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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So fed up with husbands drinking

149 replies

sassypants72 · 06/09/2020 21:34

Dh is only working tue-thur and has been for a while now. The problem is that he absolutely bing drinks over his 4 day weekend.

Today he's had a few beers and 2 bottles of wine and acts happy for a little while and then gets nasty. It's like he can't stop, he has to drink until passing out which was 8.00 tonight.

It's every weekend, and he scares me when that drunk as his mood is so unpredictable.

He's not physically violent it's always verbal and is really getting to me now.

Tonight myself and dd (age 8) went upstairs to get away from him and his ranting, bullying behaviour. I normally avoid him when he's drinking.

This evening I was in the bathroom and I heard shouting downstairs and dd came up in floods of tears. This is when we hid upstairs.

His drinking has always been a problem and I don't want dd growing up thinking this is ok.

The thing is he's a lovely man when sober and dd adores her dad.

I'm so so upset about tonight I just can't cope with his drinking anymore.

If you've got this far thank you. I know I have to leave and it's going to tear the family apart.

OP posts:

Sssloou · 10/09/2020 16:51

it's Thursday night though so the start of his long weekend off so let's wait and see what happens.

What do you think will happen?

It’s either going to shit or really shit. Your DD is at best again going to be ignored, neglected and humiliated by him or at worst abused.

He has abused her on many occasions - the incident which pushed you this time was far from the first. However it now falls to you now to ensure that that the last time your DD suffered neglect and was exposed to abuse by him.

Don’t sit around waiting to see what happens - plan to protect your DD and be out of the house.

Original poster

sassypants72 · 10/09/2020 16:58

@Sssloou

it's Thursday night though so the start of his long weekend off so let's wait and see what happens.

What do you think will happen?

It’s either going to shit or really shit. Your DD is at best again going to be ignored, neglected and humiliated by him or at worst abused.

Don’t sit around waiting to see what happens - plan to protect your DD and be out of the house.

Plans are already in place to be out of the house over the weekend

OP posts:

Sssloou · 10/09/2020 17:16

Well done.

Keep looking forward to a peaceful and calm future.

Original poster

sassypants72 · 10/09/2020 17:24

I also have a bag packed for myself and dd to just grab and go to a hotel if needed

OP posts:

Sssloou · 10/09/2020 17:50

Can you leave the bag and any important docs in the boot of the car. Then you can just say you are popping out for milk - less drama.

Keep calm.

Original poster

sassypants72 · 10/09/2020 17:53

@Sssloou

Can you leave the bag and any important docs in the boot of the car. Then you can just say you are popping out for milk - less drama.

Keep calm.

Thank you, that's a good idea, I'll do that

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 10/09/2020 17:57

Coercive control is against the law now. You need to tell your solicitor he is financially abusive as well as everything else. It's a criminal offence.

You are being incredibly strong but remember you are also about to enter the negotiation of your life. Make sure you are happy with the solicitor because you will be relying on them heavily through this separation and then divorce. Tell them the priority is safety and protection from him then the financial longer term agreement in the divorce.

Big hugs x

RandomMess · 10/09/2020 18:34

So glad to read all the plans you have in place

LordOfTheOnionRings · 10/09/2020 20:08

Well done for leaving OP. You have put your daughter first, i wish every alcoholic post had such a brave mum.

Original poster

sassypants72 · 10/09/2020 20:26

Thank you 😊 I'm just not prepared to let my daughter be abused. My own mother didn't protect me as a child when I really needed her to. There is absolutely no way I would do that to my daughter, I know how it feels.

OP posts:

Sssloou · 12/09/2020 22:55

How are you doing sassypants72

Nannyamc · 12/09/2020 23:07

I had the same problem with my son. He lost his driving licence and became suicidal
He was admitted to residental care just at lockdown. No visits or contact for 4 months.Came home a different person a complete miracle. I did not believe he could do it losing his licence was rock bottom and only very slightly over the limit. I had put up with it for 15 yrs.AA is his lifeline and finding himself in rehab.
.Try get him to agree to a programme.

Heffalooomia · 12/09/2020 23:12

Good luck OP🙏🦋

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 12/09/2020 23:13

Yes, I'd like to know you're OK too. Read your thread with my heart in my mouth.

I'm a long time sober alcoholic and was hoping to be able to offer some helpful insight or other but it seems your husband's problems go a lot further than his drinking. It doesn't sound as if AA alone will offer you a happy ending (though it would do wonders for DH).

Shouldbedoing · 13/09/2020 00:04

Dear Sassy, those links to the .gov/divorce and wikivorce pages are full of factual information about the process of separation and divorce. The more you swot up, the more effective your meetings with the solicitor will be. They charge for their time and although a shit hot lawyer SHL will save you a fortune long term, they do charge for every minute of their time. So do your homework, find out the basics yourself. And even though they keep a box of tissues on the desk, a counsellor or trusted friend works out a lot cheaper for unburdening your emotions.

Original poster

sassypants72 · 13/09/2020 19:17

Hi all, not much to report over the weekend, I've been out for most of it with dd anyway. dh is going for husband of the year award with all the jobs he's been doing and even drinking less (though currently working his way through 2nd bottle of red wine) so we'll see!! His behaviour has been better, but I think he may have noticed just how pissed off I was after last weekend 😂

We have been here before though many times and the good behaviour never lasts long. Normally just long enough for me to change my mind about leaving. I have never been this resolute before though so am still property searching.

OP posts:

Happynow001 · 13/09/2020 19:21

Well done @sassypants72

Stay strong. Stay focused! 🌹

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2020 19:45

Sassypants

Its one step up and two steps back with you isn't it?. He is still drinking and by now he's likely polished off that second bottle of red wine. You've already noticed he is on his second bottle; stop policing his drinking. That way too madness lies.

The only light in your most recent post here is that you are still actively looking for a rental property.

It's a pity actually you did not accept that rental property (I realise the kitchen was poor but it could have been improved). You are still on the merry go around named alcoholism and you need to get off it. You can take her out all you want but the fact also is that you return home and he is still there. You cannot protect your own self from the realities of his alcoholism let alone your child.

The sad fact here too that the longer you remain with this man, the more normalized this whole dysfunctional set up becomes to your DD. A concern amongst others for her is that she will merely go onto choose an alcoholic for a partner too, you also are showing her the blueprint for a relationship model. This is no legacy to give her.

How are you doing with regards to getting legal advice?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2020 19:48

I remember what happened to you last weekend and that resulted in you and your DD hiding away from him upstairs. As he is still drinking this weekend could well go that same way.

Original poster

sassypants72 · 13/09/2020 20:14

I have an appointment on the 29th of this month with a SHL.

The fact that she is so booked up is a good sign . It's about a 45min drive for me to get to her office, but am prepared to travel for a decent lawyer

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2020 20:18

Hurray re the SHL. I hope this appointment will be fruitful to you. You need good legal advice (and perhaps too the services of a forensic accountant if he is not above hiding money from you as well).

Original poster

sassypants72 · 13/09/2020 20:42

My husband owns shares in the company he works for so a lot of his wages are made up with dividends. I'm sure he will use this to his full benefit in order to hide assets.

OP posts:

Sssloou · 13/09/2020 20:59

Don’t worry yourself about that. That’s what your SHL and their forensic accounting skills will tackle. Drop that anxiety from your head and switch to focusing on building your DD self esteem.

Eryouwhat · 01/10/2020 20:56

Hope you’re ok op

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