So fed up with husbands drinking

[sassypants72]

Dh is only working tue-thur and has been for a while now. The problem is that he absolutely bing drinks over his 4 day weekend.

Today he's had a few beers and 2 bottles of wine and acts happy for a little while and then gets nasty. It's like he can't stop, he has to drink until passing out which was 8.00 tonight.

It's every weekend, and he scares me when that drunk as his mood is so unpredictable.

He's not physically violent it's always verbal and is really getting to me now.

Tonight myself and dd (age 8) went upstairs to get away from him and his ranting, bullying behaviour. I normally avoid him when he's drinking.

This evening I was in the bathroom and I heard shouting downstairs and dd came up in floods of tears. This is when we hid upstairs.

His drinking has always been a problem and I don't want dd growing up thinking this is ok.

The thing is he's a lovely man when sober and dd adores her dad.

I'm so so upset about tonight I just can't cope with his drinking anymore.

If you've got this far thank you. I know I have to leave and it's going to tear the family apart.

Even with fleeing domestic violence fellowdeerhunter??

I intend to call women's aid and all the other mentioned associations tomorrow

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve read your posts here but not all the responses, so sorry if I’m just repeating what everyone else has already said.

I was also married to an alcoholic, have two young dc and finally left the marriage this year. Please, you must find a good family solicitor before you do anything else. It’s great that you’re looking at houses and getting proactive about ending this awful situation. However, you leaving the family home could have implications for you and you need to understand what those are before you make a decision (I’m not saying don’t, it might be your best option, just make sure you have the facts first).

Also, I totally understand your concern about having to share unsupervised access with him. I also stayed far too long because of this. Again, please speak to a lawyer. The courts take allegations of problem drinking seriously and can order blood and hair strand testing that can help prove what you are saying. It is well worth starting to put together evidence. Film him passed out, pics of any hidden empties or just a written log of instances etc etc. The damage done to your dd from staying has to be your first concern. If you haven’t already, maybe take a look at some of the info that Nacoa put out about the effects on a child.

If he is a good earner, as well as Alanon, please consider some counselling for yourself with someone that understands alcoholism. It would really help you and I’d like to bet your anxiety and panic attacks will ease significantly if you get out.

I really wish you luck with this and please know you are not alone. There are an awful lot of us on here who have been in something like this situation.

Jesus Christ, OP, with every update he sounds worse and worse.

The thing is he's a lovely man when sober and dd adores her dad.

He isn't. He really, really isn't. And the fact that your DD adores him makes it more important that she is protected from his appalling, abusive and dangerous behaviour.

Doesn't divorce damage kids though ??

Divorce is x1000 times better outcome for your DD than growing up with this man.

Well done for facing up to this, it must take enormous courage. Please trust us that getting away from him is absolutely, unquestioningly the right thing to do. Hopefully the wise mumsnetters who have walked this path can advise you on how best to do it.

Please leave as soon as you can. I grew up with an alcoholic father and myself and my 2 siblings are completely fucked up in our own way all have mental health issues due to this.

adultchildren.org/

This website will help you as an adult child of dysfunctional family and is also for adult children of alcoholics.

It's only now that I'm beginning to remember some of the things he's done.

Another one is I believe in letting children regulate their own appetites. Dh believes in force feeding (they will sit at table until food is finished). We have had numerous disagreements about this over the years.

Once while I was at work dh forced dd to finish eating her dinner to the point she was actually sick. Of course when I got in and heard about it I went absolutely mad.

You can probably understand why I'm worried about unsupervised access.

Dh's (big drinker) parents agree with everything he does, apparently I'm the problem.

@sassypants72

Divorce will be far less disturbing for your daughter than the years of growing up in the current atmosphere in your home. This is your chance to make a good stable home with good memories for your daughter and not ones of her drunken ranting father.

He is sounding more vile the more you tell us.

Oh another, he once threw a full bottle of whiskey at the lounge wall when I challenged him about his drinking.

Dd was in my arms and about 2 years old.

He does sound worse and worse. It is totally normal for alcoholics to angrily deny their drinking is a problem. It is not ok, though, and smashing things up in response is also abusive, but you know that.

Have you read “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft? If not, you might find it eye opening.

Please speak to some lawyers tomorrow (most offer half an hour free up front) and start the process of getting away from this.

I know I have to leave and it's going to tear the family apart.

It's not tearing the family apart, it's freeing your DD from an environment which has already scarred her. You can undo that with love and warmth when you have her with you. xx

He is abusive in virtually every way, which is more than bad enough to leave. It will also probably escalate to physical violence, maybe towards you both as he's now turning his moods on your DD. The throwing things is a threat/sign that it may well go that way.

Please do keep writing all the stuff he's done here, so you can look back on the thread and remind yourself. xx

Another one, he tried to throw himself out of my car while I was driving quite fast when I was pregnant with dd because I challenged him about his drinking.

@sassypants so what's the next step then for you?

I hope you manage to contact Women’s Aid tomorrow, as they will be able to offer you valuable advice, support & make you aware that the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic abuse is when they leave the perpetrator of abuse.
It’s also useful if you can let other agencies know about the abuse i.e. your daughter’s school, GP etc. That way you will have a paper trail, which will be invaluable in the future when deciding if contact between your daughter and her dad in the future. Contact has to be in the best interests of the child.

I'm now reading the women's aid forum, it's amazing and very eye opening.

I knew what was happening wasn't right, but I never considered it domestic abuse. Probably because it is so normalised for me after growing up abusive parents.

I knew what was happening wasn't right, but I never considered it domestic abuse. Probably because it is so normalised for me after growing up abusive parents.

Spot on. That’s why you need your DD to know this is abnormal otherwise you are committing her to a similar fate. She will find someone like her DF - who abuses and neglects her because that’s familiar to her - it won’t cross her mind to leave - she will think she has to stay, fix it, tolerate it - that abuse and neglect is all she deserves - because she is deficient and worthless - because that was how she was treated. That’s her normal.

It will be tough now for you once you have your eyes opened. Take it easy.

@sassypants72 I'd have let the fucker fall out of the car, what a knob.

@sassypants72

Thank you everyone for your kind words and helpfulness. I have arranged to view a 3 bed house to rent tomorrow. It's right next to dd's school and in a lovely location.

If I like the property I've then got to find the emotional strength to leave. It will be very hard, I've been here a few time before and he does everything imaginable to stop me from leaving. I really don't understand why though as we have no marriage and haven't had for many years now. My only guess is he's scared of the financial hurt it would cause him. He has been warned and warned of this by his sisters, they have tried to tell him repeatedly to treat me better.

I may well end up needing a Mumsnet hand hold

Don't say anything to him about moving until you've left. Don't tell your daughter until after you've left. Pack all you can sensibly take with you whilst he's at work and she's at school. Take with you as much of your important documents (eg: passports, birth and marriage certificates) plus anything of sentimental value with you. If you have people you can trust absolutely, confide in them and ask for their practical help in moving. Change all your passwords - especially to your own bank accounts immediately you leave. Take at least half of anything in the joint account if you have access - it's yours as well as his. Speak to your daughter's school about the situation so they can look out for her emotional needs.

If you are able to find any of his financial documents, then copy those and email them to yourself. His National Insurance number will be particularly of interest.

Above all, however, leave safely and do so as soon as possible.

The interim period WILL be hard but please stay focussed because it will be worth it.

Beyond everything, get yourself a solicitor, as another poster mentioned, ASAP.

Good luck to you and your daughter for a better future. 🌹

Thank you. I'm viewing the property at 1.30 today and am quite excited to see what it's like.

I do keep having a wobble and questioning myself with things like is it me, is it really that bad, am I just being a drama queen etc ?? I know it's all nonsense and I just need to get past it in my head and try not to overthink the situation.

There's also the guilt which is making me feel quite ill, again I need to try and work past this.

I couldn't get through to women's aid on the phone, so have sent them an email. I look forward to hearing from them.

Good with that. Try to imagine you and your DD there - free and at ease. Even if you don’t take this house - it’s a series of important steps that you have taken to look for a house, to make and appointment and to go to view it.

Just those actions will move you along emotionally.

Lawyer ASAP.

OP will you PLEASE get legal advice before leaving the family home. You need a family law solicitor and you can find one here. Some offer a free initial discussion before you instruct, give them a call and talk.

Thank you, I will have a look at website, hopefully find a decent family lawyer and get some advice.

I've just been to see the property for rent and it was really lovely apart from the kitchen which was behind grim, so I intend to keep looking.

It was a really scary feeling looking around the property as it made it all feel so real. This is where I have fallen before though so really need to dig deep for that inner strength. I will do this !!

The ideal situation would really be for dh to move out of the family home, I really don't fancy my chances with that though.

I really need to get away from him though for my own sanity.

I remember growing up watching my mum being abused by my dad and i remember thinking why on earth are you putting up with this? I had so little respect for her at the time as I couldn't understand how she could be so weak !!

I refuse to let history repeat itself.

I see you've contacted Women's Aid but haven't heard back yet. You can try your local DV organisation. You can find your local DV organisation here or do a search online or check your council website. Give them a call or email them. You can also contact the national helpline via live chat here. They are open from 3-6pm.

My ex was an alcoholic, exactly the same lovely when sober, vile when drunk. Couldn’t stop drinking, could t see the harm in it. He wasn’t my kids dad so it’s was easier, but kicking him out was the best thing I did. I could feel myself getting really anxious whenever he started drinking, to the point that up to a test after we split up even seeing his go to drink in a supermarket shelf made me shudder.
Leave him ASAP for the welfare of everyone

Ooh yeah, I hate hearing cans of drink being opened now because he'd drink cans and cans of strong lager and it would make me wince every time I heard another one being opened. I'd be in bed and hear it and just feel shit that that was the most important thing in his life.

I hope you find the perfect place soon OP.

@OhMsBeliever
I absolutely hate that sound now too. I used to feel so full of hate when I heard the sound of another can being opened. My ex used to whistle over the sound of it as he opened another one (like he was trying to disguise it as he knew he had a problem) and then he would walk in and look at me for any sign of reaction on my face. Horrible.

@sassypants72
It’s good to hear the strength in your comment of ‘I refuse to let history repeat itself’.