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Original poster

Did your brother ever say anything inappropriate to you? *MNHQ adding content warning for abuse*

139 replies

Sarahpaula · 21/09/2020 14:51

I was just feeling a bit sad about this today. I have a brother who is two years older than me.
He has said two inappropriate things to me that I can remember well.

When we were teenagers he said "I want to be in you".
I said 'what!', and he said he was joking.

When we were in my twenties, I was around his flat. He said how he wasn't dating anyone, and how he really wanted a girlfriend. I was thinking in a normal way, that we were talking about our respective dating lives, and how we were not seeing anyone. He said 'I really want a girlfriend", and I said 'yes, and I would like a boyfriend'!. He then said "So why don't we..." and paused. I said 'what' and he said no more. It made me so uncomfortable.

My aunty has also told me that one of her brothers tried it on with her, whenhe was drunk, and she was really upset about it. One of my friends also told me that one of her brothers has made her very uncomfortable several times.

Has this happened to anyone else? I am sad about it. I see my brother at my mother's house, but I don't go around his flat anymore.

I am so sad about it. I just have the feeling of "why can't men respect fucking boundaries, Are they that animalistic that they see every woman as something they can say anything to?"

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 21/09/2020 17:37

I can honestly say no, neither of my brothers have been inappropriate towards me.
I’m really surprised by how common it actually seems to be.
So sorry for anyone who has suffered this abuse.

crimsonlake · 21/09/2020 17:41

My older brother did this to me also and I have kept it to myself for 40 years. It does play on my mind often but I try not to dwell on it. As he moved abroad I rarely see him and I avoid him whenever we have met at family functions. I do wonder how he can live with the guilt or if he actually has any.

Scweltish · 21/09/2020 17:41

Jesus Christ! All these comments!! I can’t believe this is so common

Facefullofcake · 21/09/2020 17:50

I wonder about the guilt too, @crimsonlake
. I'm so sorry you've felt like you've had to keep it to yourself (if that's the case).

I was expected to go to my brother's wedding which fell on my 30th birthday, and got the absolute horrors at the prospect of having to spend the weekend with him, my mum, and her rapist brother under the guise of happy families. I am so glad I never have to be near any of them ever again.

Personally when I was younger I was really wary about who I talked to about it - mainly because of internalised stigma, incest felt more shameful than abuse by a non relative if you get what I mean, and I felt like it was my fault, or that I was making a fuss about nothing.

Given how common it seems to be, would it be worth putting a general ongoing mutual support thread somewhere on MN? I know there are a few for other subjects - I'd be more than happy to start one (possibly not so great at consistently contributing, but..)

Zandra123 · 21/09/2020 18:04

I was abused by my older brother, was back in the 70s it started when I was about 9 years old, I'm mid 50s now. It has taken me years to realise the damage done. Makes me so mad he's gone on and lived his life without a thought of the damage to me . My parents would have been so upset if they knew, they are dead now.

crimsonlake · 21/09/2020 18:22

It feels like a guilty shameful secret and even hard to admit on here.
My brother was 4 years older than me and I guess that would have made me about 8 years or 9 years old at the time.
I shared it with my older sister a few years ago, I felt guilty sharing the secret as she carries it now.
My elderly dm is still alive and god knows what it would do to her if she found out.
I have gone on to have a normal life with normal intimacies, although one could wonder would it have been different if I did not have this secret?

AdultierAdult · 21/09/2020 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Facefullofcake · 21/09/2020 19:44

@AdultierAdult
I really don't know. The obvious bits are modelling good behaviour, have non toxic male role models, and teach boundaries and feminism or something.

My family are outwardly respectable middle class types - teacher and a civil engineer (my brother went into teaching too, but isn't teaching any more). Behind closed doors, my mum had severe mental health and moderate physical health problems; my dad was a physically and mentally abusive violent alcoholic. My brother's school was mysoginstic as hell, and I believe he may have experienced abuse himself either at school, cubs, the local church choir or by friends/peers.
Avoid most of that and I reckon you've a chance..

What happened to me is the reason I chose to never have kids- I wouldn't cope with being the parent of an abuser, even if the risk of that happening is relatively minuscule.

The other thing with me is that I was in an incubator for several months when he was 2 and I was born. When I got brought home, he asked if I was plugged in - i wonder if he never quite dropped the idea that i wasn't a 'proper' person.

I think growing up without those issues, my brother might have been a very different boy.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 21/09/2020 19:48

@AdultierAdult I think society has changed a lot. My teens have certainly been taught more about consent etc at school than I was. And I've reiterated it at home. The "Cup of tea" analogy is good.

Other than that, I just hope and pray they don't turn out like their uncle.

DollyDoneMore · 21/09/2020 19:55

@Susannahmoody

Yeah, a couple of times. I was always Wtaf, fuck off.

As a pp said, too many male mentors /father figures said the same, I don't trust men a mile any more. They're all the same.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I believe your experience which sounds appalling. And from so many men too. No wonder you can’t trust men.

I have to say, though, that there are many wonderful men who would be shocked and appalled by what you have said and would never act in this disgusting way.

TweeBree · 21/09/2020 19:57

My early-thirties male friend went to one of the top boarding schools in the UK and he said molestation by the older boys was common place. He became hypersexualised as a result and slept with anything that moved. He's only now starting to date women properly.

FTMF30 · 21/09/2020 20:03

@AdultierAdult

I can’t even imagine what this is like. I have a son and would be absolutely horrified if he turned out to be an abuser. Is there anything we as parents can do to raise mentally stable males who don’t see women as objects?
I feel the same. I feel holloe reading this as my lived experience knows all too well that it is common. I have a DS who is the sweetest little boy and I would like another child but this makes me despair at what could be. What on earth makes people who have had a 'normal' upbringing do these things?
CokeEnStock · 21/09/2020 20:08

You might be better asking for this to be moved to Relationships. When I see such sensitive topics in AIBU it's usually someone after wank fodder.

CokeEnStock · 21/09/2020 20:09

I've reported so that MN can put it in the right place

SandysMam · 21/09/2020 20:11

So sorry to everyone who has been through this, you are amazingly brave and I hope you find peace from what these bastards did to you.

As awful as it sounds, I think every mother with older sons and younger daughters need to be aware of this. As horrendous as the thought might seem, always make sure you are protecting your younger child (boy or girl). Raging hormones combined with the quantity and type of porn available online might encourage a valuable teenager to do terrible things that the man they end up would never do. Sickening to think of but this thread more than proves it can happen.

itsallovernowbabyblue · 21/09/2020 20:12

My brother sexually abused me as well as physically assaulting me and thinking up new and more inventive ways to torture me.

My parents disowned me when I finally spoke up in my late 30.

Incidentally, my father was also fond of groping my bottom when I was a young child as well as talking to me about 'willies' and leaving around his copy of the joy of sex for us kids to flick through.

My dad wrote a short story and it was about a brother and sister having sexual relations in the childhood then there's a scene where they are grown up and shag each other after a couple of sherries.

Oh, my Dad also encouraged my mother into swinging with several sets of their friends. As far as I'm aware their latest sexual partners are the parents of my brother long term girlfriend.

My parents have been trying to get their hands on my primary school age daughters since I went complete nc with them several years ago. They seemed to think they might have a chance at this through the family courts Hmm

SandysMam · 21/09/2020 20:12

*vulnerable teenager not valuable

itsallovernowbabyblue · 21/09/2020 20:13

Oh and my Dad has one sibling, a sister three years younger than him just like the one in his wholesome story.

Some families are too insane to even engage with (and yet they say I'm the mad one!)

CaraDuneRedux · 21/09/2020 20:16

@TweeBree

My early-thirties male friend went to one of the top boarding schools in the UK and he said molestation by the older boys was common place. He became hypersexualised as a result and slept with anything that moved. He's only now starting to date women properly.
I remember a friend when I was a student (back in the 80s) saying very matter-of-factly "Of course I was buggered at . We all were."

It was the matter-of-fact tone he delivered this in (kind of in between "Been a lovely day today" and "Pass the potatoes please") that really got to me.

Facefullofcake · 21/09/2020 20:16

I got the torture and physical abuse stuff too. The bits about your Dad.. jesus, that's beyond dysfunctional.

I bloody hope their case is struck out if they try to go down the family court route. Huge respect to you for protecting your daughters- I'm so sorry your family didn't protect you.

CaraDuneRedux · 21/09/2020 20:18

Flowers to everyone who's had such incredibly awful experiences.

Palavah · 21/09/2020 20:18

Not normal, not ok, but not unheard of.
Sorry it happened to you.

TweetUsOnFacebook · 21/09/2020 20:20

Another one here. I can't believe how common it is. I was around 9, he was 13. He was verbally inappropriate and it was physical on one occasion. He made me think it was all my idea and my fault. He threatened to tell our parents. He used to hide porn mags in my room to try and get me into trouble. I was terrified for years until I realised it wasn't my fault. I buried it for years then went nc a few years ago after both parents had died. I believe it's affected my personality, I was an outgoing little girl but I'm quiet and don't have many friends as an adult. I don't like men very much apart from my dh.
Love to everyone going through this Flowers

itsallovernowbabyblue · 21/09/2020 20:21

@Facefullofcake

I got the torture and physical abuse stuff too. The bits about your Dad.. jesus, that's beyond dysfunctional.

I bloody hope their case is struck out if they try to go down the family court route. Huge respect to you for protecting your daughters- I'm so sorry your family didn't protect you.

Thank you.

We had a couple of solicitor's letters making requests for our children to go and stay with them unaccompanied in the holidays (they live 200 miles away).

Their delusions know no bounds and I hope they hurry up and die so I can finally live a life where they can no longer threaten my family.

year5teacher · 21/09/2020 20:24

No. This isn’t normal Sad I have two older brothers and they have never said or done anything similar ever. I’m so sorry.