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Relationships

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Original poster

He's been punishing me for 9 months?!

121 replies

Shoeshop · 18/09/2020 17:16

After a long period of unhappiness, I broke the news to DH that I was ready to separate. I didn't want to go into detail about why as it should have been blatantly obvious to DH due to all the arguing.
He came back to me a few days later telling me he wanted to try again, that he was going to do x, y and z to improve his own self-care and our relationship.
He then confessed that, after I upset him badly at Christmas, he hasn't been able to forgive me and has been behaving awkwardly and obstructively ever since. I basically told his friends something about him which he was not happy with me sharing (can't do into detail). It was a fact and something that has been affecting me for quite some time, it wasn't personal, it didn't involve his body parts, but his behaviour (non-abusive).
He said I'd badly ruined his pride and tarnished his reputation. He sent me the most disgusting texts calling me a "cunt" among other words and stayed at his parents for 2 nights.
We both apologised and I thought we had forgotten about the incident. He has been trying really hard for the last 4 weeks, but I am struggling.
I can't believe that he's chosen to make my life miserable for 9 months as a product of this incident. I feel like nothing he can do now will ever make up for that.
Would you be upset too?

OP posts:

Opticabbage · 20/09/2020 12:54

I don't think what you did was that bad either, if what you said was true. If he is crap around the house and he doesn't want other people to know that, he should have tried being less crap around the house! Not expected you to never mention it in public. He sounds truly pathetic.

tornadoalley · 20/09/2020 13:17

So you humiliated him in public to your friend, joined in laughing at him, and then go upset because he name called you in nasty text messages?

He left you for a short time because he was so hurt, and hasn't felt the same about you since and continued to feel hurt and humiliated, has checked out of the relationship for 9 months and you call this punishing you?

You both sound immature and would do each other a favour by separating. Either that or have some counselling and learn to communicate with respect and kindness

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 20/09/2020 13:55

@Opticabbage

My point exactly.

Porridgeoat · 20/09/2020 14:04

I’d call it a day. To hang on to something which had been fully discussed and apologised for is immature. He’s clearly quite a bitter person. Multiply this experience by the number of upsets he will have over the next few years and I predict a unhappy future for you

TeaLibrary · 20/09/2020 14:40

Dump him. Hes an immature twat who sulks rather than communicates. Zero tolerance for being called nasty names so I would have ended it there and then.

BlueThistles · 20/09/2020 22:31

How are you OP 🌺

Mydogmylife · 20/09/2020 22:56

Well, I'm with @Bluntness100 and @LionessRoar on this one. Your behaviour was shoddy in the extreme, and I would've been deeply hurt if my DH had mocked me in that way in front of our friends, and I would have struggled to look at him in the same way afterwards. I doubt however that I would have still been around for a further 9 months, and would probably have dumped your sorry backside sharpish

Highfalutinlootin · 20/09/2020 23:11

I agree with PP that it sounds like yet another story of a man who is worthless and lazy around the house and has the sexist views that one, it as his wife's responsibility to maintain the charade that he's an equal partner lest she insult his honor (oh, please) and two, his wife must pick up the slack at home. I have no patience for men who pretend housework and cleanliness are somehow genetically beyond them, thus shunting all the work into their wives.

I don't think what she did was a big deal. I think nine months of sulking is a massive overreaction, and in her shoes I'd be moving on with separating.

AgentJohnson · 20/09/2020 23:46

You are both so deeply entrenched in a passive aggressive, repressed contempt and resent cycle where neither of you can in any emotionally mature way communicate your wants and needs to each other in order to work shoulder to shoulder with kindness and respect to resolve. It’s all about shaming and blaming.

This

Pointing the finger gets you where exactly?

UserABCDE12345 · 21/09/2020 00:06

He's spent 9 months being like this because you deliberately humiliated him and he's seen you in a different light. He can't get past that. And why should he. It was a horrible thing to do. I could never do that to the person I loved. If he had done that to you everyone would be telling you to LTB. But as you are the woman and he is the man, you'll get a fair few on your side even though you are very much in the wrong.

BlueThistles · 21/09/2020 00:23

He spent 9 months being a Dick, thank goodness OP ended it, nobody needs this behaviour in their lives. 🌺

UserABCDE12345 · 21/09/2020 00:32

@BlueThistles

He spent 9 months being a Dick, thank goodness OP ended it, nobody needs this behaviour in their lives. 🌺

Yeah, how dare the man feel hurt and humiliated when the person who supposedly loves him takes the piss out of him to his mates. Stupid man should have laughed along.

netsybetsy · 21/09/2020 05:52

Not surprised you're upset but sounds like he finds it difficult to trust you after the Christmas incident.

Of course now after finding out why he's been behaving like this for 9 months you will find it hard to trust him.

If you both really want to make a go of this, get into couples therapy to start communicating better.

Dontletitbeyou · 21/09/2020 06:46

I don’t think there’s anything to chose between you with regards to your behaviour . I doubt his moving into the spare room and emotional withdrawal from your relationship were Unintentional . They seem the actions of a childish manipulator , designed to pay you back for the hurt you caused. The fact that he carried it on for 9months is just ridiculous .
That said , you went way over the top that night . You obviously had things you wanted to say , saying them in front of all his friends and taking the piss out of him was stupid and spiteful . I would be so angry if my DH embarrassed me like that in front of my friends ,it’s bullying .
Any woman coming in here and repeating what your story but with DH doing the mocking in front of her friends, would be told to LTB because he’s an abusive wanker
Sounds like you both need to grow up tbh

Original poster

Shoeshop · 21/09/2020 07:05

I can understand him being extremely hurt and angry, but if he couldn't forgive and move on, he should have left, surely? And not punish me for 9 months. Leaving would probably have been kinder.
I can't get my head around it.
If someone has an affair and the other partner decides to forgive them, they don't get a free ticket to cause emotional upset and neglect for the rest of their lives thereafter. Particularly when bringing up a 1 year old and a 3 year old together. It's just wrong.

OP posts:

ComicePear · 21/09/2020 07:13

So OP, how do you feel now? If he genuinely wants to stay together, and believes that the two of you can put this behind you and go back to how things were before all of this happened, is that what you want? Is your decision to split based only on the last nine months, or with hindsight was the writing on the wall before then?

If you both want to give it a try then marriage counselling may be useful to talk this through.

billy1966 · 21/09/2020 07:40

It must have taken huge effort and energy on his part to be so obstructive and cold for 9 months to punish you.

What a pity that effort couldn't have been put into his cleanliness and family unit before that party.

It certainly wasn't a nice thing to do but it sounds like the OP was a mother at the end of her tether with two very young children and alcohol had loosened her tongue.

Not right for certainly not deserving of what followed.

He sounds like a very immature excuse of a man.

For him to put his need to punish you ahead of everything for 9 months is so awful, when all you wanted was him to pull his weight with a very young family.

Awful behaviour.

netsybetsy · 21/09/2020 07:44

@Shoeshop

I can understand him being extremely hurt and angry, but if he couldn't forgive and move on, he should have left, surely? And not punish me for 9 months. Leaving would probably have been kinder. I can't get my head around it. If someone has an affair and the other partner decides to forgive them, they don't get a free ticket to cause emotional upset and neglect for the rest of their lives thereafter. Particularly when bringing up a 1 year old and a 3 year old together. It's just wrong.

I get your point but how many threads have we seen where after an affair the injured party is upset for a long time and the person who had the affair gets impatient and wishes they'd just move on and forget.

I think professional help to help you two process this and communicate would be really helpful.

Frannibananni · 21/09/2020 07:49

It doesn’t matter what happened in the past, what will make you happy in the future? Does staying with him forever fill you with dread? If you do decide to stay and give it another try it doesn’t mean you can’t reassess and leave later.

Sssloou · 21/09/2020 08:12

I think your confusion may be the realisation that your behaviour (the bullying and betrayal incident) was the catalyst to your marriage unravelling and your family breaking down. That must hurt and be a burden for you.

May be it was convenient that the last 9 months of rows, upset and stonewalling you could pin solely on him so you could blame and shame him 100% for your marriage breakdown.

With the “revelation” that he had withdrawn from the relationship and behaved badly (not excusable) for a reason - you have to take responsibility that your actions played a significant part in your marriage breakdown.

I say “revelation” because in reality you know that he left for 2 nights immediately after the incident and has stonewalled since. I am sure you joined the dots - there must have been clues in the verbal rows.

Still continuing to point the finger at him suggests that you are not one for self reflection and taking adult responsibility for your contribution to conflict.

Maybe there are so many other things that make you irredeemably incompatible - or maybe you both need to reflect, change and grow emotionally. It’s a shame for your little children - because even if you stay or separate the toxic blaming, shaming, stonewalling, rowing will continue to impact them.

Bluntness100 · 21/09/2020 08:54

Op it’s not that simple. I’m sure he didn’t know he could not forgive you. It’s hard ending a relationship. Plenty of people try to forgive someone ans find they can’t, doesn’t mean they knew from day one.

Sssloou · 21/09/2020 09:06

I am not really sure what the point of the thread is. You decided after 9 months of shit to separate. All fine.

In a subsequent conversation he reveals the was stonewalling / obstructive behaviour was for a reason which has made you even more hurt and angry with more blame and finger pointing - so isn’t that just confirming that your decision was right? Nail in the coffin and all that? Or behind this are you confused that it is not so black and white that you can’t blame him 100% or control the narrative?

BlueThistles · 21/09/2020 09:09

Yeah, how dare the man feel hurt and humiliated when the person who supposedly loves him takes the piss out of him to his mates. Stupid man should have laughed along.

to ignore someone for 9 months is equally abusive.

RandomMess · 21/09/2020 09:10

You have probably hurt his prude further by being the one ending it...

Relationship sounds completely dead in the water. I think the inappropriate teasing bothered him so much because it was true - he has been avoiding domestic responsibilities etc.

waitingforadulthood · 21/09/2020 09:14

I agree that what you said was cruel and disrespectful. It would be a dealbreaker for me if my partner humiliated me like that. But that's kind of the point isn't it? I'd have left you. To "forgive" and then actively punish and mistreat you is the worse crime. You were horrible and cruel for a few hours at most, he's been horrible and cruel for months on end in retaliation?! That's madness. Leave and don't look back.

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