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Original poster

Dh with gender issues

138 replies

Paraparadiddlestamp · 11/09/2020 12:27

What would you do if your dh announced he was confused about his gender and his body and wanted to explore the possibility of living as a woman or non-binary...? No children.

This is not my situation, but a friend I'm supporting. I'm hesitant to give much detail in case they see this and obviously it's a complicated and emotional situation. I'm just wondering how most people would react to this...

OP posts:
popsydoodle4444 · 13/09/2020 15:53

It would depend on their relationship.

Firstly just because you love someone and are in a relationship with them doesn't mean you have to accept a decision like this;if they married a heterosexual Male then they have every right not to feel comfortable with the new gender or non gender their partner wants to be.It doesn't make them a bad person.

If they want to be non binary or female does this mean they are attracted to men too as well as women?,does he/she/they expect to have an open relationship?,again it doesn't mean their partner has to be okay with this.

If your friend doesn't feel they can cope with this and wants to walk away then offer as much support as possible;it doesn't make her a bad person.

If she decides to stay then again offer as much support as possible as other people will be very judgmental.

For me personally I wouldn't stay with them even if I loved them simply down to the fact I don't think my mental health could cope with it.

Campervan69 · 13/09/2020 15:53

It does seem to be the new male midlife crisis. Presumably now women are emancipated, young secretaries no longer need to run off with the middle aged boss. So the bosses seem to be trying to turn themselves into that stereotype instead and running off with themselves Grin

Anyway it's pathetic and I would be offski.

JulesCobb · 13/09/2020 15:53

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

I would be encouraging him to live as a woman. Firstly to gain the authentic experience he would be doing most of the housework and organising. Learning to cook. Arranging things. Doing the grocery shopping. Ensuring there is always milk. No point in just doing the dressing up it needs to be the full immersive experience!
Star

Doing the entire mental load.

DrDetriment · 13/09/2020 15:54

I would leave him immediately.

Bunkbedpeople · 13/09/2020 15:57

Do you want to

  1. Have your life taken over with a man with stubble and penis discussing how he looks in a dress\if he's getting "checked out" in his dress \ his stripper heels \suspenders . Not in an alternative fetish club, but to asda at 3pm in the afternoon .
  2. Have to protect his feelings by pretending he doesn't look ridiculous and the reason people are "checking him out" is not because he's turned himself into a sexy woman but because it's a middle aged bloke dressed in a schoolgirls uniform
  3. Have to pretend that as he is actually a sexy woman you want to stick a dildo up his arse whilst he's wearing a babydoll nightie and plastic 6 inch heels. And this turns you on.
gettingfedupagain · 13/09/2020 15:57

Check his internet history.

He will have been watching "sissy porn" where men are sexually abused and violated by other men while they are wearing dresses, fishnets and lipstick.

They see that as a woman's sexual role and they turned on by the thought of other men treating them that way.

timetest · 13/09/2020 17:10

He would not be the man I married so it would have to be divorce.

SandyY2K · 13/09/2020 17:18

Divorce
No question about it.

The fact that it can potentially be classed as a mental health issue, does not mean it's something I can deal with or would want to deal with, as it would affect my own mental health and 2 people in a relationship with mental health issues...is challenging to put it mildly.

LizzieSiddal · 13/09/2020 17:24

I’d have a little chat in the hope that it was a big joke. I’d then seperate from him immediately because to me he wouldn’t be the person I thought I’d spent the last 30 years with. I think I’d feel as if he’d told me for the last 30 years he’d been having an affair, I’d feel totally betrayed.

I know someone’s who’s H has transitioned. She is staying with him and she looks absolutely haunted. We all feel so sorry for her, but she’s been brainwashed into thinking what he’s done is perfectly acceptable.

TimeForACheeseSandwich · 13/09/2020 17:53

It's awfully nice to see MN still isn't at all transphobic. Definitely not at all. Well, no more than about 90%.

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/09/2020 17:59

I don't think I could stay married to someone who wasn't sure if he was a man.

user1481840227 · 13/09/2020 18:05

I would divorce him without a doubt.

borntobequiet · 13/09/2020 18:37

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

I would be encouraging him to live as a woman. Firstly to gain the authentic experience he would be doing most of the housework and organising. Learning to cook. Arranging things. Doing the grocery shopping. Ensuring there is always milk. No point in just doing the dressing up it needs to be the full immersive experience!
How is this transphobic? It’s a kindness. Being a woman isn’t all about lipstick, high heels and being felt up in clubs and bars.
Sunshineandsparkle · 13/09/2020 18:39

I couldn’t stay with him so we’d have to divorce.

FelicityPike · 13/09/2020 18:45

I’m very very much an LGBTQI+ ally and I’d wish them all the very best, but yes, I would separate and get a divorce ASAP to allow them to live life as they want to.

PermanentTemporary · 13/09/2020 18:49

I'd stick around, assuming I loved him. Depends on the person. There clearly are cases where it works fine enough, where the guy isn't an abusive arsehole. But based on the cases I know of, it's rarely a straightforwardly happy relationship and/or person doing this. The upheavals required need exceptional strength to survive and in the absence of children I'm not sure i would have it.

Babamamananarama · 13/09/2020 19:00

Having seen a close friend through the process of becoming a trans widow (with a kid) I would absolutely advise anyone against trying to stay and work things through. It's been a complete nightmare for her, which went on for years and years and years and caused huge amounts of pain. In her case it started as gender exploration but now her ex-husband lives as a woman and has recently had gender reassignment surgery.

Transition must be a very difficult journey to go on, but in my opinion it's just not fair to do it with a passenger in tow in the form of a committed partner.

HarryHarry1 · 13/09/2020 19:21

It’s not transphobic to say that you don’t want to stay married to someone if they transition. While I understand the argument that in theory it shouldn’t make any difference because he is only changing external things (appearance, name, legal gender) and is still basically the same person - the person you are supposed to love - in practice I couldn’t stay married to him because (1) I don’t believe a person can change their sex and I don’t believe in gender (2) I am deeply offended by the idea that any man knows what it feels like to be a woman let alone thinks he can become one just by putting on makeup and a dress (or even taking hormones or getting surgery). The idea of “living as a woman” seems to be all about performing insultingly retrogressive and harmful stereotypes of womanhood. To me it would signal a serious lack of respect for what and who I am and what I do. I also feel like it would be dishonest for me to pretend that I thought he was now a woman, and that I was suddenly in a same-sex marriage or that I still found him attractive, and I’m not willing to waste my life living a lie. Having said that I would try to be supportive of his decision and help him get counselling etc.

Beamur · 13/09/2020 19:30

@TimeForACheeseSandwich

It's awfully nice to see MN still isn't at all transphobic. Definitely not at all. Well, no more than about 90%.
Sexual attraction is exclusionary. Like it or not. If my DH decided to transition, he would no longer be the person I was attracted to. I might still love him and care for him, but I'm pretty sure I would no longer find him attractive. Phobic is simply the wrong word to use in this context. It diminishes my right to choose and consent. He can make his choices (hypothetically speaking) and I can make mine. I am not obligated to go along with his.
Noshowlomo · 13/09/2020 19:31

Divorce. 100%

AmandaHoldensLips · 13/09/2020 19:35

I'd hand him a list of all the (unpaid unappreciated) "womens work" we do and tell him to knock himself out.

Focusanddetermination · 13/09/2020 19:38

Get thee over to Feminism Chat 😁

SlipperyLizard · 13/09/2020 19:39

Having read and heard the stories of the various trans widows who frequent the feminism boards, I would cut straight to a divorce for the sake of my own mental health.

Dyinginsideatthecringe · 13/09/2020 19:40

Honestly I don't know what id do in that situation. It seems like your friend and her husband may need to seek therapy to try and work it out and see how they feel afterwards but if your friend isn't attracted to women (and/or transwomen in this case) then I don't see how she could continue the marriage.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 13/09/2020 19:42

I would be revolted by a male who thought female was a costume or an identity rather than a body that half of our species is born with and inhabit. It would indicate to me his deeply held view that female is a thing to be taken, tried on, used or consumed. That female is a thing that is obtainable for him, when in all truth and reality, it is not.