Family bombshell just landed (triggering)

[Blindsided12]

Not nice subject matter, be warned. Name changed due to sensitive topic. So my little sister (33, anorexic) told me my father abused her when she was around 7. She's not sure how many times (could be twice, could be 20) but she has a vivid memory of it happening twice and in which room at home. Hands down pants basically. I'm shocked. I don't know what to do with this information. She said this memory only came to light in the last year. She's been mentally ill for years. I am one of 6 (she's the youngest) and afaik nobody else has experienced this. Can't say it to my elderly mum. Or my other siblings as we're not close and sister has sworn me to secrecy. Parents are divorced and I don't often see him but not on terrible terms. What do I do with this information? If it's a false memory (she's always in and out of hospitals and therapy) then it's a terrible slur on an innocent man. Never happened to me. If it's true, then what?

@originaldiv just to say that my grandad abused my eldest cousin (he admitted it to police) he had unsupervised access to us all and some of my older female cousins ages are just months apart.

Maybe she is being malicious but if your only doubt is you and your sister were not touched well sorry to say that might be because you didn't need to be he had your older sister for his 'needs'. It would also explain her bad relationship with your mother.

[quote LouHotel]@originaldiv just to say that my grandad abused my eldest cousin (he admitted it to police) he had unsupervised access to us all and some of my older female cousins ages are just months apart.

Maybe she is being malicious but if your only doubt is you and your sister were not touched well sorry to say that might be because you didn't need to be he had your older sister for his 'needs'. It would also explain her bad relationship with your mother.[/quote]
She's actually the youngest. And has a good relationship with our mother.

Nvm I see you were replying to someone else

@Fl1mflam

she had a traumatic experience in her teens a sexually abused child is likely to become a reckless teenager, it messes up your radar, this early experience where the person who you've been trained to love and trust dominates exploits and humiliates you, you have been trained to trust predators and you spend much of adult life in a dream running into the lions den unable to understand that this is a predator

This exactly. I’m a therapist and indulging in reckless sexual behaviour as an adult/ teen can be a response up sexual abuse. The reason is that sexual exploitation gets confused with “love”- if you’ve been told as a child you are daddy’s special girl and that sex is a way to express love (obviously it’s not when it involves a child) then your view of sex is completely and utterly warped. You feel it’s all you have to offer people you crave attention from- it becomes your currency to get close to people because you have never been taught about healthy boundaries and you certainly don’t feel you can say no to people without horrible consequences.

Anorexia is all about control, being able to control your body when your life is spiralling out of control in other ways. It also represents making yourself smaller- as if taking up as little space in life is all you deserve. Then there’s also it being a mechanism to hide your femininity, your periods stop and lowering body fat to reduce breasts etc it’s a way of remaining childlike when age wise you should be becoming a woman. Also self punishing. It’s so multi layered and complex which is why anorexia is one of the hardest psych disorders to treat.

So yes, it’s very possible she was abused. This is her information to share, not yours, and I would urge her to explore the possibility of sharing this information with her therapist as a first step. Something like this can blow families apart and at the risk of this sending her into a self destructive spiral she needs a secure support network in place before she shares this with the wider family.

Oh gosh. How awful for you (and her).

Just as a slightly different thought......have you tried asking him? Would you know from his response? I’m suggesting this, because in two child abuse cases I’ve worked with (one who remembered abuse many years after it happened), we spoke to the fathers as part of the police procedures/disclosures. In both cases the fathers confessed immediately. I’m obviously not suggesting they were good people, or that their actions were forgiveable, but they seemed almost to have been waiting for the opportunity to be caught and to be punished.

In one of those same cases I asked the girl in question what her dream outcome would be. She said she wanted to repair her relationship with her father. I’ve often thought of her since and wondered about the outcome.

I agree with the others- because you don’t need do anything except help your sister. And maybe telling you was the help. Does she want the big fuss? Would that help her, or would it make things worse.

Look after yourself, OP.

Op your poor sister, it must have taken a huge amount of courage and work for her to tell you.

Please reassure her at the very least that you believe her and will support her. She too will be broken by this revelation. Have you any idea how hard it is to acknowledge the person that was supposed to love and protect you for life is actually your abuser? It will have been the hardest thing for her to face, and she sounds absolutely like she has suffered for years and years already. Your poor sister has been dealing with this by herself both as a little girl and a young person alone without any help, or any support.

I would recommend you get some counselling as well, because you will need to process this, and indeed research how you can best support her.

I think you mother's feelings here are largely irrelevant given the magnitude of the problem. If your sister wants to tell her, she should be able to do so, your mother is divorced anyway and is an adult.

When I finally told my sister that I had been regularly abused as a small child by an uncle who used to babysit, her response was "I don't believe you because you were always his favourite".
I hadn't said anything for years and I still don't know why.
Please believe her don't let your sister down.
It's silence that allows abuse to happen.

Thanks, good advice. Just to note, she was never a promiscuous teenager who indulged in reckless sex, quite the opposite!

that we are 3 girls and neither of the other 2 of us have experienced anything similar either
peodos understand that this will help to give them plausible deniability, they are very careful to hide, the grooming is about making the child feel as if they are complicit, the whole thing is about secrecy and getting away with things in plain sight.
He will have bargained with himself, told himself it was ok because he only did it to one of the girls etc

[quote LouHotel]@originaldiv just to say that my grandad abused my eldest cousin (he admitted it to police) he had unsupervised access to us all and some of my older female cousins ages are just months apart.

Maybe she is being malicious but if your only doubt is you and your sister were not touched well sorry to say that might be because you didn't need to be he had your older sister for his 'needs'. It would also explain her bad relationship with your mother.[/quote]
I totally understand what you're saying and I have wondered that as has my other dsis. We are not saying it's not true anyway, Even to our mum becuase that wouldn't be right at all. Our mum has asked us to say we believe it didn't happen and we won't do that because we weren't there.
So that's something she has to live with too

If mum is not maternal then I doubt this will kill her.

Prioritise your sister, don't rely on this being a false memory

@Curioushorse

Oh gosh. How awful for you (and her).

Just as a slightly different thought......have you tried asking him? Would you know from his response? I’m suggesting this, because in two child abuse cases I’ve worked with (one who remembered abuse many years after it happened), we spoke to the fathers as part of the police procedures/disclosures. In both cases the fathers confessed immediately. I’m obviously not suggesting they were good people, or that their actions were forgiveable, but they seemed almost to have been waiting for the opportunity to be caught and to be punished.

In one of those same cases I asked the girl in question what her dream outcome would be. She said she wanted to repair her relationship with her father. I’ve often thought of her since and wondered about the outcome.

I agree with the others- because you don’t need do anything except help your sister. And maybe telling you was the help. Does she want the big fuss? Would that help her, or would it make things worse.

Look after yourself, OP.

I could consider asking him I suppose, if I gathered up the courage. Food for thought. Thank you.

"I don't believe you because you were always his favourite"

yeah that, they make a pet of you and in their minds that makes up for or justifies the bad things they do, he treated you like a favourite on purpose to cover his tracks, he knew exactly what he was doing and a big part of it is tricking and humiliating the victim, it's all set up precisely so that they WONT be believed, if they speak out they will be blamed
it's all about making you complicit in your own downfall:(

Could this actually be the reason for her MH problems and anorexia?!

This is highly likely.

I believe her, and that his abuse is at the root of her mental health problems.

You may not have been abused, but can you be sure none other of your siblings have?

Even if she is the only one it is not unusual for a single child - especially a vulnerable and sensitive one - to be targeted.

Respect her wishes. Tell no-one else unless she gives you permission, but validate her and give her support. She may be helped by speaking to a social worker, counsellor etc. Poor child.

Please believe her. People who have been abused and not believed are more traumatised by that than the original abuse. Maybe you could get some advice from the National Association for People Abused in Childhood about how to deal with this situation.

From my understanding the false memory theory is far less common than previously believed and therapists are trained not to put words in people's mouths.

Believe her. I was abused and sometimes I tell myself it was a false memory because the truth is so painful it's easier to hate myself for making it up.

Even if she is the only one it is not unusual for a single child - especially a vulnerable and sensitive one - to be targeted
yes...the lion doesnt target the strong healthy antelope, it goes for the weak straggler who will be an easy target

I could consider asking him I suppose, if I gathered up the courage. Food for thought. Thank you.

It's extremely unlikely that he'd tell you the truth if he's guilty. Chances are if you ask your dad it's unlikely he'll keep it to himself. If he's guilty he's going to want to cover his tracks by making out your sister is a liar. If he's innocent, he may want to be sure that the accusation hasn't spread in the family. Again, be guided by your sister and/or her 'team'.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this situation. It must be heartbreaking. If you feel it would help to have IRL support, you may want to speak to a counselor yourself. You can be assured of confidentiality so you'll be able to speak freely. And a counselor may have strategies and tools to help you cope and to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Good morning. It’s a brand new day. I’m so so sorry this happened to your sister. Obviously this changes everything you ever knew/believed about your whole family, and it’s important you have support coming to terms with that. If I were you (I’m not, I’m your sister in this scenario), I’d take advantage of the Covid situation to buy yourself some time before deciding if you want any further contact with your father or anyone else who might have known or suspected and turned a blind eye. I only say that because I think if I told my sister (I haven’t yet), and she carried on having a relationship with our father after that, it’d probably be the end of me and her. That’s partly what’s stopping me telling her. So the fact that she’s told you is a massive leap of faith and trust in you, possibly you’re the only one who might believe her. You must be pretty special. On a separate note, a mother who simply can’t be told certain things as it would upset her too much (possibly endanger her health) is an absolute classic character in this setup. Essential, in fact, to maintaining the facade that’s currently disintegrating around you. Again, I’m so so sorry. Your life will never be the same. But hopefully, with the right support, you may gain a sister who was previously lost to the world. And it’ll be the start of something new, and real, and honest. You can do this.

@SandMason - beautiful, powerful and poignant words. So brave to post and so sorry this happened to you.

You should get professional advice. What sort of mental health issue does she have? is she delusional as a symptom. You owe it to her to explore whether this really happened, however, keep an open mind until you gather all the facts. Some mental illnesses cause the sufferer to believe things that are not correct.

so sorry to hear this. it happened to me by my grandpa few ttimes when I was about 3 or 4. and yes only emerged in my mind at 40, got corroborated so is true. Good to be beleived , I don't want to live as a victim though, but what weighs on me is that family weight and pressure of keeping the secret and toeing the line. is it possible your mum knows? just thinking as they're divorced...it could be a weight off. maybe you could ask some leading questions? ...

@Blindsided12
I was abused in a similar way twice at age 9
I too remember exactly what the abuser was wearing and the exact locations in the house.

I was sworn to secrecy by the abuser- a tradesman my parents left me with. Saying “ Be nice to Mr H*, make him a coffee or tea “

I’d say the fact your sister remembers the location clearly is a sign it was real.

My abuse was minimised by parents when I told them as an adult.They were more concerned about who else I had told.

GP and counsellor
Not surprised the girl has emotional issues.
Serious indecent assault is distressing to any child

I would believe her and support her, the trauma caused by child sex abuse can often manifest as eating disorders and other mental health issues later in life.
Very difficult issue to cope with, families tend to close ranks and protect the perpetrator, this causes further trauma to the victim QUOTE.

So so true. Thank goodness someone gets it😢

Sorry to everyone on this thread who this happened to .

Two of my sisters were abused, I used to go with one to counselling. They never told me who, I suspect uncle/cousins. So it can happen to just 1 or 2 in a house with lots of children.