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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So fed up with husbands drinking

149 replies

sassypants72 · 06/09/2020 21:34

Dh is only working tue-thur and has been for a while now. The problem is that he absolutely bing drinks over his 4 day weekend.

Today he's had a few beers and 2 bottles of wine and acts happy for a little while and then gets nasty. It's like he can't stop, he has to drink until passing out which was 8.00 tonight.

It's every weekend, and he scares me when that drunk as his mood is so unpredictable.

He's not physically violent it's always verbal and is really getting to me now.

Tonight myself and dd (age 8) went upstairs to get away from him and his ranting, bullying behaviour. I normally avoid him when he's drinking.

This evening I was in the bathroom and I heard shouting downstairs and dd came up in floods of tears. This is when we hid upstairs.

His drinking has always been a problem and I don't want dd growing up thinking this is ok.

The thing is he's a lovely man when sober and dd adores her dad.

I'm so so upset about tonight I just can't cope with his drinking anymore.

If you've got this far thank you. I know I have to leave and it's going to tear the family apart.

OP posts:
Original poster
sassypants72 · 10/09/2020 09:30

Another thing that really annoys me is help with household chores. I once worked 12hr shifts from Friday to Monday, I had put dd's PE kit in the wash on the Friday morning. I went to get it on the Monday morning and it was still in the washing machine 🤬!! I did tell him over the weekend that all he had to do was hang it up.

He literally does nothing. He has his own en suit bathroom in his room and I hate going in there, it's a health hazard and disgusting. His version of cleaning it is throw a bit of bleach around. I've cleaned it up multiple times over the years, it's so disgusting it takes me about half a day to clean it, but he never bothers to keep it clean so I've given up now.

His ironing as well, whenever I've ironed anything of his I put it on his bed to put away. He just puts it on the side in his room, chucks dirty cloths on top and his things are still there 6+ months later. I've now stopped ironing for him as well 🤬

OP posts:
Original poster
sassypants72 · 10/09/2020 09:32

It's the belching when his drinking beer that I can't stand, he sings nursery rhymes while belching and thinks it's funny.

It's like being married to Homer Simpson

OP posts:
Original poster
sassypants72 · 10/09/2020 09:35

@username501

OP will you PLEASE get legal advice before leaving the family home. You need a family law solicitor and you can find one here. Some offer a free initial discussion before you instruct, give them a call and talk.

I've contacted one of the lawyers from the link you sent me and am awaiting a call back Smile

OP posts:
Sssloou · 10/09/2020 09:49

It’s called alcoholic squalor.

Cleaning up after him is inadvertently enabling and facilitating his alcoholism to progress. If he had to iron his own shirts he would have to stay soberish for a few extra minutes to iron them to get to work. He needs to experience the consequences of his actions.

But I am guessing that you would experience even more rage and abuse if you weren’t there as his servant?

Keep logging and documenting the memories as they bubble up.

Important now to proactively call on and put in long term support and expertise to get you through. Have you friends that you can reach out to? They will KNOW what he is like and will be delighted that you want to move on. Have you spoken with your GP and can you access the support of a private therapist if the waiting list is too long. Connect with Al Anon. And most importantly speak with a TOP lawyer ASAP.

This is an exhausting road that you are going along - so make sure you rest, pace yourself, plan it and have shored up loads of support.

Little steps everyday.

Expect his career to implode v soon.

mummmy2017 · 10/09/2020 09:57

The day you move out contact CSA and get the ball rolling for him to pay for his child.
You do know when you divorce you get copies of all his bank statements.
So you can find his accounts.

Original poster
sassypants72 · 10/09/2020 10:01

@Sssloou

It’s called alcoholic squalor.

Cleaning up after him is inadvertently enabling and facilitating his alcoholism to progress. If he had to iron his own shirts he would have to stay soberish for a few extra minutes to iron them to get to work. He needs to experience the consequences of his actions.

But I am guessing that you would experience even more rage and abuse if you weren’t there as his servant?

Keep logging and documenting the memories as they bubble up.

Important now to proactively call on and put in long term support and expertise to get you through. Have you friends that you can reach out to? They will KNOW what he is like and will be delighted that you want to move on. Have you spoken with your GP and can you access the support of a private therapist if the waiting list is too long. Connect with Al Anon. And most importantly speak with a TOP lawyer ASAP.

This is an exhausting road that you are going along - so make sure you rest, pace yourself, plan it and have shored up loads of support.

Little steps everyday.

Expect his career to implode v soon.

He is and always has been such a slob, it's awful. I can't believe I have put up with his shit for so long.

Whenever I've tried to leave him before there has been from him crying, wailing and general dramatics. Basically a huge amount of emotional blackmail followed up with fighting for custody threats.

I'm waiting for a specialist lawyer with domestic abuse experience to call me back later today.

OP posts:
Original poster
sassypants72 · 10/09/2020 10:03

@mummmy2017

The day you move out contact CSA and get the ball rolling for him to pay for his child. You do know when you divorce you get copies of all his bank statements. So you can find his accounts.

No I didn't know that. I basically know nothing about the divorce process.

OP posts:
Original poster
sassypants72 · 10/09/2020 10:10

Oh I've remembered another thing. The other week he was over a friends house having drinks with him and took dd with him to play with the other persons children.

Now dd is nearly 9 and beginning to reach puberty (he is aware of this). I haven't highlighted it with dd yet as I don't want her to be self conscious. Anyway he let her run around for a good part of the afternoon with no top on (boys present). It's only when he sent a picture by text that I realised and was horrified. I immediately sent a text back to him to put a top on dd, but he was way to drunk by this stage. I obviously went and picked up dd and had a fit at him.

OP posts:
Original poster
sassypants72 · 10/09/2020 10:11

He was also encouraging dd to drink red wine and sent me pictures of this. 🤬

OP posts:
MellowMelly · 10/09/2020 10:20

@sassypants72
The belching! I know!
My ex thought it was great fun to belch and say loudly ‘excuse you Mellow/Mellow that was disgusting’ 20 times a night. It’s not funny after the first time. Also the belching over a meal aimed my way and belching at me in front of his family.

Also I did inadvertently become a slave. He was really clever at saying things like ‘I want cake’ or ‘I need to wash those shirts’ which really meant he was never going to go and get the cake or wash his shirts. It meant that I had to do it. If I didn’t, I would get snidey comments like ‘are we out of cake then’ or ‘have we run out of washing powder’?

I’m glad to hear you’ve stopped doing things like cleaning his bathroom because he clearly doesn’t respect/care for what you’ve done for him so yes, why bother?!

sadie9 · 10/09/2020 10:40

Well done. Good luck with the lawyer today.

Sssloou · 10/09/2020 12:57

@MellowMelly - so gross and disrespectful.

ApolloandDaphne · 10/09/2020 13:03

It sounds like you are really making progress. Keep strong.

Sssloou · 10/09/2020 13:08

www.gov.uk/divorce

Sssloou · 10/09/2020 13:09

www.bacp.co.uk/

AFitOfTheVapours · 10/09/2020 13:11

@sassypants72 great move with the lawyer. They are going to be your best friend though this, so make sure you really feel happy with their expertise and attitude.
Hope it goes well.

MellowMelly · 10/09/2020 13:52

@Sssloou
You are right. Gross and disgusting. Also what you said about alcoholic squalor is so true (he never cleaned up after himself) and I know now I was enabling his behaviour by cleaning up after him. Less time spent on cleaning for him meant more time to drink. At the time you just slip gently into being their servant without realising. That’s why I’m glad to see in OP’s posts that she’s realised what’s going on and is gathering strength and momentum to safely get out.

I actually voice recorded some of my ex partners ranting. When I left and doubted myself I would play them back. It was a stark reminder of his drunk vitriolic rants and why I left.

Original poster
sassypants72 · 10/09/2020 14:28

So I have an appointment booked with a highly recommended specialist family law firm for later this month.

Feeling really scared now, beginning to feel real 😬

OP posts:
Sssloou · 10/09/2020 14:32

When they pass out they need to be left to wake up in their shit filled pants / deal with the consequences of missing an appointment / having no clean clothes to wear or food in the house.

That’s all basic adulting that they don’t do because they are drunk or hungover - but if someone else adapts routines, fixes their problems and clears up behind them then they never feel the consequences of their bad choices.

MellowMelly · 10/09/2020 15:09

@Sssloou yes that’s unbelievably true. We help them out of their vomit ridden clothes, get them into bed where they fall into a drunken sleep, put their clothes in the washing machine, clean up and they say nothing the next day. It’s just expected of us and, like you said, what we do means they don’t face the consequences.

@sassypants72 That sounds promising! How has he been the last few days?

Sssloou · 10/09/2020 15:19

Because they have passed out they don’t even know that they’ve shit themselves, pissed themselves, fallen over, vomited - because the last time they were conscious they were having a right old time - then they wake up fresh and clean not aware of what they have done so they don’t even know the depths of their behaviour.

MellowMelly · 10/09/2020 15:39

@Sssloou and they don’t ever want to hear it. One night he got the hiccups terribly. You know the drunk hiccups. He actually had an hour rant at me because I couldn’t fix his hiccups. He paraded around the home in his boxer shorts shouting at me what a pathetic excuse of a partner I was, how I didn’t even care he had hiccups (true), how dare I lay in bed while he was hiccuping. Then he fell in the bath walloped his head and wanted help out of it. Try explaining that the next day because they wonder where the lump on their head came from. They just don’t want to know.

Original poster
sassypants72 · 10/09/2020 15:39

Think dh has sussed I really haven't been happy with him all week after his behaviour last Sunday, so he's being super nice this week, it's Thursday night though so the start of his long weekend off so let's wait and see what happens.

OP posts:
serene12 · 10/09/2020 15:53

Please remember that you can call the Police, if you feel that your husband is being abusive, to protect your daughter and yourself. If necessary, it’ll demonstrate to your daughter her new empowered mummy and that neither of you are going “walk on eggshells” anymore. If you feel its appropriate you can teach your daughter how to phone 999. Imagine your husband waking up in a police cell, rather than the comfort of his own bed!, he needs to feel the consequences of his poor choices.

MellowMelly · 10/09/2020 16:14

@sassypants72
Oh no. So the binge drinking starts tonight. I actually feel the dread for you as it’s all still fairly raw for me so my memories and feelings are still quite fresh.

Keep us posted so we know you and your daughter are okay. Also what @serene12 said, if you need to, call the police.