Family bombshell just landed (triggering)

[Blindsided12]

Not nice subject matter, be warned. Name changed due to sensitive topic. So my little sister (33, anorexic) told me my father abused her when she was around 7. She's not sure how many times (could be twice, could be 20) but she has a vivid memory of it happening twice and in which room at home. Hands down pants basically. I'm shocked. I don't know what to do with this information. She said this memory only came to light in the last year. She's been mentally ill for years. I am one of 6 (she's the youngest) and afaik nobody else has experienced this. Can't say it to my elderly mum. Or my other siblings as we're not close and sister has sworn me to secrecy. Parents are divorced and I don't often see him but not on terrible terms. What do I do with this information? If it's a false memory (she's always in and out of hospitals and therapy) then it's a terrible slur on an innocent man. Never happened to me. If it's true, then what?

Not sure, they're divorced and not on friendly terms

Thank you, really appreciate this advice. I will get that book.

If it's a false memory ...

I've read a good deal about trauma and as far as I could see the 'false memory' theory has been discredited.

The fight/flight/freeze response is, on the other hand, a textbook response to trauma. Your mind trains itself to shut down and block out the traumatic experience.

To me the latter explanation sounds a good deal more credible (and is based on proven fact) than the former. It's also more feasible that abuse in childhood was the cause of the mental health difficulties she's now experiencing, than that these issues are the cause of her lying about or imagining past abuse.

Your sister needs expert help and care. As an adult who was abused as a child by my father, I had cPTSD and needed 18 months of EMDR therapy, which has been life-changing, and has enabled me to feel well and secure in a way I never have before.

Please OP stick by her and support her in seeking out the help she may desperately need. There is nothing else you need to 'do' with the information. This has to be her choice. And the first priority should be to get the necessary help, and not feel under pressure to rush into anything.

I'm afraid I think she is telling the truth

She had a traumatic experience in her teens before her mental issues developed, which is where we all thought they stemmed from. That's the only reason really why I have doubt in my mind. I have to try and weigh it all up and think deeply. I will support her but for myself, still need to fully process it.

Part of her probably feels in an even more vulnerable place right now because she's opened up and told you. She obviously felt she could but she may be doubting whether she should have so please show her you are there for her / believe her / want to support her.

As for "what should I do now". Well not much really because it has to be on her terms. But as long as you're supporting her then that's the best thing you can do.

Don't tell her mother, or any one else, unless she wants you to. Better for each of you to process it alone.

You say your mum isn't maternal, she's unlikely to help and highly likely to make it worse. She may make it all about her distress, which is no good to your sister at all.

You could start conversations with your siblings about your childhoods, what was going on in the family at the time or before then. Some of them may make you aware of things you didn't know, or disclose things themselves.

It could be she was abused and thats the reason for her mental health issues, or the MH issues are causing her to remember something that never happened. False memories are not that unusual, and people with MH issues are very suggestable.

I knew someone with a 'remembered' memory of her parents committing ritual satanic abuse on her as a child. Totally false, and she was diagnosed with BPD.

False memory has not been discredited, and its very easy for a therapist to lead someone down the path of a false memory, especially of sexual abuse. I have seen this up close. This woman said her parents had carved satanic symbols on her chest, but her chest was clear. She said they had crept into her home and done it recently. She was the sanest looking and sounding person you could ever meet and this was a huge shock to everyone.

I'm not saying your sister is making things up or remembering falsely, but what I would say is the best thing is to believe her, and see how it pans out. Horrendous for your father if these allegations are false, but also for your DSis if they are true.

maybe ask your mum why they are divorced?

@user1932456542587

"False memories" are rare. What is common is for people to push traumatic memories away and try to block them out to survive.

Her mental illness is more compelling as obvious signs of a traumatic injury. It is also entirely credible for only one child in a family to be targeted. Although equally others may have too and be differently affected. Everyone responds to trauma differently.

Anorexia is about trying to feel in control. Trauma and abuse are about a loss of control.

You don't need to do anything with the information, just support your sister.

This. However, my thoughts and compassion are with you because it must be a very difficult situation for you. Best wishes xxx

@redvest

maybe ask your mum why they are divorced?

We know why they are divorced, nothing related here.

Thanks everyone for replying, lots to think about

Your Mum may already know.

Good luck to you both, your sister may not be the only victirm though.

You are reverberating right now with this bombshell.

Sounds like you have been supporting your DSis for decades through a hellish time.

Give yourself some time to settle - no decisions need to made or actions taken.

Maybe look at it as an honour that she chose you to tell and a gift that this might be an insight / breakthrough that sets her on a clearer path to recovery.

But put your own oxygen mask on first - self care before you can continue supporting her.

One of the worst things that can happen to CSA survivor is not being believed - betrayed twice.

@Blindsided12 I understand why you would not want to believe this and would be hoping it was somehow a false memory, don't be too hard on yourself for your reaction. This must be awful for you I'm truly sorry it's happening. That's all really.

She's 33 and your mum is in her seventies.

Is there a large age gap between her and you and the rest of your siblings?

Not really, there are a lot of us, about 11 years betwen the oldest and youngest

Does your dad have any access to children (or has he had access to grandchildren?) Doesn't have to be alone in the house, stuff can happen in the next room. If there are children currently in the picture I think you need to be telling people.

Are there any grandchildren that may need to be protected? You say you're not on great terms, are your other siblings?

No, he lives miles away and sees us maybe once a year. No unsupervised access ever.

What does she want you to do? You need to listen to her. There are false memories but that doesn't mean her's are or aren't, it is terribly hard to know. I worked with someone who for years insisted she had been abused, her parents were religious and it was all a cult. One day she said none of it was true, the counsellor had put the idea in her head and it grew. I don't think anyone could unpick it now, she has decided it was false and is much happier so that is probably the main thing.

For right now, keep your sister's confidence. I think it's paramount that she feels she can rely on someone to do as she asks.

If these are new revelations for her, she needs to 'settle' into them herself and decide how she wants to handle them and who she wants to tell.

One concern is whether or not your dad currently has access to children. This isn't something to burden your sister with right now, but perhaps her treatment team should quietly be made aware so they can try and work with her with this in mind.

Hi OP. This happened to us too. My elder sister accused my dad after having a type of therapy that can cause false memories. The part that has made us all a little unwilling to believe her is that we are 3 girls and neither of the other 2 of us have experienced anything similar either.
The other element was that she waited to accuse him until he was on his deathbed and unable to speak or defend himself. This was supposed to have happened 50 years ago, so I totally understand your predicament, he is now dead and she basically accusing my mum of knowing and being an accessory - she has never had a good relationship with our mum and it felt a bit like revenge to us. The problem is I would always have said that I would believe the victim regardless and so it feels very uncomfortable to say that basically we don't believe it happened.
It has ruined the memories of my dad for all of us and part of me thinks that this is what she wanted. Horrible situation to be in.

@Blindsided12 it’s not only access to your children that’s the issue , does he have access to any children , if so then this cannot be kept a secret .

Echoing as above, believe and support. Her mental health issues are likely to be caused by the abuse. It's not unusual to only target one child. It makes it unlikely to be believed if they do tell, as 'well it never happened to me'.

I knew of 2 families growing up where daughters were abused. It didn't surface until adulthood, and 2 of the them (one in each family) didn't experience abuse. They had mental health issues.

The mother protected the father's in both circumstances. One of the women decided to confront it in her 30's. It did not go well. No one wanted to hear it or deal with it.