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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants open marriage, but I refuse. Divorce looming.

133 replies

Motherof2pearls · 07/09/2020 21:41

Husband wants open marriage, but I refuse. Divorce looming.

Hi, I have been in and out of these threads for a couple of years now dealing with my serial adulterer husband. A few days ago he told me he wants an open marriage with his mistress of nearly 10 years. He wants to go very public with her as his partner but keeping me as his wife. He thinks this would be a great situation, which keeps the family together, he has his lover and doesn’t have to hide her anymore. I was utterly dismayed by this, but he cannot understand why I would reject it. I said I felt humiliation and hurt with him parading her all over town, but he just said what do you care, you don’t know these people anyway. He thinks people would think it was an ideal situation and very cool and he cannot see how I could possibly object! Is he gaslighting me again? He says he wants to enjoy the rest of his life with his young lover who worships the ground he walks on. He says life is too short to have the quiet life with me. He constantly says I am his soulmate and he loves me, but in the same sentence he will say he loves her too and wants to be with her so he needs us both in his life

We have 2 grown up sons of 21 and 22, who live at home occasionally. He says if I don’t accept his conditions this is all my choice, and it will be my choice to break up the marriage and break up the family as I’m so unreasonable. But I never made these choices. I never chose to marry A serial adulterer. I never chose to be fighting with a mistress for the past few years. I never chose to be in this position. It’s cruel of him to say That if we divorce it will be my fault!

OK what do you all you mumsnetters think about my situation? I’m pretty sure we’re going to divorce, no other option. But I just want someone to tell me that I’m not mad, I’m not unreasonable. I need someone to tell me he’s a complete bastard and his mistress is a psycho bitch and I’ve been caught between the two of them. Incidentally we’re supposed to be celebrating our 30th marriage anniversary next week! It’s also sad isn’t it!

Please, someone, tell me I’m not mad and I’m not unreasonable and that my feelings would be the same as any normal sane married woman. Just need to hear it, because I mainly just get him and his snide remarks.

OP posts:
Ariela · 08/09/2020 10:05

You should shout from the rooftops the reason you are divorcing him, and not be ashamed. It is not your fault. it is him and his choice.

Get a SHL and every penny out of him you can so you suffer no more.

AutumnSuns · 08/09/2020 10:07

You are sane.
Yes the choice is yours to divorce but the fault is his. Anyone who asks you can say he wanted an open marriage with his mistress if 10 years.

Don’t fight for his attention with her just leave. He can be with her then if he really wants full time. Your sons will understand

Sleepsoon7 · 08/09/2020 10:09

Order ‘Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life’ by Tracy Schorn. Amazon have it in paper or audio format. There is a website ChumpLady.com and a Facebook group Chump Lady Nation (Infidelity Support). Another mumsnet contributor recommended this a few months ago on a similar thread and I am so grateful they did as it has really helped me gain perspective in my own situation (different to yours but involving cheating). The book is both amusing and full of lightbulb moments. Sending hugs x

Bunnymumy · 08/09/2020 10:12

Who is it even hurting if the marriage ends anyway. I bet your grown kids will be proud of you for turning the jerk out on his arse! And surely you dont want to stay with a cheating, manipulating gaslighting prick for ever more? Choose freedom I say!

Sleepsoon7 · 08/09/2020 10:12

Ps - you are not mad and not unreasonable - that is part of the gaslighting as you suspect 💐

Plentyofshit · 08/09/2020 10:15

No - his adultery is responsible for your marriage break up!!
I would view this purely on what YOU want - and your happiness.
If you still want him around, enjoy your time with him, have financial stability, don’t want to disrupt your home life - then don’t divorce - but you are completely free to find your own lover - and I would do this 1million percent!!!
Or - divorce him and start your own new life!

ShebaShimmyShake · 08/09/2020 15:23

OK what do you all you mumsnetters think about my situation?

I think he is a weak, selfish, unworthy, cowardly shitstain of a man and it's high time he learned that the world doesn't exist to serve him with everything he wants. Get rid of him, let him blame you if he wants, who gives a shit what he thinks? If things are so great with the mistress, let that suffice them for the rest of their lives. He isn't capable of being happy unless everyone around him does the hard work for him, so let's see how it pans out when it's everyday reality rather than escapism...

Cheeseandwin5 · 08/09/2020 16:03

I would be interested why you stayed after the first affair also his your sex life has been over the years

Dery · 08/09/2020 16:17

"Yes the choice is yours to divorce but the fault is his. Anyone who asks you can say he wanted an open marriage with his mistress if 10 years."

^This. My parents' marriage broke down because my father wanted to continue to have affairs and my mum said she wasn't willing to remain married in those circumstances.

It's perfectly reasonable of you to object. But as PP said: who cares what he thinks? Cultivate indifference. Cut him loose and start living your best life.

Jpowe · 08/09/2020 16:17

Divorce him and make a new life for yourself. If it was my husband, he'd be booted out the door and his bags hitting his head in the way out

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/09/2020 16:20

Has his mistress agreed to an open relationship? Once he's divorced you, there's a nice big vacancy for another woman in there...

What a git he is.

Treehuggertastic · 08/09/2020 19:31

Just get on with it. I just read your other threads and do you really want to be posting again in 18 months? Just get rid and stop wasting your life.

KeepingPlain · 08/09/2020 19:45

Agreed with a previous poster. You've been making threads about this guy for years. You're not going to leave him.

I would actually stay in your position because you don't want to break up the family, stay, agree to the open relationship and get a boyfriend. You get a lover too, so does he, and you don't lose out on any of the assets. I don't think you're strong enough to come out of a divorce as the winner with most of the assets, so stay, get a boyfriend and just see your husband as a cash machine.

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2020 20:01

You were looking for a divorce lawyer 3 years ago! Why are you still there?

Do your children know?

Lozzerbmc · 09/09/2020 19:32

How are you doing OP?

Original poster
Motherof2pearls · 09/09/2020 21:24

I just wanted everyone for your support and handholding. After such a long marriage it’s been really frightening and difficult. But I am going ahead with the divorce, a couple pointed out that I was talking about this three years ago, so enough is enough. Thank you again, you’ve all been towers of strength for me.

OP posts:
MadameMeursault · 09/09/2020 21:44

You are completely sane and reasonable. He is an unreasonable, gaslighting, cheating bastard. It would be his fault if you divorce not yours. He’s the one that broke the marriage vows. Very very few women would put up with their husbands openly having a mistress. Dump him OP, and take him to the cleaners.

MadameTuffington · 09/09/2020 22:29

Oh f*k him - how dare he - this is precisely the reason why I have been single and celibate for 6 years - men are absolute shts - I would be tempted to suggest you take a younger lover but then I’m guessing you love him and are happy with a conventional relationship so why should you? So hard for you but my advice is leave, be single for a while and them seek out a decent man (they must exist I guess). I hope your sons learn from him how NOT to behave. I think you sound incrediblly sweet and brave and I wish you happiness.

MsDogLady · 09/09/2020 22:40

This despicable man started cheating when you were diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. He has had 2 mistresses and other girlfriends. For 10-12 years you have tolerated the blatant disrespect of this entitled narcissist. Now he intends to go public and expects you to sanction it.

OP, he chose long ago to make a mockery of you and your sons. He has destroyed the family. What a terrible relationship model your children have witnessed.

I hope that you will follow through with divorce this time. You have agency here. You can create a very fulfilling future for yourself.

a00031 · 09/09/2020 23:05

He can't have cake and eat it too. I would feel very disrespected as a women and would leave him. I've been with my husband for 10 years and if he did this to me I would have to leave him. Your sons are adults now and I'm sure they would understand. If you can't make this situation work I wouldn't stay in it. What he's doing to you go live your life and see how he reacts because I'm sure he wouldn't like it. Go be happy...

Original poster
Motherof2pearls · 09/09/2020 23:42

Thank you everyone for your support. I have been a coward but I am going to follow through with the divorce this time. Thank you for all your support and kind words and even the harsh ones too. Sending big hugs to you all.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 10/09/2020 01:00

This despicable man started cheating when you were diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. He has had 2 mistresses and other girlfriends

Oh god I didn't realise that, what a revolting excuse for a human being. Please, please free yourself OP - you deserve some peace and happiness. Time to hand over the baton to the mistress and gleefully watch the shit storm that subsequently follows when he starts his shinanigans with her.

Seriously i'd be getting the fucking bunting out and putting my feet up with the popcorn 😂

Lozzerbmc · 10/09/2020 07:13

Good to see your update that you will divorce him. I didnt realise he cheated when he should have been supporting you through breast cancer. That is the ultimate low thing to do.

You will not regret divorcing him. You’ll realise you should have done it sooner. Are you close to your boys? You should tell them.

Get a good solicitor as he will play nasty in the divorce as his comfortable world is ending. Be strong, know you are worth more. He is the loser.

Take it each day at a time as its overwhelming I know. I was devastated at the end of my marriage and truly thought I couldnt get over it (i didnt want to). But now years later it was the best thing ever. It was the making of me. Set yourself free - it will be hard I know but you will be happier for it ultimately. Got to be worth it right? We’re right behind you. Flowers

Lozzerbmc · 10/09/2020 07:20

And dont think you’re a coward, you are not. The time wasnt right then. Your time is now. Start on the path towards future happiness and peace.

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/09/2020 08:25

You are most definitely NOT mad and yes, your reactions are completely normal.

One thing I would say is that he has got very used to the status quo of having two women in his life which has offered him the thrill of the forbidden as well as the domestic comforts of life.

By divorcing him, you are going to be throwing a HUUUGE spanner in the works of that dynamic. He may find his younger mistress no longer finds him quite as appealing once he's no longer married and he transfers all the stuff you do for him on to her. He may not like the change of status caused by the divorce. Older male, cast off by his wife of 30 years for his persistent philandering hardly casts him in a favourable light.

I am not saying you should be concerned by his thoughts or feelings, just ensure you are prepared for him to up the anti to the divorce (maybe by love-bombing you, or by trying to scare you that no one will ever want you, you're going to lose so much, you're ruining the boys' lives, he'll stop cheating, who knows what he'll come out with once he realises his cosy little set up is going to come crashing down around his ears.... but you get the picture). Don't let any of this throw you off course: he will say and try anything to try and keep his life the way it is.

Also just remember, you do not need him to say to you "You were right" for it to be so.

Wishing you tons of courage and luck Flowers

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