Husband wants open marriage, but I refuse. Divorce looming.

[Motherof2pearls]

Husband wants open marriage, but I refuse. Divorce looming.

Hi, I have been in and out of these threads for a couple of years now dealing with my serial adulterer husband. A few days ago he told me he wants an open marriage with his mistress of nearly 10 years. He wants to go very public with her as his partner but keeping me as his wife. He thinks this would be a great situation, which keeps the family together, he has his lover and doesn’t have to hide her anymore. I was utterly dismayed by this, but he cannot understand why I would reject it. I said I felt humiliation and hurt with him parading her all over town, but he just said what do you care, you don’t know these people anyway. He thinks people would think it was an ideal situation and very cool and he cannot see how I could possibly object! Is he gaslighting me again? He says he wants to enjoy the rest of his life with his young lover who worships the ground he walks on. He says life is too short to have the quiet life with me. He constantly says I am his soulmate and he loves me, but in the same sentence he will say he loves her too and wants to be with her so he needs us both in his life

We have 2 grown up sons of 21 and 22, who live at home occasionally. He says if I don’t accept his conditions this is all my choice, and it will be my choice to break up the marriage and break up the family as I’m so unreasonable. But I never made these choices. I never chose to marry A serial adulterer. I never chose to be fighting with a mistress for the past few years. I never chose to be in this position. It’s cruel of him to say That if we divorce it will be my fault!

OK what do you all you mumsnetters think about my situation? I’m pretty sure we’re going to divorce, no other option. But I just want someone to tell me that I’m not mad, I’m not unreasonable. I need someone to tell me he’s a complete bastard and his mistress is a psycho bitch and I’ve been caught between the two of them. Incidentally we’re supposed to be celebrating our 30th marriage anniversary next week! It’s also sad isn’t it!

Please, someone, tell me I’m not mad and I’m not unreasonable and that my feelings would be the same as any normal sane married woman. Just need to hear it, because I mainly just get him and his snide remarks.

Wow. He’s something isn’t he?
Divorce this looser. You’re entitled to half of the assets
And yes when people ask tell them the Unvarnished truth - you’ve done nothing wrong

The only person who will think his idea is in anyway acceptable is him
Mind you I am wondering how long the ow will be on the scene if she gets the daily domestic stuff

@Heatherjayne1972

Wow. He’s something isn’t he? Divorce this looser. You’re entitled to half of the assets And yes when people ask tell them the Unvarnished truth - you’ve done nothing wrong

The only person who will think his idea is in anyway acceptable is him
Mind you I am wondering how long the ow will be on the scene if she gets the daily domestic stuff

The excitement and romance will soon go once she’s cleaning his skiddy undies and piss off the floor

Seriously why have you put up with this so long as it is?
No no no

You do not need to put up with this BS anymore, your sons have grown up and you have done your duty in keeping the family together for their childhood. Not sure I would have stayed, what sort of example does this set to his sons anyway? You deserve to be happy op, and your DH is a selfish twat.

Remove all the romantic element of marriage for a minute and consider it as the contract which it is.

When you married, you agreed to certain terms and conditions. If it was in a church I think fidelity is explicit, if in a registry office or similar, it will be implied. He is now changing your terms and conditions so you have every right to break the contract.

If you had a contract with British Gas to supply you gas for £25 per week and they changed it to only supply gas on Tuesdays and Fridays only and charge you £50 per week, you would not need anyone else to validate that was an unfair change and you can break that agreement.

You know in your heart he is wrong to make you take the blame. I can almost understand that maybe he does want this as people change but he cannot force this onto you. He has no rights whatsoever so walk away.

(For the record, I could never entertain anything approaching an open relationship, I could never cope with the emotional fall out these bring but if others want to do it then that is fine as long as ALL involved agree)

It just depends on what you want to do. Don't be guided by other people or societal norms necessarily. It's ok to want a standard relationship like you do, and it should be ok to want something different as well. You're just not compatible.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=0yhVV0oBPdg&vl=en-GB

So he wants his cake and to eat it too. NO WAY.
My first LTB, and i wish you every happiness without this gaslighting dickhead.

He is a narcissist gaslighter. You deserve better.

Divorce him for Adultery as he has broken his marriage vows so his fault you are divorcing. I divorced my husband and named his girlfriend in the petition. (I think they might have broken up by the time we actually divorced).

I couldn’t. No - get rid of him - he is the ‘bad guy’ here who wants it both ways.

(Sorry to be crude but I hope he uses a condom).

Leave him and next week celebrate freedom after 30 years. You deserve much better than him.

What a dick!!! Dump him immediately and start looking for someone else who treats you with respect. You've got the rest of your life ahead of you, don't spend it with this selfish person who thinks it's acceptable to hurt you this way.

Of course YANBU to want a divorce. Your life , your decision. You may have accepted it up until now, but that doesn't mean you have to be made a fool of. If you are not happy with the situation, then it is never going to work.

Your DC are now adults, old enough to deal with separated parents.

Get copies of all financial info, see a solicitor, and when you know exactly what you want, divorce him for adultery.

He doesn't get to call the shots and make an idiot out of you.

I suspect actually he doesnt want to divide up the assets as well as having his cake and eating it. He wants OW for fun and you for support/family stability. Probably also doesnt want to be the bad guy (that he actually is) to your boys.

He is utterly unbelievable.

Life on your own is daunting I know but it gets easier. Its got to be better than living like this. You could be free and in future meet a really lovely, caring, loving and true man to be with. Isnt that better than more years of this misery? You deserve more, we only have one life.

You are not going mad, you are not being definitely not being unreasonable.
I am sorry you are going through this, go and see a solicitor and instigate divorce proceedings.
Your DH sounds a complete arse, I am so angry on your behalf. I hope you have good friends and family for support.
It is catergorically your DH that has split up the family by his behaviour,it is not your fault. Please leave him, he is emotionally absusive

As PPs have said, he wants to avoid the cost of a divorce, but I think there's something else at work here.

He wants to have his cake and eat it, yes, definitely. But what he also wants is to avoid is the trashing of his reputation. So, if he openly has a relationship with this woman while ^you" are happy with it - he has your blessing, no-one can say anything. He would probably play the "I-had-to-be-talked-into-it" card, saying that OP has gone off sex, but we love each other so much, this was the best solution blah blah.

I agree with pps - say you're considering it, get a SHL and get a better life.

Oh, and send OW your SHL's card for when he pulls this shit on her.

Of course you are not mad or unreasonable. Cheating is bad enough but he is worse than a cheat because he has the gall to think you should give his adultery your blessing and that you are the wrong un if you don't. He is beneath contempt and your sons, friends and family will see that as well. Honestly, stop delaying the inevitable. This marriage is dead and buried. By swithering you are just delaying the inevitable and prolonging your own misery. Rip the plaster off and give yourself a chance at a better life.

He's is manipulative as hell. I'd get out as fast as I can.

Never mind the “open marriage” request. Mistress of 10 years?! 10 years! Why on earth are you still with this man?

I assume you hold a traditional view of what marriage means (forsaking all others etc), so how can you have put up with this for so long? You aren’t Katherine of Aragon you know.

Why the weird focus on whose decision the divorce is?

If I discovered my DH had had a mistress for ten years I would take out full page adverts saying I am choosing to divorce him. Everybody would know he wanted to keep me yet I fucked him right off out the door.

Why would you think it a bad thing to actively choose to divorce a serial cheater?

Of course this is what he wants!The best of both bloody worlds!Tell him to jog on (or words to that effect) and consult the best Divorce lawyer you can find.This is Gaslighting BTW at its very worst .Making you feel you are going mad!(You are not obv!) just very sane and normal!

So you know he has a mistress and your issue is him now making it public. You have accepted this woman in your life for ten years....going public is the issue because your worried about being humiliated....you should feel that already

He just wants you to be the bad guy, even though he is an absolute c u n t! Excuse my french but I could call him worse.
Your sons should know what their dad is. The greedy adulterous bastard !!!!!

I'm so sorry OP this is appalling.
However please ignore the suggestions of PP to have a showdown with him and your kids over his suggestion. It would be incredibly damaging and traumatic for them as young adults. He is a dick but he will always be their dad.
The best thing for you is to calmly reject his suggestion and keep your dignity, gather the info you need for a divorce and find a divorce lawyer. Start planning the rest of your life and hold your head high. Your kids will respect you for it.

He is trying to make you focus on who's fault it would be for the marriage ending. Abusive shitehead always want you to be proving something- your goodness, your loyalty, your desire to make things work, your honesty, your sanity ect... they have none of these things themselves! He is trying to make you feel guilty for something when he has Bern cheating on you fir 10 years! And playing you off against this woman via narcissistic triangulation, so that you never get a moments peace.

He is a shit. A bully and an adulterer and a shit.
And he will never love anyone. The only person he cares about is himself.

Get a good lawyer. One that knows about domestic abuse (which narcissistic triangulation and gaslighting definately are) and divorce the bastard.

No it is his choices that have brought you to this point not yours. He has presented you with an impossible 'Catch 22' situation. You are NOT breaking up the marriage he has done that all by himself. I would like to be a fly on the wall when he tries to explain how you broke the marriage because you would not agree to an open marriage.
Prepare for divorce take him for everything you are entitled to , including part of his pension, and on't hold back when telling people why you are divorcing.
Be happy.