Concerns about DW and therapist - am I paranoid?

[StonedRoses]

I’ve posted before about my concerns about the Male therapist has been seeing for the last three years. Let’s call him John. He’s a little unorthodox and the process has lead to my DW going nc with her entire family. I’ve really no idea about whether the memories they have unearthed are correct or not. But that’s a side issue to today

One of my concerns has been the frequency of contact. Often 2-3 times a week. Text and email between and often arranged at short notice. There have been emergency they sit sessions, sometimes meeting at a local park or in the car

This week she told me on Friday at 5pm she had a phone call with John at 6. Then she left the house to make the call from the car, for privacy of course. However she then drove off and come back a couple of hours later.
Again yesterday her scheduled session is Thursday. Mid afternoon she text me to say she has another session straight after work

A friend of mine who can be a bit cynical has said to me ‘are you sure there’s nothing else going on’. And it’s got me thinking. I’m sure there isn’t and I hate feeling paranoid. But even so it does feel like current contact is OTT and rather eating into family time.

OP I wonder if the therapist is being used as an excuse here?

The OP has had concerns for a long time @Windmillwhirl.

[quote MrsElijahMikaelson1]@myworkingtitle have you considered therapy for that?[/quote]
best thing I've seen all day!

I don't think she is seeing her therapist OP. Think it's a cover story.

If her backstory is sex abuse by her father, uncle, grandfather, older man then that may explain why she's so hung up on this much older "therapist" who wants to hug her, etc etc. :-((((

It sounds terribly unhealthy, and  I'm surprised at the  "its ok"  response from his professional body. 

Surely, the point of her therapy is to enable her to handle her own relationships; so it seems reasonable for you to talk to her about your suspicions and hear her POV.

I have attended many therapists over the years and never, ever have they given me their personal phone number, we've never text or emailed each other. Never have they been able to meet me at short notice, never have they met me in their car or outside their office, never have I had a payment plan, never have they wanted to hug me. In fact, when at a session it's at the end when the next appointment is made, if you need to contact them you go through their secretary/receptionist on the land line.

They charge hourly fees, it wouldn't be worth their while doing reduced fees for extra meet ups, not when they can have a full paying client sitting in the chair. All face to face therapies have been cancelled since beginning of April and are being conducted through face time.

Are you sure she's telling you the truth? What I expect is going on is she may be having one session a week, as it's not common to be having 3 per week + extras, after 3 years, and is meeting someone else.

If it were me, I'd sit down and ask her how she feels her therapies are going, I would suggest that she try a different therapist, see how she reacts, see what she says, if she is being taken in by this therapist at least you will have gotten her away from him, if she having an affair which I'm more inclined to think is happening, then she will be defensive, won't want to make changes etc either way something is very wrong here and you need to nip it in the bud.

Could she be out doing drugs or such like rather than another man?

I'd be hiring a private detective.

To my knowledge the only therapists qualified to see clients more than once a week are psychoanalytic psychotherapists or psychoanalysts. As such, they would not necessarily be registered UKCP or BACP but with the BPC. They work strictly within a regular framework of appointments at the same time each week with no contact between appointments. This sounds dodgy AF. Either he’s not a registered therapist at all (it isn’t actually illegal to work without accreditation) or she isn’t having therapy at all. Extremely upsetting for you and you’re paranoia is certainly not misplaced...

@StonedRoses

It’s a very complex backstory. She went to therapy after some unhappy life events and this lead to the uncovering of memories and all sorts of complex issues that I do not understand. He is a registered therapist and I’ve contacted the appropriate body but they will only take a formal complaint from a client directly. And they say that whilst what he is doing is unusual and not recommended it’s not ‘forbidden’. There’s lots of other concerns like him wanting to hug her to help but again this isn’t against the code

I’ve never before considered she could be seeing someone else. I’m sure she wouldn’t be doing anything dodgy with ‘John’. He’s about 20yrs older and looks like Jeremy Corbyn. I just wonder if I’m going mad thinking about it all??

Personally I think Corbyn is quite hot. Google him with his top off. And Ned Flanders. Don't judge a book by it's cover. Personality and chemistry have a lot of influence. Also...you said you posted about him before as you had concerns but now are raising it because a friend put the concerns in your head? She could be up to something, either an affair with him or someone else or is shaping up to leave you.

Hope she is ok and not being taken advantage of.
Women with traumatic backgrounds can be fascinating for people wiith control and manipulation issues.
If she doesn't want to share what's going on, maybe give her some space and privacy to process everything. In time I'm sure things will become clear.

Therapy 3 times a week sounds like a load of shit to me OP

Are you able to follow her next time she goes for a 'session'?

He is a registered therapist and I’ve contacted the appropriate body but they will only take a formal complaint from a client directly. And they say that whilst what he is doing is unusual and not recommended it’s not ‘forbidden’. There’s lots of other concerns like him wanting to hug her to help but again this isn’t against the code

That makes no sense to me. Are you sure that there is no one else to report this to to get it looked into?
A client could be very vulnerable within a client/therapist relationship...and may not be aware of anything being wrong or too attached to the therapist to realise things aren't as they should be, or they do realise but the attachment is too strong.

In cases like that then surely someone else can call for this to be looked into?

Thanks for all the messages and advice. Sorry I’ve not replied - been at work but I e read them all

It may sound terribly naive but till now my main thought/concern was that John was either out his depth or a bit incompetent, not that there was anything more sinister. And it may well be the case. I know he is very anti conventional psychiatry and medicine. AFAIK there’s never been a contract or formal arrangement. Now I sound very daft but everything I’ve been concerned about there’s been an answer that has partially put my mind at rest. Initially I was told the process would take several months, then a year, then several years and so on. Same with the extra meetings and calls. They seemed like an emergency, not to be repeated, but they’ve continued. I was surprised at the f2f meetings throughout lockdown but was reassured it was alright as they sat 2m apart and it was felt the benefits of therapy outweigh the risks.

I’ve had worries that all this is ‘unconventional’ for a while but drawn a blank and reluctantly come to the conclusion that a grown adult is free to do as she wishes, even if it is daft. But my friend (female) asking me if it all seems a bit odd has suddenly made me think. And I hate even slightly doubting my wife.

To answer a previous question I do care very much about my wife, which is why I’m concerned about her. I don’t wish to break her confidence on here but basically after starting therapy after a few sessions he said that he thought she’s been a victim of abuse and trauma. So the sessions have been trying to work out what this was and then dealing with it. Without going into detail it has snowballed into repressed memories of the most horrific kind. I certainly can’t deal with the little I’ve heard or seen (there’s been drawings she’s done for this). I simply do not understand it. It doesn’t all add up and some of it makes very little sense. But I don’t wish to disbelieve her and so this confuses me too much. It has obviously been a huge strain on us all, and her estranged family and I feel very much in the middle of it trying to keep things together. If I didn’t care I’d have left long ago. That’s the best answer I can give.

Writing all this down I do feel rather daft. It seems clearly not right, but in what way I do know. Or indeed what (if anything) I can do about it

Thanks for listening everyone

To my knowledge the only therapists qualified to see clients more than once a week are psychoanalytic psychotherapists or psychoanalysts.
I think those from the psychoanalytic tradition would do this more than other approaches but it’s not so much a matter of qualification to see people more than once a week but more what is useful for the client, which no doubt an ethical therapist of any tradition would discuss.

In my work I might have the first couple of sessions fairly close together but the main body of the sessions tends to be once a week and then less often as we come to an agreed end. It does sound worrying, or at least not very client focussed. It would be really useful to know what sort of therapist he says he is @StonedRoses - do you know? Presumably you know as you’ve approached the professional body he belongs to. But regardless it sounds unethical and possibly damaging, if indeed he is seeing your DW in the way she says. Three years is a long time and “recovering memories” where there is trauma is a concern.

I don’t know what style of therapy he uses. His website doesn’t say. It just says that he specialises in trauma and abuse and has studied dissociation. I think he works entirely privately, out his home, which is why he can be more flexible about appointments

I would urge her to get another therapist. After three years, he isnt helping. He is hindering. Possibly deliberately in order to pro for, or for more sinister reasons. A lot of monstrous sorts gravitate towards positions of power over the vulnerable. Also, how can reliving past trauma constantly be good for anyone?

*in order to profit

First things first, you will need to follow her to check she is where she says she is. That way you can at least know if she is in fact with the therapist or someone else.

I’ve sat crying my eyes out in front of multiple doctors/ psychologists over the years. None of them have ever touched or hugged me. A true professional would not do this because there has to be boundaries and they cannot risk being accused of inappropriate sexual behaviour. The therapy is either cover for an affair or he’s abusing a very emotionally vulnerable woman. Either way I don’t think you should continue to tolerate her relationship with him. If she’s not having an affair and still feels she needs help them she should be going to see another psychologist (preferably one suggested by her GP). If you really love her and she is being abused you need to speak up, challenge this, protect her. I’m really appalled the professional body you spoke with before shrugged their shoulders.

I’ve sat crying my eyes out in front of multiple doctors/ psychologists over the years. None of them have ever touched or hugged me. A true professional would not do this because there has to be boundaries and they cannot risk being accused of inappropriate sexual behaviour.

This isn't strictly true. I've been hugged by female therapists before, both NHS and private. All very professional and appropriate given the setting and circumstances. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable if it were a man and appreciate the OP's DW is seeing a male therapist. But it's not as black and white as "professional = no hugs".

Don’t feel daft @StonedRoses, you’re not in the room with them so it is very difficult for you to get a handle on what’s going on. You obviously care and you have put your trust in someone who says they are qualified to help. I’d love to know who his professional body is.

I’d be inclined to see if she’d be prepared to get a second opinion on her problems from a clinician working in an evidence based way who can assess her, such as a clinical psychologist. If his website is vague and says he’s “studied” some element with no clear information I’m afraid that’s just not good enough. The evidence-based treatment of trauma is trauma focussed CBT, EMDR and some other therapies such as Compassion Focussed Therapy and also specialised counselling such as you would find at the Maudsley in London. The counselling for childhood sexual abuse is very specific and specialised. “Studied” could mean anything.

If we take it on good faith that it is the therapist she is seeing (for therapy), he does not sound like someone who has her best interest at heart. She had no memory of being abused until she started seeing someone who specialises I'm trauma and abuse! There is a podcast on BBC Sounds at the moment called Bad People - I recommend you listen (with her if she will) to the episode"the wrong man". The Psychologist on there talks (and backs up with evidence) how unreliable and suggestible our memories are.

I would also be checking for testimonial's or reviews from previous clients. How on earth can he be offering this level of therapy to multiple people?

She’s seeing someone else and using her therapist as a cover.

I don’t want to name the professional body as I don’t want to unfairly cast aspersions on him falsely. As said I really have no idea what goes on or what they do. It’s certainly the case that she has come to depend on him and (AFAIK) finds seeing him hugely helpful, although of course it’s often two steps forward, one and a half backwards. Her mental health took a bad turn at the start of therapy but to me seems much better now.

I have tried and tried to persuade her to seek a second opinion, preferably from a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist. But she is very against this, as she feels John is the one who understands her. I think also he has suggested that a second opinion would confuse things further and so not help

So here we are. She may be using John as cover, John may be misguided or worse. Or I might be going out my mind and jumping to the wrong conclusions. Who knows?

I remember the story. I think he's a charlatan and there could well be something else going on!