Confused, help me make sense of why he doesn't want to see me.

[Namechanged1122]

Have name changed for this. I'm quite embarrassed to be writing this down.
I met a guy at work in March just before we locked down. We couldn't see each other then outside work, obviously.. we have fancied each other from the beginning and we stayed in touch throughout lockdown (as well as seeing each other at work) I'll admit the chat outside of work got very flirty and - I wouldn't normally do this - but images were shared (not identifiable images).

I haven't actually seen him outside of work. This sounds ridiculous.... he's very paranoid about covid, sometimes when I look over I'll see him sanitising his hands several times. Sometimes we see each other at a cafe we both go to prior to work and we'll walk in together but that's it. We talk most of the day either on work Skype or on what's app in the evening. While we're not 'official' He has told me that he isn't dating anyone and has no plans to until there is a vaccine.... his mums birthday was a few weeks ago and he told me he couldn't visit as it didn't feel safe.

The other thing is, he has a 'friend' who he has known around 15 years, yes she's female. She has a dog and they walk it together on a Sunday and a weeknight. They live in the same apartment block and she also shares an allotment space with him. He's assured me time and time again that she's only a friend.

About 2 months ago I'd decided I was sick of him seemingly making excuses not to see me outside work so I stopped communication (at least outside work on what's app, we still spoke on work Skype)
He has got back in touch and is being more sweet with me than before, like he's changed in a way.. he's told me he's applied for jobs which means he'll be leaving soon. I said well we'll never see each other again after that. He didn't seem happy but reiterated that he can't promise me anything until a vaccine is introduced.

I don't know if he understands how hurt I am. I asked him to swap his support bubble to involve me instead of the woman he is friends with in the apartment and he said this would involve him not seeing her dog and he didn't want to do that

He continues to talk to me, and I'm trying to hold back. I don't know what he wants from me. I don't truly believe he's single but I really want to believe what he's telling me

I'm so blindsided because I like him so much.

So, I'm trying to work out - is he genuinely worried about covid or is he just not that into me ? 😖

Please someone talk sense into me, but please don't be harsh.. I feel particularly vulnerable at the moment.

I've just blocked on everything. Feel like I've done the right thing but it's so hard

Well done, OP! A normal guy wouldn’t do this to anyone. This is not about him behaving this way because you aren’t good enough or beautiful enough so please stop running yourself down and get that out of your mind.

When people say ‘he’s not that into you’ what they mean is that for whatever reason he’s not going to give you what you deserve so you should raise your bar and not settle for some half ‘relationship’ whether that’s because he’s already with someone else or he’s just a pathetic player.

I’ve experienced limerence myself. At the time I was convinced that he and I were meant to be but one day I realised that actually he’s not even capable of a normal relationship. To this day, he’s still single. Now I can’t even remember what I saw in him 🤷🏻‍♀️ and you honestly will look back one day and wonder why on Earth you even gave this guy the time of day.

I bet you any money that him and his friend have either had sex with each other or want to have sex with each other.

He sounds a real wet nelly.

There’s nothing wrong with you . This is not about you . It’s about him . Don’t be wondering why he is not into you , there’s plenty of other guys out there that will be I’m sure .The moment he told you he didn’t want to not see this woman because he would miss her dog , that’s the moment you should have known this was never going to go anywhere .
He sounds like a proper wet lettuce tbh , like he wouldn’t know fun if it sat on his face
You feel sad and depressed about what’s happened that’s why you feel ‘old’, you are definitely not old .
Do some things you enjoy , it’s hard to meet new people at the moment I totally get that . These are shitty times right now , but it wont be like this forever .spend time with people , friends family etc ,who make you happy .
Leave mr hand sanitizer to It .

last night before I blocked him I asked him if one last time if we could see each other - he said he didn't want to get involved with anyone during the pandemic. At that point I got upset and stupidly asked why he didn't like me, and why he doesn't care about me, especially since we've been communicating so much for the last 6 months.. He replied that he likes me, it's just pandemic blah blah.. and that he wants me to be happy.

I wished him the best and blocked.
I'm going to block on the work Skype as well.. I don't need to talk to him about anything work related. I can do this.

I need to stop ruminating on what's potentially wrong with me, as others have said. I'm pretty, I keep myself active. So I don't get it. He told me himself he thinks I'm smart and pretty. He's 47 maybe he should know better than to mess someone around so much.

OP, I was 36 when I met my now partner, who is a lovely man. You have loads of time to meet someone worthy of you. You deserve something great.

Christ. Start valuing your dignity a bit more. People here saying there's nothing 'wrong' with you, I'm sure are right but there is something 'wrong' in what you're doing which will not help you get and sustain men's interest. That is chasing and acting needy. I would never ever ask a man why he didn't like me. It's totally irrelevant. Like yourself, otherwise nobody else will and you will find yourself time and time again in this situation.

@Namechanged1122

I spend all my time crying, I just want him to feel the same as I do

I’m so sorry love, but this isn’t ever going to happen

And no, you’re not a complete idiot, not at all.

Please take this as a sign that you’re ready for a relationship, but it’s not with him. The sooner you break contact with him and end it. The sooner you can meet the right someone

I don’t understand why you have invested so much in him when you’ve not even had sex, from what you say? You don’t know him at all, he could be absolutely shit in bed. He sounds pathetic as well stressing about covid all the time. Not attractive.

I think that you have clung onto an idea that he’s going to be your match, when in reality there are men much more compatible for you out there. Perhaps lock down has affected you emotionally. Is this a possibility?

Has it occurred to you that he could be living with this woman? If someone was more keen to see a dog than me, I’d be like ok bye then.

I'm pretty, I keep myself active. So I don't get it.

OP, sorry this doesn't make sense and isn't a helpful way of thinking about it! Would you say that at any time you would be happy to be in a relationship with any random man in the whole world as long as he fulfilled those two requirements: being good-looking and being active?

That's not how it works. However pretty and active you are, that doesn't guarantee compatibility or that the timing is right, or that there isn't stuff going on with him that you're not aware of.

He's been sulking all morning.. I saw him in the canteen and we ignored each other. I feel bad and I hope I'm doing the right thing. I know he's upset, he can't talk to me on Skype.

I just wanted more, so I need to protect myself from getting hurt further.

He's sulking because you've taken back control. He's no longer able to string you along.

OP, you've done the right thing blocking him, especially if you don't need to be in contact with work. Now don't undo the good by worrying about what HE thinks and feeling guilty. You are not Mother Teresa or Bob the Builder, and were not put on this earth to look after and 'fix' men. Especially not when they're 47! Look after yourself and your own mental health, and only let people into your life who have your best interests at heart. Do not ever chase after someone who doesn't want you - it certainly won't convince them otherwise and will only make you feel more wretched.

He is not interested in a relationship with you. He was happy to be friends and chat, that's it. You are not able to stay just friends with him, you're far too invested, so just gracefully accept that nothing else can come of this. And find a way to move on, with your dignity intact. He can sulk, and be upset all he wants. He still ISN'T going to be your bf, ever.

Please do not think that at 36 this is your best option. You are not old. If you don't think you deserve better than the scraps you get from this man, then you will have a long life ahead of you of users and abusers who prey on your vulnerability. This is a tough time and I understand that with loneliness it can be easy to cling on to someone who might like you. But now you know he doesn't, put him in the bin and focus on meeting better men who will be dead keen to meet you. They do exist, and if you waste time on losers like this one, you'll never meet them.

Well done on kicking his pathetic arse to the curb. No regrets now!. You've got this!

This thread has helped me put things into perspective. I've not had anyone to talk to (or at least, I've been too embarrassed to talk about it) and it's helped me understand the situation.

I hope it's possible to meet new people if we are going into another lockdown (I'm lonely). But dating should probably wait.

Every time he speaks to another female colleague I can't help but feel jealous. I'll never get involved with a work colleague ever again.. I've been made a complete fool of. (Sorry I'm moaning and rambling).

OP, you've not made a fool of yourself! You are someone who can still develop feelings, seek out companionship and feel sadness - you're a healthy human being. Be glad that you can still feel things in weird numbing time. Lockdown clearly brought out some anxiety/worry but you're not alone - a lot of single people in the same boat. What's important is recognising this bad behaviour early on and not beating yourself up over it.

He clearly needs female colleagues to prop him up/validate him - really sad tbh. And people will have clocked it. Don't feel jealous that he's talking to other women, feel pity for him and relief that he isn't your problem anymore. No other person should determine your self worth.

So what’s happened here is you chatted, shared some images, had some flirting and banter but he repeatedly refused to see you. During that time you also quizzed him about why and threatened to tell his “friend” (she may be a girlfriend, may be not) about your interactions. That seems quite an extreme threat considering you were never in a relationship.

Plenty of people flirt and even have sex without it turning into a relationship. That’s fine if both parties are happy with that, but obviously you weren’t. Could it be that he thought you were coming on a bit too strong? It does seem like you were basing all your self esteem on whether he likes you or not which isn’t healthy. You need to be happy with yourself regardless of whether someone fancies you. It’s totally fine not to fancy people, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.

That said, he should have been upfront about not wanting anything serious with you when it became apparent you were that into him. The COVID thing is a weak excuse, and he should’ve told you straight. But I don’t think he ever saw this as a deep and meaningful thing, to him it was just a bit of flirty entertainment. It sounds like you need to work on your own self esteem so it isn’t based entirely on what other people think of you.

Well, he came over to my desk this afternoon and spoke to me. We do get on so it's difficult not to respond. He told me he was going to send me something on what's app later. No idea what his game is. I've kept him blocked

I do need more willpower though.

He’s fucking with your mind, keep him blocked and just carry on carrying on.

This is shit, but you’ll get there

His game is to hook you back in.

Even if by some chance he decided to talk to you, or even start to see you, you would be paranoid about the other girl the whole time.

He hasn't chased after you, he has very clearly and repeatedly said he doesn't want to start something, so hold tight to that, when you start to waver.
You can do this, soon he will just be a past triffling

Sorry OP, but why on earth would you share photos of your most intimate self with this man, regardless of whether you're identifiable . I simply don't understand people who do this, especially considering unauthorised distribution of sexual images is so common and you can never ever 'un-share' them. The man with the images retains complete control of them forever.

How you treat yourself and your body unfortunately signals to the other person how they in turn should treat you and many men will simply take advantage. You need to avoid the bad men so you're able to then meet the good ones. This man sounds dodgy but you need to take responsibility as an adult for protecting yourself and looking after your own dignity and interests. If you didn't involve yourself with him in this way this situation never would have happened.

Please learn from this or it will simply keep happening with other men. Read books/videos online on increasing self esteem/self worth and seeking out therapy can also help - contact your GP

Your reaction/feelings around this seems quite extreme for a non relationship.

When you said you were 36 I was surprised.

He sounds a bit odd, but tbh from your posts, I think you need to explore a few things within yourself, perhaps with some counselling.

I probably sound a bit pathetic. At the beginning he told me as soon as lockdown was over we would go on a date.

I've just fallen for someone's lies and feel a bit silly