Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

Keep reading your daughters note xx

I understand it must be so hard for you OP and very overwhelming but I agree with others that you need to think of what is best for you and the children and I don’t think there is another way to safely leave unfortunately. The refuge have offered you a place, they wouldn’t do that if they didn’t feel you needed a place.

Try to just break things down step by step, don’t worry about next week, next month etc, just focus on tonight and tomorrow. Small steps and you will get there. Thinking of you x

You feel confused - you are bound to, don’t feel bad for that, it’s an attachment to an abuser, it’s so normal to feel that way.

However,

Your daughter doesn’t and you other children will be feeling the same too.
The SW doesn’t, she tried to get you a place as soon as she could.
The refuge centre doesn’t, they have you a place.
Everyone on here, many many people, don’t they have helped you through this because they all believe you, all understand.

Just make sure you have a list, I think it will really help you because you doubt yourself so much. You can show whoever you need to show without having to say it all. You won’t be the first to do that.

Keep being brave, keeping taking deep breath’s

OP your question is what if leaving "this way" is wrong, what if there is "another way" to leave.
So you know you want to leave, and the right thing to do is leave. But your panic and fears are because you are leaving and going to a refuge, and that means you've "labelled" his behaviour as abuse, and what if you're wrong? What if they don't believe you, like when you were a child and abused?
You are so, so, unbelievably brave to be doing this. Brave because you are forging ahead and doing the right thing even though you are scared and the easy thing in the short term is to stay and hope against all judgement that he magically changes.
But you know he won't change, and you know you have to be brave. You can absolutely do this. It is abuse, you are right, you are not accusing him of something he didn't do. Everyone on this thread knows that, WA know that, your SW knows that, and deep down so do you. You just have to silence the doubting voice telling you you're wrong because you're not wrong. You're doing the right thing. You can do it. You can!

It is scary. But you know you're doing the right thing. He's awful, not just to you, but also to your children.

You're not wrong OP

You're having an understandable wobble. This is huge.

However

Think of all the times you've been terrified of him. How he's raped you, constantly paws at you, even in front of the children, how you can't have one minutes peace from his sexual demands - all against your will.

Think about how he treats your DD - he is abusing her too, as she won't comply. Throwing her toys out into the garden. Refusing to let her sit quietly and do some colouring. Telling her that he kicks animals in the garage. He is exerting his control over her now. Think what her life is going to be like with him as a teenager. Think about how different the children are when he's not around. Not walking on eggshells.

You are doing absolutely the right thing. The best thing for you and your children in fact.

Be strong, you can do this.

Not to panic you OP but you do not want DD on trial for murder if she snaps in her teenage years and murders her father- there was a case near us where this happened after years of watching her mother being abused by her father, when he went for DD once again she fought back - don’t submit her to this life as - all the mental abuse and damage aside - if she fights back one of them could die. You know the risk to you own life too if you stay - google the daughter who killed her father

Op if your wrong then so am i, so are the hundreds of people on here, so are womens aid, so are the people at refuge. We cant all be wrong can we? Your not wrong op. Deep down you know that, that's why you started the thread in the first place because even with all you have been through in your childhood and your perception of relationships you knew somewhere inside that his behaviour wasnt ok. I know its so hard to ignore that doubting voice when its shouting so loud but listen to the other voice, listen to our voices, to your childrens. Read your daughters note, read your threads again. You are doing the right thing i promise you that. Stay strong op your nearly there. Xxx

I'm thinking can I speak to someone about how he is with the kids and get counselling or parenting course for him. If he agrees and changes. If not then nothing will change. But I think he is a good persona and he doesnt realise or cant control it.
I dont want to leave like this. I dont want the kids to go through that. I cant just leave things as they are but i dont want to do this.

This is our home. this is pur whole life. This is everything here. Their future happiness all depends on what happens during childhood. I want to make things work. I've sent an email to womens aid lady asking what else I can do. Counselling for him? Some kind of help with me staying.

Nothing there is nothing you can do apart from taking your children and keeping them safe. It is that bad and there is nothing you can do to make it work that wont cause your children pain.

I have before said you compare your childhood to theirs and I think theirs isnt as bad. But trust me when I say (as do many others) that the way he treats you and your children is awful. They are on a path to have problems in later life due to this. It is that bad.

Their future happiness depends on ONE THING OP, one thing. You removing them. If you stay - if you prioritise him in this they are lost. Every day you stay is a day you are making them live in that environment is a day you are going to have to help them overcome.

If he is a good person the only thing that will make him realise and change is you going to a refuge. If you want to save him then you need to leave.

Your DD is telling you daily how living with him makes her feel. Please listen. Before someone else does and SS are involved without you pushing for it.

I am sorry to be so harsh OP but its the truth. Your children are in danger staying in that environment and they have NO CHOICE. You now do. You have a choice. If you dont make the right one to take them away think about what you are forcing them to go through.

Oh chicken, he’s not going to change. How can he change something he doesn’t see? You cannot say he doesn’t know he’s doing anything wrong. You have told
Him. Over and over. He sexually abuses you, if he went on a parenting course and told them he tries to rape you in bed with your children they are going to report it. SS will pick up on the kids and your nervousness round him instantly, and if you haven’t removed yourself from the situation they will remove them OP. It’s predatory behaviour, a rapist is a rapist and they will see it how many of us do, what happens when he gets bored of you will he move on to your daughter. I am not trying to scare you but I think you really need to take the SS thing serious. You have three children that’s three times more likely someone is to mention something and it could be so innocent such as

“Daddy smacks mummy’s bum like this”
“My daddy says mummy’s body is his”
“I like it when daddy goes to work because he shouts and makes me feel sad”
“I wrote mummy a note telling her daddy makes me feel sad”
And so on.. it doesn’t have to be something huge for just one person to think well that’s not normal for a child to know.

The whole their childhood shapes their life, is why we have told you to leave. Your eldest is getting to an age she will remember, she has already told you she has no voice, and that daddy makes her feel sad. In a note she HID because she was so scared he would find it. Your kids are happier when he’s not there. A house is bricks and water OP you cannot honestly believe that staying for a house and possessions is what shapes their childhood.

Be strong.

It’s normal to have a wobble but it was you who told us all there is no other way. You know him. You know he won’t change you have said it yourself, and you know he won’t leave quietly. I have never wrote in a thread before telling them to seek refuse I would usually say kick the bastard out, but it’s clear for everyone to see in this case he will not listen because he doesn’t listen when his hands are inside you and your telling him no no no. Even when his kids are lying there.

Read your messages on here, click see all on your own post don’t read everybody’s it will take you about half an hour. Remind yourself

Xx

What is it that is so bad. I dont know why last week I was ep set on going and now I'm thinking the kids are happy most of the time and rare occasions hurt their feelings. Yesterday he was off and was fine the whole day. Kids were so happy and I just feel like I will be taking away their happiness. Taking away their father. Taking away absolutely everything when there might be a better way to deal with things. He will most likely get access anyway without me there to protect them. They will have more access to him and I wont be here to protect them. He is only there 1 day a week or 2 at most atm.
Believe me I'm not prioritising him I only want what is best for the children. My doubts are with them in mind

@Chickencuddle I don’t want to sound harsh, because it’s the last thing you need at this critical time. However, men like this don’t change. Even if he agrees to counselling, a parenting course and anger management (which he would need because of the way he reacts to the kids). It’s unlikely he will admit to everything he has done (rape, sexual abuse, the way he treats the children, the way he treats you), unless he is willing to do that, not just to you but to a counsellor, he isn’t going to get anywhere.

The usual way this goes is, he agrees to everything you say, then he puts off ‘I will make more of an effort’ ‘let’s see how it goes and then if it doesn’t work we will go’ or talks you round to thinking that it’s unnecessary and your fault, ‘do you not think if you did (x) it would be better’ - it is NOT your fault and you should NOT have to put up with being groped and sexually abused and rape and being hurt.

Then after a period of good behaviour, he will start to chip away again and you will be back to square one.

I completely understand where you are coming from, especially after everything you have been through. But you deserve this chance and so do your children, equally nobody deserves to have to be treated like this.

Children who have a loving parent bounce back so easily, they will feel safe and free. You will be so surprised.

Whereas currently they are being shouted and punished for normal behaviour. They don’t even like being alone with him - this is 100% beyond normal. There are strict parents and there are abusive parents, he is damaging them.

Also to consider is, if things continue the way things are currently going, it will be a lot worse if your children display any sexualised behaviour in school and social services get involved.

I hope I haven’t been too harsh, I just want you to consider everything before you make this decision. It’s taken you so long to get here and I would hate for things to inevitably continue or get worse and you look back and wish that you had followed through with the refuge - which is definitely the best course of action.

You love him, but is he worth losing your kids over? Why don't you phone social services and ask them if they think this kind of enviroment is ok to raise your children in. YOU know it's not. If you don't protect them then one day someone else will.

Not long ago you were determined to get out. What you’re feeling now is just fear, and that’s completely normal. But you have to do it.

It may feel like a mistake, but you have to trust yourself from a few weeks ago, trust the people on here, trust the people at WA. One day, your children will thank you for taking this huge step to keep them safe.

That’s what contact centres are for OP. Yesterday was ONE day, are you really going to stay for the series of one days he manages to not terrorise the kids or sexually abuse you. We have all told you “what is it that is so bad”, please real all on OPs posts, maybe seeing it in black and white. Maybe go back to your original thread too. That started back in March and in the last 9 months he’s still doing it, you cannot believe he’s suddenly going to stop. He isn’t capable c

@Yellowswan

Hi *@Chickencuddle*

Firstly, I’m so sorry that this is happening to you and your children.
I have been following this thread but not commented as I think you are already getting some great advice and support from those that have.
I am a child protection social worker, I’m not here to judge, but after reading your last post I wanted to give you some safety advice. I understand you have made plans to leave but you are completely stuck currently. I cannot stress enough the importance of following through with your plan to leave, your children are suffering emotional abuse and there is no doubt in my mind that they will all have been profoundly affected by their experiences, even if it is not evident in the younger ones yet. Also, it is not your fault, it sounds like you are doing all you can but there comes a point where that just won’t be enough to combat the impact. I think someone said earlier in the thread, if you don’t get your children out, it may be taken out of your hands. If your children start to talk in school and social care become involved, it is highly likely that they will assess that they need to be out of the situation immediately. I can honestly say they would do everything they could to keep you with your children, but there would be no ifs and buts about the harm they are suffering. I’m really not saying that wanting to scare you, but that’s the reality.
It sounds like to are coming to this realisation yourself and considering your traumatic history, it is to your huge credit that you can do this. You need to stay strong now, no more doubts.

Anyway, what really compelled me to write after your last post was your dd. My strong advice would be that while you are waiting to leave, under no circumstances should your children be left alone with your partner. I appreciate that may make things tricky, but it’s for their safety. He cannot be left to emotionally abuse your dd like that again, she will be feeling terrified, anxious and confused. So for the next few days, no matter what it takes, you must be with them all the time.

I’m so sorry that you don’t have anyone irl that can support you, you need it more than ever right now. But keep posting, keep talking to your support worker, and if you or the children are in real danger, don’t hesitate to contact police, I promise that services will help you, listen to you and believe you, no proof required x

Chicken i think it would be helpful for you to read this post again from @Yellowswan

The words of a social worker who has thread your thread :

“Also, it is not your fault, it sounds like you are doing all you can but there comes a point where that just won’t be enough to combat the impact. I think someone said earlier in the thread, if you don’t get your children out, it may be taken out of your hands. If your children start to talk in school and social care become involved, it is highly likely that they will assess that they need to be out of the situation immediately.”

Please take this seriously OP. She isn’t talking about another case, she has read everything you have wrote about him and is telling you it is highly likely they would be taken from the home.

What is it that is so bad.

Everything about your living environment. The sexual abuse and overly sexualised environment that skews your childrens boundaries as to what is normal and what is not (which from what you have said is yours and his background. Do you want your son to become him).

His control and his temper and the way he wont let anyone be in charge.

Why was yesterday a good day - because he was in a good mood? Did the whole day work because no one challenged him and it went his way?

I echo reading Yellowswan's email. I worked in the legal side for a bit and I agree. You have started this now - stopping will raise flags anyway.

Please go

OP you obviously don’t think your children are safe around him if you feel they need you there to protect them from their father. This is not normal, you shouldn’t feel scared of your husband and that you need to protect your children from him. I understand the idea of leaving feels very scary for you but do you honestly think he is capable of changing? Of accepting responsibility for the abuse he has carried out and getting counselling? From what you’ve said before it doesn’t sound like it. He never apologies or takes responsibility for his horrific actions. You repeatedly tell him to stop doing things but he continues, because he doesn’t care. If he were a good person he wouldn’t do this

Also, if you left and he was granted access to the children, this would most likely be in a supervised contact centre, I doubt he would be granted unsupervised contact because of his abuse

Seems pretty obvious the OP has now decided not to leave. We can only hope that one of the children does say something and the whole process is taken out of her hands.

Chickencuddle I am sorry to be harsh and brutal here but if you take it that he is a good man who doesnt know what he is doing then you are saying his childhood and the way he was parented caused this.

You yourself admit that your issues come from your parenting and being let down by your parents.

At the moment your children are the same as both of you - growing up in an abusive environment that doesnt allow them to understand normal boundaries and behaviour.

If you stay you are telling them it is normal - because like you they have no idea what normal healthy environment to live in looks like

If you leave you are doing what your mum never did - you are saving them. You are saying that his behaviour isnt ok.

Staying isnt protecting them from him it is actually telling them that his behaviour isnt ok and the way to deal with it is to appease him.

And the cycle continues. So in 15/20 years time your DD is on here saying the same. Your son's partner is saying all the same things about him.

Staying is putting him first. And ultimately risking losing your children.

@noirchatsdeux

Seems pretty obvious the OP has now decided not to leave. We can only hope that one of the children does say something and the whole process is taken out of her hands.

It sounds like the OP really doesn't want to leave and is telling herself the children will somehow be ok.

Unfortunately OP, you are putting HIM, who terrorises your children and yourself, ahead of the children.

His needs are the only ones in the family being met.

Please God the children will tell someone something that will trigger the family being brought to the attention of SS.

Poor little mites, reared in such a horrific home.

The next generation of traumatised adults.

Perfectly positioned to abuse, because of what they have seen and think is normal.

Or abused, because being sexually assaulted and mauled is what they grew up around.

Many people grow up in dysfunctional families.
I so admire those who want more for their children, than what they had.

Hopefully one day OP, you too will want more for your children than what you had.

God help you, but the paralysis of your abusive childhood is locking your children in a similarly abusive environment.......and so it continues into the next generation.