I think I have been lovebombed and I am in shock

[Condasend]

I am starting this thread as hopefully a source of support while I recover my sense of self or maybe a warning to others. I'll probably just get roasted.

I met a man on Tinder. It moved so fast. He told me he loved me after a week and I thought I felt the same. We spoke about getting married. I honestly thought this was it

He started finding reasons to come to the house while my children where here to do jobs, put up shelves, fix things.I had said from the start that I wanted to take it slowly. I had introduced him as my friend.

On Thursday, he had been here every evening this week and most of the week before.I had become uncomfortable and tried to bring this up with him. He left and is refusing to speak to me. I have had 2 messages accusing me of playing games and being selfish.

The times we had together were magical. I thought I had fallen in love and we would be together for ever.

@Redcups64

I don’t get this? What’s wrong with it? I’ve been with my first partner a long time so not experienced in relationships so can someone explain like I’m a 5 year old please?

Other than having a stranger in with kids there, that bit I get, it’s the rest I don’t.

You should not introduce a stranger to your children and let that stranger know where you live.

Five weeks in anyone can be 'nice.'

There is no need for them to know where you live at that stage.

There is absolutely no need for them to meet your children at that stage.

Saying "I love you" and discussing marriage after a week shows a lack of emotional maturity and critical thinking.

You cannot "know" someone that soon. Some will say "well I did" and share success stories. They were lucky, they thought they felt that way that soon and it ended up working out.

Most of the time it doesn't.

When you have children, you should put their safety and security first.

Hope that helps - genuinely not snarkily as you sound naive rather than goady. But to adults with experience of relationships this is such obvious stuff that I hope it can help you spot any potential future issues in advance.

Too much too soon is the mark of an unhealthy dynamic.

Not all women are vulnerable to this kind of thing, many of us are much warier than you have been.

What can you do to avoid this happening to you again? You could look into doing the Freedom Programme which will help you spot and avoid men like this

OP, you have done the right thing. These love bombers are quick - always a red flag when they get out the site and want to talk on the phone, WhatsApp after one line.

I have just had one this morning - I know the signs and I think he has gone off to look for another prey.

OP, just a gentle question. Where was this man from? I mean continent/country?

I’m interested as to how old your children are?

There are certain men who deliberately target single mums to get access to their children.

Steer clear and do lots of checking before you have someone in your house. I always did companies house searches, house ownership searches, internet searches all sorts. It is sensible.

@Condasend Well done for catching it so soon, so many get much deeper into this kind of relationship before the recognise the red flags and try to get out.

These people are skilled manipulators!
You did very well to respond to your discomfort and stand by it, rather than talking yourself into thinking you were being ridiculous - which many people do - so please congratulate yourself on that bit, at least.

And now you've had that "whirlwind romance" experience, you'll know what it's like and you'll never fall for it again.

It's easy for outsiders to shout "red flags, red flags, how did you not see?" but for the person being love-bombed, it's overwhelming. You barely have time to come up for breath to consider anything rationally. .
And yes, you made a mistake having him round to your house, especially with your kids there, but again - you won't be doing that again now, will you.

I had a brief relationship with a pathological liar who was a gaslighter and emotionally abusive - never thought it would happen to me either, but they catch you unawares and you're neck deep before you even realise! Luckily for me (OH SO LUCKILY!) he moved on voluntarily after 6 months, for which I thank my lucky stars. He still fleeced me of about £4k in that time - and my extreme reluctance to give him any more, AND demanding it be paid back, may have contributed to him moving on to easier prey, not sure.

Of course they're lovely and charming and know just what to say to push all your romantic buttons right at the start - that's them sucking you into their web. But now you know it's all just a ploy.

for you and - celebrate your lucky escape.

Don' beat yourself up over this OP. You made a mistake but you have realised that quite quickly, and no harm is done. Pick yourself up, and move on from it. You will have a better idea of that to look out for next time.

My mate has a DBS check, he’s currently under investigation for grooming, IT MEANS JACK.

You really really need to not date again until you have better boundaries. Do not cave and unblock him, don’t answer the door to him.

There is the harsh words now for the kind.

We get lonely, we crave human connection and we let our defenses down, you need to do some work on boundaries and be kind to yourself.

ThumbWitchesAbroadI

IP don't beat yourself up.. you have got out now and learnt a lot. I had a similar experience.. was completely bold over .. and was very keen to keep him out of my children's life .. he kept pushing and 'helping me out.. diy... fixing car.. insisting on paying for things... I had to lug my foot down.. it got ugly very quickly.. found out from his parents that he does this all the time. Be kind to yourself x

@Condasend

I am starting this thread as hopefully a source of support while I recover my sense of self or maybe a warning to others. I'll probably just get roasted.

I met a man on Tinder. It moved so fast. He told me he loved me after a week and I thought I felt the same. We spoke about getting married. I honestly thought this was it

He started finding reasons to come to the house while my children where here to do jobs, put up shelves, fix things.I had said from the start that I wanted to take it slowly. I had introduced him as my friend.

On Thursday, he had been here every evening this week and most of the week before.I had become uncomfortable and tried to bring this up with him. He left and is refusing to speak to me. I have had 2 messages accusing me of playing games and being selfish.

The times we had together were magical. I thought I had fallen in love and we would be together for ever.

Op you are getting a lot of stick here. You recognised what was happening and put a boundary in place and hes kicked off.

Well done for that.
Next time absolutely all dates away from your house etc

All of the posters denigrating DBS... I agree, it's not worth a light but time after time, thread after thread there are calls of, "Are they DBS approved?". Confusing isn't the word.

Or, do we just use DBS as another tool to whack posters when they've failed to get this status for themselves, or conversely, when we want to pillory somebody for taking any notice of this nonsense 'certification' which is merely a snapshot?

I'm thinking that 'carelessly/maliciously contrary' is a snappy catchall term for it.

Going forward have a stake in the ground OP

I am a single parent and just started ONline dating.

My stake in the ground is that NO ONE will be introduced to my children for at least 6 months, and before doing so I want to have been away on a short holiday with them and to have had our first argument and to have met their family.

If those pre reqs aren’t met - then no meeting. Period.

Well done for backing off on this situation, he sounds dodgy. One thing, have you tried googling his Tinder handle or email. Sometimes these fellas use the same handle and you can glean alot of interesting info.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Sorry but you can’t armchair diagnose a stranger described in 2 paragraphs by a third party on the internet. I had a look at that link and the “profile” described is speculative at best.

OP well done on spotting this red flag early on and taking swift action. It sounds like this would have just got more claustrophobic by the day. And once your lives are entwined it’s a million times more difficult to break away.

Of course, occasionally people really do meet and fall in love really quickly, so don’t beat yourself up too much for enjoying what you thought was a blossoming relationship. It’s great that you have strong boundaries in place and identified quickly when these were breached.

You sound very sorted and I’m sure you will bounce back quickly. Threads like these are great for alerting others to these patterns too – thanks for posting.

It's easy for outsiders to shout "red flags, red flags, how did you not see?" but for the person being love-bombed, it's overwhelming. You barely have time to come up for breath to consider anything rationally.

100%

Don't feel bad - I was lovebombed when I did internet dating and it shocked me to the core. I've never know anything like it and it is very easy to get swept away with it all!

Lesson learned, was more cautious after that. But honestly, beware - there are so many dodgy characters out there. I would say around 50% of the people I met were lying about something, and those are the ones I figured out! So many married men, men who weren't really divorced, men still living with their partners pretending not to be etc

"coming round 6 nights a week under the president"

This made me smile, how didn't you notice the president OP?

"OP, just a gentle question. Where was this man from? I mean continent/country?"

Why? And why "gentle"

@Settleandcalm

My mate has a DBS check, he’s currently under investigation for grooming, IT MEANS JACK.

You really really need to not date again until you have better boundaries. Do not cave and unblock him, don’t answer the door to him.

There is the harsh words now for the kind.

We get lonely, we crave human connection and we let our defenses down, you need to do some work on boundaries and be kind to yourself.

Hopefully he's not your mate anymore if you're saying it's proof the DBS means nothing - which is so true.

I feel bad for you

The charmers do this so so quickly 😢😢😢

@Condasend

It was 5 weeks from start to finish

5 weeks?!? I've had indigestion that lasted longer.

Red flags everywhere

It was 5 weeks from start to finish

😱😱

How old are your kids?