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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Well my husband just left

132 replies

joysmoy · 20/09/2020 22:48

Just as title says. My husband has been messaging another woman for months now. I had thought things were getting better,we were sleeping together and going on dates,he told me he had stopped the messaging but he has still been at it and told her he loves her and hates it hereSadme and the kids are devastated. He just packed a bag and left😢

OP posts:
joysmoy · 21/09/2020 06:56

So sorry legally that's you've been here to and to anyone else that's been through this

OP posts:
Dontletitbeyou · 21/09/2020 07:04

I hope you and your little boy are ok .silly thing to say , with things as they are but I was thinking about you .
Your DH is just despicable , weak and selfish . No doubt thinking he’s sailing off to an exciting new chapter with this woman . Until she has to cook for him , clean his shitty pants and put up with all his bad habits, then let’s see how long the smiles last. Very often these things fizzle out and the weasel comes sloping back . At which point you can open the door with a big smile and tell him to jog the fuck on .
When it comes to sorting out the finances , hopefully you will get a good lawyer who will fight hard to get every single penny you are entitled to . Likely he will try it on , to pay the least he can get away with . Treat him like he’s treating you , be hard hearted .
You sound lovely . Know this is all on him and NO reflection of you . Also know that things will get easier , they really will , though it doesn’t seem like it now . Once the anger comes , that’s when most people start to feel a bit better .
Post here as much as you like , unfortunately lots of people in the same boat as you , so people really understand
Hoping you have a ‘better than you thought’ kind of day xx

joysmoy · 21/09/2020 07:25

Thank you so much I just still can't quite believe it. I've got kids up and two of them r having a tiny something to eat but eldest won't eat anything Sad

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 21/09/2020 07:31

Claim Universal Credit today, the online form is really easy.
If you already get tax credits this will stop as soon as you claim UC.

For a family of 1 adult and 3 children you will get just over £1200pm plus help with your rent plus a disabled child premium.

They will then deduct off the carers allowance and a percentage of your wages.

You'll probably find you are better off as all the money coming in to the house will be spent on you and the kids rather than loads staying with your husband and spent on crap.

Also notify your Housing Association today.
They wont remove his name as a tenancy is legally binding but you want them to know so if he tries to give notice on the property they will tell you and hopefully give you a single tenancy.

Make sure you go through all the bills and any in his name get the account ended and a new one from today in your name.

Take the day 5 mins by 5 mins or 10 mins by 10 mins.
Try to keep everything the same for the kids and you just need to get through the next few days doing whatever you meed to do.

Right now it ferls like the end of the world but soon you'll realise this is the best for everyone.

Sounds like he was awful to live with - my ex husband had mental health issues and he was a nightmare,I'd never date anyone with mental health issues because i did 19 years with someone using it as an excuse for bad behaviour.

I hope your son is ok this morning.

LilyLongJohn · 21/09/2020 07:32

Don't forget to put a claim in via the cms today too

SirVixofVixHall · 21/09/2020 09:42

I am so sorry OP. He has treated you all so terribly, it’s painful to read about your little boy. You sound such a wonderful mum, you are very capable, loving and unselfish, and you will be fine. This time is horrible but it will pass and your children will get through it too because you so clearly care about them above all else.
Flowers

movingonup20 · 21/09/2020 09:55

Get practical. Apply for uc today, let schools etc know so they can support particularly your ds. Talk to your h and say ok, let sort out finances and see what he suggests. My exh was actually generous with settlement, but it still hurt a lot

celticmissey · 21/09/2020 10:00

Just take one day at a time - concentrate on getting you all up and the kids to school. I have been where you are - only I found out and kicked him out.

My dd was 9 - I told her that her dad had a new girlfriend but she would still see her dad. She was very angry with him and quite rightly so as he had even lied so he could take this other woman out on Father's Day.

I told her I would always be there for her. She cried for a week which broke my heart. All you can do is reassure them that you are there for them.

Just take it one day at a time - and concentrate on the basics - getting you all up, dressed, breakfast and meals. Remember to take care of yourself - remember to eat (you probably wont feel like it but even some toast and a soup will give you energy). Be prepared to go through a range of emotions - anger, tears, fear - they are all normal.

Don't make any decisions yet to do with the split -don't let him rush you, he can wait - you owe him nothing -when you feel up to it go and get some legal advice.

Let the schools know so they can look out for the children's emotional welfare in school.

Look at the website chumplady - it does help.

You are devastated at the moment as to what he has done to you and the kids. He is a low life weasel. All the excitement with this woman may wear off when he is with her 24/7 - be prepared for him maybe to try and come back. A lot of them do when they realise the grass isn't greener.

It may not seem like it now but it will get better in time. Kids find comfort in keeping to their routine especially with ASD.

I was signed off work for a few weeks as I just couldn't think straight. It helped me massively. Later on, you speaking with a counsellor may help.

You are stronger than you know! You will get through it and come out the other side.

WeakandWobbly · 21/09/2020 10:15

You sound like a fantastic mum. You will get through this. Some men are so ridiculously selfish, it's unreal. Brew

Scweltish · 21/09/2020 10:25

What an absolute shithead. Fair enough if he wanted to leave the relationship. You don’t go about it by starting an affair and walking out on hysterical kids though 😡

ALLIS0N · 21/09/2020 10:26

Hopefully you can reassure the children that lots of things won’t change. They will still live in the same house with each other and you, go to the same schools, have the same friends.

Their dad will still be their dad and will still see them and live Elsewhere. Once their dad has sorted out where he’s living they might be able to go and stay with him some of the time, perhaps at weekends.

Once they get over the shock they will be ok and will adjust to the new normal . Lots of their school friends will also have separated parents and will tell them its ok. It’s a big change but most kids cope just fine.

I’m sure their father will be in touch With you later this week To talk about seeing them. Start the way you mean to go on and do NOT agree to him seeing them at your house. He can take them to wherever he is staying or out to MacDonald’s.

It’s not fair on the kids to let him into their home to play happy families. And you will end up making him Meals and coffee like a guest. Or worse, letting him make his own like he lives there. Mixed messages.

And you will end up hiding in your own bedroom to give them space or even going out. No no no.

He walked away from all these privileges when he put OW before his kids and his marriage.

I’d get him to come off the tenancy ASAP so he has no right to come in. Get back the key or change the locks once he’s off it. It’s great that you have a secure tenancy.

Be polite but business like. Don’t Cry beg or plead. Don’t ask him why he’s done it or where he’s staying or anything like that.

Save your tears and rants for MN or your best friend round with a bottle of wine. Or forums like chumplady.

If he comes to collect His things , do it when the children are out. DO NOT let them see it. Men like to act like the injured party - look at evil mummy evicting poor homeless daddy with all his worldly goods in black big bags !

I’d try to have a friend or relative there, either with you or instead of you. Less chance of drama that way. Preferably a large stoney face male.

KittCat · 21/09/2020 10:32

What a CUNT 😠😠😠😠

joysmoy · 21/09/2020 10:38

Thank you all so much for the advice and support. I've got the children all to school and have an hour before I need to go to work so trying to keep busy. I feel so sick I can't eat anything but I'm sipping squash. I'm so sorry for all those who've been through thisSad

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 21/09/2020 10:46

Well done Op. you are doing so well.

Can you use the hour to contact the housing association and look at the cms website to check what info you need to put a claim in?

Alfiemoon1 · 21/09/2020 10:51

So sorry you are going through this what a shit he is. Take it hour by hour contact a solicitor most do a free half hour. Check out benefits on entitled website and put in a cm claim

joysmoy · 21/09/2020 10:56

I've done entitled to and we should be ok for money

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eaglejulesk · 21/09/2020 10:58

So sorry to hear this OP - I feel for you and the children. Hugs Flowers

joysmoy · 21/09/2020 11:01

Thank you

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ALLIS0N · 21/09/2020 11:03

See I told you that you were a strong woman ! You are totally on this.

Soon you will read chumpLady and find your anger and you will be RAGING. And hungry .

Crownofthorns · 21/09/2020 11:15

I’m so sorry. What you said about your poor son is heartbreaking. What a despicable piece of shit your husband is to do this both to you and your children.

joysmoy · 21/09/2020 11:19

Thank you

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Festivalgirl83 · 21/09/2020 15:01

I'm so sorry this has happened. This was me almost three years ago, my ex husband left me with my two children then aged 8 and 6. He had been messaging other women and had an affair.
We were all devastated, I thought I would die of the heartbreak. It was hideous but i made it through and I've never been so happy but if you had told me that back then i would never have believed anyone.
One day at a time, little steps xx

joysmoy · 21/09/2020 15:12

Thank you I'm sorry you have been through this to. We are devastated.

OP posts:
movingonup20 · 21/09/2020 15:23

Ps 18 months ago I thought my life had ended. Fast forward and I've met an amazing man, never been so happy. Life is certainly not predictable. Take care of yourself

joysmoy · 21/09/2020 15:37

Thank you moving on up

OP posts:
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