So fed up with husbands drinking

[sassypants72]

Dh is only working tue-thur and has been for a while now. The problem is that he absolutely bing drinks over his 4 day weekend.

Today he's had a few beers and 2 bottles of wine and acts happy for a little while and then gets nasty. It's like he can't stop, he has to drink until passing out which was 8.00 tonight.

It's every weekend, and he scares me when that drunk as his mood is so unpredictable.

He's not physically violent it's always verbal and is really getting to me now.

Tonight myself and dd (age 8) went upstairs to get away from him and his ranting, bullying behaviour. I normally avoid him when he's drinking.

This evening I was in the bathroom and I heard shouting downstairs and dd came up in floods of tears. This is when we hid upstairs.

His drinking has always been a problem and I don't want dd growing up thinking this is ok.

The thing is he's a lovely man when sober and dd adores her dad.

I'm so so upset about tonight I just can't cope with his drinking anymore.

If you've got this far thank you. I know I have to leave and it's going to tear the family apart.

Definitely get legal advice. I left a similar situation 4 years ago and my solicitor advised me that the walking on egg shells and his mood swings was emotional abuse.
My ex spiralled after I left. He has done rehab twice and very rarely has the children, but me and my children are all so much happier on our own.

We are not actually divorced yet for various reasons, but the relief of leaving was immense and I have been very glad to not have been locked down with him.

Good luck x

Christ, you say your DD finds his antics 'amusing'. I can assure you that that is just as worrying as being frightened by it because it means that alcohol abuse is NORMAL in her eyes. You are exposing your DD to damaging behaviour. Many alcoholics are the children of alcoholics. Would you like your DD to go down that path?

Please stop kidding yourself that your DD finds all of this amusing and is not adversely affected by it. No child should be exposed to a parents 'drunken antics'. You and your little girl had to hide in your own home because of his 'drunken antics' - theres nothing remotely funny about that. It's also far from typical for an 8 year old to be regularly co-sleeping with her mother. The chaos and instability in your home, caused by her father's drunken behaviour, is scaring and upsetting your child, and you. Minimising the effects of abusive behaviour is an understandable coping mechanism, but you need to start seeing this more clearly

Please start to keep a diary of everything - the drinking, the abuse, the violent and threatening behaviour.

Please also start to get ready to leave him. Get your documents and finances together.

Please confide in a trusted family member or friend.

Please seek other help, like Al-Anon and women's aid.

Good luck

sassypants

re your comment:-
"Also because he's well off he would probably do the whole Disney dad thing with dd if we separated while I would be left struggling financially".

This comment of yours also makes me think that quite apart from his alcoholism, he is abusive towards you financially. Such men sadly are not solely financially abusive either. If this is indeed the case I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid.

All assets are joint in a marriage and you would be entitled to a fair financial settlement. Oh he will bitch and moan about that because that's him (he'd probably try and hide everything financial) but he is not above the law here.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

sassypants

re your comment:-
"Also because he's well off he would probably do the whole Disney dad thing with dd if we separated while I would be left struggling financially".

This comment of yours also makes me think that quite apart from his alcoholism, he is abusive towards you financially. Such men sadly are not solely financially abusive either. If this is indeed the case I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid.

All assets are joint in a marriage and you would be entitled to a fair financial settlement. Oh he will bitch and moan about that because that's him (he'd probably try and hide everything financial) but he is not above the law here.

Yes he is also financially and emotionally abusive. All assets, everything are in his name only with me having no access. I work part time and pay for absolutely everything to do with our dd, run my car, gym membership, home internet etc with him covering all the other bills. He is incredibly tight and refuses to ever spend out on anything even though he is quite a big earner.

As far as I understand he squirrels his money away into online savings (so no paperwork), and I have no clue as to where any of it is.

He's told me before that if I ever try to leave him he will fight tooth and nail to make sure I get nothing.

While in a drunken rant at the weekend he also told me that he is writing a will leaving everything to dd should anything happen to him and why should I ever benefit from his hard work.

Also after many years of abuse I feel absolutely broken with zero self confidence. I used to be so strong and independent I'm not sure where that went.

OP I'm sorry, this sounds very hard.

You have to face the fact that the current situation is untenable. The first rule of any addiction is that there's nothing you can do to control it. Ultimatums, threats etc simply don't work as the dependent will only do something about the situation when they want to. As you've learned over the years, he'll make gestures but he's not going to stop.

He sounds like a functioning alcoholic, he sounds abusive and he sounds as though his behaviour is escalating. I would recommend Al Anon if you were the child of an alcoholic or without children but you have a child to consider and that child doesn't have a choice. Therefore, your only option is to get that child out of the situation and protect her.

I understand your concerns about him having access while drunk and those are valid concerns but, hiding from drunk and raging daddy with mummy isn't a game.

Start gathering financial evidence: bank statements, pensions, saving, house valuation etc Find a solicitor, which you can search for at the Family Law Panel. You'll want one with experience in domestic abuse as abusers love tormenting you with the law.

If you're low on confidence, then counselling may help. It's currently over the phone or online, try BACP for a counsellor.

Take a look at the CABx website which has comprehensive advice on divorce and separation.

Contact Gingerbread, they have an excellent helpline for any questions you have on child contact and supervised access. I would arrange for him to see your child only with another adult present if there's a chance he'll be drunk. Which is considered neglect btw.

I would download the Brightsky app and start taking evidence of his abuse and drunken behaviour. Go back as far as you can, including the incident where you hid with your child. You can journal and record audio and video on the app for evidence.

If he frightens you again, dial 999 - this all adds to evidence of his behaviour. The police will find him intoxicated and out of control which will go towards building evidence for contact arrangements.

Deep breaths OP. You can do this and you have to get your child out of this situation, so keep your eye on the goal and take it a step at a time.

sassypants,

That formerly strong and independent woman has been further thrown into a hole at his hands but you do not have to further grow flowers in the hole. You can act smart here, there is always a way out.

There is no doubt that he will do everything possible here to further punish you for leaving him and he will likely try and make sure you get as little as possible from him in terms of a financial settlement. To this end I would seek legal advice asap as well as obtaining the services of a forensic accountant if he is hiding money and other assets from you.

You have a choice re this man; your daughter does not and she is relying on your good judgment as her mother. She has one abusive parent in her life already; you have to step up here and further be her calm, non abusive and stable functioning parent. You have compelling reasons to boot this man out of your life; the facts that he is both financially and emotionally abusive are themselves reasons for him now to be out of your day to day lives. And that's even without further mentioning that he is an alcoholic.

I would also think your DD does not adore him so much as fears him; you certainly fear him and are mindful of your reactions around him.

Sadly I was in your position with my ex for close to the years although she was the one drinking....I tried everything...al anon....cbt....counselling.....you name it....endless promises to change but ultimately no desire so to do....and I suspect your situation is similar. I sympathise and wish you well but, as others have said, you need to be realistic and probably make plans to separate. There is only so much leading the horse to water that you can do and it grinds you down to dust. My situation did not involve children and yours does so an extra complication but if he won't (or likely can't) change then I am afraid you will need to move on....wishing you well

dd adores her dad

I'll bet she has learned to moderate her behaviour, just as you have, to keep a harmonious household.

Please don't bring her up in this environment.

She will repeat your relationship with the same type of man, if you normalise this behaviour. Would you be happy if she ended up with someone like him?

This was my childhood op and my mum stayed as she thought she was doing the right thing. It wasn't and I really resent her for not being the adult. It's left me with lifelong scars- google 'adult children of alcoholics' to find out what your DD is likely to struggle with when she's older. I hate that I have so many issues through no fault of my own.

I think you need to face up to this. Alcoholism isn't static and it will get worse. You could seek advice from women's aid and quietly start to plan. You can get forensic accountants in the future if he's hiding assets. Make a plan and get out of there. You and your daughter need to.

Like some of the PP, I was your DD in this situation growing up. My father was an alcoholic and him being drunk absolutely terrified me. I still have massive issues with alcohol and get very stressed when I'm near drunk people, always trying to plan an exit route etc.

Please don't let your daughter grow up with this - I know the fear she's experiencing and it isn't fair on her. Your DH needs to quite or your need to leave...

There's no doubt that he will fight dirty and that you will find things harder financially - but ultimately your DD's emotional wellbeing is more important than that. And his name may be on everything, but that doesn't matter - you are married and you have a child. Once you are away from him, your mental health will improve and you will be happier, and he will have to pay maintenance and pay you a share of the assets of the marriage. The fight is worth it.

quit, not quite

This needs to be your line in the sand:
This weekend was the first time he ever got nasty with dd.

You know you need to leave him - you don't need to do everything in one go, just start taking steps. Is there any way you can find out any details about his savings account that might help? Even just what bank it is. I'd also book an appointment with a good family solicitor to get their advice. And start going to Alanon as you mentioned. He has to declare his assets in a divorce and forensic accountants can help find them if needed. You can do this, your daughter will be better off not living with this man.

Your DD needs at least one functioning attuned emotionally healthy parent in her life for her to have half a chance in life.

Currently she doesn’t have one because her DF is an emotionally absent, neglectful and abusive alcoholic (even in the hours he is not actually drunk - he is morose, angry, hungover, obsessing) and you are being abused and hyper alert to cover up for your DH. So you are exhausted, depressed, anxious, preoccupied with his antics and feeling trapped, bullied, threatened and subjugated - because you are.

When you are in this mental emotional state - you are not present or emotionally available for your DD.

She sees, hears, senses, absorbs and internalised the emotional environment of a preoccupied, sad, anxious Mum.

This will make her feel v sad, confused and insecure. Seems like this has already developed into anxious behaviours for her already - these then develop into significant, chronic and debilitating MH problems in teens and into adulthood. Ask any parent on here who has brought up children with an alcoholic - or any poster who was the child in an alcoholic household.

Your DD has one way out, one chance to recover the damage and to get her emotional development back on track to happy, healthy, confident, secure and resilient. And that involves you removing her from this toxic environment so that you can heal and be the best mother you can be for her.

We all only have finite headspace, time and emotional energy - choose to conserve and focus yours solely on your DD. Do not let it be drained / hijacked any further by this man - she needs it not him.

You need to leave.

He will punish you and play a nasty game. But he is not above the law - KNOW that - they have seen his type time and time again - deluded, arrogant, entitled bullies.

Seek legal advice quietly - play a calm game of stealth. The law is on your side. You can get supervised access due to his addiction. You are entitled to at least half of family assets. He can’t hide anything - it’s all online - it’s illegal. Some solicitors will run an account so that you pay your fee at the end once family assets are divided. Invest wisely here is a top lawyer - it will save you time and money in the long run.

You need emotional support for you to hold you through this. You are being emotionally and financially abused. His coercive control is also illegal.

Keep posting your whilst you come to terms with all of this.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and helpfulness. I have arranged to view a 3 bed house to rent tomorrow. It's right next to dd's school and in a lovely location.

If I like the property I've then got to find the emotional strength to leave. It will be very hard, I've been here a few time before and he does everything imaginable to stop me from leaving. I really don't understand why though as we have no marriage and haven't had for many years now. My only guess is he's scared of the financial hurt it would cause him. He has been warned and warned of this by his sisters, they have tried to tell him repeatedly to treat me better.

I may well end up needing a Mumsnet hand hold

Here is a handhold to take with you to your viewing, and to use whenever you need it.

He is breaking up your marriage by his drinking. Its his doing.

And you have done a wonderful thing for your DD by setting up to leave.

Wow you are so far along the road already.

Take the house. You don’t to move in on day one. Just sign the contract.

It seems his behaviours are v v obvious to everyone - so you will be supported.

Know that you did all you could - but he didn’t.

Know that you probably tried too hard for too long.

Don’t waste a second more of your headspace, time, emotional energy trying to understand him - or responding to any of his antics once you leave. You need to focus on understanding you and healing and restoring you and your DD.

You have given her the biggest most enduring gift she will ever receive in her life today.

Congratulations.

Lots of hands to hold you both here.

I have tears in my eyes reading your responses.

I think it will be quite cathartic to write down here everything he has done to dd and myself over the years and then when I feel myself weakening or to scared to go on I can just read this thread.?

Well done for arranging to view the house. It sounds great. If it's nice then do take it, worry about how to actually leave him when it comes to it - just take it a step at a time. We're all here for you, you can do this .

Yes, write down everything he has done and all the reasons to leave and if you are wobbling then reread it or just post on here.

Another drunken rant was I'm not allowed to lock the bathroom door while using the toilet as he needs to know what I'm doing at all times. I can also have no notifications on my phone as if he sees anything will snatch the phone out of my hand and go through it.

Yes he is very controlling also.

You're being a very strong, loving and responsible mum to your DD.
You're starting to work towards happiness.
Get yourself a fab lawyer who will get what is fair for you.

There are lots of people who have used the Relationships board as a running diary of their journey towards freedom - I've been one of them. It took me 2 threads - others have used many more. Just keep posting and reading back when you feel yourself wavering. It's incredibly empowering, and the support you will get here will keep you strong. We have people who have dealt with shitty hostile husbands too - they often end up gravitating to where they are needed, or someone else will @summon them. Make it happen this time and we will all hold your hand.