I think I have been lovebombed and I am in shock

[Condasend]

I am starting this thread as hopefully a source of support while I recover my sense of self or maybe a warning to others. I'll probably just get roasted.

I met a man on Tinder. It moved so fast. He told me he loved me after a week and I thought I felt the same. We spoke about getting married. I honestly thought this was it

He started finding reasons to come to the house while my children where here to do jobs, put up shelves, fix things.I had said from the start that I wanted to take it slowly. I had introduced him as my friend.

On Thursday, he had been here every evening this week and most of the week before.I had become uncomfortable and tried to bring this up with him. He left and is refusing to speak to me. I have had 2 messages accusing me of playing games and being selfish.

The times we had together were magical. I thought I had fallen in love and we would be together for ever.

His behaviour isn't normal. An emotional stable person doesn't start discussing marriage within a week of meeting someone.

He may be playing games, he may have a dodgy agenda or he may have mental health issues, but the problem is with him, not you.

I think you have dodged a bullet.

You've met an example of what Dr Joe Carver describes as the Loser and you were indeed love bombed by this particular manipulative person. Do read his article:-

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You were targeted by this man and deliberately so; he sensed your innate vulnerability here and targeted you accordingly as he did.

Please do not enter into any romantic relationship until your boundaries have been properly reset through counselling or through Womens Aid's Freedom Programme. You have ignored or minimised many red flags here and were instead charmed by him as well as future faked. Charming men too make for being dangerous lovers.

Did he talk about moving in. Well done on getting rid of him.

How long have you been seeing him?

Regardless of that you need to go no contact and end it obviously, just curious as it sounds like you could do with googling and reading the shark cage analogy.

You're kidding yourself that introducing him as your friend to the kids is any less ridiculously quick moving as he's still a stranger who then knows your home and your kids.

I don't say that to be a dick but to snap you out of holding on to any mitigations you think you made that weren't really mitigations at all.

Please tell me you've ended it? Too much, too soon, quick change from love bombing you emotional abuse. He's not someone you want in your life.

And never forget, no man falls in love with a mum so quickly as one who needs or wants a place to stay and / or get dinner made. It's awful but people WILL take advantage of a sort of readymade home. In all sorts of ways.

@Bananalanacake

Did he talk about moving in. Well done on getting rid of him.

I didn't read it as her having ended it yet unfortunately, she said he left and he was refusing to talk to her other than saying she's game playing. She needs to go no contact immediately.

It was 5 weeks from start to finish

www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

I am going no contact.

I have posted because I am shocked by how real it felt and how I thought I had met the one!

I knew that I would get a stern talking to and that's what I need.

I know I have to end it but I concerned I might get sucked back in.

He has met my friends who felt he was plausible but on reading the messages he sent after I asked for space they have told me to block he and never talk to him again.

That's what posting on here is about. The more people I have told about it the more accountable I am.

I know I have to end it but I concerned I might get sucked back in.

Thinking of your childrens safety should be enough to deter those thoughts!

OP, you need to be more aware in future. What on Earth were you thinking, letting a strange man constantly come to your house, when your children are there? Do you mean he deliberately picked times to visit when your children were there. Unless they’re almost grown ups, that would ring alarm bells. He sounds very dodgy and you’re well rid IF he doesn’t get back in touch.

I’m concerned that he’s pushing your boundaries and seeing how far he can go. I fully expect him to get back in touch and make it seem that you were unreasonable to have boundaries. He’ll twist it around so you’ll end up feeling as if you’re wrong, then once he’s done that he’ll start seeing what other boundaries he can break. Stay well away, for your own good and the good of your children.

Oh God he sounds frightful, it sounds like something a 16 year old would do. Some people just never grow up emotionally.

You missed massive red flags. Don’t date again before working on your boundaries and ‘shark cage’.

@Condasend

I know I have to end it but I concerned I might get sucked back in.

He has met my friends who felt he was plausible but on reading the messages he sent after I asked for space they have told me to block he and never talk to him again.

That's what posting on here is about. The more people I have told about it the more accountable I am.

Him making excuses to come round when your children were there was at best forced intimacy / integration into daily life and at worst sinister. Can you see how dangerous a decision it was on your part to allow this? And I mean really see, in a practical sense how dangerous a thing this is to do?

Please read up on the shark cage analogy.

If this is all within five weeks you're very high risk for making similar decisions again unless you do some work on yourself.

Have you told him you want no contact from now on? Make that clear in a message so you have it recorded.

I can't believe you allowed a stranger into your home with your children there. Block him, and if he shows up at your door do not let him in. Tell him you'll call the police if he doesn't leave.

OP you really need to stop dating and do some work on yourself. You have children and this man could be a sexual predator; you have absolutely no idea.

What on earth were you thinking talking about marriage with someone you knew for five weeks? He'd already settled into your home after a month!

Read up on red flags and do some work on yourself first before you fall in love with the next manipulator. Can't believe he has the cajones to accuse you of being selfish because you don't want to live with him after four weeks.

So sorry op, but you have defo dodged a bullet there. Block, delete, and if he tries to hoover his way back in, ignore.

I am not going to defend myself on the allowing someone into the house when the children are here because it s not really defensible.

I am a sensible woman who puts my children's welfare at the centre of every I do. Yet I was persuaded to drop my defenses and give him a list of jobs he could do to help.

This man has a professional job that requires DBS and I have met his boss. That does not make it right. I was drawn into something so overwhelmingly.

Why would you let a stranger know where you live especially when you have children he could be a psychopath!

Next time don't invite someone into your home until you get to know them.

You can't really blame him for being full-on when you have spoken about marriage in the first week as you are just as full-on as he is.
Maybe just say that you think things are going too fast for your children's sake and you want to people away from the house now. You can then decide on what you both want after the intensity has gone.

Have you Googled his name op? You would be amazed what can be found. Scroll right down to the end of the results. Shows older stuff.
Once had cause to try and rehome a relatives ddog. A plausible man contacted me. Weeks of appropriate exchanges regarding the ddog. Curious I Googled him. He had a conviction for animal cruelty and was banned from owning specific ones. Sadly not ddogs.
*with assistance from an mner I got him a place in a reputable rescue..

• meet away from the house

Jimmy Saville was a beloved children's presenter and TV personality who ran marathons for charity. How someone presents themselves means absolutely nothing, sexual predators in particular are extremely manipulative.

I am a sensible woman who puts my children's welfare at the centre of every I do

I can see that OP.

Did he need somewhere to live? I find that helps men fall in love really fast

What you felt was intensity not intimacy. Intimacy takes time to build. 5 weeks won’t do it.

Definately a love bomber.

Also, look at how he reacted to you asking for a bit of space. That was very telling. He tried to convince you it was an unacceptable need. And that you were being 'selfish' to have it. Which is nonsense of course. And tells you that going forwards, your needs wont matter and your boundaries will be bulldozed. Also that he will be a gaslighting nutter.

Also, lovebombers don't like you to have space to think. And...it sounds like this one may have been an attempting cocklodger too tbf.

I make a point of not letting men near my home during dating. Seriously wouldn't even tell them where I live for at least a month or two. And I've no kids so dont have to be extra extra cautious.

But this one sucked you in with the whirlwind, now you have experience of lovebombing, you'll see it coming easier in future.

Look on the bright side.

You are out now. You know what happened. You can look back and learn. Maybe a tiny bit of beating yourself up is in order, but don't wallow in it. You got caught up in something and swept along - it can happen to the best of us.

You'll know better next time.