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Original poster

Please can I have some outside perspective on this?

114 replies

Mermaidwithoutacause · 09/10/2020 21:52

I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore.
Dh has always been a high earner, he’s always massively out earned me. If I’ve ever been short on money I don’t like to ask him for it and we have no joint finances so currently as a sahm parent I only have access to what I’m given.

When ds was about one and I had come to the end of my maternity leave, that was when I started to really struggle. At that point we had a budget for our weekly - ten days shop of about £120. Dh would give me his card to take to go and do the shop which in itself made me feel awkward because it made me feel like a child.
Anyway I used to find that if I spent the whole amount at once I would end up with some things going off before I went shopping again and also that we needed some things like milk, bread, etc in the interim.
This then came out of the money that I had - the allowance dh gave me.
So what I ended up doing was spending £100 in one go at the supermarket and using the other £20 to put petrol in my car and then I’d use more than that £20 over the next week to ten days buying pits and pieces we needed. Essentially I couldn’t afford to buy petrol plus another £20-40 on food each week and we were also wasting some of the fresh stuff if I bought all in one go.

After a couple of months dh was going through bank statements and demanded to know why I was spending £20 of the food budget on petrol. He was really angry and used words like ‘leeching’ and ‘creaming off the top.’ He said I’d stolen from him.

This reaction - amongst others - has meant I feel totally powerless and as though I have nothing, which I don’t. When I think about it I feel a great sense of shame and embarrassment.

OP posts:
ScreamingBeans · 10/10/2020 00:46

He is leeching off your free labor. How much did he pay you to carry and bear his child? How much is he paying you for looking after his child? For the house work?

You are not leeching. He is.

This is financial abuse, you need to see a lawyer.

Lisa78Lemon · 10/10/2020 00:53

Look at it this way:
Imagine you were the sole earner and he was a SAHD.
Reverse the situation.

.... except you wouldn't treat him like that, would you?

All of this is so wrong and I'm sorry he thinks he can treat you that way. You are married and have a child, it should be 50 50 now, for the good of the family.

TiddyTid · 10/10/2020 01:05

Does he earn £240 in ten days and you get half? As you should doing you 50% and probably more in your joint life?

Nancydrawn · 10/10/2020 01:05

You have nothing to be ashamed of, OP. That doesn't mean you should be ashamed for feeling ashamed--but this is not on you. You have done nothing at all wrong.

OldWomanSaysThis · 10/10/2020 01:06

Stealing from yourself?

TiddyTid · 10/10/2020 01:08

And I say this as the main earner in our house but my DH supports me in other ways and In ways far more valuable than money so that I can be the main earner. I would never, ever talk or even think the way your DH does.

MostDisputesDieAndNoOneShoots · 10/10/2020 01:21

That’s abusive. I earn literally a quarter of what my husband does but he would never bloody dream of calling me a leech! That’s shocking! From the day DD1 was born and I no longer had equal earning power we’ve had entirely joint finances. He might mention it’s a five week month so to go easy on the old Amazon purchases this week, but he would never begrudge me anything (within reason, he probably would begrudge me a Chanel handbag) and food shopping is entirely a joint enterprise.

Your husband sounds like a bastard and I suspect if he’s doing this so openly he is abusive in other ways. You’d have more disposable income if you were divorced from the fucker.

Coyoacan · 10/10/2020 01:25

No it wasn’t stealing. He’s your husband, your his wife. You’re not a member of staff

Except that members of staff get wages

Eckhart · 10/10/2020 01:37

He's relying on your shame to perpetuate the situation. That's typical in an abusive relationship. The perpetrator knows that the victim will blame themselves, and deliberately encourages and manipulates them to do so. The alternative (given that your instincts tell you that there is shame up for grabs, here) is that you recognise that he is the one who should feel ashamed. He won't want that, because then he loses control of the situation. But that is what should happen. You've done nothing wrong, and you know that. He is manipulating your emotions.

AlreadyGone44 · 10/10/2020 01:40

It's not stealing, it's not creaming off the top. No decent person would think it was either of those things. The fact that your DH has treated you this way means he's not a good person. He's financially abusive and cruel, this is him, this is who he is, he is never going to change.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/10/2020 02:14

My sister was a SAHM, her DH a high earner. He didn't 'give' her an allowance. She had the chequebook. She spent what she needed to spend and to my knowledge he never questioned her or criticized what she spent on the household or running her car. He treated her with respect as an equal partner who was just as entitled as him to spend money. And with trust that she would never overspend or run them into debt. That's the way it's supposed to work.

Happysunshinebear · 10/10/2020 04:20

Yes love he is a grade A prick
(I guess he has a grade F prick though right?)

He is your Husband, does he not understand what marriage is? It is a family unit and you all contribute and not just with money. How much would it cost him to hire someone or some people to do all the work you do?
Think about it, I bet the guy doesn't even know what an iron is let alone a bottle of fairy liquid, Another entitled 'Jobs for the boys' brat that thinks toilets clean themselves just so long as he brings in his privileged wages.
I bet he also moans you do next to nothing every day too right?

Lillysnotroses · 10/10/2020 04:39

@Mermaidwithoutacause Hi. I agree with the posters OP this is bad. Sad

What was the arrangement when you was on Mat leave? Who suggested for you to be a SAHM?

There’s been a lot of these threads and finicial abuse going on in marriages and it seems to be from all the high flying earning husbands I’m shocked.

My only suggestion is £100 food shop is quite a lot and maybe try Aldi although I know that’s not the issue here Flowers

Pilcrow · 10/10/2020 05:32

My only suggestion is £100 food shop is quite a lot and maybe try Aldi although I know that’s not the issue here

The OP states that her H is a high earner, indeed 'he's always massively out earned me'. In which case I very much doubt that £100 for 10 days food shopping for two adults + child is going to break the bank.

OP is being shockingly financially abused here. This utter arsewipe - this high earner, let's not forget - is losing it over £20-worth of petrol. All the shame is on him.

user764329056 · 10/10/2020 05:35

Fuck that, you are in an abusive relationship and need support to get out

Indoctro · 10/10/2020 05:40

Once you are married it's joint money and if he thinks anything else I'd be rid of him if it was me.

chatterbugmegastar · 10/10/2020 06:14

You're being abused. Please don't put up with this

When you decide to divorce him you will get half of everything, so it seems rather ludicrous of him to be so mean now Hmm

Lillysnotroses · 10/10/2020 06:26

@Pilcrow I know it wasn’t a dig at OP. I read that the husband was a high earner. The shame is on the husband absolutely.

I never stated other wise.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2020 06:30

Op is money really tight?

What he has said to you is unacceptable, I don’t understand why you feel shame? Do you think you did something fundamentally wrong?

Is there a way for you go go back to work and end this cycle?

WanderleyWagon · 10/10/2020 06:33

I am so sorry that he is abusing you financially in this way. This is outrageous behaviour on his part. I hope that the responses here have helped you to feel encouraged and less ashamed. What you describe doing is nothing to be ashamed about. Sending solidarity and an imaginary cup of tea.

Lillysnotroses · 10/10/2020 06:36

@SandyY2K I think the problem is before children come along things are different compared to when the child arrives a lot of the time. Everyone adjusts to family dynamics which can be difficult, don’t assume some women have not discussed finances sometimes we did!! Although people are entitled to go back on their word at any point if they like.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/10/2020 06:50

Mean with money, mean with love. And yes, it's very abusive.

SandyY2K · 10/10/2020 06:50

@Lillysnotroses

As someone who has delivered marriage preparation courses and pre-marital counselling for several years now, I can tell you that in my experience, the vast majority of couples don't even think about this.

I have the benefit of my personal experience, so I bring this to the forefront, knowing how it impacts women after having children.

SandyY2K · 10/10/2020 06:54

The OP states that her H is a high earner, indeed 'he's always massively out earned me'.

I've seen threads where high earners are on 30k/40k/50k...., so when 'high earner' is said, one cannot be sure if we're on the same page.

Neither of these figures are what I would call a high earner

Lex345 · 10/10/2020 06:59

FFS, OP this is not even remotely close to how mutually respectful relationships work. I am the sole earner, wages go into the joint account in their entirety and DH has the same access to funds as I do. If we are on a budget for the month, we discuss so we both know X amount has to last until Y. We are a team and equal. Your partner is behaving appallingly.

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