I think I have been lovebombed and I am in shock

[Condasend]

I am starting this thread as hopefully a source of support while I recover my sense of self or maybe a warning to others. I'll probably just get roasted.

I met a man on Tinder. It moved so fast. He told me he loved me after a week and I thought I felt the same. We spoke about getting married. I honestly thought this was it

He started finding reasons to come to the house while my children where here to do jobs, put up shelves, fix things.I had said from the start that I wanted to take it slowly. I had introduced him as my friend.

On Thursday, he had been here every evening this week and most of the week before.I had become uncomfortable and tried to bring this up with him. He left and is refusing to speak to me. I have had 2 messages accusing me of playing games and being selfish.

The times we had together were magical. I thought I had fallen in love and we would be together for ever.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but if all it takes to worm your way into your house consistently and continually when your children are thereis a few well chosen words, then you really shouldn’t be dating at the time being for the sake of your children.

He started finding reasons to come to the house while my children where here to do jobs

Whaaaaat.

Look, we are here now, to give you a stern talking too, you dodged a bullet and now you will be more careful.

This man has a professional job that requires DBS

That means zilcho. Absolutely nowt.

I occasionaly drive over the speed limit, but my licence is as clean as a whistle.

It just means some have not been caught yet or will never be caught.

It does not mean someoje is a saint, if anything they cover their tracks more.

This man has a professional job that requires DBS and I have met his boss.

You met him on tinder. You've known him a few weeks. This 'boss' is probably his friend.
You need to stop being so naive.

Even if he does have a DBS doesn't mean he is 'safe' and if he is lying then someone posing as someone 'safe' like someone pretending to be a school teacher raises a lot of red flags.

This man has a professional job that requires DBS

Anyone who uses having a DBS as "proof" that they are safe should be avoided.

Most child abuse isn't reported. Most child abuse is carried out by someone known to the child, often someone known through their parents. Therefore most child abuse will never be picked up in a DBS.

@Condasend

I am not going to defend myself on the allowing someone into the house when the children are here because it s not really defensible.

I am a sensible woman who puts my children's welfare at the centre of every I do. Yet I was persuaded to drop my defenses and give him a list of jobs he could do to help.

This man has a professional job that requires DBS and I have met his boss. That does not make it right. I was drawn into something so overwhelmingly.

These people are really, really good at getting past your boundaries. Honestly I think you've done really well to see through him, especially when he was doing the intense lovebombing which feels SO real. I think you've been brave.

I also want to say, I don't know if maybe you do have history that makes you vulnerable, but the truth is almost everyone is vulnerable to manipulation in this way. The only people who aren't are the ones who've already seen it/experienced it. It's human psychology to be vulnerable to the sort of tactics they use. This man likely didn't target you because he saw you as weak or lacking something. He targetted you because you have what he wants - maybe a house, money, children (scary), or maybe less tangible things, like happiness, security and so on, which he is unable to get for himself.

Don't blame yourself. Just learn from the experience. I think you're doing great.

Lots of abusers are mental abusers, not physical ones and even when they leave viable marks, the victims dont always report. So jobs are unlikely to be aware of what the person is like in a domestic situation.

Also worth noting that abusive sorts often like to gravitate towards: charity work (where they can present themselves as 'mr good guy'), positions of power and authority, and jobs where they will have control over vulnerable people.

Bloody hell OP! Well done for putting your boundaries down and getting him out. You got sucked in but you got out before any real harm was done, and next time you will be more wary.
You have been lucky your lesson was brief and not so catastrophic as mnay!

It was his boss but on reflection he probably engineered a situation where I met him to increase his plausibility with me.

Like I said, I am in shock. If I can be caught up in this then anyone can.

I am usually the person shaking my head and saying I would never do anything so stupid.

Anyone is vulnerable to being caught in things like this.

I don’t get this? What’s wrong with it? I’ve been with my first partner a long time so not experienced in relationships so can someone explain like I’m a 5 year old please?

Other than having a stranger in with kids there, that bit I get, it’s the rest I don’t.

Oh god this sounds familiar.

I met somebody online who love bombed me like this and tried to persuade his way into my home and children's lives.

I only ever met him in the city or went to his house after the first few dates but he just kept pushing and pushing my boundaries trying to get an invite to my home and to meet my kids. I never told him my address only the part of the city that I live.

He (supposedly) over heard me giving a taxi driver my address and then looked it up on google maps. Unfortunately for me the image on Google maps of my address was a picture of me stood on my door step talking to my ex during handover, faces blurred out but clearly me.

He used that as 'evidence' that I was upto things with other men and taunted me for weeks about how he knew where I lived.

Massive red flags all over the place, I stopped seeing him immediately and told him to leave me alone.

All in all I was seeing him for 8 weeks.

Long story short he ended up in prison.

Block him on everything.

OP give yourself a break, learn from this and be glad you found out sooner rather than later.

@Condasendam “I am a sensible woman who puts my children's welfare at the centre of every I do*

It doesn’t read that way! You made some really, really bad decisions here!!

@Condasend

I hope that you are safe now; I think that you were "lucky" to deal with it early.

One thing that would be worthwhile is to change your phone numbers. I don't know why but it is most often not done. Mobile and landline and be very careful that anyone to whom you give the new numbers is trusted not to pass it on. You make the point of a DBS check. All that really means is that he has never been caught in a crime.

@Redcups64
Where to begin lol xD

He started coming round 6 nights a week under the president of fixing things (not his house and she never asked him to). When she asked for a bit of space as it was too much for him to be over at her house, he told her she was being selfish!

Surely that doesnt seem healthy to you right? xD

Just had a google ‘wow’ seems like the dating world is a crazy place!

I don't want to be mean to you OP but you thought it was magical and you'd be together forever after just a couple of weeks!!
You need to be more sensible especially if you have kids.
As soon as he wasn't getting his own way he buggered off with all thoughts of being together forever gone. Didn't give a monkeys about you any more.
I'm sure a lot of us have been there, I know I have but you really cannot afford to be so gullible when you have children.
You can't know someone until you have been together for a long time. It isn't normal to talk about getting married after a week.
Its easy to do if you are desperate for a relationship and someone is paying you a lot of attention but for me it's one massive big red flag.
You must work on your self esteem. Nobody loves you after a week, they ALWAYS want something.

Don't be too hard on yourself but please do learn some lessons from this. If someone told me they loved me after a week, or even after a month, I would think they were being ridiculous. You don't even really know someone in that space of time so how can you possibly think you love them? You are either telling them what you think they want to hear, telling yourself what you want to hear or you don't really know what love is - possibly a combination of the three.

So what was it that made you so willing to accept his declaration of love so early on at face value and not see it for the nonsense it was? What was it that made you think you might be in love with him when common sense should tell you you didn't even know him? Thinking through those questions might help prevent you falling for similar situations in the future.

Oh hark at posters like BewilderedDoughnut with their finger-wagging nonsense. [hmm}

OP knows that she's dodged a bullet, is going no contact. She doesn't need smug twats telling her that actually, no she hasn't put her children's welfare first.

Condasend, I'm glad that you've seen the light, quickly too. This and other cons could happen to anybody, if we're caught at the right time and in the right way. Some people are extremely manipulative and they're bloody good at it.

You're already taking heed and you're right to do so. Absolutely do block him from everywhere as you've said. You won't get caught out again and it's good to have a reminder to take caution so thank you for posting.

Sorry for your hurt feelings and disappointment; that too, sadly is real and painful.

@madcatladyforever I know but when it s happening it feels real. Not much use trying to explain though. I suppose those that have had it happen will understand and those that haven't will think it's ridiculous.

It was his boss but on reflection he probably engineered a situation where I met him to increase his plausibility with me.

How do you know it was his boss?

As a PP said these types of people know how to use tactics to make you believe them.
But how many stories have you read about people leading double lives, pretending they are in love to get a green card/money, lying about where they work/live etc.
I don't think you should live your life thinking everyone is lying but you need to not believe everything that you hear.

I am on tinder and the amount of photos that have children and puppies in the pics is ridiculous, and every other member happens to be a teacher or in a professional job or say something about how they love kids and dogs - as this is what subconsciously makes us think they are decent people. It doesn't mean they are not decent people but they are using tactics to get more noticed.

OP, don't kick yourself further, but take this as the kind of dire warning that you feel when one of your toddlers narrowly misses being run over because you dropped their hand for a second while juggling shopping.

Engage your head first, heart second, when dating, especially when you have dependent children.

Don’t beat yourself up over this OP. MN and the printed press are full of stories of women who get taken in by men like this and stay with them for years, decades even. They stay even after these men reveal their true selves as abusers. You spotted he was a bad apple just 5 weeks in and are putting an end to things straightaway. Well done.

Anyone is vulnerable to being caught in things like this

🤦🏻‍♀️

No way would I have allowed this man in my house so early

And around my children???! The mind boggles