Confused, help me make sense of why he doesn't want to see me.

[Namechanged1122]

Have name changed for this. I'm quite embarrassed to be writing this down.
I met a guy at work in March just before we locked down. We couldn't see each other then outside work, obviously.. we have fancied each other from the beginning and we stayed in touch throughout lockdown (as well as seeing each other at work) I'll admit the chat outside of work got very flirty and - I wouldn't normally do this - but images were shared (not identifiable images).

I haven't actually seen him outside of work. This sounds ridiculous.... he's very paranoid about covid, sometimes when I look over I'll see him sanitising his hands several times. Sometimes we see each other at a cafe we both go to prior to work and we'll walk in together but that's it. We talk most of the day either on work Skype or on what's app in the evening. While we're not 'official' He has told me that he isn't dating anyone and has no plans to until there is a vaccine.... his mums birthday was a few weeks ago and he told me he couldn't visit as it didn't feel safe.

The other thing is, he has a 'friend' who he has known around 15 years, yes she's female. She has a dog and they walk it together on a Sunday and a weeknight. They live in the same apartment block and she also shares an allotment space with him. He's assured me time and time again that she's only a friend.

About 2 months ago I'd decided I was sick of him seemingly making excuses not to see me outside work so I stopped communication (at least outside work on what's app, we still spoke on work Skype)
He has got back in touch and is being more sweet with me than before, like he's changed in a way.. he's told me he's applied for jobs which means he'll be leaving soon. I said well we'll never see each other again after that. He didn't seem happy but reiterated that he can't promise me anything until a vaccine is introduced.

I don't know if he understands how hurt I am. I asked him to swap his support bubble to involve me instead of the woman he is friends with in the apartment and he said this would involve him not seeing her dog and he didn't want to do that

He continues to talk to me, and I'm trying to hold back. I don't know what he wants from me. I don't truly believe he's single but I really want to believe what he's telling me

I'm so blindsided because I like him so much.

So, I'm trying to work out - is he genuinely worried about covid or is he just not that into me ? 😖

Please someone talk sense into me, but please don't be harsh.. I feel particularly vulnerable at the moment.

Wowfudge is right.
Don't make it a thing.
Just distance yourself.
Be dignified.
Nothing to see, hear or discuss.

I can't bear the fact that I've been lied to. I can't believe anyone would be so cold as to do this to a work colleague.

It almost makes me panic, because I can't face up to it. He's evil

Yes I've been very lonely. I'm usually good at judging people but this time, I overlooked everything.

I've let myself down. I'm worried that this will happen to me again

Pollo - yes we are required to go to the office and have been since March. 😔

Even if he's not in a relationship with this other woman he's still not into you! I agree with PP. Don't send a last text. Just ghost him.

You’ve never been a couple and you’ve never seen him outside work?

Agree.

Ghost him.

Act professionally in the office, but block him on your social media etc.

I think you’ve seen more into it than was there and you probably feel regret over the images. Thing is, it was never a proper relationship.

Hmmm ok OP. I think you don't want him as much as you think, I think it's your mind playing tricks with you because you can't (seem to) have him. I agree generally with the "He's not that into you concept", but then why does he bother with contact?! That's what I don't get with some men.
Nevertheless, he's treating you badly and there's no more to it. Treat yourself better, be kind to yourself and ghost him. This may well make him give you more attention and then it's up to you what you do, but don't forget that he's been treating you like crap now.

We all go crazy over guys, OP. That's why people are speaking so confidently on this thread, because we've all been there! Don't feel bad.

Maybe deep down I do feel a bit of regret over the images. But I thought he was single so it didn't seem as bad. I'll probably never know for sure. I just need to stop the communication. I don't know why he continues to talk to me, I think he perhaps enjoys stringing me along.

He's not evil, he's not really into you and that's very clear so unfortunately as much as that feels shit you need to focus on positive changes you can make so you aren't in this position again where the dynamic between you and someone you're not with is making you feel so low. Nothing has really happened and he's been non committal throughout. You really need to try and see that - it was never what you thought it was by the sounds of it

I don't know why he continues to talk to me

Because you reply. It's that simple.

Come on, time to move on. You've got the rest of your life to meet people who make you happy!

That's the thing.. I'm 36. I feel like I'm too 'old' to meet anyone at this stage. I don't want children and don't have them either, so I'm not in a rush but I do feel so lonely at times.

It definitely sounds like this woman he walks the dog with is his significant other and he’s trying to flirt with someone else to massage his ego.

Omg, you think 36 is old? Please get out of that mindset. And stop wasting your time on this loser. There is a man out there that you will be happy with but you won’t find him whilst waiting for this loser to become decent (he never will)

OP it doesn't matter if he's scared, busy, working, having childcare issues, isn't feeling well, has lost his phone, is having internet problems, is really upset about something, is being there for his friend, his cock has fallen off, there's green blood pouring out of his balls, his dog has got food poisoning or he has been kidnapped by a unicorn who won't release him without a bag of magic beans. If he wants to spend his time on you - he will.

END THIS NONSENSE! KNOW YOUR WORTH!

Are you under the GP at all? It might be worth going to see someone for a bit of MH support, as you seem very low and your self-esteem is a bit battered. It's tough times, and I think you've probably given this guy so much importance because of that.

OP I really feel for you. I used to get into situations like this with guys. They would text/flirt sometimes drunken kisses but it never went further. They always met someone else. I found some of the emails a while back, and in hindsight, I was very flirty and read far too much into things. And wasted huge amounts of time on men who weren't bothered.

I had massively low self esteem and couldn't bare to be on my own or not to have some kind of thing going on with someone.

It finally clicked after counselling and realising my issues. But I cringe when I look back. I hope you find some peace. This isn't a relationship. It's not even a thing. You deserve better.

@AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit

OP it doesn't matter if he's scared, busy, working, having childcare issues, isn't feeling well, has lost his phone, is having internet problems, is really upset about something, is being there for his friend, his cock has fallen off, there's green blood pouring out of his balls, his dog has got food poisoning or he has been kidnapped by a unicorn who won't release him without a bag of magic beans. If he wants to spend his time on you - he will.

END THIS NONSENSE! KNOW YOUR WORTH!

🙌🏻 🙌🏻 🙌🏻

And OP, 36 isn't too old at all!! Especially if you don't want kids do biology isn't as big a factor.

Come on lady, time to move on from this and focus your energy on positive things that make you happy.

I think I just 'feel' old, worn out, when I look at myself in the mirror I look tired. I know I'm not actually old. I have really low self esteem but he has battered it down to nothing. I let him though, so it's my fault really.

I can't accept that he's not into me, I sort of think - why? What's wrong with me? But you can't force it, you either feel it or you don't, I suppose. And if she is his girlfriend then of course he won't be into me (she's beautiful and has her life together)

I've spent the day crying on the sofa but I'm determined to make this the last day I cry like that.

Good for you OP. Start afresh tomorrow. You really are worth so much more.

Also, look up 'limerance'. I read about it on MN a couple of years back, and it reminded me so much of situations like this.

Look after yourself, maybe visit GP. You are important in your life, this guy is not.

@ Namechanged1122

Time to give up on this non-relationship. It's totally one sided and he's just using you to while away the work hours and when he's bored in the evening. He's not interested in taking things on to a 'real' level. You're his 'virtual girlfriend', when it suits him.

Don't try to 'understand' him, because you won't be able to. You just have to accept it's not going to happen, and block him. Then you'll be free to put your energies into real potential relationships.

Do not text him from now or communicate in any other way but professionally when absolutely needed. But still act light, like it’s nothing, don’t be visibly upset or in a mood. From experience if you can force yourself to do this I cannot stress how much better you will feel about yourself in a shorter time than you think. To distract yourself, get a copy of Why Men Love Bitches. It’s old, American and very cheesy but it will change your life in this department. Chin up and act as if you couldn’t care less.