who should be ashamed.
This is not normal.

[DotForShort]

Get a job and get the hell out of this marriage.

[shesgonebatshitagain]

I too was once with someone like this
It doesn’t matter how much they earn you will always get a pittance. This is deliberate because not only are they mean they get a thrill of of forcing you to ask for something from them because they are controlling abusive pieces of shit

I left and it was the what thing I ever did. He tries to tell me how to spend my money mane even the maintenance he loathes having to give me. I do not react at all.

If you left him and claimed maintenance and other things you were entitled to as well as your share of the house etc you’d be not only better off you wouldn’t have someone that speaks to you like this to contend with.

Absolutely disgusting

[category12]

It is tho. You do have a legal obligation to support your spouse.

[workhomesleeprepeat]

@Bluntness100 where did I say it was a legal obligation?

[Alicenwonderland]

Echoing others op. He's definitely abusing you, not only financial abuse but emotional abuse by making you feel so awful and guilty when you've done nothing wrong. I'm sure there are other things he does as well that you haven't posted. Please get some advise. You can speak with women's aid who can help you. So many people think abuse is physical but there are many other effective ways of controlling someone as you have discovered. You will definitely be better off financially on your own. 💐

[Geppili]

This is awful! He is financially abusing you. I wonder if he has a secret spending problem? I wonder if you got access to all his statements and transactions you might discover HE is the one "creaming it off the top".

That phrase must have made you feel absolutely awful and humiliated. It was for petrol fgs probably to chauffeur HIS kids around. You are the mother of his children, not some employee who he can tear a strip off. He sounds absolutely horrible. At best anal, abusive and controlling, at worst all those things AND some secret personal vices.

I would not trust him.

[movingonup20]

Sorry he's ridiculous. If anyone here reading this is pregnant, or better still ttc, get the conversation on joint finances started now. Whether there's a joint account or money is transferred is the issue, it's thus concept following parenthood that the (usually a) man gets to keep their salary whilst the mother is taking a hit on maternity leave then childcare. Share your money initially, then if you prefer split the discretionary money into separate accounts for personal spending, we didn't bother and had a joint account and still do partially despite getting divorced.

[CalmDown7]

@Mermaidwithoutacause - I’m so sorry this is happening to you, I haven’t read all the responses but a few advise you to leave this man.

Personally, I don’t find these comments helpful. It’s not always about leaving.. it’s about finding a solution in your current relationship regarding the financial abuse.

I’m going through something pretty similar, my OH humiliated me over a mere £5 I spent on groceries for the house and told me it was an unnecessary spend. I felt ashamed and like a small child being told off. I knew straight away this was financial abuse and I’m also looking for ways to deal with it. Leaving isn’t always the answer especially when we have a small child together that I just couldn’t raise on my own.

I hope things get better for you x

[CodyBurns]

I was married to a man like this. He kept me literally penniless on maternity leave, I wasn’t even allowed to do the food shop because he wanted to control everything.

I’m sorry to say that it won’t get better and you need to make plans to leave him. Abusive men (and make no mistake your husband is extremely abusive), usually get worse over time.

Mine went from control of finances to eventually monitoring my every move, tracking my car and assaulting me in front of our child.

Please be careful as you hopefully make your plans to be free and live your life happily and independently away from this nasty piece of work.

[Shizzlestix]

He’s abusing you. Get on the site that tells you what you’re entitled to if you were to leave. He should be utterly embarrassed at his disgraceful treatment of you.

[category12]

No, Bluntness, if you're married you have a legal obligation to support your spouse:

"Marriage
Each married partner has a legal duty to support the other.

If your partner won't support you, you can ask a court to order them to support you. Your ex-partner may have to continue to support you after your marriage has ended if you have made a legal agreement or if there is a court order.

You and your partner can make an agreement that neither of you will support the other." www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Now, he could argue that he does in that she doesn't starve on his watch, but he does indeed have an obligation to her as well as the children.

[Bluntness100]

@workhomesleeprepeat

What you did is not stealing, you should have equal access to money as a sahm - not sure why you think you should be in poverty while your HUSBAND is earning 100k

This man is financially abusing you

Legally she doesn’t have this right. So if she is spending money that he has given her for a different purpose then it could be classified as theft. But she isn’t she’s just rebalancing how she spends.

But let’s not pretend to her that because she is a sahm she is legally entitled to money he earns. People need to stop posting that sort of thing. Morally she should arguably have access, but legally it’s his decision all daylong. He only needs to legally support his children.

[FinallyHere]

as a sahm parent I only have access to what I’m given.

Is this what you both agreed to do when you decided to have a baby together. Whether you agreed or just fell into this, it's financial abuse.

I don’t ask for anymore. I’d sooner sell something or go without.

And this is why abusers get away with it They make you think it shameful to ask when as PPs have pointed out the shame is in on a man who would keep his child's mother short of money, while she is enabling his earning the family money by providing childcare.

This might be useful.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Take your time @Mermaidwithoutacause Inform yourself about the law in this area. It is not easy to hear but You are being abused, even if there is no physical violence. This is financial abuse.

Find out what level of child maintenance would be due. You have got this. We are here to help you.

[category12]

Divorce the bastard. You'll be tons better off.

[workhomesleeprepeat]

What you did is not stealing, you should have equal access to money as a sahm - not sure why you think you should be in poverty while your HUSBAND is earning 100k

This man is financially abusing you

[Lillysnotroses]

Do you family support? Do they know what’s going on OP.

[Bluntness100]

Or if you don’t wish to leave, go back to work? There has to be an alternate to living like this.

[Bluntness100]

Then this is financial abuse op. And emotional.

Why don’t you leave? It’s not going to get better.

[Mermaidwithoutacause]

His income is over £100k. After tax.
He buys what he wants when he wants. As a family we aren’t hard up. Individually I have nothing.

[Bluntness100]

As much as this is likely to be financial abuse, it could also be something else entirely.

It could be they are on a very tight budget and every penny needs to be accounted for, that’s why he was going through th statements, snd that’s why they budget for everything, and he was trying to find more places to cut back, he’s been going without, and found she had been spending the food money on petrol and he wasn’t aware, or she wasn’t spending her own allowance on additional food, so in his eyes “creaming off the top” and spending money they didn’t have, because that’s what she was doing. And that’s why she feels ashamed. The normal reaction would be one of indignation.

What he said is never justified but money problems can make people very stressed and say things they wouldn’t normally.

Or it could be he earns a hundred grand a year and leaves her on a pittance and is financially and emotionally abusing her, as people are assuming. The truth is there is actually no way to tell here without understanding his earnings, and their outgoings.

People often write things in a way to make the answers make them feel better, but sometimes there is a whole other story behind it.