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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Concerns about DW and therapist - am I paranoid?

478 replies

StonedRoses · 15/09/2020 09:09

I’ve posted before about my concerns about the Male therapist has been seeing for the last three years. Let’s call him John. He’s a little unorthodox and the process has lead to my DW going nc with her entire family. I’ve really no idea about whether the memories they have unearthed are correct or not. But that’s a side issue to today

One of my concerns has been the frequency of contact. Often 2-3 times a week. Text and email between and often arranged at short notice. There have been emergency they sit sessions, sometimes meeting at a local park or in the car

This week she told me on Friday at 5pm she had a phone call with John at 6. Then she left the house to make the call from the car, for privacy of course. However she then drove off and come back a couple of hours later.
Again yesterday her scheduled session is Thursday. Mid afternoon she text me to say she has another session straight after work

A friend of mine who can be a bit cynical has said to me ‘are you sure there’s nothing else going on’. And it’s got me thinking. I’m sure there isn’t and I hate feeling paranoid. But even so it does feel like current contact is OTT and rather eating into family time.

OP posts:
CordeliaCroft · 13/12/2020 19:27

I wold be worried and try to leave for the sake of your DS if not for yourself. She needs help clearly, but you cannot help her in other ways than trying to get her help. Are you not worried about leaving her alone with your child?

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 13/12/2020 19:35

20 years after my aunt handed over ££££ to a bogus healer it has come to light he abused many many women.. He has been charged.. What happens if you Google this man? Any reviews? Sorry hrtft but op you must be distraught. I would be leaving and taking dc with you. You solicitor could apply for medical evidence of her state of mind in reference to your concerns about your ds and unsupervised contact.. You would get to see that report I believe..

Baileysandcream · 13/12/2020 19:48

Is there any way that the idea she had a child at 21 can be disproved?

Everything is being twisted round this narrative. I remember a time her mother came to stay with us and they went shopping in the city. She brought nice dresses and posh underwear. Now apparently her mother did this to increase her sale value to the abusers. But she was 26 and living with me. So who was she being sold to and when?

This goes way beyond uncovering repressed memories of abuse during childhood. In earlier posts, the narrative was abuse up to the age of 18 when she left for college. Yet now it has progressed to the age of 20/21 given she now believes she had a child at 21. And even after having met and moved in with you at the age of 26 the abuse is ongoing?

Where does this end?

Are you absolutely certain that she is actually continuing with this "therapy"? Is there any chance that she is actually lying about still seeing a therapist

Surely any genuine therapist believing they were uncovering such a history of actual events would not be suggesting that their client shouldn't see anyone else in any professional capacity - surely they would want the very best outcome for their client and be open to them getting as much help as possible from every available resource?

C0NNIE · 13/12/2020 19:51

You’ve tried everything you can to help her and it’s not working. She’s clearly mentally ill and may be a risk to your son. You need to separate and take him with you.

He needs to be your priority over your own feelings of guilt or misplaced loyalty.

Bottledupagain · 13/12/2020 19:55

I just wanted to say I think you are handling this well so far, however I don't think this is a life you can carry on living, I think you need to sit her down and get her to the GP and discuss the abuse together and even if you can't take it further its On record. And possibly the doctors would think this is a mental health issue, and therefore you would get more support.
You certainly can't live in limbo forever.
Your poor son needs protecting also.

HereIAm123 · 13/12/2020 19:55

Psychologists have to tread very carefully with repressed memories. From the start where He suggested she was a victim of child abuse that crossed the line and would be a huge red flag for me.

I agree with PP that her behaviour towards you isn't OK and you need to leave with your son to keep him safe and away from the abuse. Assuming everything she says is real is, that still doesn't make her behaviour to you OK. Or make it OK to expose your child to her behaviour. Once you have DC they need to be your first consideration. It's not OK to support her at the expense of your child

lilmishap · 13/12/2020 20:01

So she is now admitting abandoning a baby and not registering the birth which is illegal and will have had a police investigation?

Since the 70s there is a register of abandoned babies the GRO has it. I know this due to researching our family history.

nitsandwormsdodger · 13/12/2020 20:06

Why don't you book some sessions with John ?

lilmishap · 13/12/2020 20:08

"She must think something of those lines because she has warned me of this child turning up one day"

So if true the police would want details from her as she (at best) abandoned or (at worst) caused a baby to die of exposure.

If untrue she is either lying knowingly or needs actual help due to delusions and/or brainwashing. Either way, you cannot be expected to take part in her fantasy/delusion as it's stealing your life from you.

You cannot carry on like this, you won't get these years back.

lilmishap · 13/12/2020 20:11

www.genesreunited.co.uk/boards/board/ancestors/thread/717337

It seems there are ways to find the baby pre 70s as well through Coram.

nitsandwormsdodger · 13/12/2020 20:12

She isn't getting any better so needs s psychiatrist rather than a therapist maybe medication ??

yogurt2090 · 13/12/2020 20:17

@nitsandwormsdodger

Why don't you book some sessions with John ?
That's what I was gonna suggest too
Dery · 13/12/2020 20:19

“You’ve tried everything you can to help her and it’s not working. She’s clearly mentally ill and may be a risk to your son. You need to separate and take him with you.

He needs to be your priority over your own feelings of guilt or misplaced loyalty.”

This. Also like PP, I think you should look into getting her sectioned. That seems to be your only chance of getting her away from her current therapist who seems dangerous.

You couldn’t have tried harder to support her but for the sake of your own sanity and your son’s wellbeing, you need to start taking steps she won’t like such as trying to get her sectioned.

yogurt2090 · 13/12/2020 20:21

Can you also suggest going to see John together with DW? Not all sessions obviously, but just try a couple of sessions to see what John suggests you can do to help DW?

Just tell DW you are really concerned about her and want to seek professional (John)'s advice on how best to be the supportive husband.

Sssloou · 13/12/2020 20:28

It’s no coincidence IMHO that the moment she started to discuss reducing / finishing therapy “John” after all these years managed to help her recover a new buried memory of having a baby........

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/12/2020 20:29

She won’t see conventional medics or psychiatrists for fear of being labelled insane

The whole premis of it all is insane

Looking at this from outside I am wondering how much this therapist is actually taking from her.

The fact that as soon as she starts to think about reducing sessions something else is found seems fishy to me.

But as I understand she believes that she gave birth to this baby and then abandoned it. So it wasn’t registered etc. If it is true I can only hope it was picked up and found. She must think something of those lines because she has warned me of this child turning up one day

Here you can say this is bollocks.
If she abandoned her baby and she didn’t or it wasn’t registered then how is this baby going to one day turn up? Where is the connection to her?

Wonder what John is going to come up with on this point.

But I can’t leave someone who is ill and needs help

Yes you can. Ultimately you have to save yourself and your child. Maybe when she comes to her senses you can get back together but you can only alter your life for so long and by so much. It is affecting you and your child now and it isn’t going to get better. If anything it is getting worse.

Dontbeme · 13/12/2020 20:32

I think you have a duty to your son which overrides your marriage vows. You need to be taking him out of what can only become a very dangerous situation with your wife

OP please read this from a pp, then read it again and again, and then act to protect your child. Act today, can you both stay with your parents in the short term? Have you contacted your GP or a mental health charity for advice, you cannot reason with your wife as the things she believes are true to her and no amount of reason, logic or facts will help her see the reality of her situation. You need professional help to get her the correct care and treatment before she is lost for good from you all.

DailyCandy · 13/12/2020 20:45

If you think it's possible this man is brainwashing your wife - have you considered meeting with him yourself and confronting him?

unicornpoopoop · 13/12/2020 20:56

Have you actually researched him properly? Not just read his own published testimonials.

I'm sure if you look hard enough you will be able to find something on him.

lilmishap · 13/12/2020 20:58

@DailyCandy

If you think it's possible this man is brainwashing your wife - have you considered meeting with him yourself and confronting him?
Really bad idea.

Too easily he could be described as sabotaging her 'recovery' and may soon find himself being accused of trying to stop her 'uncovering his role' in her abuse or worse.

What if she hears her son on the stairs? What if she 'defends herself' against you after being triggered by your footfall? I would be concerned at the escalation of this.

It's heading somewhere

Sssloou · 13/12/2020 21:00

You said that she has been NC with her entire family for the last three years and that they don’t know why (ie SRA) but also that her sister has no recollection of any of this happening......did she speak directly with her sister and tell her and then go NC?

What was the life crisis that she first went to see “John” with - was she especially emotionally vulnerable at that time?

Sparklfairy · 13/12/2020 21:00

She won’t see conventional medics or psychiatrists for fear of being labelled insane.

This stood out to me. If John believes her/has helped these memories come to the surface, why won't she trust any other professional with this knowledge? If you'd said she didn't want to because of the repercussions of her abandoning her 'baby' then I could understand, but to trust one professional to tell her she's not insane but absolutely no others... I truly don't know if she's just unravelling but knowingly making up dramatic stories, or she truly is having delusions. And even then, how much of this is due to 'John'.

What an utter mess. It must be so so hard for you. I'm not sure how it would work, but I would suggest making some calls behind the scenes to see what help is available and whether you could get her sectioned. This really can't carry on and she needs to be assessed by someone impartial - not John!

Sssloou · 13/12/2020 21:02

I would keep going back to her GP repeatedly to update on each of the new developments. If you have logged it frequently with them then they may we’ll have a safeguarding process to follow.

BigBaublesGalore · 13/12/2020 21:07

I'm so sorry you're going through this op. I've just read the full thread and I really feel for you.

What stood out to me was where you said her mum took her shopping as a way to increase her value yet she was living with you.

It really sounds like she has been brainwashed and is now mentally ill. Like a couple of pp suggested you need to protect your son now, not tomorrow, now.

Mentally ill people can do horrific things and unexpectedly. I would take you son out of that environment, I did look into sectioning under the mental health act but i think you could only do that without causing alarm if she was making threats to her own or someone else's safety

Ginmonkey84 · 13/12/2020 21:14

This man is completely dangerous and is causing serious damage to your wife. It is obvious that he is creating false memories through her therapy. She is now completely delusional and at his mercy. You need to help her. Get her help away from him. I would be contacting the local crisis team before things get even further out of control. He has already ‘created’ her to develop some sort of psychological disorder. There has been some research in false memory syndrome that would be worth looking at when therapists wrongly create repressed false memories.