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Original poster

He's been punishing me for 9 months?!

121 replies

Shoeshop · 18/09/2020 17:16

After a long period of unhappiness, I broke the news to DH that I was ready to separate. I didn't want to go into detail about why as it should have been blatantly obvious to DH due to all the arguing.
He came back to me a few days later telling me he wanted to try again, that he was going to do x, y and z to improve his own self-care and our relationship.
He then confessed that, after I upset him badly at Christmas, he hasn't been able to forgive me and has been behaving awkwardly and obstructively ever since. I basically told his friends something about him which he was not happy with me sharing (can't do into detail). It was a fact and something that has been affecting me for quite some time, it wasn't personal, it didn't involve his body parts, but his behaviour (non-abusive).
He said I'd badly ruined his pride and tarnished his reputation. He sent me the most disgusting texts calling me a "cunt" among other words and stayed at his parents for 2 nights.
We both apologised and I thought we had forgotten about the incident. He has been trying really hard for the last 4 weeks, but I am struggling.
I can't believe that he's chosen to make my life miserable for 9 months as a product of this incident. I feel like nothing he can do now will ever make up for that.
Would you be upset too?

OP posts:
Whatruthinking · 20/09/2020 10:37

How would you have reacted to everyone laughing at you and taking the piss out of you like that?

BlueThistles · 20/09/2020 10:46

How would you have reacted to everyone laughing at you and taking the piss out of you like that?

by not ignoring him and being cold cold for 9 months 🌺

ChocAuVin · 20/09/2020 10:49

When I told him I was finally leaving, my exH admitted he’d done the exact same punitive behaviour, OP.

You’ll note the ‘ex’ Smile

notapizzaeater · 20/09/2020 10:59

Yes you was out of order but adults do not hold grudges for 9 months. Separate and move on.

TheVanguardSix · 20/09/2020 11:05

You both communicate badly and there's a lack of respect for one another. So, that's just the weakest foundation for any relationship.
You broke confidentiality. He responded badly to this.
It's all very passive-aggressive and immature.

Next time you have relationship issues, talk to the person, OP, not around or about them. I'm not excusing his dickish behaviour by any means. But you've got to take a bit of ownership here. It's not all him.

Time to move on.

Pobblebonk · 20/09/2020 11:07

I wonder whether his reaction was based in the fact that there was all too much truth in what you said and he doesn't want to admit it?

SorryImKnew · 20/09/2020 11:15

Pobblebonk I suspect his reaction was due to the humiliation of one of his friends actually saying it was unacceptable. Apart from the shame of airing stupid information that denigrates him, you emasculated him in front of his friends who probably see him as weak for putting up with it. Possible his friends have been encouraging him to get out of the relationship on the QT, hence the prolonged breakdown in the relationship.

SorryImKnew · 20/09/2020 11:16

If my DH did that and a friend actually drew attention to it, I'd be mortified times two!

Anydreamwilldo12 · 20/09/2020 11:20

What you did was wrong however, what did your husband hope to achieve by deliberately ignoring you for 9 whole months? Did he expect to continue behaving like that forever because that wouldn't make either if you happy.
Now you have told him you want to split all of a sudden he's decided he want to make an effort. Too little too late I say.

Appledaze · 20/09/2020 11:25

I'd be mortified if my partner said what you had to friends, but I wouldn't give him the silent treatment for nine hours let alone nine months! At the end of the day this is a really long time, and to what end?

We had lockdown and the added stresses this brought , one of the the most difficult years we have ever faced on a global scale and.. instead of either ending the relationship, or taking steps to salvage it , your partner decided to continue to punish you. I couldn't trust this person to have my back. I would have to leave.

SorryImKnew · 20/09/2020 11:29

The ins and the outs are largely irrelevant now that you've decided to end it. So just get on with it and separate. Have you started a discussion on the logistics of living arrangements, who stays in the home etc?

BlueThistles · 20/09/2020 11:31

OP you did the right thing, you accepted you upset/humiliated him, and you apologised. He could have decided that wasn't enough and he couldn't get over it, but the time for this decision WAS 9 months ago. He has behaved equally if not worse in treating you horribly for 9 months. I agree that this has broken down so far now, parting is the only way forward for you. He checked out long ago, you need to think of you now. 🌺

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 20/09/2020 11:38

I'm sorry but what you did was NOT that horrible. He chose to be a lazy, filthy arsehole and I have no doubt you have asked him many different ways to pull his weight but he won't. Which is the height of disrespect right there. Even if you havent this was an isolated incident you apologised for. If this was reversed no one would be telling you to leave.

If he doesn't want to be humiliated don't be a lazy filthy bastard - it's not up to you to lie in front of his friends to make him look good. Why should you have to pretend to them he's someone he's not?

And then he listened to one wanker friend and treated you, the mother of his children, like shit. For 9 months. On the say so of one friend?

The only way out of this is for him to become partner of the year including cleaning both the house and himself. And banishing that friend. Anything else you leave. I'd be wanting to know where he got his sexist, nasty entitled views from though treating you like his skivvy and effectively using you as his servant for 9 months.,

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 20/09/2020 11:41

Appledaze makes a good point. We are in a global pandemic and this is all he can think about? Pretty scary stuff isn't it? Says a lot about the man he is.

MsKeats · 20/09/2020 11:45

So he has abused you for 9 months or longer -deliberately. On purpose. Knowingly. Not unthinkingly or not knowingly -but to cause you maximum pain and grief.

And you might stay- why?

So that a year from now -you post again because "he has spent the last year punishing me because a year ago I told him I wanted to leave"?

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2020 11:54

Wow, some of these responses. I one hundred percent guarantee if a woman had posted her husband had made up shit and mocked her to her friends, to an extent she left for two days and couldn’t get past it, the exact same posters would be calling the man a cunt.

Sometimes for some, if it’s the man he’s wrong, if it’s the woman she’s right, there is no room for grey areas, or reasoned thinking, simoly your sex dictates if you’re in the right or wrong

BlueThistles · 20/09/2020 11:57

I don't believe Abuse is acceptable to either gender, and every case should be treated individually as they are rarely identical. 🌺

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2020 11:59

@BlueThistles

I don't believe Abuse is acceptable to either gender, and every case should be treated individually as they are rarely identical. 🌺
Totally agree. Someone even said abusing him wasn’t that horrible and he is a lazy filthy arsehole.

Just awful

billy1966 · 20/09/2020 12:05

@Ablackrussian

He seems to have panicked when I told him I was ready to separate so I'm confused.

No confusion at all. He got a sick kick out of making you feel like shit and the moment you said 'enough is enough', he realised he'd lost the 'battle'.

The problem with people with his mindset is that there are never any real, workable solutions to problems presented to them. And they also enjoy causing negativity, to their own ends, or just for sport.

Oh, and they nearly always fail to initially tell you what the problem is; doses of the silent treatment, manufactured arguments, and withholding intimacy, will leave you feeling confused and hurt (which is their aim).

He only let you know why you were being punished, because you decided to call the shots.. he would have quite happily kept up the mental/emotional abuse until he decided to forgive you Hmm

Fuck him.

This makes sense to me.

I think you were right the first time.

He sounds really awful.

Protect yourself Flowers

billy1966 · 20/09/2020 12:10

OP,

I think his behaviour has been awful but I must say your behaviour that night was appalling too.

Very disloyal.

Separate.
Your marriage is toxic.

Flittingaboutagain · 20/09/2020 12:13

I am trying to put myself in his shoes. If my partner mocked me to others including how long I was on the toilet etc I would feel betrayed. The couple are supposed to be a team and this sounds like when drunk you unleashed some contempt. He was hurt. He did forgive but couldn't forget. He has felt different about you since you hurt him and has struggled to, perhaps not felt like he could, open up about it as perhaps you would have belittled it.

I can imagine a partner saying that was a month ago I thought you said it was forgiven....

Lots of people don't know how to talk about feeling hurt in a healthy way, or feel too hurt to open up and be vulnerable to the one who hurt them.

I'm not trying to take his side, just give an other perspective.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 20/09/2020 12:15

@Bluntness100

Wow, some of these responses. I one hundred percent guarantee if a woman had posted her husband had made up shit and mocked her to her friends, to an extent she left for two days and couldn’t get past it, the exact same posters would be calling the man a cunt.

Sometimes for some, if it’s the man he’s wrong, if it’s the woman she’s right, there is no room for grey areas, or reasoned thinking, simoly your sex dictates if you’re in the right or wrong

Absolutely not. That is my point. I've seen these and it is ONLY when it's a pattern of ongoing behaviour. There's a current thread about 'is this a joke' where he says something truly vile without provocation and half the posters say it's just a joke. And it's not even about something she actually does, or even that affects him. It's just made up bile and not the first time.

He's chosen to be lazy and unclean. Should she have said something in front of his friends? Probably not but maybe she thought it might get through after all else failed? That seeing them say 'mate that's not on' might actually get through to him? Some men listen to no one but their mates (pathetic in itself). It was also ONCE.

So no. If this was reversed everyone would be asking if it was true and telling her to forgive or talk to him about how hurst she was. NO ONE would be saying treat him like shit through a global pandemic. If he didn't like it why didn't he just leave? Instead he chose to stay and lie and gaslight because it was convenient.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 20/09/2020 12:24

I do think that taking the piss out of a man in front of his friends or family is a big no go zone. And vice versa. I wouldn't do it under normal circumstances and if I did it might be to try and get through about behaviour I was very unhappy with. If.

However if I did it when pissed and was mortified and apologised and didn't repeat it I would expect some kind of forgiveness from a long term partner especially one I am cooking and cleaning for. Maybe a few days of them being off. But 9 MONTHS???? Without a word???

No. I'd leave and if they suddenly panicked and told me why I'd still leave. I'm sorry but his reaction far outweighs the severity of the original 'crime'. His mates probably say far worse to each other every day and now he's a delicate flower? No. Sorry but no.

Sssloou · 20/09/2020 12:27

You are both so deeply entrenched in a passive aggressive, repressed contempt and resent cycle where neither of you can in any emotionally mature way communicate your wants and needs to each other in order to work shoulder to shoulder with kindness and respect to resolve. It’s all about shaming and blaming.

This is toxic, especially for your DCs. You are right to move on.

Your drunk public bullying and humiliation of him was degrading and abusive. His withdrawal, stone walling and abuse was equally disgusting behaviour.

Your most recent post blaming him for not leaving you sooner is farcical.

BlueThistles · 20/09/2020 12:30

Your most recent post blaming him for not leaving you sooner is farcical.

9 months sooner would have been appropriate 🌺