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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh with gender issues

138 replies

Paraparadiddlestamp · 11/09/2020 12:27

What would you do if your dh announced he was confused about his gender and his body and wanted to explore the possibility of living as a woman or non-binary...? No children.

This is not my situation, but a friend I'm supporting. I'm hesitant to give much detail in case they see this and obviously it's a complicated and emotional situation. I'm just wondering how most people would react to this...

OP posts:
RUOKHon · 16/09/2020 15:44

@ItalianHat it could be fun to see how far you could take it.

“Your arse looks like a sack of spuds in that dress.”

“You’d look really hot if you lost some weight and got down to a size 6.”

“You’re asking to get raped going out in that skirt.”

“Can you iron this for me?”

And literally every time he bent down to do anything I’d shout: “While you’re down there darlin’!”

YukoandHiro · 16/09/2020 15:51

Everything @ItalianHat said

LittleCabbage · 16/09/2020 15:55

Will living as a woman involve doing all the housework, more childcare & general stuff.

Or is it about skirts, high heels, makeup, long hair?

What does living as a woman mean?

Agree with this. Definitely read about autogynephilia. And yes, it is very unlikely that he will consider surgery to remove his penis/testicles.

SoulofanAggron · 17/09/2020 12:38

It's awfully nice to see MN still isn't at all transphobic. Definitely not at all. Well, no more than about 90%.

@TimeForACheeseSandwich Saying women should shag someone they don't want to shag, and putting ideological/moral pressure on them to do so, is rape culture. Nor should they be expected to stay with someone they're not attracted to anymore.

Sanitisethat · 17/09/2020 12:47

I don’t think this would be a dealbreaker for me. I’m bisexual anyway so if my husband did transition it wouldn’t fundamentally affect my understanding of my own sexuality. And I love him so much that I don’t think it could change for something like this. I’ve also had a very close friend transition in the past and it was surprising how quickly we all came to terms with the change and accepted our friend’s identity as completely normal. My instinct would be to support my husband and find a way forward with our relationship.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 17/09/2020 16:01

WoobyWoo: I’d say brilliant, here’s the kids, I’m off cycling for six hours and then maybe to the pub, can’t tell you what time I’ll be home so maybe leave dinner in the oven, there’s a love!

AmandaHoldensLips: I'd hand him a list of all the (unpaid unappreciated) "womens work" we do and tell him to knock himself out

Grin yes to these!

Would I stay with someone with gender issues? 25 years ago when I was way too much of a people pleaser (and way too understanding) I'd probably have sucked it up, but now no way. Life it too short to be going through that shit. I have a friend that transitioned from M-F and, god, so self-absorbed (which I suppose is understandable considering what s/he went through). I know 2 other M-F whose marriages broke down because of it. So, I'd probably stay friends if he didn't become incredibly tiresome or do the whole drag queen act, but I wouldn't stay in a romantic relationship with him. I simply find men dressing as women a massive turn off.

Nogoodusername · 17/09/2020 17:21

I genuinely don’t know what living as non-binary would actually involve, but I would absolutely divorce my DH if he wanted to live as a woman. I married a man, that would be changing the terms of the marriage contract we entered into. I would be supportive of his choice, but he doesn’t get to do it while being married to me

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/09/2020 17:26

Divorce. I may consider staying friends but I may not, it would depend if he had doubts when we got married. If he did I'd cut contact for marrying when he should have called it off.

SoulofanAggron · 17/09/2020 17:44

@Sanitisethat I'm bi too so I wouldn't necessarily mind, but most women aren't.

I’ve also had a very close friend transition in the past and it was surprising how quickly we all came to terms with the change and accepted our friend’s identity as completely normal.

It's different if a lover (or parent maybe) transitions, at least for some people. Many people go through a process akin to bereavement, as the person they knew has died. They even don't have a husband anymore, or a child a dad anymore.

Imagine you are straight and your husband goes from looking like a young Ross Kemp or whatever, to living as a woman and maybe even trying to act feminine. You're straight. You might still like them as a person (as long as they're not a self-absorbed twat about it all) but you're unlikely to fancy him as much when he's transitioning/living as a woman.

So if a straight woman stayed in that relationship they'd be condemning themselves to a whole diifferent sex life they didn't sign up for, which they often describe as grossing them out, or no sex life at all, and no-one should feel they have to live like that.

And that's on top of the whole thing of their sexual identity being supposedly changed in society's eyes, so they're seen as 'a lesbian' without them being the one that decides it.

It's like their own identity's taken from them too. Then the ex-bloke might go round calling himself the children's 'mother.' So he's even infringing on her identity as the mother that bore them.

Lexilooo · 17/09/2020 17:44

Berate him for not having dinner on the table, and the house clean before I arrived home from work, then take 20% of his salary because of the gender pay gap.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 18/09/2020 08:59

It's different if a lover (or parent maybe) transitions, at least for some people. Many people go through a process akin to bereavement, as the person they knew has died

This is, I think, what's happening with my M-F friend who's having problems coping with his/her parents' lack of enthusiasm (they haven't been at all nasty about it but s/he's not happy that they're not really keen). So I reminded him that his mother gave birth to a son, they raised a boy, and that now, in his 40s he's had surgery to become more like a woman. I suggested that they may well be grieving the loss of their son and trying to coming to terms with it. Unfortunately s/he doesn't seem to appreciate that. Bloody hell, it's weird for me and I only knew him as a man for 10 years before he transitioned a year ago.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 18/09/2020 09:07

@MadamBatty

Will living as a woman involve doing all the housework, more childcare & general stuff.

Or is it about skirts, high heels, makeup, long hair?

What does living as a woman mean?

This! I’d say “fantastic, I’m going to explore being a man as I identify as heterosexual. I’m quite a traditional man, so I’m off out, let me know when dinner’s ready.” See how much he enjoys gender roles when he’s expected to do all the shit work, not just fanny about with make up and high heels.
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 18/09/2020 09:24

She could maybe roll her eyes and ask him if he’s been on the hormones already, as he’s acting crazy. Time of the month/week/day is it? Hand him a bar of chocolate and tell him she’ll talk to him when he’s calmed down.

Rinse and repeat whenever he brings it up again.

That might satisfy his urge to live as a woman.

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