Concerns about DW and therapist - am I paranoid?

[StonedRoses]

I’ve posted before about my concerns about the Male therapist has been seeing for the last three years. Let’s call him John. He’s a little unorthodox and the process has lead to my DW going nc with her entire family. I’ve really no idea about whether the memories they have unearthed are correct or not. But that’s a side issue to today

One of my concerns has been the frequency of contact. Often 2-3 times a week. Text and email between and often arranged at short notice. There have been emergency they sit sessions, sometimes meeting at a local park or in the car

This week she told me on Friday at 5pm she had a phone call with John at 6. Then she left the house to make the call from the car, for privacy of course. However she then drove off and come back a couple of hours later.
Again yesterday her scheduled session is Thursday. Mid afternoon she text me to say she has another session straight after work

A friend of mine who can be a bit cynical has said to me ‘are you sure there’s nothing else going on’. And it’s got me thinking. I’m sure there isn’t and I hate feeling paranoid. But even so it does feel like current contact is OTT and rather eating into family time.

If tell her frankly 'I believe john is brainwashing you. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you from the monsters of your past but I'll be damned if I sit around and watch you be taken in by another one now. If you won't stop seeing john then at least seek another professional opinion alongside his'.

Whether he’s having an affair with your DW or not, it’s clear that John is not helping her to recover from whatever she’s been traumatised by. IMO you need to step in OP (easier said than done, I know).

So here we are. She may be using John as cover, John may be misguided or worse. Or I might be going out my mind and jumping to the wrong conclusions. Who knows?

You are not jumping to the wrong conclusions. Please stop doubting yourself. No- one else on this thread thinks their relationship is normal and/or healthy.

Are you sure she isn't just using the therapy as an excuse and she's meeting up with someone else?
I can't imagine a therapist putting his career on the line like that.

Could you put a tracker in the car and see where she’s actually going when she goes off for a 2 hour phone call ?
Or see if she’s still going to his office or a different address?

I think you need to be careful, depending on how complex your wife's issues are. I've seen many many thearpists over the years and they all operate slightly differently. I've had thearpists who were strictly 'once a week' with no contact between, ever, to others who have given me personal mobile numbers and advised me to text them before I completely melt down so that I dont get to the critical point. Tbh the most effective thearpist that I've made the most progress with is somewhere between those two examples. I do have a crisis number to call if I really needed to, and I am absolutely confident that if I called right now she would arrange an 'emergency' meeting in the next 24hours - 48 hours at most. I've also met thearpists in unconventional places, in my car (my safe space) and in coffee shops have both featured at various points. It is of course possible that your wife is not being honest with you, but its not a million miles from experiences I've had with a number of different thearpists either.

Thoughts on following DW to her next 'appointment' OP?

There is no way I am tracking her or following her or anything like that. I just can’t do it. Because doing that is tantamount it saying I don’t trust her. I can’t bring myself to do it. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and that’s if there is anything wrong going on

You sound a lovely considerate husband so long as you can turn a blind eye, I may get flamed but you also sound incredibly wet.
You’re concerned for your wife and you have doubts, yet you won’t accept that you need to deal with that doubt in any way, shape or form.

You don’t sound like you want to approach her about it to discuss anything at all. Even if the best way to do that may be to question it financially, and go from there.

You don’t want to investigate what’s actually going on and to be honest I think you make excuses because you don’t want to know the answer.

Believe me I hope for your sake it’s all genuine but I believe it’s not and deep down I think you know that too. Good luck, I hope you find the courage to broach the elephant in the room, after 3 years I personally thinks it’s time.

I think you need to look into what's going on if this really is a therapist I'd be worried about his intentions. She went with one reason, and he uncovered hidden memories that perfectly match his speciality.

I think you are right not to follow her if it is purely to see if she is up to something...

But wrong not to end things with her if she continues on the path she is on iregardless of your feelings.

If she wont even consider taking a second psychiatrists opinion despite your concerns...and she continues to spend money like water on this quack, then she shows how little she regards you and the relationship. Give her an ultimatum. It isn't a big ask for her to see another therapist alongside her current one for a bit. Heck, just a few sessions.

Also, sitting back and doing nothing may be noble in some respects but not if she is in genuine risk. It is cowardly. If you love her enough, make a last push to protect her. And if she doesnt love you enough to do this small thing, then walk away. Because you deserve more.

And then tbf, you could follow her to find out what she was up to xD

She should see someone in the nhs, even if just for an assessment. It's a lot more regulated and evidence based.

Any old hack can do an online certificate and call themselves a therapist in private practice.

I believed the BS my exH told me to explain his behaviour, because I wanted to believe him. What I should have done when I first had doubts was to hire a private investigator to follow him, it would have saved a lot of time and heartache. If your DW is where she's supposed to be be she never needs to know.

If you do follow her to find out and it's all above board then you will just have to live with the thought that, once, for a short time, you didn't trust your wife. Given the evidence I think it's a risk I'd take.

I'd be following her.

Your concerns are justified so don't feel bad about doing a little detective work.

Sadly my guess would be the therapy is a cover for something else.

A woman I know had a similar relationship with her therapist, and this therapist uncovered ' buried memories' which were actually false memories. The woman was eventually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and the parents, who had been NCd sued her

Probably totally irrelevant but your story reminded me of this.

YouokHun. Just to clarify that BACP registration means you have completed recognised therapy training, are in regular supervision for your clinical work and undertake CPD. Accreditation is by application and is used to recognise added experience. However, people should not feel a non-accredited BACP member is any less well qualified to practice (some choose not to apply for accreditation especially if in private practice, as accreditation tends to be something employers ask for).

Oh and this therapist appears to have major boundary issues.

I’m not greatly familiar with the world of counselling, but I hazard a guess the behaviour that you’ve described is NOT normal on any conventional measure. There are two (maybe three) plausible causes, none favouring your wife’s (or your marriage) long term health.

1. Unconventional and probably incompetent therapy. The evidence for its unconventionality is testimony from many of the other posters including other therapists and the fact that it’s gone on for so long without any tangible benefit - indeed it seems to be snowballing.
2. An affair with the therapist. The reasons are obvious.
3. She’s meeting someone else and using therapy as a cover.

In any case, you’re obliged to investigate which of the three is occurring, for your wife, for you and for your partnership. Someone said above that you are "wet". I disagree. I think you’re trusting and perhaps naive.

I’m convinced that on the information you’ve supplied, no good is likely to come of this. This is not conventional, whatever "this" is. You need to investigate. Me? I’d simply follow her. Suss out what was going on. You need to be fully informed (forearmed) before you can decide what to do next.

All the best, pal.

@tornadoalley

A woman I know had a similar relationship with her therapist, and this therapist uncovered ' buried memories' which were actually false memories. The woman was eventually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and the parents, who had been NCd sued her

Probably totally irrelevant but your story reminded me of this.

This is a very dangerous claim to make.

The parents of a grown adult 'sued a therapist'. For what exactly?

You can't 'sue' someone because your adult child doesn't want to see you.

Equally you seem to be equating borderline personality disorder with no evidence of abuse. When in fact a history of childhood trauma is a key risk factor for BPD.

Please try to engage brain before badmouthing a profession of which you clearly know nothing.

Op I’m pretty sure that ‘repressed memories’ has been largely debunked. Your wife’s therapist sounds incredibly unprofessional regardless. A quick look on google will tell you if his methods are sound or not. www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201910/forget-me-not-the-persistent-myth-repressed-memories%3famp

"You sound a lovely considerate husband so long as you can turn a blind eye, I may get flamed but you also sound incredibly wet.
You’re concerned for your wife and you have doubts, yet you won’t accept that you need to deal with that doubt in any way, shape or form.

You don’t sound like you want to approach her about it to discuss anything at all. Even if the best way to do that may be to question it financially, and go from there.

You don’t want to investigate what’s actually going on and to be honest I think you make excuses because you don’t want to know the answer."

This. In fact, I'd go one step further and say you are letting yourself, your wife and possibly your children (if you have any) down by allowing this situation to continue without challenging it. It's not some huge shameful wrong to mistrust someone if they are behaving in a way calculated to undermine your trust, nor is it a huge shameful wrong to act on that mistrust by e.g. following her.

Something is very wrong here. You know it is. Personally, I think the most likely explanation is that appropriate and healthy boundaries have been completely destroyed and your wife, at a vulnerable time, has been persuaded to feel like she cannot manage without this therapist. He, in the meantime, is probably getting off on this in all kinds of unhealthy ways. She has clearly been too deeply sucked in to be able to see any of this clearly. But if this process were actually assisting her, she would not need this level of intensive therapy three years on. So it's clearly not helping her.

I think your wife is at risk from this person and it's time you became more active in working out what is going on and seeing how it should be addressed. It may be that the thing is hopeless and cannot be fixed. But you should at least try. For me, this would include asking her about it and possibly also following her. Yes, she may be having an affair with this man or with someone else. But if she's having an affair with him that is completely wrong and is an abuse of power on his part. She needs to be protected from that if she possibly can be. If she's having an affair with someone else, then you will at least have a better idea of how matters truly stand within your marriage.

In a situation like this, there comes a time when you need to make a stand to protect your marriage and your family. I think that time is now.

[quote LoungeLizardLhama]Op I’m pretty sure that ‘repressed memories’ has been largely debunked. Your wife’s therapist sounds incredibly unprofessional regardless. A quick look on google will tell you if his methods are sound or not. www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201910/forget-me-not-the-persistent-myth-repressed-memories%3famp[/quote]
This. Please read up on the ‘repressed memory’ scandal linked to some charlatan “therapists” in the 90s. Whoever your wife is seeing sounds very suspicious to me.

This guy is an example of a therapist who works with dissociation and uncovers repressed memories. It is very possible that your wife is working with someone similar with the potential to do a lot of damage to her.