How would you react to your young adult child if they said they were engaged?

[Szyz2020]

I don’t know why but I have an inkling that DD who has just turned 21 is about to get

Another one here who was engaged at 20. I was 21 a month later. My parents were completely supportive and gave us a gorgeous sentimental engagement gift and cooked us a lovely meal to celebrate. We married just over 2 years later when i was 23. This was 2013 so not long ago. Married 7 years and 1dc later we are very happy.

So if my dc was engaged at 20/21 id be completely supportive

Infact i recently told a family member- who is 40+- and recently got married after knowing her husband 6 months(!) That if i could have married dh sooner aka 21 instead of 23 i would have done

I was engaged twice before it led to an actual wedding, and this engagement may go the same way, lots do.

Surely you're not serious?! You're annoyed one of your children is having a wedding close to GCSE time? Are you for real?

@ScarMatty What's wrong with that? DD2 will have revision and stuff she needs to be doing- the outcome of her GCSEs is important.

Another positive story here - engaged at 22, married at 24. Parents were delighted. We're still together, have good jobs, have a DS and are very happy. My DH is a bit older than me though, and we were both at Uni when engaged but neither of us was taking parental contributions. My parents did contribute to the wedding though for which I am very grateful.

Partner purposed on my 21st after a few months together now been together 3 and a half years and 2 kids

My DH proposed on my 21st birthday. We’d been together since I was very nearly 19 and he was 21. We already had DD1 at this point. We got married when I was 24 and we’re now expecting DD2 any day now and I’m 26. I can’t imagine my life with anyone else. I’ve known he was the one for me since we started going out.

We got engaged at 22. We didn't get married until we were 27 though. Though admittedly we'd been together 4 years when we got engaged, so our families were thrilled. We were young, but it was never raised as we were so solid.

For what it's worth, I'd have said yes no matter when he asked me.

We're now 38 and have been together for 20 years (last week in fact). Two DC.

You've said you have an inkling. What's giving you the inkling?

No I don’t think I’d like it but I’d pretend to be happy. My dd1 is 25 and has travelled the world with her work. She wouldn’t have been able to do that if she was lumbered with a dh and kids.

A women’s life is much more difficult than a mans especially when babies come along. I wanted her to have as much freedom as possible before babies and a dh clipped her wings

But I’d I would have looked happy and opened the fizz then had a bit of a cry when they’d gone

@TeenPlusTwenties

Scar Yes I am for real. There is a MASSIVE background to all this, but booking her wedding for a school day less than 2 weeks before GCSEs are due to start, in our current family situation is pretty damn inconsiderate to her sister.

It's one day. And to be honest, your other DD will probably be glad of the opportunity to not have her head in her books all day. If she's prepared, one day off won't hurt but then I went to NYC during my study leave

I'm surprised most people are fine with this idea.
Most of my friends have 19-21 year olds and it would seem bizarre and ridiculous to all of us I'm sure if they said they were getting married.
They still all seem like kids.

This is a: my world vs Mumsnet world clash for me.

I think I’d voice concerns about the relationship if I had them, regardless of the age.

But age alone wouldn’t cause concern.

I was engaged at 22. I don’t think it was particularly young. My parents were delighted. They’ve always liked my now DH and knew we were happy and serious about each other.

Tbh I wouldn't be happy if my 21 year old dd said she was engaged. Especially to someone she was going out with for less than a year AND with 2 years left in college. I know it works out for lots of others but personally I think that's very young to get married. And after way too short a time. As you get older, I think you know sooner the type of person and the type of relationship you want but 21 is young. Why not just stay going out together? Why the need to get so officially tied down at 21? Ideally I would like my child to have a few different relationships before marriage, to finish college, hopefully travel abroad (perhaps with their boyfriend) and broaden their horizons before marriage. My best friend is very happily married for 17 years to the man she's been with since they were 16 so it does work for some but they didnt get married til their mid 20's. If it was my daughter, I certainly wouldnt state my disapproval when they announced it. I would congratulate them but would definitely gently talk to her and try and persuade her to hold off for awhile.

My MIL was married at 19 and had children at 21, but that was pretty much what her life had been mapped out to be. Her parents didn't encourage her to do well at 11plus as grammar school wasn't for the likes of their family and she was only going to get married and have babies so didn't need a career. Her marriage didn't last.

Getting engaged at 21 seems young to me as I was wanting to be independent and live my life before settling down.

I was engaged at 22 after 4 months together, married at 23, still married 16 years later.

I still think I'd have been too young at 21and might have gone for a longer engagement. DM got married at 19 so couldn't say a thing!

Engaged at 20, married at 21. 43rd wedding anniversary tomorrow. My offspring got engaged and married in their mid thirties. I do now wish I was a younger grand parent as mine were. My bones ache from crawling around on the floor for hours on end

Funnily enough my grandmother got married at 31, a long courtship which apparently was the norm. for a catholic woman who did not want a lot of children.

@SoulofanAggron @TeenPlusTwenties

If DD has revised properly and efficiently, 1 day off so close to the exams will make sod all difference,

I actually cannot believe you're so dramatic about it.

It's 1 day, and not even a full day at that

All you can say is ‘congratulations’!

Bit surprised at the ‘it’s not young’ comments.....Umm it certainly is to those of us who did long degrees. Halfway through med school wasn’t actually considered a good time to get married for anyone I knew.

It’s always relative to your social circles I suppose.

I was engaged at 21. Married at 23.
Divorced at 26

I would say the right things but inside id be horrified. I’ve been with my DH since I was 18 and I’m in my 50s but I wouldn’t have dreamed of getting married for a good few years. If they are getting engaged after a year it shows how immature they are. What’s the rush.

Got engaged on DH's 21st after 9 months together. It is our 29th wedding anniversary tomorrow. I have never forgiven my PILs comment of "What's the rush".
Neither age nor length of relationship is a guarantee of a long and happy marriage.
My DC are around that age now and I would try hard to be supportive of their decisions.

I was engaged at 20 and been married for 16 years, together for nearly 19. I would be supportive if one of my dc got engaged young because you end up pushing them away otherwise.

I would congratulate them. Honestly, if you voice your objections they probably wouldn't take any notice. Many young people get engaged and then don't take the next step for years anyway. Just be happy, and be there if anything goes wrong in the future.

I would congratulate them, but not take it too seriously. Don't offer money towards the wedding hopefully that slows it down a few years. If they are looking at getting married soon perhaps try to slip into the conversation that they will be expected to support themselves, as they are adults and all. They sound a bit immature, I would try to encourage them to wait.

If it's right it's right. People even marry while at medical school:

marriedtodoctors.com/71-being-married-in-medical-school-can-be-pretty-darn-good/

Sure, there are challenges but what marriage isn't going to face those?

As with all marriages, only time will tell.

But definitely keep the lines of communication open with your DD.

I imagine you don't know the fiancée if it's a uni relationship - I would appear surprised but pleased and hold back on offers to pay for wedding, help with rent etc