Concerns about DW and therapist - am I paranoid?

[StonedRoses]

I’ve posted before about my concerns about the Male therapist has been seeing for the last three years. Let’s call him John. He’s a little unorthodox and the process has lead to my DW going nc with her entire family. I’ve really no idea about whether the memories they have unearthed are correct or not. But that’s a side issue to today

One of my concerns has been the frequency of contact. Often 2-3 times a week. Text and email between and often arranged at short notice. There have been emergency they sit sessions, sometimes meeting at a local park or in the car

This week she told me on Friday at 5pm she had a phone call with John at 6. Then she left the house to make the call from the car, for privacy of course. However she then drove off and come back a couple of hours later.
Again yesterday her scheduled session is Thursday. Mid afternoon she text me to say she has another session straight after work

A friend of mine who can be a bit cynical has said to me ‘are you sure there’s nothing else going on’. And it’s got me thinking. I’m sure there isn’t and I hate feeling paranoid. But even so it does feel like current contact is OTT and rather eating into family time.

[justilou1]

If indeed she is seeing the therapist under these conditions, then he is abusive and highly, highly dangerous. He is using his power as her therapist to manipulate her (and you) into dropping everything and running whenever he makes himself available and playing mind games with an extremely vulnerable woman. Taking money from you to pay for this is another power trip. Classic narcissist. I would call the police, tbh.
If she is lying and seeing someone romantically, which is what I think you suspect is really happening here, you need to man up and face the music. You are not just being lied to, but you are lying to yourself to keep her cover - being complicit and helping her maintain the image of the soggy husband who cannot be the man she will ever respect. If she is using her therapist as an excuse to cover a lie, she is potentially damaging his professional reputation. He would need to know. (I suspect that she hasn’t been seeing him at all for quite some time.)
Either way, action is required and you need to get to the bottom of it. Find out the truth - no matter how painful it may be, then decide the correct course of action.

[SoulofanAggron]

I would call the police, tbh.

@justilou1 Unfortuntely the police won't do anything about it. I know because I went to the police about my narc therapist (not mine) ex. I have bipolar and a severe mental health disability, and was in a hypomanic episode for some of it, which he knew.

The police (wrongly) only treat it as non-consensual if the person's so intellectually impaired that they can't speak or something.

If it isn't even the person themselves reporting it, they'd be even less likely to do anything about it.

If he is having an affair with her then it is a breach of the professional code of conduct (assuming he's in BACP or something) and it would be worth OP reporting it to them if he had evidence of an affair.

[SoulofanAggron]

@balancebike Saying 'recovered memory therapy' is B.S, when at times it's led to people falsely claiming their parents murdered babies in front of them and sacrificed them to Satan, is not disparaging therapy as a profession.

There are thousands of schools of therapy and saying that for instance conversion therapy isn't good, isn't disparaging the whole profession, just those that practice certain types of therapy- who by doing so are working unethically and not in an evidence-based way.

[BalthazarImpresario]

I'm a therapist and would day that if it is a therapeutic relationship his boundaries are way off but every approach is different, I'd be seeing which membership body he is with and checking out their ethical frame work.

Multiple sessions a week aren't uncommon but more with psychoanalysis and even then the contract it off session would not be the norm.

therapy sadly is not regulated which means anyone can set themselves up without full training /membership and practice hours they wish. Even those trained and registered can have a unique approach but as a therapist I'm thinking oooh no, but my boundaries with clients are very robust.

As a non therapist in thinking, somethings going on there

[EarthSight]

Sounds suspicious. Read up on 'transference'. It happens to people and their therapists at times and he might be taking advantage of that.

You don't have to report him, but I would absolutely call his board of therapists in the U.K and ask to speak to someone higher up for advice (remember you'll be through to a receptionist when you first ring). Tell them what's been going on and see what they say.

[ALLIS0N]

Well you clearly don’t trust her or you wouldn’t be posting here.

So just talk to her about it and / or check out what she is telling you.

Either she’s having an affair with John or someone else.

Or she’s being exploited by an unethical therapist.

[balancebike]

[quote SoulofanAggron]@balancebike Saying 'recovered memory therapy' is B.S, when at times it's led to people falsely claiming their parents murdered babies in front of them and sacrificed them to Satan, is not disparaging therapy as a profession.

There are thousands of schools of therapy and saying that for instance conversion therapy isn't good, isn't disparaging the whole profession, just those that practice certain types of therapy- who by doing so are working unethically and not in an evidence-based way.[/quote]
I didn't say that recovered memory therapy was bullshit so I've no idea why you addressed that to me.

I said you can't sue someone because your child goes no contact with you. I also pointed out the link between BPD and abuse as the poster appeared to think that a BPD diagnosis is some kind of gotcha that proves someone hasn't been abused, when in fact the two are commonly linked.

[pooopypants]

@stonedroses if you trusted her, you wouldn't have questioned her actions or posted here. Obviously it's completely up to you whether you do or don't follow her but if you did, you'd have your answer either way. If she's with her therapist and all is above board (so to speak), you'll know where you stand.

[TheMistressQuickly]

She’s not meeting John. Sorry.

[readyornot7]

I personally don’t think she’s seeing anyone else so I’m not sure why so many others are jumping to that conclusion.

This is why I’m not really a fan of therapy. I know some therapists genuinely want to help but they also make a living out of repeat clients for a year + by digging into the past and re triggering trauma. I think your wife is deeply struggling with whats been brought up in these sessions and he’s purely taking advantage of the situation. It sounds like she’s become dependent on him as he probably feels like the only safe place she can discuss these issues and now it’s developed into an unhealthy coping mechanism for her.

You need to speak to her OP and let her know that her dependence on him isn’t healthy. But I don’t think anything is going on between them or with anyone else.

[Sunflower1970]

My husband looks like Jeremy Corbyn And I fancy the pants off him!! She is clearly Having an affair

[rosecakequeen]

There is no therapist.

[RantyAnty]

At this point, it would be wise to either follow her or hire an investigator. Then you will know what is going on.
If it is the therapist being unethical, you'll be in a better position to protect her.

[Timetochoose123]

There are all sorts of unethical boundaries being crossed here. You are right to be concerned. Either she is seeing a highly unprofessional therapist or she's using him as a cover for something else. You are not daft there's something really not right here. Emergency appointments happen but not often and NEVER in a car. If he is not ukcp registered I'd be extra concerned, if he specialises in trauma this indicates he is specialist and has undergone a lengthier training which usually comes with a UKCP registration. 3 sessions a week is how many analysts work however that would have been written on his website as it is a very particular training.

Somethings not right here. Sadly in this case I'd be doing two things, taking a much closer look at the therapists credentials (although not all therapists are ethical, like any job there is always the possibilities of a bad apple sadly) and I would perhaps take an extreme measure of checking up on here whereabouts.

[Frownette]

Have you looked into this yet?

Doesn't seem right. I cut the time short with my counsellor last week because I said when visting my family gets me stressed, this is what I do (short vid). Basically hide in the binstore. She responded ha ha but I wouldn't take up any time of hers outside of hours, that's why I kept it short and within our allocated times.

Does your wife not have any realisation about this? It's time to talk. Seems a really weird situation.

[StonedRoses]

Thanks again everyone. Believe me I have tried to do everything I can to find a way through this situation - but really stuck. And of course it’s having an impact on me, and everyone else instead.
I had never thought of the possibility of seeing anyone other than John before. It was only my cynical friend who mentioned it. I’m really not convinced this is what’s happening, but wanted views so asked on her. John definitely exists, he was recommended by someone else and I’ve dropped her off at his house before.

With regards to the therapy - again I dont know to do. We have talked and talked about it. Sadly it usually ends in an argument. She is convinced this is the right approach. And there is an answer for every concern. She won’t consider seeing anyone else or a second opinion as she feels only John understands her. She knows I do not feel happy with the process but she feels it is right for her.

As to the memories these really confuse me. I want to believe her and support her but I’m struggling. What she describes makes no sense in many places. It is the most horrific vile story involving hundreds of people. There is no corroborating evidence, her sister is unaware of any of it. Some of it does not seem right at all. One issue was that she said her parents never had a birthday party for her. Yet there are hundreds of photos of such parties. The therapist thinks (or that’s what I’ve been told) that these are staged or doctored photos.
So I have read and read, and studied and still more confused than ever. I have drawn a complete blank in speaking to the professional body - they won’t discuss it with me and their guidance is very vague

I’m left trying to keep things going. I don’t want to break up a family but of course this has a huge impact on us all. To be frank she isn’t the person I married. It’s probably jealousy but I feel very much that he’s a third person in our marriage. The impromptu appts, texts, phone calls and emails eat into our family time and have really spoilt family days
BUT
If only a tiny bit of this is correct then she has been to hell and back and deserves all my love and support. Which is why I’ve tried to investigate whilst still supporting her.

[wowfudge]

If this therapist actually exists he sounds like a con artist. Or your wife is having an affair. Or an affair with this so-called therapist.

You've said you won't follow her, but of you want to know what's actually going on you either talk to her and ask her to tell you the truth or pay someone to follow her.

If all this stuff is coming from the therapist he sounds like a dangerous, manipulative person.

As I've been typing this reply another explanation has come to mind: that he simply doesn't exist and your wife has had some sort of breakdown or is using this invented person as an excuse to take time away without explaining why.

[Sssloou]

Reading between the lines I am assuming it is historic childhood sexual abuse. Could you ask her to take it to the police to investigate?

[wowfudge]

What I mean is that there is no one else involved and she's just taking time out without being truthful.

[GreyShadow]

Your cynical friend sounds like a wise old owl. Does she know your wife? If so ask her what she thinks. She may have just been gently guiding you to open your eyes.

It sounds from what you've written here that's your wife is gaslighting you, you're beginning to feel mad and a paranoid.

We're strangers on the internet we know nothing about relationship, so ask someone can see more that we can. Ask that cynical friend what she honesty thinks. She may even know more!!

The poor therapist being accused of all sorts when you don't even know it's him she's seeing. Have even you dropped her off at his door recently???

I don't know you or your relationship but from reading on here she's playing you for a fool.

I'd run to the hills!

[Sssloou]

What else is going on in your RS?

It doesn’t sound like you are emotionally intimidate - could this be an emotional affair?

Are you still having sex as usual?

[StonedRoses]

@Sssloou

Reading between the lines I am assuming it is historic childhood sexual abuse. Could you ask her to take it to the police to investigate?

It is indeed. Of the most vile kind. From birth to when she went to uni at 18.
Police have been discussed. Therapist not keen - and neither is she - because feel it could make her health worse again. No corroboration or evidence, so worries the police may not take it seriously enough. Until three years ago my wife had no idea any of this had occurred to her, and thought she had a normal childhood. With the usual family arguments and problems of course, but nothing even hinting at this

[Jason118]

I think John is being a manipulative shit. Up to the age of 18 and no memories until recently, really? Either your wife is being hypnotised permanently or you are being played. Either way, John is the problem not the solution, therapy or not.

[Sssloou]

Have a read through this:

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_memory_syndrome

[SecretDoor]

Really sounds like she is being manipulated and fleeced for £££.
Not sure what they could do but might be worth telling her GP what's been going on with your concerns about John