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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did your brother ever say anything inappropriate to you? *MNHQ adding content warning for abuse*

139 replies

Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 14:51

I was just feeling a bit sad about this today. I have a brother who is two years older than me.
He has said two inappropriate things to me that I can remember well.

When we were teenagers he said "I want to be in you".
I said 'what!', and he said he was joking.

When we were in my twenties, I was around his flat. He said how he wasn't dating anyone, and how he really wanted a girlfriend. I was thinking in a normal way, that we were talking about our respective dating lives, and how we were not seeing anyone. He said 'I really want a girlfriend", and I said 'yes, and I would like a boyfriend'!. He then said "So why don't we..." and paused. I said 'what' and he said no more. It made me so uncomfortable.

My aunty has also told me that one of her brothers tried it on with her, whenhe was drunk, and she was really upset about it. One of my friends also told me that one of her brothers has made her very uncomfortable several times.

Has this happened to anyone else? I am sad about it. I see my brother at my mother's house, but I don't go around his flat anymore.

I am so sad about it. I just have the feeling of "why can't men respect fucking boundaries, Are they that animalistic that they see every woman as something they can say anything to?"

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 21/09/2020 14:54

I’m so sorry this happened you, OP.

It is inappropriate, wrong and frankly, abusive.

Don’t let him be alone around any children you ever have.

I don’t think what he did is normal, or particularly common. Sounds like he was exposed to inappropriate behaviour/material himself very young, which has warped his behaviour.

Sexual attraction doesn’t usually happen between siblings who are brought up together, but some boys and men obviously do act inappropriately, as we know, quite often.

Maybe speaking to a therapist or other professional might help? I’d be keeping my distance from him.

Cauterize · 21/09/2020 15:00

I'm really sorry you had to hear that and yes completely fucking inappropriate.

I had a similar thing with a male cousin I was really close to and regarded as a brother. When we were in our late 20's he tried it on and told me how much he fancied me whilst his wife was asleep upstairs. Fucking unbelievable. I don't have anything to do with him anymore.

TweeBree · 21/09/2020 15:03

Not my brother, but I've had so many men I considered mentors and close friends do this that I'm no longer surprised.

NC4NW123 · 21/09/2020 15:11

Absolutely not. However I do know someone who this happened to also. It’s so wrong on so many levels

Besom · 21/09/2020 15:13

I've not had this experience and can't imagine my brother behaving like this but I do know someone it happened to. I suspect it is more common than we would like to imagine sadly.

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 15:14

I know. I just cried about it today. Why can't I have a brother who is not f*cking inappropriate. Why couldn't he respect my boundaries. It makes me feel like shit.

OP posts:
CokeyCola · 21/09/2020 15:17

Ewww.

Could he have been abused as a child and are your children, if you have any, safe with your relatives?

newnameforthis123 · 21/09/2020 15:18

@Sarahpaula

I know. I just cried about it today. Why can't I have a brother who is not f*cking inappropriate. Why couldn't he respect my boundaries. It makes me feel like shit.
I'm so sorry, that's such an awful burden to carry. I've had similar things happen and found counselling really helpful, especially EDMR. Is it something you'd consider? Thanks
giletrouge · 21/09/2020 15:19

I have no brothers but I do know of at least three women who have had this happen, in two cases the woman - as a child - was actually sexually abused by an older brother. It's immemsely distressing, of course. My suggestion would be to distance yourself from him.

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 15:21

@CokeyCola I don't think it is that uncommon to be honest. I think that many women are just afraid to talk about it.

My friend's brother was far, far worse to her, than my brother was to me. Her brother raped her.

Thanks for listening everyone , because it was really upsetting me today

OP posts:
Facefullofcake · 21/09/2020 15:22

@giletrouge

I have no brothers but I do know of at least three women who have had this happen, in two cases the woman - as a child - was actually sexually abused by an older brother. It's immemsely distressing, of course. My suggestion would be to distance yourself from him.
I was abused by my older brother/his friends in childhood, three of my friends at school experienced the same (brothers were all in same year at the same boys school).

I would absolutely distance yourself from him; it's really disconcerting and inappropriate.

giletrouge · 21/09/2020 15:23

Do you have much contact with him OP? Do you feel able to distance yourself more or even go NC?

Facefullofcake · 21/09/2020 15:24

Oops sorry @Sarahpaula I cross-posted. I'm sorry about what happened to your friend.
I don't blame you for being upset about what your brother is saying - it's grim.

Take care x

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 15:24

It is shocking - the amount of sibling abuse. What is going on, that young boys think it is okay to be sexual with their sisters.

I send a huge, huge hug to anyone that has been through similar. It is such a unique pain of:
As my brother you should have loved me and protected me, yet you made me feel scared.

I send love to anyone who has suffered

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 15:26

@giletrouge I see him about once a year, and yet I do feel sad about it, because he is my only sibling, and I am very alone in life when I don't see him.
But it is how it is. I think that so many men are abusive

OP posts:
Facefullofcake · 21/09/2020 15:29

In my family, it happened to my mum with her brothers too; also reports that they were abused by an aunt of theirs.
I only found this out after my experience was minimised/disbelieved by her.

I suppose no mother would want to even acknowledge suspecting this is happening, especially if she experienced it herself, (along with mine having been conditioned to see herself as a bad person for it happening to her). Still doesn't make it any easier though.

Totally agree about the pain of realising they broke every boundary of a positive/healthy relationship, I think its possible to mourn for what's been denied to you.

UnfinishedSymphon · 21/09/2020 15:33

Not brother but first cousin, we practically grew up together. We lost touch and I found him last year when I signed up to FB, had some lovely chats and one day he sent a dick pic out of the blue. I just laughed and replied that he'd sent it to the wrong person, he said he hadn't and he'd love to (his words) stick it in me.

I blocked him there and then. I was gutted as we had some lovely memories growing up

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 15:34

@Facefullofcake are you saying that your brother did something to you too? I send you a big hug, it is all very sad

OP posts:
Facefullofcake · 21/09/2020 15:38

Yep.
I was pretty disgusted when I found out we had three generations of abusers.

I'm NC with my family these days after I reported the abuse to the police as an adult..
as you can imagine, my family felt I was in the wrong for telling anyone what he'd done, let alone the fact they thought he either hadn't or if he had it didn't matter - they didn't want to lose him. No mention of not wanting to lose me - guess it's their loss,and I'm so much better off without the whole toxic mess.
The only other thing is that he's now a father - I hope that his wife breaks any cycle of abuse he could pass down to his sons.

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 15:43

I just don't understand what is going wrong in the world, that so many brothers are abusing their sisters.

No 1 in my mind, is that very violent porn is available to boys from a very young age. I am disgusted at governments that are not doing more to regulate, and to age censor porn.

OP posts:
Cassilis · 21/09/2020 15:50

My brother made an inappropriate comment about me being a ‘lay’.

I won’t go into specifics but it was disgusting. I was in my early 20s and laughed it off, I wish I hadn’t now. I would go ape shit now.

Also my uncle was very creepy, we saw him very rarely and he would try and flirt on the phone when he called the house phone Envy

Lots of half hidden instances of inappropriate sexual behaviour in the family, but taboo so not bright out in the open. It’s shit because it makes you question every man in the family.

unmarkedbythat · 21/09/2020 15:53

No. My brother has never said anything similar. However, incestual abuse was common enough on my mum's side of the family that there were certain uncles and cousins you never left a small child alone with and as soon as they were old enough to understand, you made sure children knew themselves never to be alone with those men.

There are many good reasons why I don't mourn the loss of my relationship with most of my mother's family.

Facefullofcake · 21/09/2020 15:54

I don't know what porn was available thirty years ago to 11yo boys... I know that the bloke from the ice cream van sold mainstream porn and cigs outside my brother's school, but it was 'mainstream' stuff.
Horrible stuff content warning:
I remember my brother turning it into a 'game' - ranging from something to do with James Bond, to making me pretend to be a girl he fancied, to recreating the (fake) incest plot scenes in 'a fish called Wanda', and playing 'star wars' as Luke/Leia with added [bleugh].

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 15:56

Thanks for talking to me about it everyone. I was really upset this morning.

In this generation, a lot of women have a shared painful bond, and it is sexual abuse. Some by their relatives, some by boyfriend, some by strangers.
Yet out of that pain, comes comfort and support, empathy and understanding with each other, that is the good side.

Anyone who has been through something like this, by a relative, friend, boyfriend, stranger, you are not alone. And I send you love

OP posts:
Facefullofcake · 21/09/2020 15:56

^ I can't watch any of those films any more, not even new Bond stuff.