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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did your brother ever say anything inappropriate to you? *MNHQ adding content warning for abuse*

139 replies

Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 14:51

I was just feeling a bit sad about this today. I have a brother who is two years older than me.
He has said two inappropriate things to me that I can remember well.

When we were teenagers he said "I want to be in you".
I said 'what!', and he said he was joking.

When we were in my twenties, I was around his flat. He said how he wasn't dating anyone, and how he really wanted a girlfriend. I was thinking in a normal way, that we were talking about our respective dating lives, and how we were not seeing anyone. He said 'I really want a girlfriend", and I said 'yes, and I would like a boyfriend'!. He then said "So why don't we..." and paused. I said 'what' and he said no more. It made me so uncomfortable.

My aunty has also told me that one of her brothers tried it on with her, whenhe was drunk, and she was really upset about it. One of my friends also told me that one of her brothers has made her very uncomfortable several times.

Has this happened to anyone else? I am sad about it. I see my brother at my mother's house, but I don't go around his flat anymore.

I am so sad about it. I just have the feeling of "why can't men respect fucking boundaries, Are they that animalistic that they see every woman as something they can say anything to?"

OP posts:
TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 21/09/2020 15:57

I was securely abused by my brother for years. Flowers to everyone else who went through this. I suspect its more common than we think :(

blubberball · 21/09/2020 15:58

So sorry this happened, and I hope you can find support maybe in counselling and therapy.

I've had an inappropriate sexual encounter with a cousin as a child, and I have heard friends say about their cousins making a move on them.

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 15:58

@Facefullofcake I just have to say that disgusting porn was definitely available to boys 30 years ago. I remember finding magazines in my brother's room when he was about 13. And that was nearly 30 years ago.

And they weren't just magazines like page 3 stuff showing boobs. They were absolutely disgusting. They were worse than any stuff I have seen on the internet. Really violent and awful. And it was being passed around 12 year old boys at school at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 16:00

@Facefullofcake I just read the rest of your post properly. I really do send you so much love and compassion. I know the fear and feeling uncomfortable. Don't let him win! x

OP posts:
Facefullofcake · 21/09/2020 16:01

@Sarahpaula - thanks for clarifying that. In that case I'd guess he probably could easily have got darker stuff from mates- I know he certainly did once he hit 15 or so.

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 16:01

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander I send love to you too. Lets not let our brothers win, and go on to have amazing lives. We can see with the amount of people that it has happened to , that many men are fucked up in this generation, and it is not our fault.

OP posts:
3beesinmybonnet · 21/09/2020 16:02

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I was sexually abused by my older brother as a child and yes it started with inappropriate comments and touching. I believe it is much commoner than people think. I went NC about 10 years ago and I haven't regretted it for a second, though that's obviously easier when you no longer have parents who want their adult kids to get on no matter what. I never had counselling but found just talking about it with my husband really helped - maybe you have an understanding friend you could open up to. If not I found the Havoca website and forum really helpful, but be careful of getting upset by other peoples stories. I certainly agree you shouldn't let him be alone around children.
If you don't feel you could go no contact maybe you could plan things so you're never alone with him.
Hope you feel better soon

AyDeeAitchDee · 21/09/2020 16:05

Happened in my extended family too. An older brother sexually abused younger sisters.

Whether the brother himself was abused I don't know.

My parents generation so all very swept under the rug.

I'm so sorry you have been through this OP. X

Legallyblondeee · 21/09/2020 16:08

I think it’s a lot more common that people want to think it is. I never let what happened to me effect me. As horrid as my childhood was i really don’t want to go into specific detail i won’t let it break me. I’m stronger than that. And for that I will be forever proud of myself.

vanillandhoney · 21/09/2020 16:12

I'm so sorry OP Flowers

Sadly, I expect a lot of children who abuse, have been abused themselves too. It's all very sad.

MomToTwoBabas · 21/09/2020 16:15

Omg wtf 😱 I have 3 brothers and a step brother and have never had this omg that's sick. Hope you are ok OP.

LadyH846 · 21/09/2020 16:15

I'm sorry to read this OP.

Similar things happened to me although no-one touched me.

When I was about 11-12 I walked into my older (by 3.5 yrs) brother's room to find the walls plastered in pornography posters. I'd not seen anything like that before and was shocked. My brother was lying on his bed and simulated a masturbating woman, and said to me, is this how you masturbate?

I didn't even know what he was referring to as I was so naive and hadn't even gone through puberty or had sex education, but I knew it wasn't right for him to talk like that to me.

He died in his 30s (was a drug addict). We didn't speak for 12 years before his death.

Another brother of mine (the youngest) asked to see my boobs when they were first developing. He got bollocked by my other brother who overheard. We no longer speak.

The conclusion I've come to since childhood and from dealing with men over many years is that plenty of them are disgusting perverts who should not be left alone with women and children.

MomToTwoBabas · 21/09/2020 16:17

There was a video going around my sons school actually about a boy in my sons class sexually assaulting his younger sister it was kept very hush hush the boys still at the school apparently SS are involved but all kids still at home. I see the video it made me feel physically sick rang the police straight away obviously.

Susannahmoody · 21/09/2020 16:17

Yeah, a couple of times. I was always Wtaf, fuck off.

As a pp said, too many male mentors /father figures said the same, I don't trust men a mile any more. They're all the same.

Hadalifeonce · 21/09/2020 16:23

My older brother did inappropriate things to me pre teens, I sort of knew it wasn't right but didn't really understand. He has learning difficulties, don't know it that's an excuse, but it has affected my physical relationships with boyfriends/DH.

IZZYROW · 21/09/2020 16:25

He sounds like a sexual predator Confused

Laiste · 21/09/2020 16:31

So depressing to read this, i did not realise it was so common. But somehow not surprised :(

Flowers for all who has experienced this.

There was a thread a few months ago by a mother who's daughter had confided in her that day that her brother had been inappropriate. Both under 10 iirc. Awful to read. Really felt for the mother. Lots of support for the mum and lots of sound advice. However - also so many replies advocating brushing it under the carpet more or less! Shocking.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 21/09/2020 16:33

[quote Sarahpaula]@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander I send love to you too. Lets not let our brothers win, and go on to have amazing lives. We can see with the amount of people that it has happened to , that many men are fucked up in this generation, and it is not our fault.[/quote]
So true. I haven't seen my brother in years. My life is far from brilliant but not because of him. I've made my peace with what happened and its in the past. I refuse to let the past control me!

TweeBree · 21/09/2020 16:42

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Aria2015 · 21/09/2020 16:43

This thread is both shocking and sad to read. I have two brothers and they've never done Or said anything remotely inappropriate. So sorry to all those who have had a different experience. Just awful.

oreshina · 21/09/2020 16:52

I remember being a bit freaked out as a teenager by a few things my older brother did. Examples are finding a stash of holiday photos of me in my bikini Under his bed. No other family pics there but a couple of my Very attractive, busty best friend in her bikini too.It really unnerved me.
Then he went to the army and he came back one time saying all the other guys had seen a picture of me above his bed and assumed I was his girlfriend yet he had never bothered to correct them. I just remember feeling so disgusted by it. I always had very clear boundaries but he clearly didn’t. We don’t see each other often he is very disloyal and always gives me the impression he is indifferent to me and my family.

passthemustard · 21/09/2020 17:11

My brother abused me too. I had a breakdown in my 20s and told my mum about it. She said it was normal.

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 17:23

My father also sexually touched me. Sigh, it is hard to be a woman. I am just thinking about four friends off the top of my head:

  1. her brother raped her. She really had the worst life of all. And she is totally messed up.
  2. her father touched her. She became a very bad alcoholic in her twenties to block out the pain, but she has now recovered.
  3. Her grandfather abused her.
  4. her stepfather abused her.

I will be proud of myself for getting to the end of this life despite all of the bad people around me.

I am proud of everyone else on here who has suffered, and who is keeping going. I send you love.

OP posts:
Cassilis · 21/09/2020 17:28

And mostly these men get away with it. Why can’t anything be done for girls to prevent this? Can they teach kids from nursery age about boundaries?

Facefullofcake · 21/09/2020 17:29

I will be proud of myself for getting to the end of this life despite all of the bad people around me.

That just made me burst into tears, not in a bad way - really powerful words

Love to all survivor sisters, and thank you for letting us/making space for us to talk about our experiences on your thread @Sarahpaula x