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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants open marriage, but I refuse. Divorce looming.

133 replies

Motherof2pearls · 07/09/2020 21:41

Husband wants open marriage, but I refuse. Divorce looming.

Hi, I have been in and out of these threads for a couple of years now dealing with my serial adulterer husband. A few days ago he told me he wants an open marriage with his mistress of nearly 10 years. He wants to go very public with her as his partner but keeping me as his wife. He thinks this would be a great situation, which keeps the family together, he has his lover and doesn’t have to hide her anymore. I was utterly dismayed by this, but he cannot understand why I would reject it. I said I felt humiliation and hurt with him parading her all over town, but he just said what do you care, you don’t know these people anyway. He thinks people would think it was an ideal situation and very cool and he cannot see how I could possibly object! Is he gaslighting me again? He says he wants to enjoy the rest of his life with his young lover who worships the ground he walks on. He says life is too short to have the quiet life with me. He constantly says I am his soulmate and he loves me, but in the same sentence he will say he loves her too and wants to be with her so he needs us both in his life

We have 2 grown up sons of 21 and 22, who live at home occasionally. He says if I don’t accept his conditions this is all my choice, and it will be my choice to break up the marriage and break up the family as I’m so unreasonable. But I never made these choices. I never chose to marry A serial adulterer. I never chose to be fighting with a mistress for the past few years. I never chose to be in this position. It’s cruel of him to say That if we divorce it will be my fault!

OK what do you all you mumsnetters think about my situation? I’m pretty sure we’re going to divorce, no other option. But I just want someone to tell me that I’m not mad, I’m not unreasonable. I need someone to tell me he’s a complete bastard and his mistress is a psycho bitch and I’ve been caught between the two of them. Incidentally we’re supposed to be celebrating our 30th marriage anniversary next week! It’s also sad isn’t it!

Please, someone, tell me I’m not mad and I’m not unreasonable and that my feelings would be the same as any normal sane married woman. Just need to hear it, because I mainly just get him and his snide remarks.

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 07/09/2020 23:42

Take him to the cleaners. Won't be so enjoyable for him on half his money and pension with his mistress then will it?

notapizzaeater · 07/09/2020 23:45

Your children have left home - I'm not sure what family he thinks is going to split ? Run for the hills getting as much as you can enroute !

TeaForTara · 07/09/2020 23:47

There’s a line in the marriage vows (if you married in church) which says “forsaking all others”. You are not responsible for the divorce, whatever he says. He’s the one who broke his wedding vows so he is the only one responsible.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 07/09/2020 23:49

I've never said this before.... LTB! I agree with other posters, he doesn't want to share all the assets of the marriage with you. Bin him off and enjoy the rest of your life without him.

Twaddledee · 07/09/2020 23:56

He clearly has some sort of personality disorder. You are 100% in the right here.

SBTLove · 07/09/2020 23:59

Your DC are adults, why are you clinging onto a dead marriage? get rid and enjoy life.
A mistress of 10 years? why on earth have you tolerated this?
Stop being a doormat, you deserve better!

Yeahnahmum · 08/09/2020 00:13

Jeeez op. You stayed with him even though you knew of his affair. If ten years. And now he is just taking the piss! !!!!!!!!!!!
You are not breaking up a family. You are saving your sanity, by leaving.

Choose life. Choose happiness. Choose you. Leave this toxic sham of a marriage behind.

Onthedunes · 08/09/2020 00:20

Blimey, he thinks a lot about himself doesn't he ?
I hope he has money..... take it, before the other woman spends your half.

Bluntness100 · 08/09/2020 00:23

You’re already in an open marriage. You know he’s been cheating on you for a decade. The only difference here is other people knowing it.

Is this not really you’re accepting an open marriage as long as you can pretend people don’t know?

Opentooffers · 08/09/2020 00:41

The only crazy bit on your part is that you didn't dump the sleazebag years ago. He's likely not up for divorce because he doesn't want to lose some wealth and lifestyle, if you were really his soulmate, he would not have done this to you. What he says has no bearing on reality, his bad, and you can divorce him on grounds of adultery, and that would be an entirely sane thing to do. Mad would be complying with his pie in the sky wishes that only suit his needs.

AlwaysLatte · 08/09/2020 00:47

This is abuse, the things he is doing and saying. It will not be your fault the family split up, it will be the fault of your husband and his decision to take a 10 year mistress!!! If I were you I would ditch him (do go through it with a solicitor before you say a word though!). Do it and walk away from him, you deserve much better.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 08/09/2020 00:50

Hmmm. He’s disgusting

KimMarie34 · 08/09/2020 01:15

He wants to have his cake and eat it.

I'm shocked that he would consider this reasonable in the slightest.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/09/2020 02:06

HAve you said "OK. But you realise that that means I can see other people too? And I will be exercising that right"

I rather think that this is about him wanting to not have to share the marital assets, on the offchance you say yes, and not wanting to look like the bad guy if you say no.

The fact that you can (and should) tell anyone with ears that he has had a mistress for 10 years, will kill that fantasy for him.

I feel sorry for OW. Throwing away her youth and fertility on someone who will use her until she is no longer fun and young and then sling her off and come creeping back to you when he has realise dhe cant pull anymore. Its is almost word for word what my Uncle did to my Aunt. She wouldnt give him the satisfaction of leaving him and he didnt want to be the bad guy, she clung to the fact one say she would be free of him.

And then she died many years before him.

Dont be her. Please.

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/09/2020 02:16

Is he gaslighting me again

YES!

All this is down to not wanting to split the assets, and having somewhere to go when they argue. He can then bounce back and forth between you to whoever is telling him what he wants to hear on that particular day/week/month.

If you want any sort of peace and normality to your life divorcing him is the only way to go. You know he will never be loyal and trying to get him to be is a never-ending cycle of fuckery and pointless drama.

Gather financial info, consult a solicitor QUIETLY and stick it to him.

Gothamgirl1970 · 08/09/2020 02:41

I was separated from my late husband when he died and the reason for the separation was because he graciously (not) gave me a choice of an open marriage (with all of us living together and she was 19 and pregnant by my H). Although I would not have agreed to an open marriage under any circumstances, folks I know say that the opening of a marriage conversation is not one that’s had because one party has been having an affair and wants to somehow justify and legitimatise it by getting you to agree. I’m sorry to give this opinion and I don’t know when you learned about the 10 YEAR affair but this like my late husband was a lying cheating adulterous bastard trying to have his cake and eat it too. Also what kind of woman would have a 10 year affair with your husband, which surely hurt you and your mental health and now wants to be your sister wife? You deserve so much better than this pond scum. Hand him over lock stock and barrel to the other woman. Hugs

Gothamgirl1970 · 08/09/2020 02:45

@Bluntness100 I disagree. An open marriage is discussed, planned, boundaries in place and agreement on both sides.

He’s screwed he self esteem and respect and dignity.

I don’t remember who posted this but I agree to tell absolutely everyone. No one will think badly of you but don’t let him control some crazy narrative

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 08/09/2020 03:06

I am unable to comprehend how you have stuck it out this long @Motherof2pearls

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 08/09/2020 03:08

This reply has been deleted

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1forAll74 · 08/09/2020 03:31

Well he''s a fine specimen of a man isn't he. I am not sure how you have put up with all his crap and behaviour for so long.

What do your two young men sons think about all this, I am sure they would like you to have a new and better life now.

I have never had to deal with a man with this kind of half wit mindset, but I think that most people would say that your Husband is not worthy of being a Husband, and having a proper family life.

Divorce looming you say, Yes if you can do this.You need to be the better person now, and cast the man and his other woman into the shadows for good.

badg3r · 08/09/2020 03:38

An open marriage where one side does not agree to it is called adultery. Of course you are being completely reasonable. Why should you agree to a polyamorous relationship when we will not agree to a monogamous one?

KihoBebiluPute · 08/09/2020 04:04

polyamorous relationships can work if they are what everyone involved is happy with, but that kind of thing is nothing like what your DH is wanting to set up. his plan is founded fundamentally on misogyny as he wants to compartmentalise women into stereotypes and have you in the role of wife and his mistress as lover. This is only possible if both the women really only exist for his pleasure and don't really have any thoughts, feelings or aspirations of their own. sadly for him.you are a real genuine human just as valid and complex as he is.

Marriage when established between two equals is a partnership to share their lives together and support one another in all sorts of ways through thick and thin. it is impossible to convert such a partnership into the kind of arrangement your DH wants but it seems that the idea of marriage in your DHs eyes is more about serving his own desires than being half of a committed partnership.

so yes I think the marriage is probably broken beyond repair. I am so sorry you are going through this.

eaglejulesk · 08/09/2020 04:28

Get rid - and explain the reason why to your sons.

Buntyjones · 08/09/2020 04:45

End it - he'll soon realise what he's lost and by then, you will have moved on with someone who gives a shit!

"Once a man has tasted caviar, it baffles me how they settle for catfish."

Oncemorewithfeelin · 08/09/2020 04:50

I can only see a few reasons for him to request to stay married and keep his mistress.

1.Do you do all the crap household stuff? Life with the mistress wouldn’t be half as exciting if they have to do all mundane shit tasks themselves.

2.Do you have a lot of marital assets that he doesn’t want to lose?

  1. Is he a narcissist who can’t be seen as the bad guy so is wanting you to be the one to end the marriage.
  1. Sticking with the narcissist theme, he may feel he is doing you a favour staying married.
  1. The mistress may not want to be named on your divorce as the other woman

You don’t say much about how much you actually get out the marriage. Do you get any happiness or enjoyment from it? Is there a reason you stayed with him even though you knew about his affair?

Please get some legal advice regarding divorcing. Ask him to leave to give yourself some distance from him and to sort out what you want.