September 2020 Well we took you to Stately Homes thread

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It's now September 2020, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
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December 2013
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November 2018-May 2019
May-August 2019
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November-December 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Pearsapiece if you talk to them , do they talk down to you , talk over you, make out you are crazy, dismiss your feelings , interupt you and guilt trip you no matter what you say to them? If they do then talking to them is not going to help imho . I feel like l am in this massive battle with myself because l cannot be nasty to them because of the guilt and because l am not like them. Do you feel the same l wonder. Bless you my dear l really don't now what the answer is but l do know exactly how you feel it really hurts

@LondonTowers @Daquoise
I completely agree about therapy and finding someone who ‘gets’ narcissism. It’s a very insidious disorder and the narcissist’s abuse makes you doubt your own words/sanity.

I had my first therapy session today. It’s been lined up to be about coping with bipolar but I talked for an (angry) hour about my toxic narcissistic mother in law who has made this year HELL. I think I’ll read about bipolar and get support and strategies to deal with the vile c**t in my life. So, I had therapy - my other half went round to sort something out for her whilst I was on my Zoom - and he came back with the latest tale of hideous behaviour. He was trying to sort something out and she ended up standing over him and screaming. He came home upset.

I rang her and demanded she apologise - stupid, I know as I should just leave her but the therapy brought tons of it up. She couldn’t, of course, accept any responsibility and how dare I speak to her like that at her age. I told her she was childish, not acting her age and my mum does not behave like this, no older person I know does. “Oh, so you talk to your mum about me” (paranoia) I went for a walk, she called DP and raged. He backed me 100%.
So, what names did Monkey call you?
Loads.
Really?
A child.
Well, you’re acting like a child.
I knew you’d take her side.
She is Monkey not ‘her’. Monkey is my partner and the love of my life and has done tons for you over the years.

I’m so glad he has my back and I have his. I’m not rising to the “I suppose I’m not allowed to come to your house.” I will simply not invite her. DP can go to her flat. We’ve agreed that he will do all appointments with her. I’ve always tried to do my ‘share’ but therapist pointed out that she’s not my mother and I am not obliged, should not feel guilt and to leave her to it.

Utterly exhausted and have retreated to bed. The witch is trying to drive a wedge between me and DP as she has always played her children off against each other and would love to see me (with my fancy ways and taking no bullshit) suffer. Thank god, we are rock solid. She’s jealous. The sooner she dies, frankly, the better. I really, really don’t like her. I never have. Lockdown, her illness and dependency has brought it home how much I detest her. Hard to admit that as not brought up to be unkind.

Therapist sent me loads of resources. Pretty hardcore reading and it’s hard to admit that you have someone like that in your life. It is coercion. Jesus.

On a more positive note 39 days without a glass of wine and not junking my sobriety to drown out her bullshit to my detriment. Onwards!

You gals are all amazing and your stories are hard but we are SURVIVORS however much the pain is right now.

Hi everyone.

I’ve not posted for a long time but have been keeping up with these threads. There is so much that shocks me, resonates with me and saddens me. Terrible what we all put up with as “normal” family life. Such an alien concept that there are people out there with loving, warm, non-toxic families let alone families AND in-laws, that must be the ultimate jackpot in life.

I posted before about my covert narc DM. Well,since my last post I have been having regular therapy sessions with a professional that “gets it” which has been a massive help, even just as proof that I am not the issue. One of her recommendations was that I write my DM an email and just tell her how I feel, why I feel like that and ultimately what I want to happen with our relationship. She said I didn’t need to send it. So I wrote it and laid it all out there, rewrote it and took some of the rage out and by this point I was so fed up and angry with the whole relationship that I sent it!
I know I know it's not recommended that you do that but with my particular brand of crazy DM I felt like if I just went NC or grey rocked to NC that she would literally have NO idea why and hound and hound me to get in touch not least turn up to my house regularly unannounced. I thought that if she was given cold hard undeniable facts as to why her daughter was mad at her that she might just accept defeat and leave me to it. The examples I gave were things she'd done that she couldn't talk her way out of or deny. I told her all I didn’t want to see her anymore as she was damaging my self esteem and mental health. I gave her several examples of why and how. I told her she could reply to the email if she wanted as was giving her the chance to explain herself but I told her I wouldn’t be answering calls or answering the door to her if she turned up unannounced.

Didn’t get a response for a few days but when I did she just asked if despite my "restrictions” could I send her some pictures/video of my DD (her only grandchild). That was it. I ignored. She uses pictures/videos of my DD to parade to her friends and play the doting GM when in reality she doesn’t really care. So she didn't care about fixing the relationship with me as long as she could keep up the pretence of happy families to other people. Shocking.

Cue a follow up email with a nicer tone a few days later saying “hope your MH is better and that you’re in a better place than you were when you sent that email” along with some line about always loving me even before I was born and I could ask “anyone who was around” as proof. I'm not sure how she thinks some random relative's opinion of her love for me is more reliable than my own but there you go. She signed it off saying she wasn’t expecting a reply.

I haven’t replied. That was the end of July. Since then my DD has been hospitalised with a very scary and sudden illness (thankfully on the mend now) and I have found I am pregnant with DC2, and am currently 15 weeks. Neither of these things have made me miss or want to contact my DM even though they are both classic textbook “I want my mum” type scenarios.

I have been speaking to my therapist, husband and friends about it. I have loads of journal entries about this and lists of things she has done that I read regularly and they fill me with rage. I have been reading loads of books on the topic as well as this (holy grail of a) thread and I know 100% I have done the right thing. One thing that saddened/enraged me was when I was reading back some old journal entries from 2017 to compare the morning sickness with both my pregnancies I was shocked as to how much I had written about my DM and how miserable she has been making me for my entire life.

Why why why why why do I feel SO guilty?!?

I find myself picturing this poor, lonely, frail grandmother sitting alone at night in her big cold house and feel awful. Even though she is not frail and is only poor and lonely because she plays the martyr and refuses to move on from being the victim when my dad left 20 years ago (he’d had enough of her toxicity but happened to have met someone else by the time he logistically left so she has turned it into a cheat/other woman scenario to play the victim). Her house is big and cold because she is a miser who won’t turn the heating on or downsize to a smaller house (again to spite my DF).

Anyway. My question to you NC veterans is, does it get easier? Does the guilt go away eventually? I feel like I’m still spending just as much time and energy thinking about this damned woman as I did when we were in contact! Granted I am much more at peace and prefer the feeling of guilt to anger but still, I just want to move on and focus on all the good stuff I have going on.

Thanks for reading my essay!!

@Mrsmadevans you're right. They do interrupt and talk over me if I raise anything, and it's always their way of taking the high road. The don't listen to what I'm saying, they just talk over me and say "no, let's put this to bed because we are getting upset". So you're right, I don't think talking to them will help. Maybe I just need to lay it out and leave it. And repeat the same thing each time

@rockyIV I'm afraid I have absolutely no idea if it gets better/easier, but I feel exactly the same way you do.
I'm slightly behind you in the journey but everything you have said resonates with me so much. I also feel like if I blindside myg parents with reducing contact then I will have no closure as they will just bombard me. I also know that if I did what you have and sent a written down version of events and feelings, all I would get in response is "but what about seeing our grandson". NO, he is primarily my son, and my daughter is on the way. I need to protect my children from these toxic relationships.

I have absolutely no advice for you but I understand you. They have programmed us to feel guilty and responsible for their happiness and feelings, despite how they treat us.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but know you arnt alone

Hi @rockyIV, I can categorically state that it does get better. It's horrid to begin with because like you, I beat the crap out of myself, blaming myself and feeling guilty but with the support of a few friends and a therapist I gradually got past those feelings. Now I couldn't give a monkeys about my DM and having read about other people's experiences being landed with elderly care for nasty abusive parents I am exceedingly grateful to have got out when I did. Can I suggest that you try to stay away from fantasies about your 'poor' DM feezing to death in that house of hers. It's not doing you any good and these sorts get through life by exploiting others. There's always some sucker taken in with their woe is me stories.

It WILL get better for you. It's a process and you need to heal. You did the right thing for you and your precious children.

P.s.I sent an email to my flying monkey aunt about my mother, thirteen years ago now. Basically outed her promiscuous, neglectful behaviour. My DM had a field day with it, using it to all and sundry to discredit me and my MH. Guess what, DB and SIL are now quoting it as their epiphany in their own NC with her. So I have been finally validated but ultimately I don't care. It was and is the truth and I don't care what anyone else thinks. I am free, yippee!

@MonkeyfromManchester, congratulations and well done on your sobriety by the way.

@Pearsapiece, instead of trying to preempt or manage your parents reaction, have a think about what you really want. If you could act without worrying about theirs and your siblings reactions, what would you like to do?

Take a break from them? For how long? Forever? If any of these suit you, how is the best, cleanest way to enforce these boundaries?

You can pretty much guarantee that your parents will not understand or accept responsibility for how they upset you so you need to take that wishful thinking out of the equation. Do you want that argument with them? What will it achieve for you?

There is no easy solution for you unfortunately. You sound like you have reached your line in the sand moment. Perhaps it's time to make the decision about your future relationship with your parents.

@Dacquoise thank you - I’m really pleased that I didn’t crumble. I would be 40 days today but I drank a LOT on the 1 October after enduring a hideous day with her. But the main thing to concentrate on is I didn’t drink and I didn’t buy her utter bullshit.

@rockyIV I’m on the journey to it getting better and I believe it can (although I wobble!). The manipulation does get to you and you do end up imagining the worst because they’ve played us so convincingly. I’m sure care homes are stuffed to the gills with vile parents still guilt tripping their kids and, of course, being as nice as pie to the staff.

The witch mother in law phoned DP later in the day on “a different matter” (lol) and she didn’t get the result she wanted e.g. partner profuse in apologies and news of my bags packed for me. She started the manipulation again but it didn’t work. She then phoned up FIVE minutes later with some tale of woe about disabled brother in law which is supposed to elicit our guilt and our sense of admiration for her endless selflessness. This is the man that she’s abused for years and has had no life because of her.

This is the thing I’m increasingly realising: everyone is an accessory to it and everyone is an actor in her film.

Taking ourselves out of the performance is so hard for all of us and we deserve an Oscar for fleeing off set.

'This is the thing I’m increasingly realising: everyone is an accessory to it and everyone is an actor in her film' bang on the nail ! Cannot stop now but will be back ltr we can do this xx

@Mrsmadevans, accesories aren't always limited to wider family unfortunately. I realised that I had collected quite a few 'friends' who were from the same mould as my DM. Also an ex-husband that had the same characteristics and actively joined in the scapegoating of me. It's all you know when you are brought up in families like this. It seems normal. When you break away, you will be amazed that normal people don't behave like this!

@Mrsmadevans this is like a revelation to me. The toxic one isn’t the narcissist I always thought narcissists are e.g. the big I am but the world does revolve around her or should conform to her world view i.e. misery and anger.

@Dacquoise this is exactly what my partner had. The total revelation that not all families are like his He was gutted when he couldn’t swop the bubble over to my mum as my family is normal crazy (we have our ups and downs like any) but get on, are happy, want the best.

Toxic families do a great Stockholm Syndrome on children. Having your view ratified by others is so important but often hard as other family members are in the syndrome. It’s very hard to be the pioneer.

@MonkeyfromManchester, I cannot imagine having to put up with the crap you do from someone that isn't even related to you. That would test even the strongest relationship. Kudos to you both that you're a united front against her.

@Dacquoise
Thank you!
If she was my family member I would have cut her off years ago.

DP moved away from MCr before we met to escape (he came back), his disabled HALF brother (not her son) is in her clutches and the vile (also abusive) other son disappeared abandoning his wife and kids, I make a connection there.

She moans about not seeing her grandchildren in Scotland but NEVER rings them. She’s the perpetual victim. DP just says “ring them”. She doesn’t. I think my lovely SIL is supposed to drop everything even though the crone finds her “exhausting”. I find her bloody amazing to survive physical, emotional and sexual abuse from the crone’s utter cunt of a son. Crone’s view is “I didn’t bring him up that way. I can’t see why he turned out that way”. PMSL. From a mother who was abusing and had her kids in A&E. ffs.

She’s completely isolated herself from everyone - poor me - and only has the disabled son to Bitch to. I once heard character assassinate me on the phone to him IN MY OWN HOME (she was ill and staying here for FIVE long weeks). In that day’s row I told her she was lucky that I didn’t throw her out!

I am so, so glad that you got out and your family also see your mother for what she is. I’ve been really strengthened and inspired by the info here. Thank you.

@Dacquoise I really have reached that moment of no going back I think.
I don't want an argument with them or a big family fall out. I just want to be able to live my life without judgement or quarell. My brother has very low contact with them himself but has never told them why, they just think he works a lot and they accept that. But they won't accept that as a reason from me, I've tried it!
I've come to the conclusion that the best way forward is to limit interaction with them, Only see them with dh as he supports me a lot in this and they really go for me on my own, repeat my mantra of "I won't be guilted into how I spend my time" when they try to guilt me when arranging things, I won't give in.
They will never listen or understand my point of view so there is absolutely no point trying to reason with them.
This is my time to set this path and I'm not giving in, for the sake of me, my mental health and my children seeing the effect it has on me. I'm determined this time

@Pearsapiece I applaud you. Well done. It’s a hard choice to make but YOUR decision and they can’t take that away from you.

Hi @Pearsapiece, you are very lucky to have a supportive partner.

Can I offer some advice to you to set this boundary of contact only with your DH there? Have a think about how you are going to convey this and stick to the script you prepare. Broken record technique. Ie "Sorry I am not available on Wednesdays. Will see you Saturday week with DH and the kids" Don't explain or complain. When they try to argue or guilt you, repeat " Sorry I am not available on Wednesdays. Will see you Saturday week etc etc.....

And only answer the phone/texts when you want to. You don't have to communicate with them, it's not compulsory although lots of us carry the guilt and compulsion to respond immediately. Good luck.

@MonkeyfromManchester, your MIL is an absolute monster. Is there any possibility to break away completely from this woman? Is trying to protect your DH's disabled brother the bind that's tying you to her? Is there any way he can be helped to get away from her?

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have definitely "found my people". 

@Pearsapiece I see so many similarities in our stories. When you said you were shocked that your parents didn't even think to ask how you were when you said it wasn't a great time really resonated with me. They really don't just care do they. Unless they're getting something out of it.

@Dacquoise thank you thank you...the feeling of freedom definitely trumps the guilt and it is getting easier each day.

@MonkeyfromManchester Can't believe you're putting up with what you're putting up with sober (and through choice!). Bloody good on you. My DM would repeatedly lament about not hearing from my DB but would pull a sulky face and pout if I asked if she'd actually tried to call him?

Another cracker of an example was when I moved away for uni and called her regularly out of duty, like at least once a week. She went through a few weeks when she never had any "news". Didn't think anything of it. I came to my home city for the weekend to see my BF and friends and so didn't see her all weekend but hadn't made any plans to. I popped in to say hi on my way to the station to find her in a cast having broken her leg weeks ago. She hadn't told me over the phone as she said "if I really cared about her I would have come to visit her anyway not just cos I felt I had to because she'd broken her leg". She'd told both my brothers by phone as they were both considerably further away and wouldn't be visiting anytime soon. Eye roll.

@Dacquoise so so true about the friends replicatingthe scapegoating. With the help of this thread and an amazing therapist I've come to see that the childhood scapegoat pattern just got more and more repeated. I guess now for me it's about the next step of doing the culling but I'm scared of being left with no one. How do you (or any of us) make normal healthy friendships? I reallydont know where to start.

@rockyIV that’s hilarious. The no news thing is supposed to make you go “oh, poor you” and guilt trip you for having a good time at uni. Do you think it’s a generational thing where daughters get more dumped on them with greater (horrible) expectations? The crone is Irish and I feel like I’m living in a depressing Irish novel sometimes.

I’ve had a good day. Did a ton of work (self-employed) felt chilled and in a good place and digested the therapy and felt buoyed by being told it’s not my fault and I’m dealing with a coercive narcissist. Nothing like having it in black and white.

DP has day off but it’s never a day off because of...he’s fast asleep on the sofa for two hours. His mobile rings. I know it’s her. I then switch my phone off. I’m not dealing with her and I’m not waking my exhausted partner up. She rings two hours later with a new tale of woe. Didn’t you hear the phone? Didn’t SHE hear the phone?

More work - a tiny job - on her flat next Thursday. She’s dropping hints to come round. “I suppose you don’t want me round” “I could stay ar my flat but I don’t like using the bathroom when the builders are there”. “All that noise”. It will take half an hour. Partner: “it’s your choice. What do you want?” “I don’t want to bother you when you’re working”. I’m pretty sure she thinks I just live off DP. She wants him to say no or Monkey doesn’t want you here. She’s terrified that she’s burnt her bridges with her disgusting behaviour. I hope there’s been some reflection but I sincerely doubt it. It was pretty funny, actually. It was GREAT hearing his phone and switching mine off. She has reaped what she’s sown.

l did a massive post earlier only to come here to see it didn't post oh well n'eer mind just more moaning about my histrionic narc mother and vile Narc sister. Dacquoise it seems they are everywhere but only we can see them or at least that is how it seems to me. I know a lot off ppl can just let anything they say go over the heads but l couldn't. it hurt me too much. The thing that is the worst for me is that l have been feeling sad today, l miss them and still love them but how can l when they treated me so badly , l am my own worst enemy.

Sorry to derail from PP's posts. I have been catching up with the thread and hope you are all doing ok. Just wanted to ask, have any of you found yourself triggered by something unexpected after thinking you were doing a lot better since going NC with a family member or working through past emotional abuse? I have a situation which feels quite tedious and silly to explain so please bear with me...

Almost 5 years ago an acquaintance I made through some volunteer work put me in touch with a male friend of hers who was indirectly involved with the work and she thought we'd get on and would be good contacts for each other. We got chatting online and struck up an online friendship over the course of a few months. Looking back and understanding more about these things now, I think he kind of low-key lovebombed me - asking me quite personal stuff about things going on in my life, my family, seeming to empathise with anxiety issues, telling me what had helped him etc etc, complimenting me and calling me fascinating, talented etc etc. I thought at the time this was a sign of him being interested in getting to know me as a person and perhaps become a friend (now I hopefully have better boundaries and would not share such personal stuff with someone I'd just met online). We chatted on and off for a few months then he invited me to come to his city to spend the day with him. He lived 2-3 hrs from me but I was used to travelling these distances to meet my friends who live all over so it was no biggie to me. And as our mutual friend had told me he was a great guy and one of her best friends I figured it was ok to go and meet him. Wasn't really sure if it was a date or not but once I got there, it got quite date-like - going for a walk in the park, him bombarding me with constant questions about myself (but not waiting for an answer before moving on to the next topic), taking me out to dinner then to a local scenic 'date spot' before going back to his place. Obviously I was demonstrating extremely poor boundaries here but this was pre-therapy and before going NC with my mother and I wasn't in as good a place psychologically as I am now (and there is still a lot of room for improvement). The morning after I stayed at his, he took me round to his friend's house to have breakfast then gave me a lift to the station. I arrived home feeling worn out and thinking, 'well that was intense' and then realised I'd left my best earrings, a gift from my dad and some other items of jewellery there, which I'd taken off as didn't want them to get tangled with my hair while I slept. I messaged him to say I'd left the jewellery by accident and please could he post it back to me as it was of sentimental value, I'd pay for postage. He sent a photo of my stuff to show he'd found it and said he'd send it back. Shortly afterwards when in passing I referred to our day out as a date, he flipped out and said he wanted to cut all contact as it was all too intense. He then rewrote history and said all he'd wanted was a hookup and got angry when I told him he should have made that clear. He then blocked me on everything and I did not receive my jewellery back. I was upset about losing the earrings my dad gave me and asked our mutual friend if she could remind him to return them. She then told me that he was well known for behaving in a very strange way with women and she would ask him to return my stuff. He eventually unblocked me and 2 years, yes, 2 years later sent me a photo of my jewellery at his place asking if it was mine as he had tried to give it back to another woman he thought it belonged to and she said it wasn't hers, then he noticed a hair that looked like mine on it and remembered whose it was. I was so pleased he'd found it and asked again if he'd post it back, he said sure, remind him in a week if I didn't receive it. Then still didn't return it despite a few reminders. Didn't hear from him for ages until a couple of months back when he messaged to ask my professional advice. Afterwards I asked by the way, I'd really appreciate if he could send my jewellery back as the earrings from my dad were important to me, they were an irreplaceable piece handmade by an artist friend, I'd been upset to lose them and thought he was going to return them. I sent him my new address and again said I'd pay the postage. He tried to deny all knowledge. I sent him a copy of the photos of them he'd sent me then didn't hear anything back. Talking over with friends, they said he was legally obliged to return my stuff and I shouldn't take any BS from him. The other day, my friend asked if I'd received my jewellery back yet which prompted me to ask him for it once more. He then pulled a classic gaslighting 'if you ever mentioned it then I can't understand why I would not have sent it back'. When I called him out on this and said he was legally obliged to return it, he got very defensive, told me to fuck off and immediately blocked me.

Apologies for the long screed but the reason I'm posting about it here is to illustrate how terrible my boundaries were as a result of being a parentified people-pleaser child, how sensitive to any kind of rejection from men I have been in the past as I never learned growing up how to have healthy relationships, and how when confronted with someone behaving in a really disordered way, I still lapse right back into JADE mode and somehow end up in some ridiculous drama. Even though I knew this guy being batshit about sending my belongings back was not my fault, I felt so triggered by him telling me to fuck off that I was doing the whole running through imaginary conversations of what I should have said to resolve the situation, ruminating, getting anxious flipping tummy feelings....and I had thought I was doing so much better since going NC with my mum and working on understanding myself better and trying to relate to others in healthier ways.

I'd like to get more cognitive analytic therapy but can't afford at the moment. How do I JADE-proof myself and get better at boundary setting? Has anyone else struggled with lapsing back into past unhealthy emotional responses?

Weirdly I managed a guilt-tripping rant from my brother, fuelled by my mother, a couple of weeks back really well. Perhaps that exhausted my capacity?

Don’t beat yourself up for reverberating from being emotionally punched in the head by a nutter. It’s normal to feel the punch - the punch was real - the progress and boundaries you have made / grown are the not reacting / responding / behaving / going back / taking responsibility.

You’ve done well to stand firm. It’s allowed and v normal to have feelings from being treated badly by difficult / unhinged / abusive people. Look at your feelings as v healthy - listen to them they are your alarm system.......to encourage you to consider what ACTION to take - step back, be cautious, be assertive, calm and/or disengage.

Yes we have to build back up our emotional resilience - fuel in the tank - to keep on an even keel after challenging times. It’s draining and exhausting. Make sure you schedule in some self care to restore as you will be vulnerable.

But also maybe you were triggered by this guy was because he walked all over you and violated your boundaries over a long time. BUT you are a different / stronger person now and would probably make different choices now. So maybe it’s a throw back feeling to how you used to be?