How would you react to your young adult child if they said they were engaged?

[Szyz2020]

I don’t know why but I have an inkling that DD who has just turned 21 is about to get

I got engaged at 20, we've been (very happily) married for 8 years now
My family were supportive which meant such a lot to me. But DH is a good egg.

Say
How wonderful
Although has the bf/gf talked to you ?
Or is this totally outdated now....my future son in law...( ten days to the wedding 😀,,) had a chat with my husband ..our daughter was 26 though !

My best friend at uni was an evangelical Christian. She got married in her final year of uni and most of her friends seemed to as well so it doesn't seem unusual to me.

My son (same age) is a hopeless romantic. He's only had two girlfriends (around 18months each) and has been convinced he was going to marry both of them. He's single.

I agree that, if it's not abusive, then congratulate her. Plenty of people get engaged but don't marry, plenty of others get married and divorce, others marry and stay so. Those are the three options.

It's her life. A you can do is make her feel safe enough with your feelings on it to come to you in the event of any problems down the line.

Or is this totally outdated now....my future son in law...( ten days to the wedding,,) had a chat with my husband ..our daughter was 26 though !

Hopefully it's totally outdated!

I wouldn't have married anyone who felt the need to talk to my dad about it first!

OP my MIL reacted In a negative way when we got engaged- we have now been married 24 years. To be honest her selfish views took the gloss off our happiness and I have not forgotten how she reacted

I got engaged at 15!! Moved out at 16!!! Best thing you can do is congratulate her and be there.
I went home at 19 when it didn't work out, I never worried about going home and no one said I told you so so it was very easy to leave him.

Thank you so much for all the comments, they have been truly helpful. I knew that we would need to look / sound positive but your experiences have really helped to the point I think we can be much more genuinely happy for her decision (and cross fingers it works out one way or another!)

The timing of this is probably working in your favour. They won’t have the money to afford to marry any time soon, if they want any sort of pomp and ceremony, and the Covid issue certainly holding most wedding plans back until at least middle of next year, for a lot of people.
To be honest, yes, it’s very young, and yes, it’s very quick. There’s a chance it’ll work out, as with so many of these other lovely stories, but there’s a far greater chance it won’t (imo), and so I don’t think there’s any need to fracture your relationship with your daughter by being anything other than supportive at this stage.
My mother, albeit with a complicated backstory of her other.. unreasonable behaviours, was less than happy when I got engaged. DH and I had been together 2.5 years and lived together for 1.5 years, and I was 24 so different in some ways, but my point is that I have never truly forgiven her for the things she felt she had the right to say about our engagement, and about my (now husband) fiancé at that time. Your daughter is an adult, and she’s in love, and being supportive means that you remain close with her, regardless of whether her relationship works out or not. Being negative will only push her away now and, if things aren’t rosy in the future, she will struggle to come to you for fear of ‘I told you so’

Lots of lovely stories of people who married young and have stayed together for umpteen years, However times have changed and I feel 21 is young.

My mum got engaged at 21 to my 25 year old father. They celebrated 51 years married last year. They got engaged 2 weeks after meeting. Still in love today.
Wouldn't recommend it though, but it worked for them.

The timing of this is probably working in your favour. They won’t have the money to afford to marry any time soon, if they want any sort of pomp and ceremony, and the Covid issue certainly holding most wedding plans back until at least middle of next year, for a lot of people

My friend thought this when her 19 year old DD got engaged to her rather controlling BF just before lockdown . They got married last month 🙄

The girl is one of my Dds friends and she didn’t tell any of them about the wedding until the week before. As you will all know this is very weird in this social media age.

Apparently she’s been “ too busy “ to see any of them since March. Even for a socially distanced walk or a coffee. She’s at uni so has been off since March and doesn't have a job. They are living in a flat his parents own.

Next thing they are waiting to hear is that she’s dropped out of her uni course. 😔 She’s a really clever girl who got AAA* and is on a very prestigious course at a top university and was on track for a great career. She’s probably already PG.

Her parents and family are worried sick.

Sorry that’s three times A star in her A levels. MN thinks I’m trying to bold.

21 isn’t a young adult child, but a woman.

I’d say congratulations.

You just say congratulations and hope for the best.

My mum was 21 when she met and married my dad, who was 26 at the time. They met, got engaged and married in the space of 3 months. They were genuinely happy until my dad passed in 2011. My mum was studying to be a teacher when they met and went on to have a really successful career, 3 kids and 4 dogs. She says when you know, you know. So, providing your DD is happy, her partner seems like a good egg, then I’d be really happy for them. Plus, an engagement isn’t particularly binding these days, it’s more a romantic sign of commitment for the couple. They could choose to be engaged for quite a while. I know a couple that have been engaged for 18 years. I got married at 30 after a long relationship and my ex husband turned out to be an abusive arsehole so I don’t think age really plays much part in the happiness and longevity of a relationship.

I dont think anyone should get married before 25, but then, thats just my opinion. I would be horrified but would congratulate and not let my fears be known, you have to play it cool or you will be out of her confidence.

Oh wow @ALLIS0N that sucks. Poor woman, hope she sees the light sooner rather than later. Her poor parents too.

I was married with a baby at 19, dont see your problem I was an adult.

and should say, we are still together over 34 years later

I would be happy for my child as long as I thought they were marrying the right person. Me and DH met at 17 and 18, and married at 20 And 21 with one DC and one in the oven! Still together after 18 years! Our families were happy for us I think.

I'd say congratulations! Have you got a ring? Can I see it? How did you/ they propose? When are you thinking of getting married? How big a hat can I wear?

I moved in with my DH after we'd been together 6 weeks. We were engaged 6 months into our relationship, I was 22. Didn't actually marry for another year and a bit after that but being young and it being a relatively short relationship didn't mean it wasn't real and good.

I have a niggling worry about this very thing with my nephew. He's 21 and has met a 20 year old who just wants to have babies. She's so dull, and I'm so sad for him. He's changed a lot since they met, all talk of travelling and living/working abroad stopped. I'm expecting 'news' imminently.

Thanks @Ughmaybenot

My DD is so upset as she thinks he’s controlling. Of course some of the others are in Team gosh it’s so romantic he swept her off her feet.