Dh with gender issues

[Paraparadiddlestamp]

What would you do if your dh announced he was confused about his gender and his body and wanted to explore the possibility of living as a woman or non-binary...? No children.

This is not my situation, but a friend I'm supporting. I'm hesitant to give much detail in case they see this and obviously it's a complicated and emotional situation. I'm just wondering how most people would react to this...

Will living as a woman involve doing all the housework, more childcare & general stuff.

Or is it about skirts, high heels, makeup, long hair?

What does living as a woman mean?

@FizzyGreenWater nailed it there!!

I think it's unlikely I could be particularly supportive or stay with my husband under these circumstances.
Personally I am baffled by NB as a concept, but equally I don't expect my husband to conform to gender stereotypes any more than I do either.
It's possible we could remain friends. But that would really depend on how it played out.
Your friends situation sounds like a short distance away from her husband wanting to see other people. That would be a definite no for me.

I'd want to talk it through if it were my DH, and find out how long they'd believed they were a woman, how they knew, what it felt like and how, in an ideal world, they'd see themselves living.

If their ideas basically meant depilation, lingerie, heels, makeup and pretty frocks (with lots of Instagram selfies and truckloads of attention for being stunning and brave) with no mention of the reality of being a woman, I'd tell him to fill his boots but not in my house. If it were a teenage daughter you'd have to see them through that stage if they went that route, but a husband? No.

If there were deep self-loathing, unhappiness and body dysmorphia going on, I'd ask if they were ready to seek psychiatric help and if they were, I'd stand by and be supportive for up to a year to see if they could be helped to deal with the issues.

Bottom line, he's either selfish and shallow or sad and conflicted.

God no, divorce. I think this stuff always reveals an appalling attitude to and understanding of women.

NearlyGranny. Selfish - definitely. Shallow - not sure (really can't see him doing the Instagram thing...but then again I couldn't see him wrecking his wife's life or contemplating chopping his balls off, so...🤷‍♀️). Sad and conflicted - yes definitely.

Ugh.

I wouldn't assume there's even any contemplation of 'chopping his balls off' OP, the vast majority don't seem to feel that's a requirement for 'living as a woman'

@MadamBatty

Will living as a woman involve doing all the housework, more childcare & general stuff.

Or is it about skirts, high heels, makeup, long hair?

What does living as a woman mean?

Hmm, I wonder which it is?!?

@MurielPritchett

I'd say that I support his right to live how he wants to live and I'd defend him to anyone who tried to belittle or humiliate him.

BUT I'd also say I didn't want to explore being in a "lesbian" relationship, so the relationship would be over.

This and the 'but I don't feel physical attraction to women' reply properly cracked me up. This man is not going to turn into a woman. There will be no lesbian relationship. Obviously your attraction may change if your husband suddenly has a mid-life crisis and becomes completely self-obsessed and completely changes his outward appearance and/or mannerisms, but just setting that straight.

Advise your friend to read up on autogynaphilia - AGP.

i would try to be sympathetic but ultimately, i would run for the hills.

Non binary would be okay for me. To be honest I think gender is all a bit overrated and people who hyper identify with “oooh I’m a lady la de la” or “im a bit of a geezer, well manly I am” are a bit weird. Who goes around feeling womanly/manly all day?

Divorce. Couldn't stay with someone so determined to try to colonise femaleness.

I’d divorce him.
It’s too complicated and you are going to have to be a non questioning support system to make it work.

But sex is binary BubblyBarbara. Human beings cannot change sex.

Gender is a Load of made up stereotypes that change according to location & time.

He wants to live as a woman usually mean wants to adhere to some Pornified stereotype of a pouting, simpering, longhaired miniskirted....you get the idea. Unlikely he wants to loose his balls worher.

I would be encouraging him to live as a woman. Firstly to gain the authentic experience he would be doing most of the housework and organising. Learning to cook. Arranging things. Doing the grocery shopping. Ensuring there is always milk. No point in just doing the dressing up it needs to be the full immersive experience!

My first instinct would be to make it an open relationship and try to stay friends, but I think things could soon get messy and realistically divorce would be better from the outset.

Some women would be ok with it (if they were bi/pan, or ok with having quite a 'feminine' guy, etc) but I like my men masculine. I'm bi but that's my personal taste, a very manly look.

If he started to look effeminate I wouldn't be attracted to him. Maybe if he looked nice as a woman, IDK.

But for most women I'd imagine it'd be a real turn off.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl Lol yes, they say that these men aren't usually into that part of the female gender role. I heard of some even saying they couldn't do housework in case they broke a nail.

It's the new sports car and shagging your secretary.

Divorce.

Gosh. Does it even matter if you would be in the majority or not? Is that how you evaluate your feelings or your relationships? If the majority of women said they didn't think their partner slapping them was a big deal, would you then squash your feelings on that happening in your own relationship?

What does 'living as a woman' mean.....exactly? If it's dressing as a woman, then that is not living as a woman, not in my opinion anyway. What is it about 'living as a woman' that would give him relief? Does he feel that society has certain expectations of him as a man and he just doesn't fit into that?

Even in a superficial way, this might affect someone's attraction to a partner, and it doesn't even have to have anything to do with gender. For example, I used to know someone who was clearly attracted to wealthy men. She loved the suits, the designer garb, the expensive cologne, the dinners in high-rise restaurants, the whole corporate power look. If she got with someone who was like that, and he suddenly announced he wanted to grow a long beard, retrain as a carpenter or a yoga teacher and go live in the woods.......I think the sexual attraction would take a nose dive for her.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Divorce- though I have some pretty Millennial woke friends who would try telling me it makes no difference to them and they would stick around and support them.

That sound Gen Z to me instead of Millennial.

Is he actually considering chopping his balls off though? And not just dressing as a caricature of a woman?

Indont think counselling or therapy will help. The world seems to be so focused on acceptance without question of trans issues atm, even if it is a mental Health crisis, theyll support him to the point of completely transing him.

Id divorce.

... and then id have the marriage annulled. (Church annulled I mean).