How would you react to your young adult child if they said they were engaged?

[Szyz2020]

I don’t know why but I have an inkling that DD who has just turned 21 is about to get

21? I thought you were going to say 16 - you can get married at 16 in Scotland with no parental consent.

You just have to be supportive, I think. There is a long way to go before they're married.

My dad buried his head in his hands and didn't say anything

Why the rush? We got engaged when I was 23 but we had been and lived together 2 years and had already bought a house. So if my 21 year old was engaged after a short relationship I'd not say anything negative as it's their life but i think I'd be concerned that it was too fast. Good luck to them though.

I was 21 btw. Still together and very happy 18 yrs later.

I think it's young...i have a DD20 and would be surprised to hear she was getting engaged at 21.

Like yours my DD is still in University (going into final year) and we financially support her.... so unless it was going to be a long engagement, whereby she/they became financially stable...I wouldn't be impressed tbh.

I would give her my view in a supportive and loving way, without negativity.

You don't say anything that isn't full of love and support.

Why people can't wrap their head around that I've no idea.

I'm pretty sure 50 years ago people were married with multiple children by 20?!

I got 'engaged' at 17, he was 18. He put a ring pull on my finger. IDK if I told my parents, but his said we were too young.

Luckily we didn't marry as he wasn't a good guy. Had a lot of issues, I watched him self-harm and stuff. He slapped me in the face eventually. I dumped him a couple of days later.

I'd say congratulations, which is what I said when my DD1 and DS got engaged to their respective partners at 19.

I would be disappointed but try not to show it, my DS (19) has been with his girlfriend for 18 months, she is lovely and if they were ten years older and announced their engagement I would be genuinely pleased (they haven't given any indication that they are likely to) but I just feel it is very young.

My first marriage was at age 23, it only lasted less than two years and was clearly a mistake. I married for the second time at 30 and we have been married over 30 years ...(had our DS very late ).

My DS and his GF are both at Uni, by the time they finish they will be 22/23, a few years to get their career sorted and then think about marriage is what I would think is best .

We said 'thank you for telling us' to my just turned 17yo.
That was as positive as we felt able to be.

I think it's very young. I got married at 31 and I thank my lucky stars I didn't marry the boyfriend I had at 21!

I got engaged at 20, had DS at 21 and got married at 22. My parents were fine with it and completely confused me - I was expecting them to be really annoyed that I was marrying a man twice my age with children in their teens, but they just congratulated us. It was good to feel supported in my choice.

When DSS2 got engaged at 19, we adopted the same approach but his engagement ended after a year of them living together at uni. If DS got engaged any time soon (he's 20) I would be surprised as he isn't in a relationship, but would be happy for him.

I'd be horrified if my 21 year old said he was getting engaged.
It would seem like a limiting of his options too early. I would feel he doesn't have the maturity or experience to make such a huge decision. I'd feel like he was not in a position to financially start any sort of independent life. It would just seem unnecessary at this point and slightly ridiculous.

But this is based on MY 21 year old who is a uni student, immature and still entirely financially dependent on us. It would seem a ridiculous decision.

I'd try to hide my horror though at least until DH and I were alone when I'd be WTF???? and just crossing my fingers evertything works out OK either way.

Definitely please be thrilled for the happy couple. I would rather that news ,than a pregnancy announcement !! Engagements and marriage can be reversed but not a baby.Definately go with the flow and be happy.💐

You don't say anything that isn't full of love and support.

@ScarMatty I didn't see it as bad particularly of his parents to say they thought we were too young. They're entitled to their opinion and it's not like it's an abnormal one to have.

If we had gone ahead with it I don't think they would've stood in our way or anything.

@TeenPlusTwenties Did they marry in the end? How's it going?

Dd announced at age 18 that she and her bf were getting engaged. Dh and I plastered on happy smiles and wished them well.
Our theory was that if we said anything negative and all worked out well it would never be forgotten. Likewise if it all fell apart (which it did) then we had nothing to worry about and dd wouldn't feel that we were thinking "told you so..."

Booked for next year (age21), just before DD2's GCSEs...
It's her life, but timing of actual wedding pretty inconsiderate to her sister.

Met at 18, engaged at 20, married at 21, still married 20 plus years later. We talked a lot about what was important to us and whether we were suited, faith, family, politics
etc how we would deal with money, kids, careers etc beforehand (as much as you can imagine these things). My parents said we were too young. We didn't live together first either. We are best friends. I hope they will be very happy together.

My parents were so upset and disappointed when I got engaged at 22, just before my final year at uni, that I actually phoned from abroad to tell them rather than do it face to face. I knew that they were going to take it extremely badly and I was right. DFather actually cried. It was fucking horrible.

However, 20 years on DH & I have been married almost 17 years, have 2 DC, professional careers & own our own home. None of the horrible fears that my parents had about me settling down too young and limiting my life have come to pass.

They also now like DH, which is a relief. I think him putting in the effort to be part of their family and a shared love of stinky cheeses brought them round in the end.

But their initial reaction still gives me a knot in my stomach to this day. So please try not to cry or list a million reasons why you think it's a terrible decision. Your DD might just be right about how she feels and her own plans for her life.

@TeenPlusTwenties

Booked for next year (age21), just before DD2's GCSEs... It's her life, but timing of actual wedding pretty inconsiderate to her sister.

Surely you're not serious?! You're annoyed one of your children is having a wedding close to GCSE time? Are you for real?

I wouldn't have to say anything because my face would say it all

Scar Yes I am for real. There is a MASSIVE background to all this, but booking her wedding for a school day less than 2 weeks before GCSEs are due to start, in our current family situation is pretty damn inconsiderate to her sister.

I would say Congratulations 😃 and be genuinely happy!
At 21 I had qualified as a nurse, so had a very responsible job! Definitely not a child! Had been with my now husband since I was 14 (we didn't get engaged till we were 24) but I think our parents would have been happy if we did get engaged at 21 also!

I'm pretty sure 50 years ago people were married with multiple children by 20?!*

How is this a valid point.
Not everything that happened 50 years ago is right in today's world.

Having multiple children by 20..would barely give a couple a chance to be financially stable.