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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did your brother ever say anything inappropriate to you? *MNHQ adding content warning for abuse*

139 replies

Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 14:51

I was just feeling a bit sad about this today. I have a brother who is two years older than me.
He has said two inappropriate things to me that I can remember well.

When we were teenagers he said "I want to be in you".
I said 'what!', and he said he was joking.

When we were in my twenties, I was around his flat. He said how he wasn't dating anyone, and how he really wanted a girlfriend. I was thinking in a normal way, that we were talking about our respective dating lives, and how we were not seeing anyone. He said 'I really want a girlfriend", and I said 'yes, and I would like a boyfriend'!. He then said "So why don't we..." and paused. I said 'what' and he said no more. It made me so uncomfortable.

My aunty has also told me that one of her brothers tried it on with her, whenhe was drunk, and she was really upset about it. One of my friends also told me that one of her brothers has made her very uncomfortable several times.

Has this happened to anyone else? I am sad about it. I see my brother at my mother's house, but I don't go around his flat anymore.

I am so sad about it. I just have the feeling of "why can't men respect fucking boundaries, Are they that animalistic that they see every woman as something they can say anything to?"

OP posts:
delilabell · 21/09/2020 20:28

My brother abused me. I was about 10 when it ended. I told my mom. My brother was kept off school, took for lunch and chatted too. I came home from school thinking he'd have to apologise, things would be out in place but nothing. Only thing was a bead curtain at my bedroom door incase he tried to look thriugh it again.
I still have issued now 30 years later.

HamishDent · 21/09/2020 20:32

I have a brother who is 5 years older. I have some memories of inappropriate touching and him forcing my hand to masturbate him, but they are hazy. They periodically come into my mind and I have often brushed them off as false memories, but the older I get the harder it is to shake them. I have never told anyone but I often wonder if my brother remembers or if it never really happened at all.

I do have very conflicting feelings towards him. I love him, but sometimes I have an almost visceral dislike towards him which takes me by surprise. I often wonder if it stems from these memories.

KitMarlowesCodpieceOfthigh · 21/09/2020 20:33

It isn't normal. My (older) brother and I get on very well and are very close and he has never been weird or inappropriate or anything else. I'm sorry, OP. Is there anyone you could talk to about this?

Anotherthink · 21/09/2020 20:38

No, I didn't have his with my two brothers. They would be as repulsed as I am. I've not heard of any friends with this experience either and would never believe it to be common. This thread is shocking.

I understand the problem of misogyny in raising boys but this is perverted. Aren't we instinctively disgusted by incest?

BubblyBarbara · 21/09/2020 20:44

That is disgusting. I would go NC with him. Knowing what men are like he’s probably thinking of you when he you know what Sad

radioband · 21/09/2020 20:44

Not me personally but I know it happened to a friend and her sister, it seriously messed them up for life. It went as far as sexually abuse by both their brothers.

I also supported a girl who led brother had plied her with drugs and abused her. I can’t remember how it was found out but he ended up in Prison but only because he breached the original order. She said to me she continued to talk to him as she didn’t want to lose her family, how sad is it that the family would choose the brother! She spent her teenage years in care.

Kolsch · 21/09/2020 20:44

None of my brother's have ever been inappropriate with me, and as far as I know, nor with my sister.
I feel desperately sad that it's happened to the posters here. I can't imagine how it must make you feel.
I hope you all find the strength to go forward 💐

itsallovernowbabyblue · 21/09/2020 20:50

@Anotherthink

No, I didn't have his with my two brothers. They would be as repulsed as I am. I've not heard of any friends with this experience either and would never believe it to be common. This thread is shocking.

I understand the problem of misogyny in raising boys but this is perverted. Aren't we instinctively disgusted by incest?

I don't have anything to do with porn but I believe from threads on FWR that incest porn is a popular category.
KilljoysDutch · 21/09/2020 21:09

My DH was molested by his sister, she also used to write stories about brother and sisters in relationships. I suspect she was molested by her father and I know her mother was molested by her own father who she then cared for and forced her daughter to care for. I was always uncomfortable around both FIL and GFIL because of the way they would leer and make jokes even about SIL. I Think incestual abuse is far more common than people think.

Shaniac · 21/09/2020 21:10

Good god no. Im so sorry op. No to answer your question none of my brothers have ever said anything inappropriate to me. You poor thing.

KilljoysDutch · 21/09/2020 21:11

I also walked in on my female cousin giving her (younger) brother oral sex she was 12? and he was 9. They're incredibly close now as adults and have nothing to do with their other brother.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 21/09/2020 21:15

I just don't understand what is going wrong in the world, that so many brothers are abusing their sisters

I was on a thread a while ago where someone was asking if it was ok for male/female siblings of certain ages to share a bedroom. There were a couple of us who said it was a bad idea because abuse is more common than people realize.

We were told by many posters we were sick in the head to think this. Their precious sons would never ever do it. Yet some do.

My first boyfriends mum was a nurse who at one point did training on a psychiatric ward. On day she said one of her patients went to secondary school with me. In my class for 5 years. Lovely but very quiet girl. She had tried to kill herself due to all the sexual abuse and rapes by her brother AND her father. Sick, sick fuckers.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 21/09/2020 21:15

@Facefullofcake

I wonder about the guilt too, *@crimsonlake* . I'm so sorry you've felt like you've had to keep it to yourself (if that's the case).

I was expected to go to my brother's wedding which fell on my 30th birthday, and got the absolute horrors at the prospect of having to spend the weekend with him, my mum, and her rapist brother under the guise of happy families. I am so glad I never have to be near any of them ever again.

Personally when I was younger I was really wary about who I talked to about it - mainly because of internalised stigma, incest felt more shameful than abuse by a non relative if you get what I mean, and I felt like it was my fault, or that I was making a fuss about nothing.

Given how common it seems to be, would it be worth putting a general ongoing mutual support thread somewhere on MN? I know there are a few for other subjects - I'd be more than happy to start one (possibly not so great at consistently contributing, but..)

I'd be up for a support thread.
Thisbastardcomputer · 21/09/2020 21:27

God I'm surprised how common it seems to be, I was eldest child with two brothers and a sister, nothing I have knowledge of in our family. Sending best wishes to victims ❤️

MrsBennetsnerves · 21/09/2020 21:37

When I was a teen my brother made jokes about incest. I know he also said the same to my mother to try and shock her. He also speculated whether I'd ever had an orgasm when I was about 13, in front of his girlfriend of the time. Later on when I was of age he suggested that I lose my virginity to one of his friends. I declined.

He caused lasting emotional damage to me, but oddly enough it wasn't about any of those comments but about the fact that he was a junkie when I was of school age and I thought he was going to die.

BabyLlamaZen · 21/09/2020 21:40

This is awful and so upsetting! It's bad enough kids saying inappropriate things they may have heard on TV or not quite understand, but this is next level.

LadyCatStark · 21/09/2020 21:43

No never. It is definitely not normal 🙁

nancytree3 · 21/09/2020 21:49

I have a brother and he has never said anything of the sort. I trust him completely.

I'm so sorry you've went through this OP, as others have said, never have him around your children if you have any.

It may have happened to others but it certainly isn't normal.

Are there any other men in your family like this? Is it learnt behaviour?

I think most people are shocked when they hear sexual abuse 90% of the time is within families rather than some random pervert in the street. Sadly we have to be carful with even those we have known all our lives.

TweeBree · 21/09/2020 21:56

As awful as it sounds, I think every mother with older sons and younger daughters need to be aware of this. As horrendous as the thought might seem, always make sure you are protecting your younger child (boy or girl). Raging hormones combined with the quantity and type of porn available online might encourage a valuable teenager to do terrible things that the man they end up would never do.

There is a well-known mommy instagrammer who is very open about her teenage sons sharing a bed. They've done it since they were babies. It's so cute!! Except it's not anymore, because they are both in the throes of puberty and likely doing what we all did at that age. It's irresponsible not to separate them, IMO.

Poptart4 · 21/09/2020 22:02

A friend of mine is a social worker who specializes in children who sexually abuse their siblings. She tells me it is extremely common.

This is nothing new btw. Incest and child abuse has been going on since the dawn of time. We here about it more now because of the internet etc. But its always been there.

SerenDippitty · 21/09/2020 22:51

My brother has never done or said anything g inappropriate to me. I am so sorry for anyone this has happened to.

harper30 · 21/09/2020 23:24

This thread has made me so sad, I'm so so sorry for everyone who has experienced these things. I can't believe how much it happens.
I have a brother but I'm the eldest, and I don't remember any weird or inappropriate moments at all. We live quite far apart now as adults but we're still close and say 'love you' at the end of phone calls etc. Just makes me so grateful that nothing like what's been brought up on this thread has ever affected us. Big hand hold to PPs dealing with all of this shit x

LUZON · 21/09/2020 23:57

I don’t think people should give any details in their posts that might provide a sick thrill to some weirdo. You can say abuse happened without detailing what it was. I don’t think this thread should be in AIBU

Heffalooomia · 22/09/2020 00:07

their precious sons would never ever
Oh yes they're all the fucking same aren't they
I too share this pain and my rage is boundless

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 22/09/2020 00:16

@luzon I post most of my posts in AIBU, as it is the place that has the most people.
If I post anything in relationships or chat, usually no one ever answers me.

This thread has been full of love and support.

OP posts:
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