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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So fed up with husbands drinking

149 replies

sassypants72 · 06/09/2020 21:34

Dh is only working tue-thur and has been for a while now. The problem is that he absolutely bing drinks over his 4 day weekend.

Today he's had a few beers and 2 bottles of wine and acts happy for a little while and then gets nasty. It's like he can't stop, he has to drink until passing out which was 8.00 tonight.

It's every weekend, and he scares me when that drunk as his mood is so unpredictable.

He's not physically violent it's always verbal and is really getting to me now.

Tonight myself and dd (age 8) went upstairs to get away from him and his ranting, bullying behaviour. I normally avoid him when he's drinking.

This evening I was in the bathroom and I heard shouting downstairs and dd came up in floods of tears. This is when we hid upstairs.

His drinking has always been a problem and I don't want dd growing up thinking this is ok.

The thing is he's a lovely man when sober and dd adores her dad.

I'm so so upset about tonight I just can't cope with his drinking anymore.

If you've got this far thank you. I know I have to leave and it's going to tear the family apart.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 06/09/2020 21:36

So sorry you’re in the position. Flowers

Have you started thinking about the practicalities of leaving? It sounds like absolutely the right decision for you and your daughter.

QuentinWinters · 06/09/2020 21:36

Didn't want to read and run, this sounds so sad for you, I think you do need to leave and I wish you all the best

PurpleDaisies · 06/09/2020 21:37

Should have asked, have you spoken to al anon?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2020 21:40

Verbal abuse is violence. Don't make any excuses for it or him.

Do not raise your child around an alcoholic. The damage to her will haunt her for the rest of her life. It is time for an ironclad ultimatum. He stops drinking NOW or the marriage is over and he is leaving. No more "let's see what happens next week" or any more second chances. Do the right thing and draw a permanent line in the sand. This can not go on.

Original poster
sassypants72 · 06/09/2020 21:40

Have been reading al anon tonight and think I'm going to try and find a support group. Today has just been the worst.

I suffer with anxiety and often start having panic attacks when he starts drinking. I don't want my dd to grow up seeing her mum scared of her dad.

OP posts:
stophuggingme · 06/09/2020 21:48

@sassypants72
“The thing is he’s a lovely man when sober”

The thing is he’s drunk, aggressive abusive and traumatising you as well as your child when he isn’t, which is a huge part of each week.

There will soon come a point when the drinking starts in the days it’s isn’t if it ha t already

Yes you do need to leave before things escalate one way or another.

If he wants to stop drinking and save his family then let him show that if not then you can’t make him it will not work.

Start taking steps to protect your daughter and yourself. He is not.

Stay safe and I think tonight should be the last night you are hiding and frightened under the same roof as him Flowers

Original poster
sassypants72 · 07/09/2020 19:12

Bump

OP posts:
pointythings · 07/09/2020 19:20

He's an alcoholic. Stop thinking of alcoholics as people who have to drink every day, or people who have to drink in the morning. His drinking is affecting your relationship and your child and you've either been too afraid to talk to him about it or he hasn't listened.

You know you need to leave - prioritise that over finding an al-anon group. Get the financial information, birth certificates, passport, all of it together. Start putting money into a running away fund. Start looking for rental accommodation. Given that he gets abusive when drunk, I'd say leave first, then start the divorce.

I'm the widow of an alcoholic. My kids were older when it all started, but I stayed too long and both have been seriously affected. We're all still in recovery, but we aren't done yet. The sooner you get out, the better - and I would be willing to bet that once it's just you and DD, your mental health will improve significantly.

Toilenstripes · 07/09/2020 19:25

Is he aware that you are at the breaking point? Have you had conversations about his drinking? I’m so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. 💐

AgentJohnson · 07/09/2020 19:58

His drinking has always been a problem and I don't want dd growing up thinking this is ok.

You may not want her growing up thinking his drinking is ok but it is exactly what she’s growing thinking. Your DD has no choice but you do.

Original poster
sassypants72 · 07/09/2020 20:05

There's been lots of conversations about his drinking over the years. He always improves for a while, but then reverts back to problem drinking again after a few months.

If I try and have the he needs to stop conversation with him it just causes a massive argument about me being dull and boring.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/09/2020 20:09

Give it up now

The definition of madness is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome

seensome · 07/09/2020 20:25

It sounds like a nightmare situation to be living in, you have to decide to carry on in this misery or end the relationship.

Kittykat93 · 07/09/2020 20:34

He's scaring the hell out of your child. This isn't fair. And he's not gonna change. Don't kid yourself he's a lovely man, he's really not.

Babysharksmom · 07/09/2020 20:38

Can you honestly subject you and your dd to this for the rest of your life. Not fair on either of you. I'd be gone if that was me.

pointythings · 07/09/2020 20:43

OK, so your update confirms what I thought. You owe it to your DD to leave this man. Don't be me - I stuck around for far too long, mainly because my late husband didn't become abusive until the last 3 years or so. Even so, I should not have stayed as long as I did.

Shizzlestix · 07/09/2020 21:33

Would it be safe to film him drunk then show him when he’s sober? So he’s drunk a minimum of 4 nights a week? That’s the majority of the week, rather obviously. I don’t think it’s fair on your dd to witness this and be scared of her own father. Clearly it is no life for you either.

Have you considered leaving? Thing is, you couldn’t trust him to have your dd alone on contact time. This, however, shouldn’t stop you from making that decision.

Gastropod · 08/09/2020 07:32

dd adores her dad

Unfortunately he is still an abusive drunk and growing up under the same roof may well damage your daughter in many ways - some of which might not become apparent for years to come. The impact on her could be lifelong - and not in a good way.

Please give her a chance to grow up in a loving and safe household.

Underpressure13 · 08/09/2020 09:00

Last year my DP drank 4.5 bottles of wine in one night - 3 of them without me knowing before we began sharing one together . He also got verbally abusive and I left and went back home ( no children anywhere near luckily ) I broke up with him the next days . He since sorted himself out and has been sober for nearly a year now. We have many other problems besides which my thread will show but luckily ( as far as I know) he has managed to tackle his drinking .
I think if you have to hide from someone , especially with children around , then it’s time to call it a day unless he can get help and prove he’s really committed .
DP once picked me up from work and it transpired on the way home that he’d had 6 pints at a pub beforehand - that was the beginning and I could soon tell just from his eyes . If he ever started that again I’d be gone immediately- as it happens he’s replaced that with other bad behaviour too .
Just wanted to wish you good luck - only you can know what you’re willing to put up with and what you and your DC deserve . FlowersFlowers

Original poster
sassypants72 · 08/09/2020 10:08

@Shizzlestix

Would it be safe to film him drunk then show him when he’s sober? So he’s drunk a minimum of 4 nights a week? That’s the majority of the week, rather obviously. I don’t think it’s fair on your dd to witness this and be scared of her own father. Clearly it is no life for you either.

Have you considered leaving? Thing is, you couldn’t trust him to have your dd alone on contact time. This, however, shouldn’t stop you from making that decision.

It would probably send him into a rage if I tried to film his behaviour when drunk.

He's never scared dd before, just me. This weekend was the first time he ever got nasty with dd.

Him having unsupervised access to dd is what has kept me here so far, that scares the life out of me and I know he would want joint custody. Also the thought of being without my dd for part of every week breaks me.

At the moment he's the fun dad to dd, she usually finds his drunken antics very amusing, whereas I'm her safe place.

I know for a fact though that she wouldn't cope very well with him having unsupervised access and does need her mum there. She often likes to co-sleep with me still (been in separate room from dh for years).

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 08/09/2020 10:19

How old are your dcs?

Mintjulia · 08/09/2020 10:22

Sorry, just saw DD is 8. I think she's old enough to decide how much time she spends with her df and when, but the courts might not agree.

Has he been done for driving under the influence yet? It's only a matter of time. How will he cope without a driving licence?

Original poster
sassypants72 · 08/09/2020 10:31

@Mintjulia

Sorry, just saw DD is 8. I think she's old enough to decide how much time she spends with her df and when, but the courts might not agree.

Has he been done for driving under the influence yet? It's only a matter of time. How will he cope without a driving licence?

No he's never been done for driving under the influence and he's also quite careful when he knows he has to drive the next day.

Dh has a big director level job which relies on him having a driving licence.

Also because he's well off he would probably do the whole Disney dad thing with dd if we separated while I would be left struggling financially.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/09/2020 10:31

sassypants

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he still meeting here?.

Did you yourself see similar as a child between your parents?.

You are playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses; those of enabler, codependent and provoker (because you never forget). Your life with this man at home is never stable and lurches from one crisis to another.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism has not even begun as yet and will not do so until you and he are fully separated. The effects of all this on your daughter is incalculable and may not be fully apparent until she hits adulthood. She probably already feels super responsible for yourself and her dad and that is one of many ill effects of what seeing parental alcoholism does to children. This is no legacy to be leaving her.

Do you really think that an alcoholic would actually get such unfettered access to his child?. He can barely look after his own self; only you are propping him up. Do you also think that any court would also grant him 50-50 custody; that is a starting point so your fears here may well be groundless. She also attends school so is without you around for several hours per day in any event.

I would urge you to seek legal advice asap with regards to the property and your DD. After all knowledge is power and your own lack of knowledge here holds you back too, you need this rather than supposition.

He's probably also using DD to get back at you with; he knows your achilles heel here is your DD. He is an alcoholic and he does not care about her either; all he cares about is where the next drink is going to come from. Apart from anything else these are no reasons to be staying with him either. What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?. She will not say thanks mum to you if you were to choose to stay with this man; she will despise you and accuse you of putting him before her.

When marriages are angry, conflicted, or terribly mediocre, parents often default to staying together for the purported sake of the children. I wonder whose sake it’s really for. As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children.”

I would also think she did not regard him as a fun dad last night when both you and she hid upstairs to get away from him. This is NO life for her either.

You have a choice re this man, your daughter does not. Make better choices for you and she going forward. You are not her safe place either because you are still there with him. You cannot even begin to fully protect her from her dad's alcoholism because you are a part of this dysfunctional set up too. You cannot protect your own self currently from your H's alcoholism let alone your child and you certainly cannot do that if you're all under the same roof.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/09/2020 10:37

You are married to this man so all assets here are joint. You need decent legal advice. He is not above the law here.