September 2020 Well we took you to Stately Homes thread

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It's now September 2020, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
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November-December 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Hilarious, the Crone is on the phone to Mr Monkey.
She’s heard the news about Xmas.
“So, I suppose you’ll be going to Monkey’s mum’s for Xmas”
“We don’t know the rules yet.” (Basically, yes, if we can)
“I suppose you’ll be going to Monkey’s mum’s”
Several times. Mr Monkey dodged the guilt.
“I suppose you’ll be going over there.”
“Well, Monkey hasn’t seen her mum for nearly a year so we’d like to but we don’t know”.
“I suppose you’ll go over there”
Ad nauseum.
Proud of Mr M working to a new regime. Proud of me for not engaging with her at all now.
I think we’re supposed to do something. Could it be 1) no, let’s stay here with you because it will be ace to have a miserable meal and make it another shit day 2) could you invite me to Monkey’s family (to which we’re supposed to beg for this to happen as we do every year, Mr Monkey will not be doing that this year he promises and it’s her (grown up, for once) decision or 3) can I be a total narcissist, make it all about me and be a martyr. All 3. Bingo.
“Can Monkey take me to the hairdressers as I’d like to get my hair done before Xmas?”
No please or thank you.
“Yes, monkey can if they are open.”
She was fucked off about how that chat went e.g. not Narcissism R Us because then she started nagging Mr M about something he said he’d do last year for her but can’t because of ‘Rona. And then the washing machine. Then the cards. Then her shopping. Then the situation in the Middle East (joke)
@LondonTowers I’m really sorry you’re not feeling great today. I’ve had the same things with friends. I have a lot of superficial ones (i like them but it’s not deep) and I struggle with intimacy a bit. I also think I’m very alert to ‘hurt’ - my family wasn’t dysfunctional, I think I’m an empathetic soul. Got bullied at school.
You’re being bullied by your family. I wonder whether your therapy (I can’t remember whether you are having that) will help you unpick that. I think the disengaging from family makes you feel really wobbly. I had a complete fucking melt-down yesterday over The Hag and Xmas. Those difficult feelings are really hard when you are working things out. I’m so glad this forum is here for us all. And it’s never daft to have those feelings - it’s a consequence of having to deal with other people’s. It casts a long shadow.

@LondonTowers and @MonkeyfromManchester I get what you're saying about friends, I have found that as soon as I start to get close to someone I disengage. I don't know why, perhaps because I don't trust people very much. I've turned into a very self-sufficient person and although a certain amount of self-sufficiency is good it also means that I'm a loner when I don't really want to be one.

When I was a teenager, and in my early twenties until I left home, my mother was often very rude about my friends and would rant at me about them. I don't know why because looking back they were good people, girls like me who were quiet and studious. My mother has a thing that people don't actually like others (me) for who they are but because they want something from them (me). In mother's world people don't do anything out of friendship or altruism, instead we have to be suspicious of people because they are looking to see how they can exploit and take advantage of us. It's a very sad way of looking at the world and although I don't really believe it, I wonder if this attitude has become ingrained so deep inside me so that I can't let anyone develop anything further than a superficial relationship with me.

Pearsapiece

Your mother unleashed the DARVO technique on you. Its a favourite of the narcissist.

DARVO is an acronym standing for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, and is a form of gaslighting that all abusers use. It is fairly self-explanatory, and shows the steps the abuser takes whenever they are called on their behaviour.

The first step of DARVO is to Deny. "I didn't do it." They can use classic gaslighting tricks such as, "You're imagining it," or "You always take everything up wrong," or a simple flat denial. The details may vary, but the denial is a key element of it.

The second step of DARVO is to Attack. This attack can be related to your original complaint, or something completely different to distract you (in this case your mother's message about baby clothes being sent to her house).

And the third step of DARVO is to Reverse Victim and Offender.

In this step they make you the offender, and themselves the victim.
They may say something like, "nothing pleases you, and you're so unreasonable, and you're giving out to me even when I was trying to help." Yada, yada yada.

Tears can feature here too, as they sob how mean you are to them and they were just helping.

As ever with this narcissistic dynamic, the details can vary, but the pattern is the same. And you are left reeling, completely confused about the reality of it all: both the facts of the case in the case of the Denial, and the rightness of your position in the case of Reverse Victim and Offender.

The narcissist can often call in other people too, to agree with them, and as narcissists are good at drawing webs of people around them, through triangulation, and often have people scared of offending them, this can work well too, leaving you even more isolated and confused.

The fact is that a narcissist will never ever calmly consider that they might have been wrong, and discuss it rationally. Instead they will go straight on the attack and defend themselves with all they have got. DARVO is one of their tools of choice.

Do continue to disengage from your mother. Absolutely NO GOOD will come from being in contact with her, its really not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. The only people that tend to bother at all with them are the ones who have received the special training i.e the now adult children of same. Let go too of any and all residual hope that she will change or somehow become a more reasonable person; it will not happen.

@Pearsapiece
I’m really sorry that you have this with friends - mine is definitely due to bullying at school. But your mum bullied you. I think they want to hurt you via your friends, project their own shit onto you, isolate you and make you paranoid. This is EXACTLY what the Crone (M-IL) did to my DP. HOW HORRIBLE. She refuses to contact people and then expects people to phone her.

The announcement re Xmas yesterday was classic. After BJ’s announcement, we told her about our possible plan eg house sit my mum’s, my mum can have us around, see my brother and boyfriend. You could hear the anger (passive, of course), she’s hugely jealous of my mum (nice friends, good social life, nice house, £ - which she’s worked very bloody hard for). OF COURSE, we’re going to choose that option. The Crone had mapped out in her head her controlling Xmas (to which she brings nothing, not even some wine, apart from misery and toxicity) We gave her the option to come for a DAY (I think she thought she was coming for FIVE days - god, the HORROR - I could hear her calculating it on the phone)
“you can come over for a meal and Monkey’s mum can pick you up and drop you back”
Then we’re into “oh, I’ll be such a burden”
DP didn’t beg her and just left it at that. I’m briefing my mum to give her this option once and then it’s her choice.
I feel really positive.
She then sulked and refused to come to Sunday lunch - strictly limited to once a month how. DP has to go over to her flat to show her how to use her new washing machine and he will get the treatment this Sat I can predict it. I hope he uses our new assertive stuff and pushes back. She’s a fucking witch. What a year!!!!

Gosh the DARVO explanation above is litterally classic of my mum. I'm glad I've not yet caved I and I don't plan to. I'm bloody glad I'm where I am in this process now otherwise last nights announcement would have been horrific, she'd have been straight on the phone.
As it happens, all the stress of this and some work issues the last week put me in hospital yesterday. A kidney infection and possibly the start of pre-eclampsia. I'm only 30 weeks too. Bring sat in the hospital on my own I actually thought I'm so glad I'm not in contact fully with them otherwise I would have endless phone calls re the pregnancy and I would feel I had to tell them I was unwell. Its very refreshing to not have to!

Yes yes to the DARVO thank you so much for that, I need to read and reflect on that further.

I think for the first time I'm aware enough to see the cycle with DM, and see it re starting. I was attacked, criticised (posts about 2 weeks ago), then DM started making overtures half criticising half sounding like she was looking out for me, then finally just offering something - cardboard for our pets, as though nothing was the matter. In the meantime DSis has unfriended and blocked me on Facebook, so I'm pretty sure I've been bad mouthed all over town and probably mis represented.

I'm starting to feel really 'done' with this. With the past and present, with the drama, I want my life instead of being so affected by family, I don't want another go on the wheel. I think I need a proper therapist and need to find a good one and a way to afford one. I'm starting to think, what would it look like to really move on from here instead this time.

Scary, in a way to think I'd be on my own, clearly without family. But this is the alternative and maybe standing alone could work out better for me and DD over time.

Hello everyone, is it okay if I join please? I’m not feeling up to giving my full story yet but for the meantime, a synopsis is: dad was an aggressive narcissistic bully and my mum was an enabler and used the DARVO technique if I ever complained about his harsh treatment. There are other terrible things but I’m too scared to give those and potentially out myself. I’ve had to have 2 years of therapy including EMDR and my therapist told me that I’d told her some of the most shocking things she’d heard in her 25 year career. COVID has been a very good excuse for putting boundaries in place this year.

Anyway, I wanted to post and say hello, thanks for sharing your stories.

@MumwithAspieTraits Your post resonated with me. I hope you’ve managed to tell your mum that she’s not spending Christmas with you? Please don’t allow her to use you as her punchbag. The best approach for setting boundaries is probably to tell her it’s not happening this year for x y z reason. Perhaps you’re simply not up to hosting any kind of meal or you’re worried about covid. However, at the very least, you /your DH or child could plausibly develop covid symptoms and need to isolate. Give yourself another year’s space and it should help you to continue to set boundaries next year. I love the idea of going on holiday each Christmas!

As though nothing was the matter
This technique of behaving extremely badly and then acting like you've done nothing wrong is very prevalent in these types...I presume they mostly do it instinctively but it's very effective!
Trained from birth to trust and never question usually means that when they behave like this you automatically feel confused (possibly are also triggered into a bit of a 'freeze' response?) but give them the benefit of the doubt, make excuses, try and rationalize their behaviour. as discussed by previous posters when you are a child you need to believe that your parents completely have your back.
Having done that you become 'defacto complicit' you have been tricked into implicitly agreeing that it's fine to treat you like that, because of 'FOG' it's very hard to step back see their behaviour clearly and calmly call them out on it.
Hello and welcome Strawberry and Tiny
Covid has been very good excuse
Ain't that the truth!
I say, never look a gift horse in the mouth, use this crisis to its full advantage!

Free3 yes that's really accurate.
I feel like having come to these realisations and really seen how destructive it is I'm grieving the loss of family, which is hard because I'm working today. It's almost like they died. I think it's my DSis rejecting me on Facebook that's done it, even though she's rejected me for years and it's not like it will make any difference, so I can't explain why it hurts now. The truth is I never had them, I never had a mother, or father, or a family in the sense some people do. I was fooling myself, and it just would have been better if I had really grasped this 20-30 years ago. Better late than never, but now I have this strong clear sense of how alone I am and always have been. It would be easy to feel despair, but I don't want that, or any more negative impact on my life than it's already had.

@TinyTroubleMaker a big, big hug. Sounds like your sister was doing the last ditch attempt to hurt you. And don’t beat yourself up about not grasping it 20 years ago. It’s hard to confront it and exit. It’s also been the default setting all your life, maybe?

My own family are cool - well, just normal mad. My problem is my evil see you next Tuesday of a mother in law. The 6pm phone call approaches - I don’t deal with it now, leaving it to DP. Normally, well, two months ago, I’d be drinking for a huge glass of red, self-soothing, whilst listening on speaker phone to her toxicity but 62 days SOBER and I’ve not been defeated by her. I know this is easier than flesh and blood.

To everyone dealing with THEIR bullshit (your toxic tormentator), it’s them, not you.

Hilariously, the Crone has decided she wants to come to my mum’s for five days over Xmas. NO WAY.

“So, I’m not coming”
“No. Monkey’s mum can pick you up for an Xmas lunch one day and drop you off back home.”
“So, you’re leaving me for five days”
“Yes, Monkey needs to spend time with her family.”
SILENCE.
“Oh, I won’t bother coming for Christmas lunch then.”
SILENCE.
“Ok, that’s your choice.”
SILENCE.
“Oh, I won’t bother coming for Sunday lunch. I normally stay for a long time at Christmas.”
“No, you have come for one night in the past at the most and you don’t like it”
SILENCE
“I won’t come then.”
“Ok, that’s your choice”
SILENCE.

I knew this was coming, it upset me a lot yesterday because she’s so manipulative, vile, and goes out of her way to hurt people (she’s so angry with me) and now I’ve cheered up. Fuck her, frankly.

How can anyone be that bitter?

Christmas is so hard for we people dealing with dysfunctionality. Must be worse this year.

Sorry, I’m using this forum as a diary, it’s keeping me sane.

Thank you for listening.

Well done @MonkeyfromManchester and mr monkey for sticking to your proverbial guns!

Can someone educate me on what is darvo?! :)

Don't worry I googled Darvo ....got it!

"Christmas is so hard for we people dealing with dysfunctionality. Must be worse this year."

THIS omg yes. Its like the family stuff gets notched up a gear.... without fail.

Thanks for responses from previous message so far I've avoided contact this week and they havent bloody let themselves in (weirdly lockdown seems to have helped with them barging into the house even though i dont think they are very covid safe in other ways i think they realise im being cautious as one of my kids was poorly a few months back 🤷‍♀️). Work has been ridiculously busy this week so thrown myself into it to keep family off my mind.... This thread helps alot though.

@LondonTowers I watched my nieces in the Netherlands on a livestream in their play last night (They were the best things in it, clearly!!!) and it made me reflect that my way of family life is normal and I’m hanging on to that. Mr Monkey is seeing The Crone today and I’m off for a walk with my mum. He’ll get the whole Xmas thing thrown at him. I know he will stand firm. But I can tell how he’s dreading it. It makes me sad/angry - sangry?

@mumbadger I wonder just how many of us are using ‘Rona as a tool in dealing with the Toxic Ones. The Crone (toxic mil) used to insist on getting to a medical appointment something like an hour early. Now it’s five minutes in and out so I don’t have to listen to an hour of complaining about the queue (!) That must be a huge relief to many of us and the medical staff the length of the country. I won’t be alone in the medical appointment to become SHOW TIME.

DARVO is an acronym standing for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, and is a form of gaslighting that all abusers use. It is fairly self-explanatory, and shows the steps the abuser takes whenever they are called on their behaviour.

The first step of DARVO is to Deny. "I didn't do it." They can use classic gaslighting tricks such as, "You're imagining it," or "You always take everything up wrong," or a simple flat denial. The details may vary, but the denial is a key element of it.

The second step of DARVO is to Attack. This attack can be related to your original complaint, or something completely different to distract you (in this case your mother's message about baby clothes being sent to her house).

And the third step of DARVO is to Reverse Victim and Offender.

In this step they make you the offender, and themselves the victim.
They may say something like, "nothing pleases you, and you're so unreasonable, and you're giving out to me even when I was trying to help." Yada, yada yada.

Tears can feature here too, as they sob how mean you are to them and they were just helping.

As ever with this narcissistic dynamic, the details can vary, but the pattern is the same. And you are left reeling, completely confused about the reality of it all: both the facts of the case in the case of the Denial, and the rightness of your position in the case of Reverse Victim and Offender.

used to insist on getting to a medical appointment something like an hour early
Monkey, I would say that, the medical appointment situation is her 'finest hour'...her chance to shine, she is on stage and she wants to maximize her time in the spotlight.
I recently realised that my 'problematic parent' has been laying the groundwork to maximise the use that they can gain from medical problems for years.
Whenever we spoke on the phone they would recite to me the medical histories of other relatives, I would listen to be polite, then there was a transition into talking about their medical issues giving me all the details so as to try and manoeuvre me into feeling as if I had to be a personal assistant.
I have never shared my personal problems or medical problems with this parent...it wasn't a reciprocal arrangement!
I realise now that they have always been calculated and strategic and this was a long-term deliberate plan, they knew that I would not willingly take on any kind of care and so I had to be maneuvered into it.
They had taken some care to lay all the groundwork and put other people in place who would hold me to account, but covid put a big fat spanner in the works🔧
I'm using covid to its full advantage😁

I'm moving house in a few weeks and have decided not to give my new address to any of my birth-family members. I have felt really conflicted about doing this, and then of course I remembered that this is just another cloud of FOG.

The thought of it filled me with dread - that I would be waiting for trouble to turn up at my doorstep - which it surely would if they knew where I was.

I don't want to see any of them ever again, and I'm okay with that.

@TinyTroubleMaker - I too have a massively toxic sister who is a master of DARVO. She has thrown me under the bus so many times that I lost count, and I know for a fact she would do it to me again in a heartbeat. The last time she did it was the final straw. I'm done with all of them, and I'm never going back.

Have decided not to give my new address
I think that's an excellent move Sicario!
A great way to make a fresh start
lock them out of your life
start a new chapter📖

@Sicario brilliant! It’s about you and your life. Hurrah. Happy New Home.

@Free3mee3 god! The medical appointments. It is THEIR moment for the Oscar winning performance. Good on you for dodging the care bullet. We don’t have a duty to toxic people. I’m really learning that now.

The Crone is obsessed with her health, we never hear about anything else. She’s obsessed with other people’s - you’re right, it’s a way of keeping the subject going and turning it back to them. They are NEVER interested in good news.

I can well believe your problematic one has done that - they are so calculating. The Crone has been doing the run up to Xmas Drama since September with all the bullshit about getting a takeaway here to “save monkey from cooking”. Inviting herself! And it’s ramping up now as we’ve taken back control and want to do what we want to do.

They are strategic masterminds. If they could bear to do anything for anyone else, that isn’t plastic to demonstrate their inherent saintliness, they should be in charge of rolling out the vaccine.

Hilariously, we’ve had the phone calls from our radically different parents that demonstrate everything this morning. My mum due at midday (For SD Walk) has phoned to say she’ll be here at 1pm (optimistic about time and life).

Partner Is due at Hag’s at 11am and was phoned at 10.30am to see if he was on his way (controlling) We live 10 minutes walk away. Mr Monkey is playing with fire by still being sat on the sofa watching a history documentary.

Was phoned at 10:30 a.m. to see if he was on his way
She's right up in his face 24/7 isn't she☹️
It's very difficult when they are 10 minutes walk away, I have seen other mothers who stuck to their sons like glue, ending up living very close, the son's didn't realise until it was too late.
She sounds like a tyrant who has controlled and dominated him all of his life
Sending a prayer for his imminent release from this prison🙏

I have always had very strong instincts to never live close to my parents.

@LondonTowers I think sangry is very apt!

My latest observation is that my mother (who I have a difficult relationship with) seems to be focusing her energies on my sister and her girlfriend. I'm intrigued as to whether this is a reaction to my boundary installation and intrigued as to whether I'm being replaced?! Over months and months of trying to set boundaries and laying down lines and then taking boundaries down and scribbling out the lines only to make way for new boundaries and new lines (you get what I mean!) it looks like the message may have been received?! I don't feel I should interrogate my sister, bit can't help being curious!

I guess only time will tell

Can I please have some advice. I was/am parentified and my parents tell me all of my sibling's business as they often want my help and advice. They told me something my sister has been going through. I have also been through something similar so gave some advice, but told them that they shouldn't be telling me all of this unless my sister had said it was okay as it was her private business and should be her decision whether to tell me.

My parents then brought it up when my sister and I were together and asked me to explain something which means my sister now knows that I know and I'm really embarrassed and feel awful.

It's not fair to my poor sister. Just because my parents think I am their equal does not mean my sister does too.

Should I speak to my sister and apologise that they told me?

@justaworriedsister you could see if she mentions it and go from there? Or you could bring it up with her and say the truth which is you have asked your parents to not divulge your private business with you. I don't think you can really apologise for someone else's lack of discretion though? I could be wrong but it might be better to just not talk about your sister if they prompt you to, but on the over hand you obviously are only trying to help. Sorry I can't be more helpful!