Dh with gender issues

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What would you do if your dh announced he was confused about his gender and his body and wanted to explore the possibility of living as a woman or non-binary...? No children.

This is not my situation, but a friend I'm supporting. I'm hesitant to give much detail in case they see this and obviously it's a complicated and emotional situation. I'm just wondering how most people would react to this...

Lol. If you don’t stay married you’re transphobic 😂

I’d say brilliant, here’s the kids, I’m off cycling for six hours and then maybe to the pub, can’t tell you what time I’ll be home so maybe leave dinner in the oven, there’s a love!

Everyone is non bloody binary.
I don’t imagine he is thinking of chopping off any balls, very few people do that. He is probably thinking how sexy he would feel in traditionally feminine clothes.
But yes, divorce. Tell your friend to looks at the trans widows threads and read up on autogynaephiles.
I remember years ago reading an article in the Observer, the journo had gone to what was then called a transvestite convention. One of the weary wives said that in the past her husband wouldn’t help around the house because it was a woman’s job , now he wouldn’t do it in case he chipped his nail varnish....

@HarryHarry1

It’s not transphobic to say that you don’t want to stay married to someone if they transition. While I understand the argument that in theory it shouldn’t make any difference because he is only changing external things (appearance, name, legal gender) and is still basically the same person - the person you are supposed to love - in practice I couldn’t stay married to him because (1) I don’t believe a person can change their sex and I don’t believe in gender (2) I am deeply offended by the idea that any man knows what it feels like to be a woman let alone thinks he can become one just by putting on makeup and a dress (or even taking hormones or getting surgery). The idea of “living as a woman” seems to be all about performing insultingly retrogressive and harmful stereotypes of womanhood. To me it would signal a serious lack of respect for what and who I am and what I do. I also feel like it would be dishonest for me to pretend that I thought he was now a woman, and that I was suddenly in a same-sex marriage or that I still found him attractive, and I’m not willing to waste my life living a lie. Having said that I would try to be supportive of his decision and help him get counselling etc.

I completely agree with all your points, HarryHarry1. It's nothing but an insult to believe that a man is able to begin to comprehend womanhood, and it shows a total lack of respect that they think they can.

@Sexnotgender

Lol. If you don’t stay married you’re transphobic 😂

Women are just service humans innit

Therapy and counselling initially, it kind of depends on their relationship does the confused person also want space from the marriage?

Divorce

Why does the woman need therapy? To get her to accept the husbands sudden desire to embrace his fragrant inner femininity?

@WoobyWoo

I’d say brilliant, here’s the kids, I’m off cycling for six hours and then maybe to the pub, can’t tell you what time I’ll be home so maybe leave dinner in the oven, there’s a love!

Brilliant

If my husband told me he thinks he’s a woman, a duck, or a piece of Lego, my first port of call would be to try and support him through his mental health issues.

If a husband thought he was a duck or a piece of Lego, people would naturally attempt to rid him of his delusion. Unfortunately, if he thought he was a woman, they would encourage and affirm it.
Bonkers.

I completely agree with all your points, HarryHarry1. It's nothing but an insult to believe that a man is able to begin to comprehend womanhood, and it shows a total lack of respect that they think they can.

I am in agreement with everything**@Harryharry1** said as well.

The pp who infers divorce means transphobic... well that's just madness.

Divorce. Husband agrees if I transitioned he would also divorce me. We'd prob stay friends or at least civil but no way would we stay married.

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

I would be revolted by a male who thought female was a costume or an identity rather than a body that half of our species is born with and inhabit. It would indicate to me his deeply held view that female is a thing to be taken, tried on, used or consumed. That female is a thing that is obtainable for him, when in all truth and reality, it is not.

Exactly this.

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

I would be revolted by a male who thought female was a costume or an identity rather than a body that half of our species is born with and inhabit. It would indicate to me his deeply held view that female is a thing to be taken, tried on, used or consumed. That female is a thing that is obtainable for him, when in all truth and reality, it is not.

This. Reading this reminds me of the character in silence of the lambs (book) who made himself a suit of women's skins to wear. And thought of real women as 'it'. And that's where so much of the TRA movement is headed. Like they take the rights of women but not the bits that aren't good. Latest being thinking that competing in women's sports should be ok.

My friends first husband has had a complete sex change.
She met him when she was 17 and he was late 20s. She became pregnant fairly quickly. They married and ended up having two sons.
She often felt her clothes / wardrobe was not as she left it, but never asked any questions.
Next she noticed her husbands personality was changing ( he had bought female hormone medication off the internet ) again unknown to her.
The marriage broke down , and eventually his parents paid for his op.

I married a man, I am only attracted to men and only want to be in a relationship with a man
I could accommodate a lot of changes in my marriage but not a change of gender

@AmandaHoldensLips

I'd hand him a list of all the (unpaid unappreciated) "womens work" we do and tell him to knock himself out.

I'd definitely be wanting to know what he thinks being a woman is or gender neutral. Because if it's just about avoiding stereotypes, then sure, I could probably cope with that. But if it means he wants to dress like a sexy 60s movie star, talk about having periods etc I'd know that he's just another man who has no idea about real womanhood or respect for women. And that means he can't possibly have any respect for me.

I'd support him/they/her as best I could - this may mean counselling together and separately and with (in my case) children and any other family member who was resistant to someone they love living as their authentic self. I would also be right by his/their/her side in going NC with anyone who subjected us to bigotry or prejudice as a result.

Divorce. I have no interest in being in a relationship with someone who has 'gender issues'.

@TimeForACheeseSandwich

It's awfully nice to see MN still isn't at all transphobic. Definitely not at all. Well, no more than about 90%.

No one cares about being called transphobic anymore love, either on mumsnet or off.

No one cares about being called transphobic anymore love, either on mumsnet or off.

This.

It’s a meaningless word used to try and stop us uppity women talking.

It would be separation for me too. From my perspective I married a "cis" straight man. If that changed for them, fine, no judgement, but it's a breach of my contract of marriage. It's not unsupportive of gender exploration to lay out your own personal boundaries.

I know the response above is the correct, woke right-on one which we should all be parroting...

But counselling to force someone's "resistance" sounds pretty fucking chilling to me. And saying you'll go no contact with your kids or family if would question it has all the hallmarks of a cult.