Boyfriend is upset we haven't had sex in 3 days. How do I respond?

[1455adviceneeded]

I'm in desperate need of some advice and don't really know where else to turn to. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, lived together for 2 and a half. When we started living with each other he regularly got quite frustrated that we didn't have sex as much as we used to. I work irregular shift patterns and often get home late and don't feel like having sex, but I would still say we have it 2-3 times a week. He would often go into these very angry and hostile moods yet claim he was fine, only to eventually reveal that he was angry because we haven't had sex in a few days. This would often result in me getting angry and upset, feeling useless and like there is something wrong with me.
Admittedly, these past few days I have just simply not been in the mood. Covid cases rising and not being able to see my family has made me feel very depressed, and sex has just generally not been at the forefront of my mind. Last night, after I came home from a 10 hour shift, my boyfriend sent me a sexually suggestive message from another room and I didn't see it as I was asleep.
Today we are both in the house and I have noticed something was wrong, he seemed very hostile and snappy with me. I asked him multiple times if he was okay but he denied anything being wrong. I eventually got out of him that his 'pent up sexual frustration from me rejecting him for 3 days' along with stress from work was causing him to be angry.
As I mentioned, we have had these argument so many times before and I just don't know how to respond anymore. I feel like I'm being manipulated to an extent, and I don't know if his reaction to no sex for 3 days is reasonable. It makes me want to have sex even less as I feel like I've been forced into it to make him happy.
Has anyone else had a similar experience to this? I will say I love him very much and every other part of our relationship is completely fine.

He is an arse and he can help it. You can do better.

Wake up and smell the coffee OP.

He is totally unreasonable and a nasty sulking manipulator to boot.

I very much doubt he will ever change.

I'd seriously get out of this relationship.

He can't help that he sees you as a slab of meat whose own sleep/feelings/mood don't matter as much as his knob jollies?

I don't know who I'm more angry with. Men like him or the women who stay in relationships with them.

"Can't help it" my arse. Of course he can.

If he respected you as a person, he'd understand that you might not always feel like it.

This behaviour signifies a complete lack of respect, he literally doesn't see you as a person. He sees you as something that exists to meet his wants/needs.

This is controlling AF, by the way. Likely to escalate to other areas of your relationship if you stay.

Of course he can bloody well help it - he just doesn't want to change because so far, his tactic has been effective.

If you want children, don't have them with this man for gods sake!

If you don't want children and are happy to be his sex toy until something better comes along, then crack on I guess?

@ColleagueFromMars

He can't help that he sees you as a slab of meat whose own sleep/feelings/mood don't matter as much as his knob jollies?

I don't know who I'm more angry with. Men like him or the women who stay in relationships with them.

No need for victim blaming!

Yes he can help it, he just isn't bothered to do so.

His want to use your body for his sexual gratification, comes before any sort of concern for you and your wants. He doesn't care how you're feeling, physically or mentally, why you might not want sex.

I had a boyfriend like that. I'm very, very glad, that I didn't continue in that relationship, and found another man who cared at least as much, if not more, about how I was feeling, what I was needing, as his own wants, feelings and needs.

I hope very much you do the same, OP.

He can help it - leave him and find someone that is kinder. My DH got through 6 months of no sex when I was pregnant as I found it painful - followed by another two post c section and was a devoted partner and great company the whole time. Your boyfriend isn’t entitled to sex on tap whether you feel like it or not - it’s supposed to be for both of you; he’s acting like a sulky child.

@1455adviceneeded adults can help themselves because adults are in control of their feelings or they should be. He sounds awful. I hurt my back very badly and myself and my boyfriend at the time (now DH) couldn’t have sex for 6 months. In that time he never even brought it up and instead brought me medication, ran me baths and cooked and cleaned.

What on earth would happen to you in that situation?

If you don't leave him now you will continue having to give in to his unreasonable sexual demands and mental abuse for the rest of your life and if you try to reduce the frequency of sex he will cheat on you and make out like his straying was your fault.

You aren't in the mood for sex because you are tired, you've been at work all day.

And he gets cross/annoyed/angry? You've hardly been dossing about with your feet up (and even if you had he'd still be being unreasonable). You say he loves you. But he has no respect for you, otherwise he would take into consideration that you've been at work! Does he bring you a hot drink, cook you a meal, take over the housework to make you feel less tired? Or just stomp about like a toddler being denied a treat?

The relationship clearly isn't working if these arguments are ongoing.

He shouldn't go on like that and stay in the relationship putting the responsibility on you to change and want sex more often....but equally you shouldn't stay and put the responsibility on him to change.

You can't control his actions and reactions, only your own...so when something is unacceptable to you in a relationship you should end it!

@QueenOfPain

He can help getting angry, he just doesn’t want to. Do you really want to have to deal with this attitude for the rest of your life? Things will only get more stressful with babies and things like that. How would he manage his anger if you had a baby and weren’t able to have sex for several weeks afterwards? Maybe even longer?

Does he reward you with his warmth and emotional intimacy again when you put out?

I have said this to him too, he said that's 'different' and that also he doesn't know if 20 years down the line I might start wanting sex less and less while his sex drive is the same and he might want to cheat on me.

I actually can't believe what's coming out of his mouth.

If he wants sex on demand 24/7 he could pay prostitutes. In your shoes I'd be worried he already does, health risk to yourself.

You're not his rubber doll to use when he wants and he is an abusive manipulator . Get out of that relationship ASAP

Keep talking to OP, it sounds like he’s doing a great job of digging the grave for this relationship, you’ll soon be able to make a clean exit with absolute clear headed certainty.

Just don’t get talked round.

*to him

Get the hell out op. You are worth so much more than this.

I'm really glad to hear you so horrified about what he's saying, he's certainly showing you his true colours, isn't he? He's your average, bog standard, run of the mill entitled, self absorbed, misognynistic sex pest. . .

What an absolute sleazy bastard honestly LTB someone that's supposed to love you is acting like this after only 3 days god knows how he would be if heaven forbid something happened and you were physically unable to have sex for a while this would make my skin crawl get out while you hopefully can your better than getting this shit attitude from a horny manchild

LTB, you've got a bad one there.

The more you tell us about him, the worse he gets.

Get out now before he has you worn down more. Or worse still - pregnant.

Just had it out with him again and he says he's mostly hurt that he's the only one who ever initiates sex, and that we spend a full friday and saturday together and didn't have sex once.

He keeps saying it 'isn't my fault i'm not in the mood' but isn't offering solutions to how to help himself, and that he 'didn't want to bring it up and cause an argument', but I could blatantly tell how miserable and snappy he was being. I was already upset before he told me why he was angry because I didn't know what I'd done wrong.

I asked him how many times a week he would have sex ideally and he said he could easily do it every day. I tried to explain why I sometimes might not in the mood and that it's not personal but he still sees it as purely down to me not being attracted to him, and that when we do have sex it's never me initiating.

I can't tell if I'm being seriously gaslighted and manipulated, or he needs therapy.

I can't tell if I'm being seriously gaslighted and manipulated, or he needs therapy

Either way it’s bad news. Do you think he’s a keeper ?

Have you tried being upset because he is trying to guilt you into sex you don't feel like rather than making the effort to get you in the mood by being nice and making you feel lovely the way normal Men do?

Actually forget upset, have you tried telling him he's welcome to fuck himself?

Get ready to leave this will get worse I’ve lived with an ex who sulked if I said no, in the end I’d say right there’s the ky get on with it. Not a nice way to live.