Dh with gender issues

[Paraparadiddlestamp]

What would you do if your dh announced he was confused about his gender and his body and wanted to explore the possibility of living as a woman or non-binary...? No children.

This is not my situation, but a friend I'm supporting. I'm hesitant to give much detail in case they see this and obviously it's a complicated and emotional situation. I'm just wondering how most people would react to this...

@Oxyiz

I know the response above is the correct, woke right-on one which we should all be parroting...

But counselling to force someone's "resistance" sounds pretty fucking chilling to me. And saying you'll go no contact with your kids or family if would question it has all the hallmarks of a cult.

Well, it's the one which completely subordinates the woman's needs and desires to the man's delusions needs and desires, I don't think we should all feel we have to parrot that.

I would be encouraging him to live as a woman. Firstly to gain the authentic experience he would be doing most of the housework and organising. Learning to cook. Arranging things. Doing the grocery shopping. Ensuring there is always milk. No point in just doing the dressing up it needs to be the full immersive experience!

Having read the transwidows threads and seen this play out in RL too, I'd say your friend's choices come down to "divorce now with her sanity intact" or "divorces later after a whole world of emotional pain."

Yes, a tiny handful of women stay with their spouse post transition, but for the vast majority it does not work.

Statistically the vast vast vast majority of men who (claim to) believe they are women are either gay or have autogynephilia. And in either case the idea that being a woman is just a feeling men can have in their heads is so breath takingly misogynistic that I can't believe so many people are falling for it. Any way you scratch it, the marriage is over. Tell her to thank her lucky stars she has no children by him and will therefore not need to battle his inevitable requests to be called mum. Whatever he's into, she doesn't need to be a part of it. The hills are that way ➡️

Good job there are no DCs. It means she can separate without having to remain in touch.
For me this would be a redline. I asked DH when we were getting serious if he had any inclination or desire to wear women's clothes as to me it was and is a complete deal breaker. This is 17 years ago so long before transitioning was a big thing.

Didn't say I'd force counselling! How would you even do that? But I'd shell out so that relatives can explore how to relate and reconnect to them/her during and after transition. And of course it'd be incredibly hard for things to stay the same with anyone who rejected and hurt my partner, as I would if they were racist towards them! Not (by way of correction) my DC though. Not least, it'd be REALLY awkward on the school run... (although sometimes I do wonder if they've gone low contact with me when I ask them to brush their teeth etc etc!) TBH though, I think the DC would probably get on board with it once they got used to the idea.

I'd divorce immediately. Would definitely not bring kids into this. No, wouldn't go to counselling, either, I don't have confusion about my sexual orientation or my sexual preferences. He changed the parameters under which we were married, therefore the agreement is null and void.

And in either case the idea that being a woman is just a feeling men can have in their heads is so breath takingly misogynistic that I can't believe so many people are falling for it

This.

What is it it be a woman? It's genetic/biological.

And to be 'feminine' ie the gender role usually associated with being a woman is to do the shit work.

I wonder if your friend's husband is going to take on the bulk of the housework, the mental load of maintaining the relationship (har har on that one!), putting his partner first, taking around a 15% pay cut, not be listened to in meetings, being told /she is aggressive when s/he speaks up ...

The list goes on. It'd not one women glory in, but if this man really has issues with being male. there's a lot he can do in terms of being gender non-conforming. But I doubt he'll do it. Most TW don't.

Leave. I don't want to be married to a woman no matter how much I love my husband. I'd be his friend but our romantic relationship would be dead and done.

And in either case the idea that being a woman is just a feeling men can have in their heads is so breath takingly misogynistic that I can't believe so many people are falling for it

But yes yes to this!

I thought this thread had died so I've only just looked at it again..! Anyway, thanks all for your thoughts.

A pp asked why it mattered to me what the majority would do. Good question, I suppose it doesn't really! I am firm in my own opinion on this. But without going too far in to it, my friend is very conflicted and seems to not believe me that for most this would be the end of the relationship. He has told her that most would be supportive and carry on and so she is tearing herself up not wanting to be unsupportive and intolerant, while simultaneously feeling that actually yes, this is a massive problem for her. I just wanted to reassure myself that he is indeed talking shite but I shouldn't have doubted it really. Man tells woman how to woman 🙄... Yes yes of course mate, now fuck off!

Personally I would leave. But I know a couple who accepted it and the woman now considers herself a lesbian.

Well the important thing is SHE doesnt want this and he is bullying her into it. She should most definitely leave as he sounds self absorbed. Unsurprisingly

He has told her that most would be supportive and carry on

Oh, the gaslighting ...

Send her to this site: www.transwidowsvoices.org/

Some of it is heartbreaking.

Most would be supportive?
To a friend - yeas, to a husband - rather grieving than supporting. He’s deluded at best, manipulative at worst (and the most likely). What a prick 🙄

I'm not going to defend him. He is a totally self absorbed, massive prick and he better hope we don't ever cross paths again... However, he's also actually a pretty 'progressive' sort (that's not quite the right word but can't think what I mean!). 30s, highly educated - in fact they both are - and he's always struck me as one of the good ones, pulls his weight, rejects negative gender stereotypes etc. So, I think he is a deluded prick, rather than a deliberately manipulative prick... However, I'm not sure that makes it better, and personally I'd divorce the prick for the deception and for ruining my life anyway!

I'll have a look, thanks "ItalianHat*

However, he's also actually a pretty 'progressive' sort (that's not quite the right word but can't think what I mean!). 30s, highly educated - in fact they both are - and he's always struck me as one of the good ones, pulls his weight, rejects negative gender stereotypes etc.

So he comes over progressive when he wants to please you, but rolls over and takes it when men engage in misogynistic abuse of you...even has a go at you instead of them. There's a word for that, and it's not progressive, though it might still start with P.

Oh God, I'm sorry. Wrong thread!

Well, he would say that wouldn't he...
If he was less self centred he would be asking how she was feeling about such a chance to the dynamic of their relationship rather than demanding she supports him.

I know and work with the exact type of men who fit your description OP. Also v educated etc. They trouble me much more than the old fashioned misogynist types. It can be an extremely creepy experience.

My ex's brother in law transitioned. It did follow the pattern a lot of women describe, of him spending an excessive amount of family money on clothes, making her daughter go clothes shopping with him, and insisting all sex was with him dressed 'as a woman' etc.

I would definitely link her to some stuff, so she doesn't believe his lie that most women would be ok with it.

Tell her to read up on AGP males. If that's him then she should divorce him. He's probably just in love with himself as a woman and making her participate in his fetish. Tosser.

There's a type of progressive man - the phrase used nowadays is "woke" - who simply layers his apparent "progressiveness" over basic male entitlement.

I saw this with hippies in the 1970s, and it happened in the Occupy movement (rapes in all those piously set up Occupy camps) and I'll bet it's the dynamic of Extinction Rebellion. One sees it in the Green Party too. And the left wing of the Labour Party.

They're all keen to claim to be progressive while kicking women in the face. And mansplaining feminism to actual women.

If he's uncomfortable with masculinity (and who wouldn't be uncomfortable with some of the more toxic masculinist behaviour?) then he could be really revolutionary, and observe what women have to do, and take some of the burden from his wife, and his mother, and his sister, and his female friends and colleagues.

He could become a good feminist ally - but that would mean stepping back, giving women the spotlight, and doing the shitwork to support them.

And pigs might fly

I would tell him that therefore I am transitioning to a man and proceed to do fuck all except the things I wanted to do and leave him to do everything else. See how much he likes being in a woman’s role then.

Firstly, I would consider he may be having some kind of breakdown, and look at getting him some help. If that's not the case, I would divorce, as I couldn't live my life indulging his fetish.

@RUOKHon