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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I have been lovebombed and I am in shock

115 replies

Condasend · 13/09/2020 11:09

I am starting this thread as hopefully a source of support while I recover my sense of self or maybe a warning to others. I'll probably just get roasted.

I met a man on Tinder. It moved so fast. He told me he loved me after a week and I thought I felt the same. We spoke about getting married. I honestly thought this was it

He started finding reasons to come to the house while my children where here to do jobs, put up shelves, fix things.I had said from the start that I wanted to take it slowly. I had introduced him as my friend.

On Thursday, he had been here every evening this week and most of the week before.I had become uncomfortable and tried to bring this up with him. He left and is refusing to speak to me. I have had 2 messages accusing me of playing games and being selfish.

The times we had together were magical. I thought I had fallen in love and we would be together for ever.

OP posts:
Settleandcalm · 13/09/2020 13:33

new doubt he is as I’m the one who reported suspicious activity

Settleandcalm · 13/09/2020 13:34

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done

Sexnotgender · 13/09/2020 13:34

@Settleandcalm

new doubt he is as I’m the one who reported suspicious activity
Well done. Thank you for protecting children.
newnameforthis123 · 13/09/2020 13:34

@Settleandcalm

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done
Good for you. It's people like you who help expose abusers x
differentnameforthis · 13/09/2020 13:35

Abusers move fast. Then expect us to fall for it, thinking it is romantic.

It's not. It's a abuse!

he is now sulking because you didn't fall for it. Don't be his victim. the times you were together were fake. Not magical.

Original poster
Condasend · 13/09/2020 13:40

Thank you for the understanding comments. It does feel like an attack and it is overwhelming.

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 13/09/2020 13:49

and before doing so I want ..... to have had our first argument ....

I would've never married if I'd followed that rule!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2020 13:51

You have indeed been roasted here but you need to think about how and why you were so taken in by him apparently so very easily here. If a friend had told you this what would your response be?.

Your boundaries, perhaps already weakened by crap relationships and or past abuses, have been further weakened by this man. Love your own self for a change and reset your boundaries properly before going back into the dating pool.

Consider too what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

MyOwnSummer · 13/09/2020 13:53

Gavin Debecker writes about "loan sharking" in his book The Gift of Fear. Its when predatory people (men usually) force favours on you so that you feel like you owe them something.

Worth mentioning because many abusers learn to be more subtle with the love bombing and more obvious stuff, but loan sharking is the reddest of red flags - you should always run. It indicates a complete lack of respect for your boundaries, and is used as a justification for them making ever more unreasonable demands on you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/09/2020 14:05

It's easy for everyone else to shout 'red flag!' when looking in from the outside of a relationship. If we all picked up on all of the red flags all of the time, most of the posts on the Relationships board wouldn't be necessary. You get sucked in and then it all starts and by then you are in so deep that you just can't imagine life without them.

But you genuinely don't see the flags at the start. Abusers 'blind you with science (or love)' until you think YOU are the unreasonable one.

Thelnebriati · 13/09/2020 14:08

Red flags;
Moving too fast
loan sharking (doing jobs for you)
establishing fake credentials ('you can trust me I'm a good guy')
breaking your boundaries around your home and kids
Acting hurt when you enforce a boundary - how dare you not trust me.

He is invested in maintaining the appearance of being a good guy, and thats a red flag in itself.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
www.docdroid.net/yrC8MoB/the-gift-of-fear-pdf

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Techway · 13/09/2020 14:09

Op, he failed the No test.It's a good test for would be abusers..say No early and often in relationships.

"No, I don't want you to come to my house, No that day doesn't suit, No I would rather meet somewhere else"

If they react angrily, sulky or passive aggressively then dump asap.

Lovebombers want Assets (money, status, a place to live, social life, household benefits etc) so you had something he wanted.

alliwantisabitofpeace · 13/09/2020 14:12

Your getting a rough ride here OP take this experience as a huge learning curve. If you say no and someone keeps pushing they are not the one!

My rule of thumb when dating is to Never get fully into believing he's the one until you have your first argument as that's the behaviour that separates men from boys and will determine how your future looks with that person!

Block him and move on

CatSmith · 13/09/2020 14:15

Block him and put it down to experience. He’s playing you, by blocking him you take back control and keep the loser out of your hair. He’s never right.

picklemewalnuts · 13/09/2020 14:22

Well done you! You spotted it in time to minimise the damage.

If people like him weren't plausible, no one would fall for them! Don't beat yourself up!

chubbyhotchoc · 13/09/2020 14:27

For god sake get some healthy boundaries and safeguard your children. Stop putting your love life before your children's well being.

rorosemary · 13/09/2020 14:29

Very well done that you spotted the risks and cut him out. Now, don't ever let him come near you or the kids again.

How old are the kids? If they're young you might want to tell the school exactly who can pick them up in case he tries something.

billy1966 · 13/09/2020 14:32

@alliwantisabitofpeace

Your getting a rough ride here OP take this experience as a huge learning curve. If you say no and someone keeps pushing they are not the one!

My rule of thumb when dating is to Never get fully into believing he's the one until you have your first argument as that's the behaviour that separates men from boys and will determine how your future looks with that person!

Block him and move on

These are two really great pieces of advice for women dating, that want to separate the waster's from the maybe's.

Saying NO in a relationship is always informative.

billy1966 · 13/09/2020 14:33

@Techway

Op, he failed the No test.It's a good test for would be abusers..say No early and often in relationships.

"No, I don't want you to come to my house, No that day doesn't suit, No I would rather meet somewhere else"

If they react angrily, sulky or passive aggressively then dump asap.

Lovebombers want Assets (money, status, a place to live, social life, household benefits etc) so you had something he wanted.

Great advice.
Standrewsschool · 13/09/2020 14:36

Well done on recognising that he has overstepped the boundaries and for putting in measures to rectify them. His reaction has told you who he really is.

Don’t beat yourself up about being taken in - you were obviously flattered by his attention and he capitalised on this. He’s the one in the wrong, not you. I think there’s a fine line between caring and controlling, and he has crossed that line.

Marj99 · 13/09/2020 14:43

@Condasend

I am not going to defend myself on the allowing someone into the house when the children are here because it s not really defensible.

I am a sensible woman who puts my children's welfare at the centre of every I do. Yet I was persuaded to drop my defenses and give him a list of jobs he could do to help.

This man has a professional job that requires DBS and I have met his boss. That does not make it right. I was drawn into something so overwhelmingly.

Well done you for being able to put in enough space to observe that all wasn’t right. Five weeks isn’t long given the circumstances and when you fall for someone it makes it very difficult to see the red flags but as my friend said, they are visible through rose tinted specs. This isn’t about his pathology or neediness it’s about you looking after you and the kids. People like this usually move on quickly to get their emotional needs met elsewhere but he could try an apology to try and manipulate his way back in. Keep talking to your friends and recognise how he was, not the fantasy version. We get drawn in because there is some need that was being met....maybe you were lonely or wanted some attention or an adventure. Think clearly about what you needs are, what is acceptable behaviour and pay attention to your intuition. You’ve done well to get out of this one.
Marj99 · 13/09/2020 14:47

@Techway

Op, he failed the No test.It's a good test for would be abusers..say No early and often in relationships.

"No, I don't want you to come to my house, No that day doesn't suit, No I would rather meet somewhere else"

If they react angrily, sulky or passive aggressively then dump asap.

Lovebombers want Assets (money, status, a place to live, social life, household benefits etc) so you had something he wanted.

Excellent advice.
MoonSauce · 13/09/2020 14:54

At one of the lowest points in my life, when I had not long been separated, and then had a late missed miscarriage, I met a 'stroker'. He did this to me too. It was over in six weeks, once he had made sure I absolutely needed him. I was out one day and when I returned, he had taken all his items from my home (hadn't even realised how much had accumulated there) and left me a callous note on my whiteboard. I feel so absolute pieces and had a full breakdown. It was the icing on a very broken cake.

I've been as careful as possible since, but went on to have three very abusive relationships with dv and sexual abuse after. Luckily, I've been able to work out my pattern and why I make myself available to the wrong men.

You've done the right thing by blocking. He's not right in the head.

Unsure33 · 13/09/2020 15:03

This happened to someone I know. I warned her after the first date. But no , he was the one. He ended up cheating on her and stealing from her and in fact getting engaged the week after they split up. She believed him because he wore a uniform for his job . 🤷‍♀️

TorkTorkBam · 13/09/2020 15:13

Looking back can you see how and when you could have done something different?

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