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Confused, help me make sense of why he doesn't want to see me.

119 replies

Namechanged1122 · 22/09/2020 18:41

Have name changed for this. I'm quite embarrassed to be writing this down.
I met a guy at work in March just before we locked down. We couldn't see each other then outside work, obviously.. we have fancied each other from the beginning and we stayed in touch throughout lockdown (as well as seeing each other at work) I'll admit the chat outside of work got very flirty and - I wouldn't normally do this - but images were shared (not identifiable images).

I haven't actually seen him outside of work. This sounds ridiculous.... he's very paranoid about covid, sometimes when I look over I'll see him sanitising his hands several times. Sometimes we see each other at a cafe we both go to prior to work and we'll walk in together but that's it. We talk most of the day either on work Skype or on what's app in the evening. While we're not 'official' He has told me that he isn't dating anyone and has no plans to until there is a vaccine.... his mums birthday was a few weeks ago and he told me he couldn't visit as it didn't feel safe.

The other thing is, he has a 'friend' who he has known around 15 years, yes she's female. She has a dog and they walk it together on a Sunday and a weeknight. They live in the same apartment block and she also shares an allotment space with him. He's assured me time and time again that she's only a friend.

About 2 months ago I'd decided I was sick of him seemingly making excuses not to see me outside work so I stopped communication (at least outside work on what's app, we still spoke on work Skype)
He has got back in touch and is being more sweet with me than before, like he's changed in a way.. he's told me he's applied for jobs which means he'll be leaving soon. I said well we'll never see each other again after that. He didn't seem happy but reiterated that he can't promise me anything until a vaccine is introduced.

I don't know if he understands how hurt I am. I asked him to swap his support bubble to involve me instead of the woman he is friends with in the apartment and he said this would involve him not seeing her dog and he didn't want to do that

He continues to talk to me, and I'm trying to hold back. I don't know what he wants from me. I don't truly believe he's single but I really want to believe what he's telling me

I'm so blindsided because I like him so much.

So, I'm trying to work out - is he genuinely worried about covid or is he just not that into me ? 😖

Please someone talk sense into me, but please don't be harsh.. I feel particularly vulnerable at the moment.

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 28/09/2020 14:44

His extreme views/anxiety over covid makes me think he's in a relationship. He doesn't want to go for coffee but will come to your no mask etc. If he is that anxious I'm surprised as CS he isn't working from him like the rest of the 80%.

I think he enjoys the attention. If it's the Mod network you are on, has he emailed?

Namechanged1122 · 28/09/2020 15:23

@combatbarbie our department has been told we must work from the office, colleagues with underlying conditions have been working from home since March.
I'm not in until Wednesday, he'll probably try to Skype me but I have him blocked. When he finds he can't he'll probably email.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 28/09/2020 15:43

Does he have social difficulties of some kind? He sounds a little bit inept in his dealings with you, almost as though he's got very very fixed ideas of what's 'right' and he's sticking to them slavishly (as in Covid means you 'mustn't' do certain things and therefore he can't do those things as he's been told not to).

He does sound odd. And if he's socially awkward he won't necessarily realise that there's anything wrong in him having his female friend and being attached to her dog. If, in his head, it's right, then you are the one who's odd for not seeing that it's right.

I would honestly give him a hard pass, and leave him blocked. I think he may not be the person you think he is, and anyway he sounds insufferably smug and self-opinionated - it's his way or the highway; imagine dating THAT!

Staringpoodleplottingrottie · 28/09/2020 15:45

My money is on the dog woman being his girlfriend but he likes the banter and flirting with you at work and doesn’t like feeling powerless now you’ve blocked him. It’s an ego trip. He doesn’t have feelings for you and will only make you feel worse. Keep him blocked

perfumeistooexpensive · 28/09/2020 15:52

I've had huge crushes on men and when they were out of my life and I saw them again, I couldn't believe I fancied them in the first place. You will recover if you completely block him from your life and will wonder what you ever saw in him.

YoureRight · 28/09/2020 18:12

Every minute you spend obsessing over him is a minute more of your fertile years lost. He couldn’t be clearer, believe him.

wobblywinelover · 28/09/2020 18:44

Oh OP I know it's hard but please keep him blocked this time, he's playing games with your head. All this ruminating and obsessing in itself is a red flag. Nothing ever good can come from these types of guys. He's only interested in you after you've blocked him because these types always want what they can't have. It's called a Narcissistic Injury. This guy is on a massive ego trip and you're the unfortunate victim. Stay strong

Namechanged1122 · 28/09/2020 19:14

I'm just so sad it turned out this way. We get on well but when we first met in March we got on like a house on fire.. it felt perfect. But I was also stressed and confused with covid and lockdown, so I think I overlooked the red flags I should've really spotted at the time. Since then I've just desperately wanted to believe something that isn't real.

There have been times he's told me to move on with my life and be happy without him, but he always comes back. Usually when he comes back the flirty chat starts straight away (mutually). It sounds stupid but I'm taking comfort in the fact he's told me he won't be dating at all (aside from me) until next year when it's 'safer' so I'm not thinking about the prospect of him with other women.... plus we've just gone into local lockdown including no household visits.

However the female friend is another thing entirely. I don't know 100% and I don't trust him. Anyway, I must stop thinking. Today has been difficult, I've felt really down. But I know from previous experience it gets easier as the days pass.

OP posts:
Namechanged1122 · 28/09/2020 19:15

Sorry that should say not dating at all including me.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 29/09/2020 08:08

I don't understand the confusion. He's a man who likes his ego stroked. You are someone who will stroke his ego with minimal input from him.

He's actually a really obvious user and loser, but you have fantasised him into something else. this 'relationship' actually isn't between you and him, it's between you and your fantasy of who he is.

The reality man is cold, has used you, and is clearly with someone else. the fact that you are limitlessly available to him and yet he cannot be arsed to even go for a walk together? Only a fantasist would interpret that as anyhting but a brush off. Only a fantasist would allow a few kind words to undo months of poor treatment. Only another fantasist would understand the power of the fantasy - I've done this too, many times.

Stop analysisng his words and actions. Get analysing yours. What part of you thinks a text exchange is a relationship? What part of you believes that is an ok way to treat you? why are you accepting his behaviour?

I see someone has sign-posted you to Baggage Reclaim, so instead I will share this article from Melanie Tonia Evans that talks about how to self-partner - it's what I am learning to do, and it's how I am not being a fantasist any more. I love and value myself too much to mess around fantasising over time-wasters. You can get there too.

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-is-self-partnering/

She includes this story from Don Miguel Ruiz:
“Imagine that you have a magical kitchen in your home. In that magical kitchen, you can have any food that you want from any place in the world in any quantity. You never worry about what to eat; whatever you wish for. You are very generous with your food; you give your food unconditionally to others, not because you want something in return from them. Whoever comes to your home, you feed just for the pleasure of sharing your food, and your house is always full of people who come to eat the food from your magical kitchen.

Then one day someone knocks at your door, and it’s a person with a pizza. You open the door, and the person looks at you and says, ‘Hey, do you see this pizza? I’ll give you this pizza if you let me control your life, if you do whatever I want you to do. You are never going to starve because I can bring pizza every day. You just have to be good to me.’

Can you imagine your reaction? In your kitchen you can have the same pizza even better. Yet this person comes to you and offers you food, if you just do whatever he wants you to. You are going to laugh and say, ‘No thank you! I don’t need your food, I have plenty of food!’

Now imagine the exact opposite. Several weeks have gone by and you haven’t eaten. You are starving and you have no money in your pocket to buy food. The person comes with the pizza and says, ‘Hey, there’s food here. You can have this food if you just do what I want you to.’ You can smell the food, and you are starving. You decide to accept the food and do whatever the person asks of you. You eat some food, and he says, ‘If you want more, you can have more, but you have to keep doing what I want you to do.’

You have food today, but tomorrow you may not have food, so you agree to do whatever you can for food. You can become a slave because of food, because you need food because you don’t have it.”

Feed yourself, and this man's crumbs (and the crumbs of men like him) will be unpalatable to you. You certainly won't be spending time worrying about his motivations and how to make him happy so he'll feed you.

sonjadog · 29/09/2020 08:32

His reasons for not meeting you are bullshit. Of course he could go on a socially distanced walk with you if he wanted you. That nonsense about not being able to because you would want more?? What shite. No-one ever didn´t spend time with someone they fancy because of that. And the being able to date in six months? Also bullshit. How convenient that it puts him off having to do anything now. If the vaccine isn´t ready in six months, does he expect you to sit and wait with no more contact than Skype conversations for a year or more??

He enjoys the attention at work and is playing with you for his amusement. Don´t give him the satisfaction of getting away with it any more. Gather up your pride, block him and waste no more time on this man.

Valkadin · 29/09/2020 08:48

Everyone has covered how to get away, block etc but your comment, I am a nice person. That is often the reason people get crapped on I’m afraid and being nice can actually be a disadvantage in life sometimes.

NewYearHere20 · 29/09/2020 09:04

Gosh bless you @Namechanged1122 - this guy really got you hooked didn't he. Don't be at all ashamed or embarrassed about that - honestly its happened to the best of us I'm sure. Flirting with a guy who appears to be interested can be extremely addictive, especially if it involved any kind of innuendo or images. You're completely normal for reacting the way you have.
The point is now you've done the right thing and started blocking this guy as you now know it's not going anywhere and you need to protect yourself. Chalk this one up to experience and if another guy ever tried this again with you - you'll be a little more wiser and less likely to fall for it again.
Trust me you are NOT too old. I've just recently met someone new after being divorced and I'm 48. (which also BTW isn't old! LOL)
Start working on your own self esteem and happiness. Try joining some Covid safe activities - more and more are starting to become available now either in person or on-line. Try looking at a website called Meet ups. Its for single people to meet together for similar interests. Its not a dating site - just a platform where groups for a multitude of different activities/interests. Good Luck!!

wobblywinelover · 29/09/2020 13:58

I'm sorry OP but I don't think this guy is going to stop dating until covid is over. He's reeled you in hook line and sinker i'm afraid. I know you want to see the best in him but you said yourself you don't trust him, so be prepared to see he might be dating someone soon if he isn't already. Best thing to block him and get him out of your system as soon as possible. What a player he is. I hope you feel better soon

Viviennemary · 29/09/2020 14:01

Don't swallow this tall tale. The woman with the dog is his girlfriend I'd say. Or at least he would like her to be.

CausingChaos2 · 29/09/2020 14:12

You have done so well to have insight into how wrong and demeaning his behaviour is, and to act on it by blocking him.

I promise when you meet the right person and they’re really into you, you’ll wonder what you ever saw in him.

Namechanged1122 · 29/09/2020 15:40

He's known dog woman for 15 years, but told me once they'd slept together previously. My heart smashed. I didn't ask when, or how many times as I felt it wasn't any of my business. Or, maybe I just didn't want to know. He assures me they're friends, he's also on dating apps.

Went on snap to see he'd messaged me on Sunday but didn't reply. Deleted, keeping him blocked. 👍

I feel so lonely at the moment, like I'll never find anyone I click with as much. I've chatted to a guy I met in my favourite band's livestream that they've been doing weekly since lockdown but I just don't fancy him or find him very interesting. Feels hopeless.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 29/09/2020 15:49

You won't find anyone else interesting or fanciable while you are still so hooked up on this bloke.

You need to forget him. Wipe him out of your mind. Don't make everyone else try to 'measure up' to him on some level.

Imagine him on the toilet doing a really difficult poo. That might help.

Namechanged1122 · 29/09/2020 15:52

Difficult poo..! 😆😆 that made me laugh out loud.

I need to realise that it's not about me, sexting was quite intense at the beginning so he must have liked me to a certain degree (I know TMI) but just fancying someone doesn't automatically mean it will lead to a relationship. Need to work on my self esteem, really do.

OP posts:
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