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Original poster

He's been punishing me for 9 months?!

121 replies

Shoeshop · 18/09/2020 17:16

After a long period of unhappiness, I broke the news to DH that I was ready to separate. I didn't want to go into detail about why as it should have been blatantly obvious to DH due to all the arguing.
He came back to me a few days later telling me he wanted to try again, that he was going to do x, y and z to improve his own self-care and our relationship.
He then confessed that, after I upset him badly at Christmas, he hasn't been able to forgive me and has been behaving awkwardly and obstructively ever since. I basically told his friends something about him which he was not happy with me sharing (can't do into detail). It was a fact and something that has been affecting me for quite some time, it wasn't personal, it didn't involve his body parts, but his behaviour (non-abusive).
He said I'd badly ruined his pride and tarnished his reputation. He sent me the most disgusting texts calling me a "cunt" among other words and stayed at his parents for 2 nights.
We both apologised and I thought we had forgotten about the incident. He has been trying really hard for the last 4 weeks, but I am struggling.
I can't believe that he's chosen to make my life miserable for 9 months as a product of this incident. I feel like nothing he can do now will ever make up for that.
Would you be upset too?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shoeshop · 19/09/2020 16:07

Spoken to him again and he says he hasn't been punishing me unintentionally but has found it difficult to move on.
Throughout the 9 months, he largely shut down intimacy, slept in the spare room and made no effort with our relationship. He lost all enthusiasm to make future family plans and focused primarily on his own hobbies and goals. He is a hands on father and has continued being so, but not much else.
I think that, for him, the relationship was over after the incident 9 months ago, but he failed to realise this or communicate it. He seems to have panicked when I told him I was ready to separate so I'm confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shoeshop · 19/09/2020 16:08

Supposed to say he hasn't been punishing me intentionally

OP posts:
RepDom21 · 19/09/2020 16:34

Why did you tell his friends? I don’t think it’s fair to comment on the situation and we don’t know the full story.

Did it achieve anything sharing with his friends OP.

vanillandhoney · 19/09/2020 17:02

Why did you share this information with his friends?

I don't think anyone can fairly comment unless they know the entire situation.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/09/2020 17:27

He doesn't love you. In fact, he doesn't even like you very much. You wouldn't do that to someone you liked.

Sacados · 19/09/2020 21:12

Hmm, he "hasn't been doing it deliberately"? He's just ACCIDENTALLY been treating you like shit for 9 months? And he didn't notice this, or raise the subject with you, or try to address this problem in any way?

He didn't want to end the relationship. He didn't want to fix himself or fix the relationship. He just wanted to stay in the relationship while being horrible to you.

This does not sound like a kind human being, or a decent human being, or even a functional human being.

Sacados · 19/09/2020 21:14

What you are describing is 9 months of sulking. Which is 9 months of emotional abuse.

Ablackrussian · 19/09/2020 21:41

He seems to have panicked when I told him I was ready to separate so I'm confused.

No confusion at all. He got a sick kick out of making you feel like shit and the moment you said 'enough is enough', he realised he'd lost the 'battle'.

The problem with people with his mindset is that there are never any real, workable solutions to problems presented to them. And they also enjoy causing negativity, to their own ends, or just for sport.

Oh, and they nearly always fail to initially tell you what the problem is; doses of the silent treatment, manufactured arguments, and withholding intimacy, will leave you feeling confused and hurt (which is their aim).

He only let you know why you were being punished, because you decided to call the shots.. he would have quite happily kept up the mental/emotional abuse until he decided to forgive you Hmm

Fuck him.

MulticolourMophead · 19/09/2020 22:04

@Shoeshop

Supposed to say he hasn't been punishing me intentionally
Of course he has, and enjoyed it too. Clearly got off on the feelings of superiority he had over you while watching you feeling confused about what was going on.
BloodyMiserable · 19/09/2020 22:18

That is not a healthy dynamic.

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book "Why does he do that". Iran eye opener to abusive behaviour.

SoulofanAggron · 19/09/2020 23:15

He's awful OP. Wankerish/abusive, and with poor 'self care.' (B.O? Knob cheese?) Not a good combination.

Original poster
Shoeshop · 20/09/2020 08:55

The comment to his friends was regarding his lack of domesticated awareness, I'd had a few drinks and took to mocking him about his lack of cleanliness. However, I definitely exaggerated slightly for the fun of it. I then made reference to how long he spends shitting on the toilet to avoid responsibilities. His friends found it hilarious (and whilst intoxicated) continued to tease him further. One of his friends however, proceeded to tell him how disrespectful I was of him to bring this up and how disgusted he was that I was mocking him around his friends. DH jumped on this and became very insulted with him and his other friend storming off.
I then received all the abusive messages. I'd had a few drinks so apologised profusely once I'd sobered up, I should have spoken to him about it rather than poking fun at him with his friends.
To be honest though, if it had been a dealbreaker, he should have left me, I don't think I have deserved 9 months of misery.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/09/2020 09:45

It doesn't seem like what you did was that big a deal. He's just using it to excuse his own shit behaviour

BlueThistles · 20/09/2020 09:58

He sounds insufferable company, you were having a laugh in the company of friends. Sounds more like you showed up his true character, ie hiding in the toilet to avoid any domesticity. There's lots of men disappear into the toilet for ages, does he think he's different/special? sadly not, he's just predictable. However, to punish you for 9 months, that is an entire 'pregnancy' a whole 9 months, I could not even begin to forgive this treatment, imagine if you did something REALLY offensive to him, he may never speak again. It's no way to live and you cannot accept being treated as such, it's not normal rational behaviour. Good luck OP 🌺

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2020 10:04

I don’t think he is,punishing you and I don’t think it’s ok for you to class it like this. I think it’s what he said, he was incredibly hurt by you mocking him to his friends like this, and has struggled to get past your behaviour..

Had you written this differently, and even swapped genders, and said

My husband when he was with my friends started mocking me, he talked about my toilet habits, my cleanliness, my lack of domestic awareness, and exaggerated to make me look as bad as possible, I am so hurt even though it was nine months ago and he just says I’m punishing him, I don’t know what to do.

No one would have answered and said. Well that’s because you’re a cunt. As is the accusation being levelled at this man.

Itisbetter · 20/09/2020 10:05

Oh he’s a bit of a pompous bore. Ask him to go and sleep at his parents/rent a room and if he can be arsed to be pleasant you can rebuild your relationship or if not you can progress to divorce. I’d need a LOT of wooing and a major change in the dynamic to want to make the marriage work. If he’s up for that then are you?

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2020 10:09

@Itisbetter

Oh he’s a bit of a pompous bore. Ask him to go and sleep at his parents/rent a room and if he can be arsed to be pleasant you can rebuild your relationship or if not you can progress to divorce. I’d need a LOT of wooing and a major change in the dynamic to want to make the marriage work. If he’s up for that then are you?
Have you misread? I’m assuming you think the husband was the one doing the mocking? And the op the one who took it? Your comment makes little sense otherwise.
SorryImKnew · 20/09/2020 10:10

I'm with Bluntness here. That was a nasty thing that you did to him, ridiculing him in front of your friends. Ok, maybe he could have gotten over it by now, but he hasn't. In any case, just end the relationship and leave. Have you made steps to leave?

upsidedownwavylegs · 20/09/2020 10:19

Sounds a bit six and half a dozen to me to be honest. I wouldn’t be impressed if my partner did to me what you did to him, and my friends wouldn’t like it either. But it really isn’t nine months in the spare room-worthy. However you want to split up anyway so I’m not sure what’s to be gained from chewing it over.

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2020 10:23

I also don’t understand, you’ve agreed to split. So just get on with it.

It’s curious how you’re keen to detail him as unreasonable, how he said you were a saying you were being punished. Before drip feeding in how you treated him, what caused his behaviour and that in reality he simoly is struggling to get over it.

No one sits and mocks someone extensively, not someone they love to their friends like that. You want to split, so just get on with it. What’s the point in posting a thread and phrasing it so that people can tell you just how bad he is.

LionessRoar · 20/09/2020 10:24

I agree with Bluntness too. What you did was horrible and you took it way too far. I would be mortified and very upset if my husband slagged me off like this to his friends. Why would you be so crude as to go on about him shitting? It’s humiliating and uncalled for. I think it’s fair enough he called you a cunt in that situation and I’m not one for name calling.... but if you don’t want to be called a cunt, perhaps don’t act like one!
Your husband is hurt and you passing it off as him punishing you is minimalising your behaviour and dismissing his feelings. He probably lost trust and respect for you that day. You were nasty and disloyal that day

BlueThistles · 20/09/2020 10:26

Oh he’s a bit of a pompous bore. Ask him to go and sleep at his parents/rent a room and if he can be arsed to be pleasant you can rebuild your relationship or if not you can progress to divorce. I’d need a LOT of wooing and a major change in the dynamic to want to make the marriage work. If he’s up for that then are you?

I agree, he gets emotionally wounded at a Party and holds a grudge for 9 months. Its not normal, and certainly not healthy especially after she already apologised. 🌺

iklboo · 20/09/2020 10:31

Your husband is hurt and you passing it off as him punishing you is minimalising your behaviour and dismissing his feelings. He probably lost trust and respect for you that day. You were nasty and disloyal that day

And he's been nasty for nine months. He could have brought it up the day afterwards instead of dragging it out for most of a year. Yes, the OP was out of order. But he chose not to discuss it, tell OP how hurt he was and give them a chance to move on (or not).

BlueThistles · 20/09/2020 10:35

I agree, it's the 9 months I can't get past either. 9 whole months of being ice cold and ignored, that's just not normal. Never said a thing, never discussed it, expressed his upset, he accepted her apology and then carried on holding the grudge, it's cruel and unusual behaviour is what it is. 🌺

allinadaystwerk · 20/09/2020 10:36

OP what you did was not ok it should have resulted in a big conversation and could have been a deal breaker for some. But him bearing a grudge and treating you badly for 9 months rather than a dress it is also not ok. You have to ask yourself some serious questions to find out if there is anything worth saving here.

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