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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend is upset we haven't had sex in 3 days. How do I respond?

177 replies

1455adviceneeded · 21/09/2020 16:24

I'm in desperate need of some advice and don't really know where else to turn to. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, lived together for 2 and a half. When we started living with each other he regularly got quite frustrated that we didn't have sex as much as we used to. I work irregular shift patterns and often get home late and don't feel like having sex, but I would still say we have it 2-3 times a week. He would often go into these very angry and hostile moods yet claim he was fine, only to eventually reveal that he was angry because we haven't had sex in a few days. This would often result in me getting angry and upset, feeling useless and like there is something wrong with me.
Admittedly, these past few days I have just simply not been in the mood. Covid cases rising and not being able to see my family has made me feel very depressed, and sex has just generally not been at the forefront of my mind. Last night, after I came home from a 10 hour shift, my boyfriend sent me a sexually suggestive message from another room and I didn't see it as I was asleep.
Today we are both in the house and I have noticed something was wrong, he seemed very hostile and snappy with me. I asked him multiple times if he was okay but he denied anything being wrong. I eventually got out of him that his 'pent up sexual frustration from me rejecting him for 3 days' along with stress from work was causing him to be angry.
As I mentioned, we have had these argument so many times before and I just don't know how to respond anymore. I feel like I'm being manipulated to an extent, and I don't know if his reaction to no sex for 3 days is reasonable. It makes me want to have sex even less as I feel like I've been forced into it to make him happy.
Has anyone else had a similar experience to this? I will say I love him very much and every other part of our relationship is completely fine.

OP posts:
Skyla2005 · 21/09/2020 18:30

Tell him to have a wank and leave you alone. All his gonna do is put you off it even more it’s terrible.

DeadButDelicious · 21/09/2020 18:31

...and that also he doesn't know if 20 years down the line I might start wanting sex less and less while his sex drive is the same and he might want to cheat on me.

What a charmer he is!

OP I wouldn't be surprised if he already is cheating or has cheated and is now trying to prep you into believing that it's YOUR fault should he get found out.

The guys a twat. Get rid.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 21/09/2020 18:36

He’s disgusting and I would not waste another minute of my life with this man. It’s too precious.

Kabakofte · 21/09/2020 18:37

Imagine having a daughter who one day turns up and tells you what you have told us. You would be horrified as we all are, the speed and volume of response to this post tells you all you need to know. None of his behaviour is remotely justifiable. Get rid, end of.

VodselForDinner · 21/09/2020 18:39

You’re basically a hole to him.

I have a higher sex drive than my husband and would like sex more frequently, but I don’t get to sulk when he doesn’t provide penis on demand.

Saggyoldsofa · 21/09/2020 18:50

Buy him a sex doll and pack it on top of his clothes.

BlueThistles · 21/09/2020 18:55

Oh christ OP, you cannot live like this?! please, leave 🌺

malloryknox23 · 21/09/2020 18:57

Urgh this is awful op. At best he is infantile and at worst he is abusive. Dp and I are the other way round and I would like sex more often. I have occasionally felt frustrated and grumpy about it but I would never pressure him! What a turn off. And I couldn't get excited by someone having sex with me because they felt obliged to. Most people want to be wanted.

I'm sorry but he isn't considering your wants or needs at all. He is prioritising his penis above all else. Horrid.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2020 19:02

There is only one response to make:

"This relationship is over"

Sassandfaff1 · 21/09/2020 19:04

Tell him it will be you cheating in 5 years time, with the first guy who treats you better than a blow up doll.

pandafunfactory · 21/09/2020 19:04

He needs help with his sex addiction as it is wrecking his life.

You just need to leave. Nothing for you to fix here.

Sassandfaff1 · 21/09/2020 19:09

Trigger warning

I've read a lot of these types of threads over a number of years.

It always escalates. Posters tell the same story. It starts off with the sex pest routine behaviour of anger/manipulation at not getting enough sex, which then leads to the touching and inserting fingers while the wife is asleep, and then usually to full out rape.

The only way it doesn't move up stages is to leave.

Please leave.

SoulofanAggron · 21/09/2020 19:12

I only need to read the title of your post to say that I would block him on everything. That is sexual coercion and very unpleasant. My latest ex was like this and I blocked him- I now have a far more relaxing life.

Read the rest and yep- awful. Even if he really were made angry by horniness (which he isn't) he is choosing to demonstrate this 'anger' to you to make you feel you have to do something sexual when you don't want to. It's disgusting OP. Sad

Tell him to piss off, and if he complains, tell him you simply can't help your behaviour; it is due to your pent-up frustration at having a nasty shit for a boyfriend.

Ravenmum's suggestion is perfect.

Please make plans to separate from him ASAP. xxx

Shoxfordian · 21/09/2020 19:28

He's constantly trying to coerce and manipulate you into sex. Dump him

LUZON · 21/09/2020 19:48

He sounds like a nasty bully. It's pathetic that he says he can't control his emotions.

If you want to have kids one day have a think about whether you want someone like him to be their father. If he is a nasty bully to you then he could be a nasty bully to your future kids.

I really think you should leave him.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2020 19:50

Please don't medicalise this as an "addiction"

It is a behaviour he chooses to exhibit and there is certainly no treatment for it

Mayra1367 · 21/09/2020 19:54

Leave now , life won’t get any better .

LilyLongJohn · 21/09/2020 19:54

Having been in a sexually abusive relationship your op and subsequent posts are ringing to many bells. I couldn't live with someone like this

Nackajory · 21/09/2020 19:56

Definitely LTB. He's an entitled male who sees you as nothing more than a receptacle, there to satisfy his sexual desires. He needs to learn respect for women as human beings but sadly IME that's highly unlikely, particularly when he's in a relationship that facilitates his disrespect.

Colourmeclear · 21/09/2020 20:23

I had an ex who was similar. It got much worse and I still don't have the words to describe it. Please look after yourself and your own needs.

Treacletoots · 21/09/2020 20:56

It will escalate. For your own safety/sanity please do listen to all the wise words you've had here and take steps to remove this nasty abusive shit from your life. Please.

Isthisit22 · 21/09/2020 20:56

You say this is the only thing you fight about but if he wants it everyday and gets annoyed after 3 days without sex then you are fighting much much more than any couple I know.
This is a bad relationship- you'll be happier when you leave him.

XiCi · 21/09/2020 21:15

I've no idea how you can live like this. You must be very unhappy. Sounds absolutely fucking horrendous having to deal with that every week.

yetmorecrap · 21/09/2020 21:20

I was married pretty young to someone who essentially ‘kept clock’ and would say stuff like ‘it’s been 9 days’ - even though I had2 children under 6 and was working full time. In the end I felt like an on tap hooker and housekeeper and we split.

firesong · 21/09/2020 21:28

Been on both sides of this... With partners who would moan about no sex even though we had it 5 times a week, or daily! Also I have been with two partners who had a lower sex drive than I do. I admit I became upset about it. I didn't ever pester them for sex, just felt more and more rejected as a week turned into two and not only were we not having sex, but I realised when they didn't want sex they also couldn't be arsed to even act interested in me. So yes, I would get angry with them.

However, this sounds different - you are having sex frequently, and he is still upset? Is something else wrong? Is he quite insecure?

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