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Relationships

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Original poster

He's been punishing me for 9 months?!

121 replies

Shoeshop · 18/09/2020 17:16

After a long period of unhappiness, I broke the news to DH that I was ready to separate. I didn't want to go into detail about why as it should have been blatantly obvious to DH due to all the arguing.
He came back to me a few days later telling me he wanted to try again, that he was going to do x, y and z to improve his own self-care and our relationship.
He then confessed that, after I upset him badly at Christmas, he hasn't been able to forgive me and has been behaving awkwardly and obstructively ever since. I basically told his friends something about him which he was not happy with me sharing (can't do into detail). It was a fact and something that has been affecting me for quite some time, it wasn't personal, it didn't involve his body parts, but his behaviour (non-abusive).
He said I'd badly ruined his pride and tarnished his reputation. He sent me the most disgusting texts calling me a "cunt" among other words and stayed at his parents for 2 nights.
We both apologised and I thought we had forgotten about the incident. He has been trying really hard for the last 4 weeks, but I am struggling.
I can't believe that he's chosen to make my life miserable for 9 months as a product of this incident. I feel like nothing he can do now will ever make up for that.
Would you be upset too?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 18/09/2020 17:17

Don't give him another chance
He sounds abusive

Mynameisrow · 18/09/2020 17:19

9 months is a ridiculously long time to punish you for something which he ‘forgave’ you for. I would carry on with your plans to separate as how long will the punishment be next time? Life’s too short to stay with a twat.

YouJustDoYou · 18/09/2020 17:21

What a fucking bastard. He's shown you what he's like, op- you don't need that crap in your life. He's a nasty manipulative cunt. Bin him, go be happy.

Heptember · 18/09/2020 17:24

He's trying to move the responsibility of the blame on to you. Don't give it any more headspace than it deserves.

Hotwaterbottlelove · 18/09/2020 17:31

I would have walked the moment he called me a cunt. He did that then punished you for 9 months, who cares how nice he is being now?

HerNameWasEliza · 18/09/2020 17:39

I think he was actually really hurt. Did he actually say he was punishing you or is that your interpretation? If this was a deliberate control then than I'd be really worried. If he's been struggling with feeling hurt and upset, I'd have more hope (if you want to continue to try and improve things). Clearly calling you a cunt is well out of order though and he needs to acknowledge that, apologise and never say such awful things again.

JudyGemstone · 18/09/2020 17:40

That's appalling passive aggressive communication. He clearly lacks the skills to discuss things in an adult way. This is a very poor trait in a partner.

Sssloou · 18/09/2020 17:50

What’s your thinking on this?

that because he had his reasons to behave disgustingly to you for 9 months, you should now stay?

that you have are leaving anyway and this just makes you want to go quicker?

CrazyToast · 18/09/2020 19:12

The moment he called you a cunt, it should have been over. A husband who loves and respects you will never call you names like that. And you dont want to be with a husband who doesnt love and respect you. His behaviour since thing just shows more of this.

madcatladyforever · 18/09/2020 19:15

Unable to communicate like an adult so sulksike a child
Dump.

MsEllany · 18/09/2020 19:16

So he has spent 9 months driving you away, and the second it happens he all of a sudden apologises and wants to try again?

No thanks.

Aerial2020 · 18/09/2020 19:17

I couldn't be with anyone that called me a cunt. That's awful.

curiouslypacific · 18/09/2020 20:01

So he behaved like a twat and upset you. You dared tell people he'd upset you. He reacted to his behaviour being revealed to his friends by verbally abusing you. He's spent 9 months punishing you even though you apologised and he forgave you? Fuck that shit. This is not normal OP. This is not a kind, respectful partnership. This is not what love looks or feels like.

He doesn't seem to have accepted any responsibility here. It's your fault his friends know he behaved badly, not his fault for actually behaving badly. He's not even apologised for behaving like a shit for 9 months, just acknowledged that he was (but it was still your fault), and offered to change now he realises you've had enough.

Honestly life is far too short to put up with this sort of fuckwit. These revelations would make me more likely to dump his ass, not consider trying again.

BitOfANameChange · 18/09/2020 20:39

@curiouslypacific

Honestly life is far too short to put up with this sort of fuckwit. These revelations would make me more likely to dump his ass, not consider trying again.

This.

@Shoeshop I'd dump as well. In fact, I left my ex after 30 years, and knowing him as I do, I can imagine him showing this type of behaviour. It doesn't get better, and someone calling their partner a cunt is not someone I'd like to stay with.

HotSauceCommittee · 18/09/2020 20:43

Why have you wasted 9 months of your life being unhappy with him?
Do you really think he will change and it will be happily ever after?
Your happiness depends upon you and you only. This man is making you miserable and you will never get the time back xx

Plussizejumpsuit · 18/09/2020 21:30

He is trying to make this your responsibility. So that's quite worrying and a bit abusive. But the bigger issue is he has intentionally been unpleasant to you for 9 months. You don't do that to someone you love. It's manipulative, petty and he's really shown you who he is by behaving in this way. I'm not surprised you're struggling. I really don't think I could get over this.

Sacados · 18/09/2020 21:38

Anybody who's capable of behaving like that (for 9 months!!) is a terrible partner.

Please get rid of him asap. You deserve so much better. Don't let anybody abuse you like that.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2020 21:41

Do you really want to waste one more day with such a petulant, abusive man? I should hope not. Get a solicitor and end this charade of a marriage.

Dery · 18/09/2020 21:41

Over the 20+ years we’ve been together, DH and I have each occasionally done things which have hurt the other and really pissed the other off. But no way would either of us have punished the other for even a day, let alone 9 months. He’s punished you for nearly a year. That’s appalling. In your shoes, I would be off, I think.

Skyla2005 · 18/09/2020 22:16

Save him the bother of making you feel bad and end it. He is pathetic

CaraDuneRedux · 18/09/2020 22:22

LTB.

He called you a cunt - pretty damn unforgiveable - then sulked for 9 months while making your life miserable.

You can do so much better than this.

Shizzlestix · 18/09/2020 22:33

Is he 12?! Emotionally immature and ridiculous.

Appleofmyeye05 · 18/09/2020 22:45

That’s a long time to hold a grudge. Now you know the reasoning behind it, for me it would be too much to go back.

What’s stopping him from doing it again if you ‘misbehave’

Love51 · 18/09/2020 22:49

He behaved so badly it made you want to end the relationship and now you've discovered he did it on purpose? Yeah I'd be upset, and also feel validated that the decision to end the relationship was the correct one.

justilou1 · 18/09/2020 23:35

That in itself is abusive behaviour. Go.

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