Concerns about DW and therapist - am I paranoid?

[StonedRoses]

I’ve posted before about my concerns about the Male therapist has been seeing for the last three years. Let’s call him John. He’s a little unorthodox and the process has lead to my DW going nc with her entire family. I’ve really no idea about whether the memories they have unearthed are correct or not. But that’s a side issue to today

One of my concerns has been the frequency of contact. Often 2-3 times a week. Text and email between and often arranged at short notice. There have been emergency they sit sessions, sometimes meeting at a local park or in the car

This week she told me on Friday at 5pm she had a phone call with John at 6. Then she left the house to make the call from the car, for privacy of course. However she then drove off and come back a couple of hours later.
Again yesterday her scheduled session is Thursday. Mid afternoon she text me to say she has another session straight after work

A friend of mine who can be a bit cynical has said to me ‘are you sure there’s nothing else going on’. And it’s got me thinking. I’m sure there isn’t and I hate feeling paranoid. But even so it does feel like current contact is OTT and rather eating into family time.

@StonedRoses

There is no way I am tracking her or following her or anything like that. I just can’t do it. Because doing that is tantamount it saying I don’t trust her. I can’t bring myself to do it. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and that’s if there is anything wrong going on

What about if someone is abusing your wife (as in abusing a position of trust?)

What if John is the abuser and your wife the victim.

If you were to employ a private detective/track her you might do two things

1. Check if she's having an affair - and frankly that might be a relief compared to the fact that she might be being abused by John.
2. Check if "john" has previously been reported for unethical therapy behaviour.

OP have you discussed with DW when she will have felt she's achieved what she wanted through therapy? Is she making progress or feeling like she's healing? How will she need to feel, what progress will she need to have made, to enable her to stop or at least reduce?
If you start exploring this with her I think it will be revealing.
If she can't imagine her life without John in it, and doesn't see leaving therapy or a life with less therapy as desirable, that's not normal for a therapeutic relationship.
FWIW it sounds to me like he's a complete charlatan and you've both been horribly and cruelly scammed, sorry to say it.

First thing I thought was “fuck me, £50 a session three times a week is £600 a months for three years, 21.5k in therapy?”

And then you said it was £60 where you are.

Nah, she’s not telling you the truth.

And then there's the money for meter. Car parks aren't cheap.

For Christs sake move in and protect her.
This is all sorts of wrong

Go to the GP,
Go to the police

Do whatever to sort this out
Go and talk to the therapist
Record the conversation

She sounds like shes being brainwashed
Sorry this is happening to you but this is your wife, stop worrying about social norms
I think it has gone further than that.
Whatevers going on, you need answers !

Next time she's made an 'impromptu' appointment call his office and check whether he's working.
This does not sound at all professional - do keep a diary record of all 'appointments'.
Maybe ask her straight up what's going on?
Good luck.

This all sounds very worrying. You say her sister is unaware of anything happening in your wife’s childhood... is your wife still in touch with her sister?

I am so sorry for this awful situation but if this is all at you have described, the your wife is being groomed and manipulated by a dangerous man. She is a vulnerable adult and it should be possible to report this to the police and perhaps adult social services. First step I would say is for you to make an appointment with your GP as I can't imagine the stress you are under. They may be able to advise on how to progress raising a concern .

Hey OP
I've read back a few of your old threads...
You sound like a lovely man
You also sound like you've been wrestling with the situation with "John" and the general unhappiness in your marriage for years. I feel so sad reading some of your posts.
I don't mean to derail the thread but it seemed like you'd resolved to leave, about 1 or 2 years ago, after it all got a bit much with the John situation. What happened, why did you stay?

I’ve stayed for a few reasons
Firstly and fundamentally I still love my wife, and I hope the old her comes back soon. We married for a reason and that’s still true
I worry she is vulnerable and me leaving might make things worse for her and her health. She has not contact with her family (because of her memories) and has drifted away from a lot of her friends
I don’t want to be a weekend Disney dad and want to be there for my children properly. I fear separation could get messy
I cling to some forlorn hope that somehow this whole situation will resolve itself
I don’t have a clue how we’d sort the finances out. I wouldn’t want her or the children to leave the house but I don’t think I can afford the mortgage on two properties, and she couldn’t afford this mortgage alone
Finally I’m trying to be a decent chap and do the right thing. And not dump anyone in it

Basically it’s a mess

I think of it we’re just the two of us then I probably would. Because the whole situation is sometimes too complicated to cope with. Even though I have no intention of ever meeting anyone else. But life is messier and more complicated. And it’s not just about me

It's so shit. I'm sorry.
There's a lot of stuff for you yourself to work through.
If you conclude he's a charlatan, how far are you willing to push your wife for change?
If she refuses to accept her "therapy" is making things worse (not least, for your marriage) at what point do you draw your own lines? How long will you put up with this for?
What is stopping you really stepping up and insisting on changes? What are you afraid of?
In the end, you will need to decide where your own boundaries are here, I'm afraid, and you need to assert them, because it's not going to suddenly improve if you wish hard enough - it's been years.

Something is very sinister about this therapist. Your wife is unwell and it seems very likely this man is a dangerous charleton.

I have no idea what you can do, but this is crazy.

He is brainwashing her and she isn't well.

It just doesn't make sense.

He sounds like Rasputin or some weird Charles Manson type cult dominator.

Or your wife and he are conducting an affair under your nose with a convaluted abuse story which all seems a bit extreme,

The third option is that your wife has been abused and he is really helping her.

This is a nightmare for you OP
You can't go on not knowing, it's eating you up
You seem a lovely man but surely it's time to take your head out of the sand and find out.

If it was me I'd do anything after three years of uncertainty.
Bug her car.
Hire a PI

Sorry but I think you have been too patient.

I’m trying to be a decent chap and do the right thing. And not dump anyone in it

I don't understand what you mean by this? Why are you so passive about this situation? You mentioned before your wife is an adult and can make her own decisions. If you truly believe that, then why are you posting on here?

You sounds so reluctant to challenge a clearly deeply inappropriate relationship that is likely actively harming your wife. The BEST case scenario is that she is lying about the therapy to cover up for an affair (with the therapist or another person).

At worst you are standing by letting a dangerous man control and manipulate your wife and doing nothing about it.

I am starting to think you are not a decent chap at all.

Thanks for the kick in the teeth
I have spent the last few years agonising other what is the right thing to do. How to protect my wife from either her abusers or her therapy. Because I don’t know or understand what is going on She clearly believes in this and so I have to tread carefully. Because i don’t know what’s going on and not believing her could be really bad for her. I have raised my concerns about her therapist with her and the professional body. And got nowhere
If I wasn’t trying to do the right thing for my family I’d have walked out long ago

I might be clueless, I may be useless or wet or doing the wrong thing but it’s certainly not with malicious intent

By not dumping anyone in it - I mean not leaving my wife by herself or accusing the therapist of something that maybe devastating for his career of false

Then I don’t see what any of us can do or suggest for you any more.

You’ve actually all been very helpful by making me think. And giving viewpoints. Because all I have so far is mine and my wifes

I don’t know what to do, but it’s clear something isn’t right and it can’t carry on. I don’t know what to do - that’s the next step

Speak to a professional person eg a GP

You need to see a marriage counselor. If your wife refuses to go with you, you should go by yourself. If this is an affair, her choosing John over your marriage will show it. If she is being brainwashed by John then an impartial therapist should be able to recognize it. You say you want to protect your children. Living in this situation can't be good for them. There may come a time when you have to man up and say "Wife, it's either us or John. If you choose John then I will fight for full custody of the children." You have been passive long enough.

Have you asked her what she does when she goes off for two hours after her one hour phone appt with John?

I have to say, this story rings massive alarm bells. Of course childhood photos are not staged.

The stories seem extremely unlikely and John's insistence that no-one else be involved in her "therapy" (by the way, all therapists have supervisors, where is his?) or for her to have other input is very dodgy.

Simply - he sounds like a charlatan who is causing her massive damage.

But I don't know what you can do as she is an adult and has to make her own decisions. This must be a damaging environment for your kids though.

The problem is OP her memories of SRA (if that’s what it is) would be so traumatic that she most likely would have had to repress them to survive. Survivors of SRA are often not believed because most people can’t comprehend that such evil can exist in the world. SRA is real and can happen in outwardly normal families and would in fact involve many many people. Its well documented in some cultures and yet we don’t believe that it can happen or exist in the UK?!

Survives of SRA are often not believed which is just heartbreaking and is often why they don’t speak out. Unless she is mentally unstable I don’t see why she would manufacture such a horrific story and cut off her entire family even if coached into it by her therapist any sane person wouldn’t just go along with what’s being suggested.

I feel sad for your wife as now she also has a whole forum of others not believing her trauma which is probably why she’s relying on her therapist so much.