Boyfriend is upset we haven't had sex in 3 days. How do I respond?

[1455adviceneeded]

I'm in desperate need of some advice and don't really know where else to turn to. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, lived together for 2 and a half. When we started living with each other he regularly got quite frustrated that we didn't have sex as much as we used to. I work irregular shift patterns and often get home late and don't feel like having sex, but I would still say we have it 2-3 times a week. He would often go into these very angry and hostile moods yet claim he was fine, only to eventually reveal that he was angry because we haven't had sex in a few days. This would often result in me getting angry and upset, feeling useless and like there is something wrong with me.
Admittedly, these past few days I have just simply not been in the mood. Covid cases rising and not being able to see my family has made me feel very depressed, and sex has just generally not been at the forefront of my mind. Last night, after I came home from a 10 hour shift, my boyfriend sent me a sexually suggestive message from another room and I didn't see it as I was asleep.
Today we are both in the house and I have noticed something was wrong, he seemed very hostile and snappy with me. I asked him multiple times if he was okay but he denied anything being wrong. I eventually got out of him that his 'pent up sexual frustration from me rejecting him for 3 days' along with stress from work was causing him to be angry.
As I mentioned, we have had these argument so many times before and I just don't know how to respond anymore. I feel like I'm being manipulated to an extent, and I don't know if his reaction to no sex for 3 days is reasonable. It makes me want to have sex even less as I feel like I've been forced into it to make him happy.
Has anyone else had a similar experience to this? I will say I love him very much and every other part of our relationship is completely fine.

And is this really just about sex? He's now saying that you don't initiate enough... sex can also be about control. Is he using sex to control you?

Do you think he would go ahead and have sex with you knowing that you were not really into it?

Yuck. He’s a pest.
Tell him that his moods do NOTHING but piss you off.

If I was in your situation I would want him less if anything.
He needs to grow up.

This is coercive control. He’s basically saying that you need to give him sex when he wants or suffer the consequences (him being a prick, silent treatment etc). He probably doesn’t think this is abusive because he isn’t hitting you or being aggressive...but it is an aggression of a sort that speaks of his immature and entitled approach to a relationship.

This is not a partnership to have children in.

Do you want to be fucking every other day when you are pregnant? Do you want a man who feels entitled to your body when you’d rather take your time to heal after childbirth? Do you want a man who feels entitled to your body when you are all worn out or touched out by the children? Do you want your children to learn that sulking is an appropriate way to get what they want? Do you want your daughters to think of themselves as vessels for men’s pleasure?

Fuck that shit. He’s an arsehole, make no mistake.

LTB

Haven't read the rest of your posts, I don't need to.

LTB

He can fuck right off. My husband would prefer us to have sex every day, and he jokes about that holiday we went on when we spent two weeks having sex twice a day. But not in a million years would he make me feel bad about how infrequently we have sex ( about once a week). We communicate a lot about this and I am really open with him about my loss of libido. I have sex with him mainly because I want him to be happy, but absolutely never because he gets angry. You have a total wanker on your hands and that's all he'll be doing for a long time, hopefully

Get out. Really. Leave him. This is just the start of it.

Tell him to use his own hand if he's that desperate!

He’s telling you clearly and honestly who is is. I’d listen and take it on board. He’s not interested in your feelings. Just his, when it comes to sex.

Now you know he’s like that, he can also tell you in say three years time (when you’re waiting for a medical condition to heal or have chronic fatigue (or whatever) that he’s cheated on you last night because he was horny and you weren’t and you knew what his needs were so shouldnt be surprised he HAD to go elsewhere as it’s been two months...yada yada, and he will refer back to now and tell you that you knew what he was like and you shoulda left him then (now) if you couldn’t handle it...

I left one of those guys. I was just a blow up doll for him. If my feelings about not having sex went on for over a week, medical condition or not, he would start ‘reminding’ me of his needs. As if I had forgotten. I just wasn’t horny. Peri-menopause. And if I didn’t want to have penetrative sex other ‘fun’ stuff was suggested. Sod that. Not interested (And this was before what he was doing, ie pressurising me, became illegal) Dump and move on...

I'd be telling where to go!! You are not his accessory to hump when it suits oh him.
What a prick !! Get out

Get

Rid

Of

The

Twat.

Is this really someone you want to have as the father of your children?

Can you imagine struggling with a baby and a toddler whilst this horny moody tit is angry and won’t do anything until he gets shagged?
I would seriously rethink things with him as otherwise you’re going to be fending him off whilst you are knackered, breastfeeding or ill in future.

So he's saying if you don't give him enough sex , he'll probably cheat on you.
He says he can't help sulking , yes he can.
Sorry , this will wear you down.
Unless you can get this sorted , I'd leave.
You'll end up treating on eggshells , wondering if it's tonight he'll want sex and you don't.

Get out get out get out get out get out get out get out get out get out get out get out get out get out

This is not a normal relationship and he is coercing you into sex.

Oh my goodness, I really gasped at your posts.
Do you really fee sol little of yourself to stay with this person?
As pps have said, this is going to become more sinister. I feel goosebumps for you.

Been married 24 years and my DH has NEVER treated me like this.

Can you imagine what a complete asshole he would be if you had a baby?

I would bin him.

This man is apparently incapable of empathy and focused on his own sexual desires above anything else. Not something I would be wanting to center my life around.

Run, fast and far.

What would enable you to leave him?

Gross. I’d kick his arse to the curb so quick.

I had an ex like this when I was about 24... I used to 'put out' when I didn't want to. One time I was in tears. Its not going to get better. And it'll kill off any desire you do have.

I have said this to him too, he said that's 'different' and that also he doesn't know if 20 years down the line I might start wanting sex less and less while his sex drive is the same and he might want to cheat on me.

Can I clarify, did he say he doesn't know if he'd want to cheat on you if you wanted sex less?

If I understand that correctly, I'd just be done with this relationship.

go into these very angry and hostile moods yet claim he was fine, only to eventually reveal that he was angry because we haven't had sex in a few days

I can't think of anything guaranteed to put me off sex forever with anyone, than someone sulking in order to 'get more sex'.

Ugh. Just ugh.

Why do you stay with someone like that? How can you bear to have sex with someone who acts like that ?

It's really, and I mean really nothing wrong with you. Unless you actually a blow up doll or a wank sock to be used for not even his please, his relief. What must he think about you to care more about his orgasm that anything to do with intimacy with you

Did I say ugh ? Ugh.

I actually can't believe what's coming out of his mouth

What are your options @1455adviceneeded ? How soon can you get out? Do you have somewhere to go?

I can't tell if I'm being seriously gaslighted and manipulated, or he needs therapy.

Does it really matter? You you really want to be treated like a wank sock? Why are you even talking to him about it as if there is some negotiation required. Either he respects you or he doesn't.

He doesn't.

Tell him to fuck off. Immediately.

Your boyfriend has an appalling attitude to sex. You are not a receptacle. What does he want you to do, just give in to him even though you don't want it?

He's disgusting and needs to learn self control, to think of other things,; sex is only one part of a relationship and consideration for your partner is a big part of it.

Him getting grumpy about it is quite ridiculous. There are people who go without sex for very long periods of time for all sorts of reasons and are perfectly all right.