Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants open marriage, but I refuse. Divorce looming.

133 replies

Motherof2pearls · 07/09/2020 21:41

Husband wants open marriage, but I refuse. Divorce looming.

Hi, I have been in and out of these threads for a couple of years now dealing with my serial adulterer husband. A few days ago he told me he wants an open marriage with his mistress of nearly 10 years. He wants to go very public with her as his partner but keeping me as his wife. He thinks this would be a great situation, which keeps the family together, he has his lover and doesn’t have to hide her anymore. I was utterly dismayed by this, but he cannot understand why I would reject it. I said I felt humiliation and hurt with him parading her all over town, but he just said what do you care, you don’t know these people anyway. He thinks people would think it was an ideal situation and very cool and he cannot see how I could possibly object! Is he gaslighting me again? He says he wants to enjoy the rest of his life with his young lover who worships the ground he walks on. He says life is too short to have the quiet life with me. He constantly says I am his soulmate and he loves me, but in the same sentence he will say he loves her too and wants to be with her so he needs us both in his life

We have 2 grown up sons of 21 and 22, who live at home occasionally. He says if I don’t accept his conditions this is all my choice, and it will be my choice to break up the marriage and break up the family as I’m so unreasonable. But I never made these choices. I never chose to marry A serial adulterer. I never chose to be fighting with a mistress for the past few years. I never chose to be in this position. It’s cruel of him to say That if we divorce it will be my fault!

OK what do you all you mumsnetters think about my situation? I’m pretty sure we’re going to divorce, no other option. But I just want someone to tell me that I’m not mad, I’m not unreasonable. I need someone to tell me he’s a complete bastard and his mistress is a psycho bitch and I’ve been caught between the two of them. Incidentally we’re supposed to be celebrating our 30th marriage anniversary next week! It’s also sad isn’t it!

Please, someone, tell me I’m not mad and I’m not unreasonable and that my feelings would be the same as any normal sane married woman. Just need to hear it, because I mainly just get him and his snide remarks.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 07/09/2020 21:46

If it’s an open marriage you both get to fool around. Tell him you’ve found a young man you’d like to go open with on your side, make him super jealous. See his reaction. ... in all honesty though I’d just leave him. At 21 and 22 your sons also deserve to know why you are divorcing the twat and if they are reasonable they should blame him not you.

yetmorecrap · 07/09/2020 21:47

OP, you are completely sane- he is one hell of a cheeky git- why does he want this? Why not just divorce as you have adult children? Is it because he wants everyone to think he’s a nice guy or is it because half of what he has isn’t looking so great? Or is it because he doesn’t want to lose you as a friend and thinks this way you will stay in his life? What’s his reasoning?

Shizzlestix · 07/09/2020 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Kitkatandcoffee · 07/09/2020 21:50

He is mad. Divorce him and have a lovely life without all the stress.
Nobody will think it’s cool. They will think he is a dirty cheat, deservedly.
He is totally gaslighting you and lying to himself. He wants to shag about having you at home for his home comforts. Go see a solicitor and get the ball rolling.

ApplestheHare · 07/09/2020 21:50

You are totally sane. Your feelings are totally valid. You can, and deserve to be, happier than you are while putting up with your husband.

fallfallfall · 07/09/2020 21:52

your son's will understand. would you want one of them in an "open" relationship (which is usually only open on one side...). save your dignity and dump the chump. he's probably more worried about his pocket book anyway.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/09/2020 21:52

Is he on glue? Of course it's not a totally cool solution.

You have agency in this relationship and it's time to exercise it. Dump his sorry arse and do it now. You don't have to have his permission. Fuck him right off.

Welshgal85 · 07/09/2020 21:53

OP you are not being unreasonable at all. He does sound like a complete bastard! He is just thinking about himself and what he wants, what about you and what you need?

You deserve someone who truly respects you, is kind, loving and cares about your needs too! Don’t settle for anything else. Clearly if you divorce the fault will not be yours, he is just saying that to manipulate you it seems so he can have the best of both worlds. What an arsehole!

Songsofexperience · 07/09/2020 21:53

him you’ve found a young man you’d like to go open with on your side, make him super jealous. See his reaction. ..

Don't do that as that's exactly what he's hoping you'd do, leaving him off the hook. Make the bastard squirm instead. Don't even ask if you're sane. Get a solicitor on speed dial.

showmethewaytothemagic · 07/09/2020 21:53

So if he wants to not be secretive will your sons be told anyway or do they already know about the mistress? Is the mistress ok with him keeping your marriage ?

I think it's ridiculous to be honest. Even without this how could you celebrate 30 years, if he's been cheating all this time. I'm open minded if that's what you both want, but you don't.

Just spilt the boys are old enough, and you'll be fine. Take him to the cleaners though.

SoulofanAggron · 07/09/2020 21:54

I'm so sorry to hear how you're being treated. Sad Flowers He is taking advantage of your feelings for him/your DC.

A few days ago he told me he wants an open marriage with his mistress of nearly 10 years

WTF no- end. Sounds like you've suffered for far too long already. Bite the bullet and finish it.

He says he wants to enjoy the rest of his life with his young lover who worships the ground he walks on.

Well then, remind him thhat the door is that-a-way.

It’s cruel of him to say That if we divorce it will be my fault!

I'm glad you recognize this. It's manipulative and completely untrue. Please try and dismiss what he's saying there. No-one who heard how he's been acting would think you're being unreasonable. His actions are what are making your 'marriage' untenable.

Please, someone, tell me I’m not mad and I’m not unreasonable and that my feelings would be the same as any normal sane married woman.

Absolutely. Ask anyone. xxx

lesleyw1953 · 07/09/2020 21:54

You poor thing! What a total arse you have married. Get yourself to a solicitor right away and sort your finances. Speak to your sons tell them you love them but life with their father is unbearable. Then LTB - and don't look back. In a years time you won't recognise the sad woman you were - and he will be regretting losing you. Sending lots of hugs ..

NotaWickedStepMum55 · 07/09/2020 21:56

He thinks people would think it was an ideal situation and very cool and he cannot see how I could possibly object!

'People' won't think that at all....He may want his cake etc etc, but you really really don't have to let him. You have grounds for divorce.

I think the first thing you should do is get your husband in a room with your sons and ask him to explain to them exactly what he wants, see how that works out for him.

Get out, hold your head up, and keep reading this thread....

Krazynights34 · 07/09/2020 21:58

Presuming this is true... why would you not divorce? Presuming you have assets? Start a new life... with someone who worships you!

ProtectedOne · 07/09/2020 21:58

What's in it for you?
Nothing.
What a wanker saying it'll be your fault if you divorce.
It'll look cool? What a wanker
I implore you to divorce him.
L T B

Middersweekly · 07/09/2020 21:58

He wants his to have his cake and eat it! You never agreed to an open marriage 10 years ago when he started his affair. It’s totally unacceptable to “ask” for that now. Fuck that and fuck him OP. Get a shit hot solicitor and take him to the cleaners! Wonder how much his young mistress will want to be with him then!

HowDeeDooDee · 07/09/2020 22:01

If you divorce him he will soon get bored with ow and she will get bored with him. Its all a game with them both. He thinks it makes him exciting and interesting. It doesn't. Its very sad 1970s swinging. Dont play their silly games any more. He is not a prize worth winning. Get your paperwork in order. Tell the kids who wont be at all impressed with him. You dont need this crap in your life.

pallisers · 07/09/2020 22:01

Meet your sons for lunch. Tell them exactly what has been going on and how their father proposes you should live from now on. Explain that of course you aren't accepting that and will be divorcing him because he is highly unreasonable/batshit crazy/so far up his own arse he isn't visible anymore - take your pick.

Then divorce him.

I feel sorry for the other woman facing life with that wanker.

occa · 07/09/2020 22:02

Of course he thinks it's an ideal situation! He gets to keep a firm grip on both his assets and his lover and still have you at home to wash his underwear.

Say hell no, get an amazing lawyer, tell EVERYONE what he's up to and then go off and live your life free of this horrid man.

JulesCobb · 07/09/2020 22:02

Divorce him for adultery. You are not in an open marriage, he has been cheating on you.

He cannot understand why you would reject the idea because he keeps cheating on you and youve done nothing. That told him you accepted it.

Get rid.

MorrisZapp · 07/09/2020 22:02

How will these people in town know that he's married to you but has a young lover? None of this makes sense.

TOFO1965 · 07/09/2020 22:03

I don’t think your husband would care at all if you were shagging half the town, so I wouldn’t bother with that caper. The mistress probably isn’t psycho, but she is deluded putting up with this nonsense. As are you. Get out! He’s an absolute twat who has been indulged by the pair of you. Leave them at it and build a better life for yourself.

RoseTintedAtuin · 07/09/2020 22:06

Wow OP that’s an extreme mid-life crisis he is having. He is absolutely off his head if he thinks his position is acceptable! I really hope you leave him, get yourself a nice house and a dog or a cat (they are great company and give unconditional love and support which it sounds like you’ve been missing in your relationship for such a long time).
I’m not normally as quick to say leave but You deserve to be happy and it certainly isn’t going to happen with him in your life.

Notmyrealname855 · 07/09/2020 22:06

Divorce him for adultery.

  1. Keep any evidence of his adultery.
  1. Collect any info showing his assets and cash etc.
  1. Meanwhile tell him you’re considering but need time.
  1. Speak to a shit hot lawyer.

You owe him nothing. Divorce and never see him again, he sounds vile. You are incredibly strong to not be taken in by his disgusting rubbish.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 07/09/2020 22:08

Get him out the door & let it slam him in the arse. Let him go to this ow with his skiddy kecks & see how long her adoration lasts when the mundane everyday stuff comes with him but the wallet is half empty. You deserve far better. And agree with above. Make him tell your sons what a selfish poor excuse of a husband he is.