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Original poster

Confused, help me make sense of why he doesn't want to see me.

119 replies

Namechanged1122 · 22/09/2020 18:41

Have name changed for this. I'm quite embarrassed to be writing this down.
I met a guy at work in March just before we locked down. We couldn't see each other then outside work, obviously.. we have fancied each other from the beginning and we stayed in touch throughout lockdown (as well as seeing each other at work) I'll admit the chat outside of work got very flirty and - I wouldn't normally do this - but images were shared (not identifiable images).

I haven't actually seen him outside of work. This sounds ridiculous.... he's very paranoid about covid, sometimes when I look over I'll see him sanitising his hands several times. Sometimes we see each other at a cafe we both go to prior to work and we'll walk in together but that's it. We talk most of the day either on work Skype or on what's app in the evening. While we're not 'official' He has told me that he isn't dating anyone and has no plans to until there is a vaccine.... his mums birthday was a few weeks ago and he told me he couldn't visit as it didn't feel safe.

The other thing is, he has a 'friend' who he has known around 15 years, yes she's female. She has a dog and they walk it together on a Sunday and a weeknight. They live in the same apartment block and she also shares an allotment space with him. He's assured me time and time again that she's only a friend.

About 2 months ago I'd decided I was sick of him seemingly making excuses not to see me outside work so I stopped communication (at least outside work on what's app, we still spoke on work Skype)
He has got back in touch and is being more sweet with me than before, like he's changed in a way.. he's told me he's applied for jobs which means he'll be leaving soon. I said well we'll never see each other again after that. He didn't seem happy but reiterated that he can't promise me anything until a vaccine is introduced.

I don't know if he understands how hurt I am. I asked him to swap his support bubble to involve me instead of the woman he is friends with in the apartment and he said this would involve him not seeing her dog and he didn't want to do that

He continues to talk to me, and I'm trying to hold back. I don't know what he wants from me. I don't truly believe he's single but I really want to believe what he's telling me

I'm so blindsided because I like him so much.

So, I'm trying to work out - is he genuinely worried about covid or is he just not that into me ? 😖

Please someone talk sense into me, but please don't be harsh.. I feel particularly vulnerable at the moment.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 22/09/2020 18:45

is he genuinely worried about covid or is he just not that into me ?
Possibly both, but it isn't going anywhere.

Original poster
Namechanged1122 · 22/09/2020 18:45

I spend all my time crying, I just want him to feel the same as I do

OP posts:
chubbyhotchoc · 22/09/2020 18:46

It's never got off the ground because he's not into you. Sorry op. The covid thing is just a convenient excuse

wowfudge · 22/09/2020 18:47

He's playing you and I think you know it. The woman with the dog is probably his partner/wife and he's having an affair of sorts with you.

Apart from anything else, he has told you he wants to see a friend's dog outside work more than he wants to see you. Does that sound like someone who is into you? I'm sorry, but he's a nasty piece of work and he's exploiting your vulnerabilities for kicks.

wowfudge · 22/09/2020 18:47

You're worth much, much more than this man.

Original poster
Namechanged1122 · 22/09/2020 18:47

I don't know why he continues to talk to me. I suppose it's minimal effort and maybe he thinks he'll get lucky with some sexting at some point (he won't).

I don't know why I'm so gutted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged1122 · 22/09/2020 18:48

I'm a complete idiot.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/09/2020 18:49

Whatever is going on with him, he's not available to you.

And to be honest, he sounds bit of a drip - do you really want to be with someone who isn't making you you feel great and wanted? It's not worth it, it really isn't. Flowers

He's wasting your time and energy, cut him off.

Ispywithmycynicaleye · 22/09/2020 18:50
  1. He prefers to spend time with a random's dog than you Confused
  1. The random is his live in GF and he cant be away from his dog because it's his.
wowfudge · 22/09/2020 18:51

You're not an idiot - you've been strung along by someone highly manipulative. In your shoes I would tell him to delete everything you've sent him then block him.

AmandaHugenkiss · 22/09/2020 18:52

I agree with the previous poster, if he’s saying he places seeing a dog higher than seeing you then he isn’t placing you very highly at all. That’s assuming the dog lady isn’t his girlfriend.

I’d suggest cold turkey as much as you can. No contact other than that required for work purposes. He’s being cruel in the way he’s treating you and you deserve so much better.

VictoriaBun · 22/09/2020 19:01

You won't sext but you've happily shared images .
Tbh to me that's much more intimate.
Personally I don't think you can judge anyone who is doing their covid precautiona whichever watched choose . What's safe for you doesn't have to match what is for him.
He loves near this woman , has known her longer , enjoys his walks with her dog, and is now planning to change his job.
I think he is trying to tell you something here.
Stop chasing him , and get on with your own life.

LilyLongJohn · 22/09/2020 19:02

You're a welcome distraction for him I'm afraid

Opentooffers · 22/09/2020 19:04

You could be an exciting sideline for kicks as after seeing this 'friend' for 15 years the shine has worn off. He's not made it physical as that would involve having to admit to himself that he's a cheat, although he's already crossed any reasonable lines. Maybe she has seen some of your extensive communications, so she's pushing him to look elsewhere for a job. Whatever the reason, you should have higher standards than what he's giving you.

maisythehorse · 22/09/2020 19:04

The vaccine excuse is a bit far fetched, if he really wanted to be with you then surely he'll be making more of an effort to see you even not to touch you.
He's making a lot more effort with the friend and dog so I would leave it, you're also a free and single don't let him tie you to him without any commitment.

MyLifeWTF · 22/09/2020 19:05

Some people are being over cautious with Covid, my auntie is the most sane and level headed person I know and shes turned psycho with Covid.

Surely the woman he walks the dog with, same rules apply, he sees you at work so is mixing with you and sees her when walking the dog....I think she is potentially more than just a friend. Either way he isn't worth investing time into if he behaves like this, someone who liked you wants to spend time with you. Cut your losses and move on.

Original poster
Namechanged1122 · 22/09/2020 19:23

I'm going to send him a last message wishing him well

But no doubt tomorrow at work he'll come to my desk and start talking to me.

It occurred to me yesterday that even when he's working elsewhere he'll still be on the same Skype (we are both in the civil service) so he'll still be able to talk to me

So I need to be strong and block on Skype

God why is this so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged1122 · 22/09/2020 19:23

He's conditioned me to believe that I'm not worth anyone's time.

OP posts:
wowfudge · 22/09/2020 19:27

I wouldn't bother. Just ghost him and keep it strictly professional at work. Block his number.

nitsandwormsdodger · 22/09/2020 19:32

If he is talking to you face to face at work he can go on a date or meal etc

Weird he will do it with dog lady but not you,

I'd arrange to bump into him next time he is on a dog walk and make it clear to the lady you have been intimate

Original poster
Namechanged1122 · 22/09/2020 19:37

I broke down last week at work and confided in a colleague. She said that he had showed her a picture of him and this woman and it looked like they were 'together'. I believed her but mentioned this to him and he is adamant she is just a friend and the colleague is stirring.

I also threatened a while back that I'd tell his friend everything that had happened between us. He didn't react.

I just hate not knowing. But at the same time I don't want to know

OP posts:
lazylinguist · 22/09/2020 19:37

He's making you cry all the time and feel worthless. Any man who does that is not worth your time or effort, even if you'd been seeing them a lot longer than a few months!

newnameforthis123 · 22/09/2020 19:39

It doesn't matter why he isn't into you. What matters is why you are so upset even though it never really got off the ground and he told you he'd rather see a dog than you! He sounds like a dick but you need to take some responsibility for your own emotions and be accountable - you need to think about why you feel like you're in deep when it never got going. I totally get if it's loneliness during lockdown etc, that makes sense, but being this unhappy and crying all the time when you weren't together is disproportionate and you mustn't let yourself do this again with him or anyone else.

category12 · 22/09/2020 19:40

You do know, really. You just don't want to face it.

PolloDePrimavera · 22/09/2020 19:40

Are you (plural) going to carry on going to the office, in the light of new restrictions?

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