Family bombshell just landed (triggering)

[Blindsided12]

Not nice subject matter, be warned. Name changed due to sensitive topic. So my little sister (33, anorexic) told me my father abused her when she was around 7. She's not sure how many times (could be twice, could be 20) but she has a vivid memory of it happening twice and in which room at home. Hands down pants basically. I'm shocked. I don't know what to do with this information. She said this memory only came to light in the last year. She's been mentally ill for years. I am one of 6 (she's the youngest) and afaik nobody else has experienced this. Can't say it to my elderly mum. Or my other siblings as we're not close and sister has sworn me to secrecy. Parents are divorced and I don't often see him but not on terrible terms. What do I do with this information? If it's a false memory (she's always in and out of hospitals and therapy) then it's a terrible slur on an innocent man. Never happened to me. If it's true, then what?

you may gain a sister who was previously lost to the world
retreating into a numb anorexic dream world is an extension of the 'freeze' response to the initial trauma (imo & based on my experience)

You don't need to do anything with the information, just support your sister.

^That 100 times, and no, don’t tell your mother or anyone else UNLESS your sister asks you to. Your sister needs to be strong enough to deal with the repercussions of this coming out (and the huge amount of disbelief that comes with it)

Personally, I think it would be very traumatic for your mother to know especially if she has also been abused (they are divorced after all so abuse may be one of the reasons). This is not your secret to tell, your sister seems well supported, she will talk about it to other people when she is ready. Don’t betray her trust.

@SandMason 💐💐💐💐

don’t tell your mother or anyone else
agree, I made the mistake of telling parents via email it was copied and sent to other family members, I was humiliated and ostracized for speaking out.

As previous poster says, and if your father is nowhere close to you and your siblings now, I would not tell my mother or siblings yet.
Keep talking to your sister, it will take you a while to get your head around it. It is a huge shock! And get your sister to talk about it, hold her hand and support her. Then check if she is telling this to her therapist.
From there, once she is ready, you will be able to share with your siblings. It is important that they know, just in case something happened to them and they are keeping it bottled up.
Your mother, this will depend on her health.
Best wishes

False memory has not been discredited.

It has been discredited in numerous quarters, and at best can be viewed as highly controversial. The information is out there, and can easily be thrown up with a basic Google search.

A particularly pertinent point is this one, and I quote.

For undisclosed reasons, the False Memory Syndrome Foundation announced its dissolution on December 31, 2019. But close observers of the Foundation have pointed out a number of the Foundation’s advisors are sidelined from the scientific community today.

The unhappy truth is that society is still reluctant to believe some men are perpetrators of sexual violence against girls and women, despite the proliferation of female voices testifying to precisely this fact. It is far more comfortable with the assumption that those women must be liars.

Another infuriating assumption appears to be that being accused of rape or sexual abuse is on a par with, or even worse than, the humiliating, invasive experience of sexual violence itself.

Both are insulting, potentially dangerous misconceptions which urgently need debunking.

I'm so sorry OP, what a shock this must be for you. I got a letter from an aunt when I was in my early 20s, just the start of a cascade of upsetting information from a number of family members. For me it was a relief to walk away from already strained relationships with the abuser and his immediate family but the ripples radiated out into all areas of the family. Don't think you have to just handle this info, the fallout can be very tricky, everyone who knows will have strong feelings and suddenly your choices are either disclosure of someone else's traumatic experiences or secret-keeping or walking away (or at least these were my choices as I saw them). As pp have said you'll need support yourself.

I wanted to add that if you see yourself on the continuum of abuse this is also something that is not in your control, that you did not instigate, that you do not have to sit in judgement on. You are not to blame and it's not up to you to solve this shitshow, you are in need of guidance and support yourself.
I remember one of the things I felt when I first learned about abuse in my own family was shame at the idea that I was now 'one of those people' who had an indisputably fucked up family. But of course the truth is that we had an abuser in the family, as a lot of people do, and we suffered for it through no fault of our own.

I would beleive and support her.
My first thought was that the anorexia and MH problems are probably due to the supressed memory. I would advise talking to a counselor about it for both of you.
Its very difficult to come to terms with finding out/realising a parent is abusive and I can see why you don't want to believe it.
So yeah would advise getting counselling if both of you want to figure it out and talk about it with someone as most likely your mother will deny it/not believe and the other siblings may not either

I was molested by relations and strangers for years from about 17-26 yrs. Eventually it came out and did not go down well. Most of my family reaction was unhelpful. I got counselling etc. Relatives were told my family knew about them. They apologised said something about not meaning to hurt me and one of them loved me. All but one is dead now. And yes, it most definitely has had a long term impact on me. Despite my best efforts not to let it.

My point is that you have to do as she asks. She probably thinks no-one will believe her.

@Jetstream

I was molested by relations and strangers for years from about 17-26 yrs. Eventually it came out and did not go down well. Most of my family reaction was unhelpful. I got counselling etc. Relatives were told my family knew about them. They apologised said something about not meaning to hurt me and one of them loved me. All but one is dead now. And yes, it most definitely has had a long term impact on me. Despite my best efforts not to let it.

I'm so sorry Jetstream and others. I would hope if my children ever told me about the crimes committed against them that I'm 100% in belief of them, and 100% support of them.

My best friend suddenly burst into tears one night at university and told me that her father who had visited her that weekend and taken her "for lunch" had raped and assaulted her over the years up until she left home at 18. Our other friend also there, proceeded to question her on "why would you play happy families and go out for lunch with him today then?" -you were looking forward to his visit all week etc -I will never forget the look on my BF's face -she doubted herself and telling others. I didn't know what to say -I hugged her and said "I'm here for you. You're safe" -the other friend asked her if she was drunk or has taken drugs and then left. I didn't know what to say or do. At all. She asked me to go with her to the GP and counsellor, she did ask if I believed her and I said absolutely 100% -I did -I sat and held her hand. I didn't know what to say. 20 years later I asked her, what I should of done. And she said -exactly what you did, you believed me. Just because someone abuses one member of a family -it doesn't me he/she will abuse others and vice versa.

@LouHotel

She's 33 and your mum is in her seventies.

Is there a large age gap between her and you and the rest of your siblings?

And? I'm 36 and my mum is 76. My Dad would've been 81 this year if he was still alive. Why is it so hard to believe?

Such a dreadful situation, because this is your childhood at stake, along with hers. I think seeing a good counsellor will help you to hold a separation between those two things while you work this through. You are just going to have to work really hard at separating it all out and knowing what you do and say to your sister comes from the right place, but she probably told you because she had a sense you had the strength to really try. Take care of yourself xx

@originaldiv

Hi OP. This happened to us too. My elder sister accused my dad after having a type of therapy that can cause false memories. The part that has made us all a little unwilling to believe her is that we are 3 girls and neither of the other 2 of us have experienced anything similar either. The other element was that she waited to accuse him until he was on his deathbed and unable to speak or defend himself. This was supposed to have happened 50 years ago, so I totally understand your predicament, he is now dead and she basically accusing my mum of knowing and being an accessory - she has never had a good relationship with our mum and it felt a bit like revenge to us. The problem is I would always have said that I would believe the victim regardless and so it feels very uncomfortable to say that basically we don't believe it happened. It has ruined the memories of my dad for all of us and part of me thinks that this is what she wanted. Horrible situation to be in.

This is shocking. So you're saying that because he didn't abuse you two as well, that she must be lying?!? I didn't tell my mum until 9 years after my Dad died. By your reckoning, that's "So he couldn't defend himself" but the reality is, it's the first time I admitted it to myself.

Don't you think your sister raised it when he was on his death bed so that she could ask him why? That she left it as long as possible because it fucking hurts her to think about it?

My god. The way some people's minds manipulate things to fit their own narrative, is mind blowing

Seems a good time to post this for anyone wanting support:

NAPAC
(National Association for People Abused in Childhood)

napac.org.uk/what-napac-does/

NAPAC Support Line: 0808 801 0331
(free from landlines and mobiles)

And for those supporting the affected person:
napac.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Supporters-of-Survivors_web.pdf

Wishing you well

Don't you think your sister raised it when he was on his death bed so that she could ask him why?
also b/c I'd suggest it was only when he was old and weak that she felt strong enough to stand up to him, we forget the enormous power that parents wield, they have trained us to be loyal and it is hard to go against that training.
Plus it can take decades to untangle the layers of deception, in many ways the imperative to be loyal to parents acts like a brick wall obscuring your view of all the things which lurk behind it

Some really great advice. Thanks to all who replied, and shared their stories too.

The courage to heal will really help you process this shocking information. Your poor sister. And you.

I'd believe your sister. I had a friend in college who was one of 5... Number 3 actually... His mother physics abused him... And only him. His siblings wouldn't believe him when he told them (as adults) and then we he had kids and didn't let his mother watch them, his siblings thought he was awful....

physically

It will have taken an enormous amount of courage for your sister to disclose to you, OP.
It is easy to get drawn into thoughts of 'is it true'? at this point.
Could it be 'false memory' etc etc, but this is a red herring right now.
'if it is true' (and it probably is...) then she needs long term support.
If she is 'making it up' then she needs long term support.
Statistically, it is far and away more probable it IS true, sadly.

Please don't share the information with anyone without her permission - it's HER information. The family may well deny / disbelieve and this could be a disaster at this stage.

However, it is a big load for you to process too.
You both need Counselling and support, your sister's need is urgent.

Before the people of Mumsnet condemn a potentially innocent man on one person's say so I think it is best to focus on the ladies immediate issues that being she needs support (objectively and not taking sides) and to be listened to. I wouldn't do anything with that information if your sister has asked not to share it. just offer your support with here ongoing issues and try not to let an unproven accusation affect the relationship with your father.

I was weighing up whether to mention this to you op, but has your sister decided whether she will take the matter up with the police?
This is criminal act, and some action should be considered, if your sister wants to press charges, she can.

I am sorry to say your sister is unlikely to be his only victim, and you need to prepare yourself for that.

I am sorry this has happened to your sister, to you - to your family. It will be a terrible shock.
As a starting point perhaps consider talking about it to the wider family. At the very least to prevent him for hurting anyone else. There is a safe guarding issue to be considered carefully, because he is still able to continue and abuse others at the moment, even if you consider him to be old, in some cases age makes no difference whatsoever, and can be a cover for people like him.